There comes a time in every ducks life when they feel the need to spill some blood. This just so happened to one Scrooge Mcduck, of Ducktales fame, on his 75th birthday. "Happy Birthday Uncle Scrooge," exclaimed the millionaire�s feathered family. The town of Duckburg had never witnessed such an outlandish display of wealth as Scrooge Mcduck had poured into his birthday party that day. Not even Danny Wegman and his peanut butter could match this shit. The finest Southern whisky! Jesse and the Rippers! A birthday cake a mile high! Racecars, lasers, aeroplanes!!!! Not a penny was spared.
Yet, for some reason, Scrooge wasn�t feeling like himself. Something had triggered inside of him a bloodthirsty rage for blood and guts. He felt a sudden urge to slaughter. All the riches in the world (not even the green cheese from The Moon level) couldn�t quell his thirst.
Quickly, he ran to his executive office and called up Dr. Mario. "Oh, laddy, I�ve been having these strange feelings lately," said Scrooge. "Treasure isn�t even the first thing on my mind anymore. I just feel this need to kill, kill, kill. Those damn Beagle Boys! That fucking Glomgold!" "Looks like you have a case of MetalGearyopia, " said the Doc M., "Come down to my office and Ill hook you up with some Narcata."
So Scrooge snuck out of the party through the back window and made his way toward Dr. Mario�s office. He was almost there when all of a sudden Flinthart Glomgold walked by with his boyfriend Dino Riki. Not a second later, Scrooge had whipped out his cane and beat the couple to the ground. Scrooge then rushed to the office before he could hurt anyone else.
Dr. Mario let him into the office and was about to give him the special combination of red, blue, and yellow pills when all of a sudden Scrooge grabbed his stethoscope and hurled it as his head, an instant lobotomy. Scrooge was in big fucking trouble and he knew it. He looked around the office for anything that would get him out of this mess. He noticed a note on the doctors desk, fucking Shadowgate style. It read:
In any case that the pills don�t work, send the psychos to Alien Island where they can battle an alien army. Scrooge ran out into the street, grabbed Baloo the bear�s plane and headed toward the island. There he met up with Vanilla and Rocko, the Contra all-stars. "Are you pumped to kill some Rebel scum?" said the duo simultaneously.
"Jumpstart and a heart attack! Of course I am!", shouted Scrooge.
Before you could say Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles III: The Manhattan Project, the three had found their way into the first enemy area. With a killers intuition, they pumped the extra-terrestrial thugs with Lockheed lead. Uncle Scrooge beheaded some of them with his fancy upperclass corporate cane. After a few hours of mayhem they stopped for a breather.
"So boys, how much more killing do we have to do before we�re back to our old selves?" asked Scrooge.
"You must not know your video games," said Vanilla, "Any power player (that�s you, readers!) knows that the story isn�t over until the last boss is defeated. We still don�t know who that last boss is."
After a few short minutes and a few Burger-Time burgers, they continued their ethnic cleansing of the aliens. Scrooge stripped down to a purple tank top and acid washed jeans just like his hero, AC Slater. He was ready for the final battle.
The three battled through all the enemies and ended up at Kevin Mcallister�s house. Their final challenge before the last boss was to run around some shitty Home Alone house picking up toys and dropping them off to kill Alfred Chicken and Keith Sweat. This proved to be the fucking most annoying thing ever and Vanilla and Rocko gave up. With their rage still burning inside them, they moved to Dynatron City and murdered Dig Dug and anyone who liked Fester�s Quest. Uncle Scrooge, on the other hand, stayed on task.
He beat that Home Alone challenge all by himself and came face to face with the final boss, R.O.B, the master operator of Alien Island. ROB launched some nukes at the old duck, but Scrooge used his patented golf-swing and knocked them back at the fuck. Unfortunately, Scrooge didn�t notice the goombas that had been surrounding him and he was knocked to the ground, unable to move his arthritic back. It looked like ROB had won when all of a sudden the bros from Guerrilla War jumped through the window and assaulted ROB with a shower of bullets. With ROB hit, the goombas backed off and Scrooge got up and destroyed him with one last pogo! ROB blew up. Scrooge thanked the dudes for helping him out. He then headed back to Duckburg, rage-free. He made a few billion selling parts of ROB on ebay. The body and blood of christ, Amen.
- John