P  R  A  I  S  E

O F

T H E  A S S,

 

BY  A  DOCTOR

OF MONTMARTRE.

 

London [false address], and sold in Paris, at Delaguette's, Bookseller, at the foot of the Pont Saint Michel, 1769.
[Work attributed to Dom Joseph Cajot, original edition]

 

 

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TABLE OF CHAPTERS 

I. Exordium	XII. Origin of the Horse
II. What Is an Ass?	XIII. Fine Qualities of the Horse
III. Nobility of the Ass	XIV. Reply to Objections
IV. Education of the Ass	XV. Slanderers Confounded
V. The Outward Appearance of the Ass	XVI. The Kick
VI. The Philosophy of the Ass	XVII. The Three Points
VII. The Paradox	XVIII. Properties of the Ass
VIII. The Fortunate Discovery	XIX. The Ass Is Infallible
IX. Digression on a Trifle	XX. Honors Rendered to the Ass
X. The Ass and Its Young	XXI. The Throne
XI. Labors of the Ass	XXII. Peroration
Author's Notes

CHAPTER ONE 

  O MONTMARTRE! O my Fatherland! (1) how long will you remain the object of the Babylonians' contempt and mockery? How long will these frivolous Inhabitants of the Capital of the finest Empire in the World remain the vile slaves of an unjust prejudice that dishonors you? What, my Fatherland! because you nourish in your bosom a host of useful inhabitants, they mock you, they scorn you! No, no, I will not suffer this insult to be done to you with impunity. Your cause is mine; I am your son; it falls to children to defend their mother.

  Tremble, Babylonians, tremble; the august truth is about to appear, and you shall be confounded: and you, peaceable donkeys, rejoice; today I undertake your eulogy: I mean to prove to the overly proud Inhabitants of Babylon that there is no animal in the universe comparable to you; that they themselves are beneath you: you alone unite all the virtues scattered among all existing beings, and you have none of their faults: you are the masterpieces of nature, the kings of the world. Rejoice then, O donkeys, my fellow-citizens, my friends, rejoice: prejudices are about to be annihilated, you shall be adored.

  You who, trampling underfoot the extravagant opinions of men, have already pleaded the cause I am about to uphold, learned Heinsius (2), erudite Passerat (2), deign to serve me as guides. Lend me, for this moment, that clarity, that precision, that coloring which come so naturally to you : grant that, without being any more profound, I may be as pleasing as you : or rather, allow me, seizing from your Writings whatever is best, to use it in composing, in embellishing this Eulogy. I am a bee, be my flowers.

CHAPTER II

  AS most of the disputes that divide the Learned so often arise merely from the same words bearing different meanings, I shall, to avoid schisms, begin by explaining what I mean by an ass: this method is perhaps not admitted in the University of Babylon; but our Doctors of Montmartre have approved it, and I shall always respect it.

  Naturalists distinguish two kinds of asses: the wild and the tame: they are all large, handsome, well-turned, and above all remarkably light and swift. There are many of them in the deserts of Libya and Numidia: they are grey, and run so swiftly that only Barbary horses can overtake them at a race; when they see a man, they let out a cry, give a kick, and flee only when one draws near. These are the prettiest asses in the world; they are wild, and that is their only fault.

  Tame asses are subdivided into two species: the asses of Montmartre and the asses of Babylon. The former are covered with hair from head to foot, have long ears, walk on four legs, have a somewhat elongated countenance, and a tail at the base of the back. The latter have short ears, an oval head, an upright body, walk only upon two feet, and commonly have no tail.

  It is affirmed that this latter kind multiplies every day. I have even heard it said that since the beginning of the eighteenth century it has increased by two-thirds. Travellers report having seen some of them with long hair, a robe with wide sleeves, and a little pyramid upon the head. Others walk only with the help of a gilded staff, curved at the end. There are some who speak of nothing but fevers, bleedings, and purgings: they hold out great hopes to the living, and live at the expense of the dead. These have a beast's skin upon the arm; those a hood in the middle of the back.... there are fair ones, dark ones, chestnut ones, of every age, of every colour; they are found at Court, in the Colleges, in the Assemblies; they abound everywhere. I have examined a great number of them, and I have observed that they bear a considerable resemblance to a certain animal called man: indeed, I believe it is only by an impropriety of speech that they are called asses at all: they are the strongest animals in the world.

