Jewel Denied Top Ten Ranking
"It's an outrage!" declaired Kiera Bird (aka Little_Bird) moderator of the Official JewelJK Forum. "It's nothing short of a conspiracy... a shameful conspiracy, cunningly contrived to deny Jewel her rightful top ten ranking !!!"
To demontrate her point to the anxious media, Kiera Bird proceeded to recite 'Sausages', from Jewel Kilcher's infamous poetry collection:
"While leaving the airport,
a gypsy woman stole my luggage.
She wore a rice paper mask over her eyes.
A mole showed neatly on her chin, hairless.
She laughed while sausages
fell from her pockets in heavy shivers.
I hope she misses them sorely."
Stunned reporters gasped in disbelief !!!
"What further proof do you need?" a confident Kiera Bird continued, "where else has English literature been so recklessly abused? As is clearly evident, Jewel's adolecent babblings are formidable competition, obviously worthy of a top ten ranking. A grave injustice has been perpetrated against Ms Kilcher so VH1 can rest assured... I'll be having the last word !!!"
1 Britney Spears' Las Vegas wedding 2 Whitney Houston in Israel 3 Liza Minelli& David Guest wed & split 4 Croc Hunter & baby 5 Tommy Lee & Pam Anderson sex tape 6 Fabio kills goose with face 7 Michael Jackson dangles baby 8 Rush Limbaugh drug scandal 9 Angelina Jolie kisses brother 10 Anne Heche, dazed and confused 11 Paris Hilton sex tape 12 Britney & Madonna VMA kiss 13 Nick Nolte mug shot 14 California Governor's race 15 Jessica Simpson - tuna vs. chicken 16 Courtney Love arrest and court hearing 17 Mike Tyson bites 18 George Michael bathroom bust 19 David Hasselhoff at Berlin Wall 20 Lance Bass in space 21 Pee-Wee busted 22 Ted Nugent adopts girlfriend 23 Fred Durst vs. Britney Spears 24 Axl Rose's comeback 25 Bruce Willis goes to Iraq 26 Anna Nicole & her family tattoos 27 Steve-O staples scrotum 28 Chuck Berry's toilet cam 29 Russell Crowe's award show tirade 30 David Lee Roth pot bust 31 Adam Ant freak out 32 Richard Gere's not gay 33 MC Hammer goes broke 34 Rosie O'Donnell trial 35 Lizzie Grubman takes out the trash 36 Marion Barry crack bust / re-election 37 Snoop's Dogg's breaks into porn industry 38 Ted Williams frozen 39 Naomi Campbell attacks assistant 40 Celebrity answering machine messages 41 Hugh Grant hooker bust 42 Sebastian Bach hits fan with bottle 43 Jean Claude Van Damme beat up by bodyguard 44 Ozzy Osbourne snorts ants 45 Bush daughters busted 46 Brian Austin Green raps 47 Peter Buck's air rage 48 Serge Gainsbourg gets fresh with Whitney Houston 49 Eminem sued by mom 50 James Brown car chase 51 Robert Downey Jr. sleeps over 52 Jewel's poetry 53 Jack Nicholson smashes car with golf club 54 Gary Coleman beats fan 55 Lil Kim pastie 56 Jerry Falwell outs Teletubbies 57 Joan Rivers pen attack 58 Calvin Klein coaches Latrell Sprewell 59 The Go-Go's sex tape 60 Geraldo Rivera in Iraq 61 Michael Jackson & Lisa Marie Presley kiss 62 Daniel Baldwin Plaza crack bust 63 Fan hit with sheep's head at Mayhem concert 64 Miami Vice sings 65 ODB at Grammies 66 Kathie Lee sweatshop scandal 67 Who Wants to Marry a Guy with a Restraining Order 68 Morton Downey, Jr's nazi attack 69 Eddie Murphy picks up transvestite hooker 70 Rosanne, Tom Arnold, Julia Louis Dreyfus parking lot battle 71 Garth Brooks becomes Chris Gaines 72 Mr. T's chainsaw massacre 73 Rick Wakeman's rock opera on ice 74 Christina gets "Dirrty" 75 Diana Ross DUI 76 Jennifer Grey's plastic surgery 77 Sean Young's TV audition 78 George Bush barfs 79 Latrell Sprewell chokes coach 80 Demi Moore, Ashton Kutcher & Bruce Willis on red carpet 81 Martin Lawrence dehydrates 82 Zsa Zsa slaps cop 83 L7 Tampon assault 84 David Crosby, sperm donor 85 Carmen Electra & Dennis Rodman wed 86 Matthew McConaghy's nude bongo bust 87 Danny Bonaduce fight with hooker 88 Timothy Leary in space 89 Madonna's Swept Away 90 Tom Green sucks cow 91 Bono's fancy hat 92 Naomi Judd vs. male stripper 93 George Jones tries to drive to liquor store on his tractor 94 Ted Danson in blackface 95 Steven Tyler casts daughter as stripper in video 96 ODB cashes welfare check on TV 97 Wilt Chamberlain's boasts of sleeping with 20K women 98 Bobby Brown beats up tourist at Disney World 99 Sheppard Smith's on-air gaffe about J.Lo 100 Paris Hilton & Kim Stewart red carpet crash
This farmhand got hitched to Britney Spears in Vegas.
The marriage was annulled hours later.
The Croc Hunter earned the wrath of millions
when he fed his hungry swampy pet
with his newborn son tucked under his arm.
Michael Jackson raised hackles in 2002 when he
dangled his baby boy over a hotel balcony in Germany.
Maybe he's pals with the Croc Hunter.
Britney Spears and Madonna enjoyed a smooch at
the 2003 MTV Video Music Awards.
It was the kiss heard round the world.
In 1998 Jewel decided she was a poet.
Shameful fact: more people own this volume than
T.S. Eliot's 'The Waste Land'.
Angelina Jolie offers a handsome man a deep smooch.
Nothing wrong with that, except the blonde guy is her...
brother.
Courtney Love kept hiring and firing counselors
during her trial for drug possession.
Diana Ross was so amazed that Lil' Kim wore
a pastie to the MTV Music Awards in 1999,
she just had to check it out for herself.
At a 1992 concert L7's Donita Sparks
tossed a used tampon into the audience.
It still hasn't turned up on eBay.