Exclusive To This Site
Atlantic Music Australia video taped the original meeting between Jewel and Lester Mendez for a TV special to be aired in Australia. Due to it's sensitive and somewhat controversial nature the project was abruptly cancelled. This site received the transcript of the meeting taken directly from the video tape.
'The Australian Society for the Prevention of Cruelty to Jewel' exclusively reveals the inside story that Warner/Atlantic still vigorously deny.
Inconspicuous behind dark sunglasses, a large nosed young woman with crooked teeth moonlights off to Columbia.
Tape Begins:
Jewel: Honestly, whatever it takes... I'll sing your stupid parodies, abandon my loyal fans... yeah, totally sell out... just do for me what you did for Shakira !!!
Mendez: Alright, stop crying... get up off your knees, woman.
Atlantic Spin Doctor: You mustn't do that, Jewel, use terms like "sell out". We prefer to call it, 'Maturing', 'Reinventing Yourself' or our favourite... 'Exploring New Horizons'.
Mendez: But what about your artistic credibility, Jewel ?
Jewel: Stuff that! I tried it with the Lilith Girls but it failed to get me international recognition. Anyway, Sarah Mclachlan is selling ou... err... exploring new horizons too, she's planning a concert with Avril Lavigne.
Mendez: You do understand, Jewel, you're gonna have to make saucy videos like Shakira. For 'Intuition', well.... I've got this great soft porn idea where firemen hose you down showing off your err...how can I put this delicately ?
Jewel: Tits. That's OK. I've flashed them before in my 1997 Grammy dress.
Atlantic Spin Doctor: Yeah, we pretend the whole deal is a parody, that gives us a back door. At your press interviews just say you're having a little fun. Act real casual like it's some sort of artistic, natural progression. Don't let on that Mendez is pulling all the strings... maintain that '0304' is co-written and co-produced. Try not to be too precise... be a little vague.
Jewel: Like my poetry ?
Atlantic Spin Doctor: No, not that vague.
Mendez: What's the promotion plan ?
Atlantic Spin Doctor: We stack the radio playlists.... sell the album at half price for the first couple of weeks... the usual stuff to fudge the Top 30 Charts. And, to keep Jewel's face consistantly on the TV, we'll have her peddling 'Schick' razor blades. Then we offload Jewel's mother as manager, employ Irving Azoff who represents Christina Alguilera... much better suited to Jewel's new image. And there you go... the 'New Improved Pop Jewel'. Then... the new slogan... you're just gonna love this... 'Perfect For The Dancefloor'.
Australian Magazine Promo
Atlantic Spin Doctor: Oh, I can see it now... we'll have her mixing it with likes of Beyonce Knowles !!! How's this for example ??? A DATE WITH DESTINY... divas Beyonce and Jewel wailing 'Proud Mary'. Get it... get it ??? A date with destiny... Beyonce ???Jewel: No way... NEVER! NEVER! NEVER! Forget it! It ain't gonna happen!
Jewel: He's not serious is he, Lester ??? Hey Lester... tell me he's not serious.
Atlantic Spin Doctor: Well, er... yeah. You could always try Sony Music.
Jewel: Maybe I could launch my new poetry book.
Atlantic Spin Doctor: I wish you'd stop threatening to do that.
Shakira (Somewhat alarmed, breaks her silence): Yes Jewel, what would happen if your 'Weapons Of Mediocre Poetry' should fall into terrorist hands. The Al-Qaeda could unleash unspeakable horrors mercilessly giving simultaneous recitals in every major American city.
Jewel: Jealous Bitch !!!
Shakira: Jealous ??? 'Laundry Service' averaged three times platinum in nearly fifty countries around the world. Tell me, Jewelie Girl, how'd 'This Way' go? It's no wonder you're brown-nosing Lester and highjacking Alguilera's manager... umm... you really are, err... Exploring New Horizons.
Shakira really fires up:
Shakira: And... I'm being paid MILLIONS to be the face of Pepsi, so, what's the going rate for the bimbo of a friggin' razor blade company? Yeah, the sensitive 'Angel Standing By' recommends Schick... hehe! Now that really is leading a 'Life Uncommon'.
Jewel, upset, begins to cry. Mendez thoughtfully hands her a queen-sized bed sheet to blow her considerable nose.
Jewel: Oh Lester, what will I really do if this 'Pop Jewel' idiousy doesn't work and I fall flat on my exposed belly-button ???
Mendez: If all else fails you're gonna have to go back to your roots, attempt to recover your original fanbase. Remember?... the thousands who faithfully loved your moving, intimate concerts, enchanted by your unpretentiousness.
Jewel: Will there be any fans left for me to go back to ?
Mendez: You'll never recover all of the millions of 'Pieces Of You' and 'Spirit' fans... but there are enough real fans wishing you'd stop being a complete arsehole. And they'll surely inspire your Best Work Ever!
Inside Story: Tape Ends Here
So... Jewel and her 'loyal' fans eventually live happily ever after !!!
Well, providing Jewel doesn't make good her threat to recklessly unleash her latest 'Weapons Of Mediocre Poetry'.
Remember... you heard it first at:
The Australian Society For The Prevention Of Cruelty To Jewel
Justin... The Intrepid President