  An excellent Naturalist has written a very fine Treatise upon this species of ass. He maintains that these are degenerate, bastardized asses. According to him, the most perfect being, the most accomplished creature, is the ass. He claims that at the beginning of the World all animals were created in this state of perfection; but having strayed from the law of nature to follow their own caprices, they have imperceptibly degenerated, and still degenerate every day further from their former splendour. In seeking to correct and rectify nature, whether in their morals or in their persons, they have become monsters.

  Whatever be the truth of this famous system, I declare formally that it is not of this bastard race that I undertake the eulogy. It is you alone, illustrious donkeys, firstborn of nature, whom I mean to celebrate. All the others are indifferent to me. May my praises persuade them to imitate you! That is all I ask of them.

  In vain does this bastard race arrogate to itself the right to debase you, to hold you in contempt: the parallel I am about to draw between your virtues and its own faults shall confound it utterly.

CHAPTER III

  IT IS a very important question, and one that has given no small trouble to many of the Learned, whether in the garden of Eden the ass was created before the horse, or whether they were made together. What is certain is that both the one and the other were created before man: thus this latecomer must yield precedence to them, for they are his elders.

  As for the nobility of the ass, M. Buffon assures us that it is as good, as ancient, as that of the horse; everyone agrees that the horse is the noblest of animals: the ass must therefore still surpass the noblest of mortals.

  The nobility of the ass is all the more commendable in that it is very pure: among them one knows nothing of the secret of grafting a Portuguese lemon-tree, or a Milanese almond-tree, upon a wild stock. They are truly noble in stock and in origin. Besides this, the asses of Montmartre have always detested finance; they have neither gold nor silver, and consequently their nobility is not the fruit of that vile metal. One may ally oneself with them without fear of misalliance: the little donkeys that spring from such unions will be as noble, as much asses, as their parents.

  It is said that the asses of Babylon are most curious about their genealogy, and preserve it with a kind of veneration in their archives: such is likewise the custom of the Arabs. There is not one of them who does not keep, at home, the genealogy of his horses. This People is even more scrupulous on this point than the Babylonians: not only do they draw up a deed when the little foal comes into the world, they draw up yet another when the mare is covered by the horse: this is the means of avoiding every abuse.

  As the asses of Arabia are very handsome, M. Buffon presumes that the Arabs likewise take the precaution of keeping the genealogy of these animals: not having been upon the spot to verify the fact, I shall candidly confess that I do not know whether it be true. All I can affirm is that this custom is not admitted at Montmartre: the ancient families that dwell there are known only by tradition. What I can further certify without fear of contradiction is that several of these families had settled there long before Babylon was inhabited.  I have even heard it said, by persons worthy of belief, that there may still be seen there descendants of that celebrated she-ass who once spoke to the Prophet Balaam: this is without question the most respectable family in the world.

  Another advantage found joined to the nobility of asses is that it renders them neither prouder nor more insolent: they believe that pleasure is made for everyone, and that labour dishonours no one. Their maxim is that nobility is nothing without personal merit; that an ass, however noble he may be, ought to be gentle, industrious, compassionate. They do not claim the exclusive right to know everything without learning anything; they detest gaming and debauchery, contract no debts, devour no one else's substance, and have never committed any base act. Ever tranquil, ever beneficent, they are, upon a double title, both the most ancient and the most noble animals of the Universe.

  This nobility of asses is so authentic, so well attested, that we read in the twelfth collection of the Lettres édifiantes, that at Madurai there is a considerable Tribe of Indians who show them the greatest respect: (it is the Tribe or Caste of the Cavaravadouques.) Those of this Caste treat asses as their brothers, take up their defence, prosecute at law, and ordinarily have fined whoever loads them too heavily, or beats and abuses them without cause and out of temper. In rainy weather they will give shelter to an ass, and refuse it to his driver, unless he be of a certain condition.

  These distinctions, this respect, these regards, arise from the sublime idea they have formed of the nobility of the ass; it is among them an essential article of Religion to believe that the souls of all the nobility pass into the bodies of asses: penetrated and convinced of this sacred dogma, asses are for them objects of veneration, Angels, Gods.

CHAPTER IV

  ALL men are born wicked. It has long been said; and despite Rousseau of Geneva, it shall be said again more than once: this wickedness of man is natural to him, in common with the rest of the animals. An invincible bent draws them toward evil; they seem born only to destroy one another: lions, tigers, bears, wolves, even the horse himself, that animal so greatly extolled, and of whom I shall speak presently, are born with evil inclinations. The ass, on the contrary, has received goodness from nature as his portion. All asses are born good.

  The education given to other animals does not often make them any better. Nero is a striking example of this. Seneca and Burrhus had striven to instil in him all the virtues that go to form an honest man and a great Prince: he became the most villainous of mortals. The ass receives no education whatsoever, yet he grows no worse for it. Inwardly convinced that it is necessary for every individual to be good, in order that all may be happy, he bends beneath the yoke of necessity, and seems, by his resignation, to point out the road one must take to arrive at the highest happiness.

  If men neglect to form the heart of the ass, no more care is taken to form his mind and his body. He is called, they say, a dullard, a simpleton; he can do nothing, one could teach him nothing. They are wrong: he is a diamond still in the form he received from nature: if he is not brilliant, that is not his fault; he is what he must be.

  The son of a Financier fences, plays the harpsichord, dances with lightness, sings with grace: his father is a stout fellow, stiff in the hock, heavy in the jaw, who can scarcely sign his own name. Whence comes this difference? Is it from Nature? No: it is the work of education.

  A horse raises his head nobly; he curvets, he prances, all his steps are measured: is this then astonishing? From his most tender infancy he is tended, trained, instructed, whereas the ass, abandoned to the coarseness of the meanest of servants, or to the malice of children, far from gaining anything, can only lose by his education. Were he not endowed, says M. Buffon, with a great fund of good qualities, he would lose them through the manner in which he is treated: he is the plaything, the butt, the drudge of the boors who drive him, staff in hand, who strike him, who overload him, who wear him out without caution, without mercy. Were he the most dangerous, or the most useless, of animals, he could not be raised any more harshly.

  It is evident that under such masters, and with such principles, it is not possible for the ass to possess the same qualities that are admired in the horse; not that he is incapable of agreeable talents: one need only see him when young to judge of his intelligence and his capacity. A young donkey is gay, pretty, full of fire; he has lightness, gentleness; take him at that age, give him the same lessons as the horse, and you will succeed in forming him just as well.

  The celebrated Chardin, in his most truthful and most remarkable Travels, informs us that in Persia there are very pretty asses, which a kind of Equerries ride evening and morning: they train them to the amble, put them through every turn of the manège, and succeed marvellously well.

  I could cite here a host of examples that demonstrate that asses are capable of the most distinguished education: asses have, at fairs, by their skill and sagacity, excited the admiration of every spectator: people flocked from every quarter to see them, and each went away satisfied, recounting the wonders he had beheld. But as such merit is very slight, I shall enter into no detail on this subject. The ass leaves to the short-eared asses the frivolous advantage of pleasing the eye and casting an illusion over the mind: let them be nature's baubles; as for him, he is content to be good, to be useful — he asks nothing more.

CHAPTER V

  ONE must not despise the ass because he walks on four legs: the lion, whom prejudice has declared King of the animals, walks in no other fashion. Several Philosophers have even maintained that this manner of walking is not only the most solid, but also the most natural; nay, they have done more: they have demonstrated physically that man ought to walk in this fashion, and have declared that so long as he makes use of but two feet, he must be regarded as a monster. There are others who contend that most men are monsters without that; but that is not the matter at present: so let us return to our sheep.

  I say that if one would avail oneself of outward qualities to judge among animals, it is certain that the ass must have the preference; his aspect is neither terrible nor frightful; he is neither overbearing, like a young Abbé, nor arrogant like a newly-ennobled rich man, nor giddy like a girl of fifteen. Decency and simplicity are his portion: he has a gravity of manner peculiarly his own; to see him but walk is to be charmed by his modesty; he goes always with downcast eyes and an even pace. If his gait be slow, it is at least most majestic; none but fools gallop: a Judge, a Bishop, a Rector never run.

  One never sees the she-ass, in order to please, spend part of the day admiring herself, adorning herself. Ever beautiful, ever the same, a natural simplicity spreads over her person all the velvet softness of the graces. A coat of silvery grey, pleasing to the eye, soft to the touch — such is the whole of her adornment. She knows nothing of resorting to art to seduce her fellows: her round and well-formed figure has never been confined within a whalebone corset; she has none of the mania for crippling herself in order to have small feet; she leaves such ridiculous embellishments to the women of Babylon. Her look is modest, her bearing honest; she inspires at once both decency and delight; her teeth are whiter than ivory: she affects no grimaces to make them admired; she wears neither white, nor rouge, nor blue; her beauty has no need of such artificial aids. Besides, a she-ass's moments are too precious to be devoted to frivolity; our she-asses are wise and industrious: coquetry shall never be their fault.

  Nor is vanity a fault of the ass: whether he wear a housing of gold or of canvas upon his back, he troubles himself very little about it; and those who know him esteem him no less for it. All the donkeys of Montmartre know that appearances are often deceiving; they do not take them for judges: it is said that this is rather too much the failing of the Babylonians — so much the worse for them: fine clothes are often the badge of fools.

CHAPTER VI

  ONE ordinarily defines a Philosopher as an animal that ruminates; the ass does not ruminate at all, yet he is an excellent Philosopher. An anonymous Author has written that the ass has courage without cruelty, strength without fury, good sense without pride, and wit without vanity. This Author is right: the ass does nothing for himself, he does everything for others: he is extremely patient, he is gentleness itself. Never is he seen to fight, never has he had a lawsuit; a good friend, a good husband; he is the model and the prototype of all the virtues.

  The ass is ever the same: today he has the same inclinations he had yesterday; and next year he will have the same gait, the same pace as this year. He is neither gluttonous, nor covetous, nor slothful, nor delicate. His philosophy renders him neither gloomy, nor surly: he is an animal of good company, and troubles no one.

  Ingratitude, that fault with which so many Philosophers are reproached, is unknown to him. The ass recognizes his master, he obeys him with pleasure: it is the same with whoever treats him well. He becomes attached to them, and proves to them by a thousand caresses, that he is not insensible to good treatment.

  Whatever may be said of vengeance being a pleasure worthy of a God, the ass prefers clemency to it. Neither does he amuse himself with decrying his fellows : slander and calumny have never found entry into his heart.

  He does not make philosophy consist in taking the opposite course from nature; he knows that he came forth from her hands, that she is his mother, and that the more he follows the sentiments she inspires in him, the more he conforms to the designs she had in creating him; the less unhappy he will be.

  Without swelling his head with a host of ridiculous systems, without surrendering his heart to a thousand chimeras that would torment him without cease, he confines himself within the just bounds that nature and his good sense prescribe. He has never been seen, obstinate over some imaginary merit, to challenge a nightingale to sing; nor to vie with a peacock, in beauty; he knows himself, and does justice to others.

  Without exhaling himself in superfluous regrets over the past, nor alarming himself about the future by a hundred thousand vexing reflections, the ass concerns himself only with the care of making good use of the present: he is born robust and wrapped in a furred hide. Whence has he come? Whither must he return ? This is what scarcely troubles him: certain that he has nothing to reproach himself with, he lives without disquiet, he dies the same way.

  Alas ! must it be that an animal so wise, so reasonable, should have but a few days to live! Scarcely have thirty years elapsed, when he sees his career come to an end; while a vile crow, a useless Financier, a dangerous Attorney, often live near a hundred years. O nature! nature! reform thy laws, measure our destinies by merit, and asses shall be immortal.

  The more I reflect upon the philosophy of the ass, the more I recognize that one was wrong to blame Heinsius, for having advanced that the ass was the sage of the Stoics. Nothing troubles him, nothing disquiets him; he allows himself to be neither dazzled by pomp, nor corrupted by pleasure, nor cast down by pain. Overwhelmed beneath the heaviest burdens, beaten with blows, he is not at all moved. He still follows his road, plucking here and there, a few blades of grass which he eats quite tranquilly. Is not this that impassiveness, that absolute indifference, so much recommended among the Stoics, and which they never possessed except in idea.

  The ass is also of the sect of Diogenes the Cynic : he lives from day to day, without troubling himself about the morrow. Oats, hay, thistle, he eats what is given him, what he finds; anything suits him : appetite seasons his fare. He needs no one; he never asks for anything: he is the least troublesome of all animals. He is also the one who puts himself out the least; when pleasure calls him, in whatever place he may be, he declares his flames, he satisfies his desires.

  No, no, never did Diogenes know this thoroughgoing independence of mind and body. Epicurus himself, that zealous partisan of pure voluptuousness, nor any of his followers, ever knew as perfectly as the ass, that tranquillity of soul, that sweet quietude so vaunted in their writings. Despite their efforts to banish from their bodies, the prejudices of education, these self-styled Philosophers all paid tribute to human frailty. A cruel uncertainty accompanied them even unto the tomb: they lived in fear, they died in despair.

CHAPTER VII

  FROM what has just been read, it is evident that the ass is not so stupid as is thought. He has good sense, that is certain; he has wit, the fact is beyond doubt. Those who maintain the contrary confound the objects, and this confusion is the source of their error. I have already said, that domestic asses are of two kinds, those of Babylon, and those of Montmartre; I grant that the former are absolutely devoid of wit: but it is not the same with the latter, they are exceedingly witty. It would be vain to object to me that since the world began, there has never been among them, neither Academicians, nor Journalists, nor Authors; that is not a proof that they are imbeciles: birth or patrons, that is enough to make an Academician. To receive Authors' presents, to have printed the extracts which they themselves make of their works, that is all a Journalist's employment amounts to. As for Authors, it suffices to know how to scribble on paper to become one: wit enters into none of it.

  I have heard tell of the Academy of the Do-Nothings; there, beyond contradiction, is a fine Academy: I have been assured that the number of aspirants is very great, and that one is to be established at Babylon; I have no doubt it will soon be filled: it would be vain to establish one at Montmartre. The asses are too witty, too industrious to be admitted there. There is in my homeland but a single Society; it is that of useful beings: it is worth, I believe, quite as much as all the Academies in the world.

  Not only do the asses have wit, they have taste as well. Were they rich or powerful, I am quite certain that several Academies would already have enrolled a great number of them into the class of amateurs. The ass loves Music: his voice is not too pleasant, but he has a keen ear and above all a very true one: a fine piece of Music delights our donkeys, and affects them to a degree that one notices : the Operas produced at present would perhaps not produce this effect: one need not be astonished at it, Lully and Rameau have somewhat spoiled us.

  There have been asses so passionate for the Sciences, that they would forget to eat and drink. Origen and Porphyry had for a classmate, an ass celebrated in History; he regularly went to hear the lessons of the celebrated Ammonius of Alexandria. His assiduity, his attentiveness earned him the honor of being held up as an example to the disciples of that great Master: it is to be presumed that had death not carried him off in the flower of his age, he would have become the most learned ass of his century.

  Another Ammonius, who flourished under the Emperor Anastasius, likewise had an ass, whose taste was so decided for Poetry, that he preferred not to touch the food set before him, rather than interrupt his attention, to the reading of a Poem he heard recited. How many Authors are there in Babylon, who will never find so obliging an Audience!

  Shall I speak here of the ass of that Greek named Rieule, whose amusing history a Spanish Author has preserved for us. It takes wit to frighten the Devil. The Sorcerers themselves speak to him only trembling: yet this ass, possessed by an evil spirit, made him decamp like a fool: this ass was therefore no dumb beast.

  If the asses had no wit, would Apuleius have admitted, as he did, that he became worthy of being a Priest of Isis only after having been transformed for a time into an ass. Lucian, the celebrated Lucian, with all his wit, would never have succeeded in obtaining what was granted him, had he not taken on the witty figure of an ass.

  Admit, then, Messieurs the Babylonians, admit that the asses have wit, since in every age they have given authentic proofs of it; since the finest wits have succeeded only by becoming asses : and what is still more extraordinary, admit that not only do they have wit, but that they never lose it. Age does not affect it, illnesses cannot disturb it: Corneille in growing old, wrote old men's Tragedies; wit declines with the body; sometimes it is lost: often it goes astray. The ass is not subject to these accidents; an ass has never been seen to fall into dotage, nor has one ever been committed to the madhouse.

CHAPTER VIII

  WHEN I think of the researches of the Babylonians, and above all of those who assume the pompous title of Savants, I cannot help exclaiming that they have far less wit than the asses. Indeed, with what do these fine geniuses, these splendid Academicians, occupy themselves? One turns himself inside out to search for the quadrature of the circle, another, before the furnace, warms himself, at the expense of his patrimony which evaporates in smoke; this one moves heaven and earth to find perpetual motion: that one chases after some other chimera..... Vain and frivolous mortals, contribute to our needs, labor to make others happy, this occupation alone is worthy of you!

  O Noah, dear Patriarch, who first tasted the fruit of the vine cultivated by thy hands, and thou who transplanted it into the Gauls, divine Trajan, receive, both of you, my homage! My heart has ever offered it to the friends of humanity, you are their benefactors.

  But speaking of Noah (3) , do you know, Messieurs the Babylonians, that it is to the ass that you owe the precious art of pruning the vine? Men, says a learned Author, having noticed that the asses were gnawing at vine branches in certain places, and that these branches thus gnawed bore more fruit, than those which remained whole, turned to profit this fortunate discovery. They learned by this means, the art of pruning the vine, and of multiplying the grapes.

  The gratitude for so great a benefit, this Author continues, led the inhabitants of a leading City of Greece, to erect in the middle of a public Square, a stone Statue in honor of the ass. The most distinguished geniuses vied for the glory of composing its inscriptions; and nothing was spared to bear witness to an ungrateful posterity, of the obligations owed to so useful an animal.

  It was doubtless for the same reason that the ass was so dear to Silenus, the foster-father of Bacchus; it was for this that the Romans decorated their dining halls, with asses' heads entwined with vine branches; and that the Syrians, as well as the Hebrews (4) , used almost the same word to signify an ass and wine.

  The memory of so great a benefit, had rendered the ass venerable to all Nations; men thought of him only with joy, spoke of him only with tenderness. For my part, cries the anonymous Author whom I have cited and shall cite again, when I consider the advantage we derive from this useful invention, I could never meet an ass, without feeling my heart moved at the sight of him, with a   tenderness mingled with I know not what respect for so august a benefactor. Where is the animal, I do not say in Babylon, but in the Universe, who has taught us so necessary a science? The spider has, it is said, given the idea of the web, the swallow gave rise to the Architects, the nightingale formed the Musicians, goats have introduced the use of coffee (5) , the hippopotamus that of bloodletting. A host of other animals have indicated the properties of several other simples; and but for the beak of a stork, there would not be a single Apothecary on earth. These discoveries, I admit, have their merit, but how far removed they are from the invention of pruning the vine, of which the ass is the author.

  Parlemon invented or perfected Grammar; Apollo Poetry; Gorgias Rhetoric; Aristotle logic; Aesculapius Medicine; Zoroaster Astrology. Alas! Of what use in the world are these vain Sciences, compared with the wine that rejoices the heart of man? What cold and languishing verses would the Poets not make, if they did not often exchange the water of Hippocrene for the milk of Santeul? Who speaks better, who makes finer figures of Rhetoric, than a man who has a few bottles of wine upon his conscience? Who pushes an argument in ferio or in baroco better than he? Will anyone dare dispute with me that since there have been Physicians in the world, all of them together have not by chance effected the third part of the cures that wine has effected by its own virtue? As for Astrology, there is no good drinker who does not mock it. Yes, yes, wine is the key to the Sciences, the father of masterpieces, the source of all pleasures! You who have learned to multiply it, useful donkeys, who could ever sufficiently acknowledge such great benefits.

  Without your fortunate discovery, what would become of the finest feasts; in vain Doctor Sangrado sends his patients to quench their thirst with frogs, he will have few followers; in vain does Normandy extol everywhere the juice of its apples, Holland its beer, England its punch .. Wine, wine alone, is the restorer of life, the soul of feasts, the nectar of mortals. Without the ass, how many people would nonetheless be deprived of this delicious juice ! The vine that is not pruned, bears little fruit, the wine would then be even more rare, more dear than it is. Courtilles, Porcherons, la Rapée, charming places, you would be deserted; Saint Denis despite its great measure, would no longer be visited by the Tipplers; wine would be sold at the price of gold.   Ah! Who could drink it with impunity, if not the Financiers, the Prelates, the... yes... that is understood, gold and silver cost them nothing; they never lack for it.

  O Donkeys, dear donkeys! Can it be that after so useful, so necessary a discovery, you are still blamed, still despised! Is there an injustice comparable to that of the Babylonians?

CHAPTER IX

  ALTHOUGH the asses of Montmartre, as I shall say hereafter, are not the vile flatterers of their she-asses, they are not, however, insensible to the charms of beauty. No, no, the Empire of the Graces extends equally over the asses and the Gods. O son of Venus ! God of Paphos, Love, it is to thee that I address myself? Speak, hast thou in the Universe Subjects more submissive, more devoted than those whom I am eulogizing. Who more often than they, burns upon thine Altars the incense due to thy Divinity? Ceaselessly they load thee with gifts, and by everlasting offerings, they celebrate thy power and thy benefits.

  Withdraw, cold and languid creatures? Stand aside, feeble mortals? It is to the ass alone, that it belongs to penetrate into the sanctuary of love; to him alone is the victory due. He is that phoenix so celebrated in the annals of the world: he finds life amid the flames, he is reborn in the midst of the pyre.

(6) Here it is that words fail me to give a just idea of the superiority of the ass. Had I the imagination of Aretino and the coloring of La Fontaine, my efforts would still be superfluous. That after having stolen a few kisses from her, Tircis expires in the arms of the too voluptuous Amaranthe; that the Masters of the world, the Mark Antonys, the Caesars, find an invincible obstacle to satisfying their impetuous desires; nothing stops the ass, nothing casts him down. From the proudest of mares, to the humblest of she-asses, all feel his power.

  What is chiefly admired in the asses of Montmartre, is that they are neither curled nor scented with musk, when they go a-courting; they go to the essential, frivolity never occupies them: accustomed to voyaging to the isle of Cythera, they avoid all its detours, all its labyrinths. They know the road that leads to the Temple of Cnidus; they always arrive there first.

  I do not recall having heard tell that any of them ever took it into his head to compose verses to declare his flames. They do not ruin themselves in serenades, in gifts; they say that none of that is love.

  The she-asses are neither capricious, nor simpering. Never do they deceive their lovers: sincerity is their portion. Sensible to the attractions of pleasure, a tender avowal is always paid with a tender return. Ah! Who could resist their lovers? It is to them that the God of pleasure has entrusted his formidable scepter. These are they whom love has made the keeper of his torch: marvelous torch ! The more it is stirred, the more it flames; it is never extinguished.

  O how many heroes have vainly sought this advantage! How many times have the Gods themselves, scorning the ridiculous homage of mortals, groaned over their own weakness, envied the lot of the donkeys ?

  Yet such are these animals whom an unjust prejudice has rendered so vile, so contemptible in the eyes of the Babylonians. Let these proud mortals be questioned. One will see that there is not a single one of them who has not a thousand times made the same wishes, as the Heroes and the Gods.

  Console yourselves, dear donkeys; this general outcry, this unanimous admission of your talents, is an authentic title to your superiority. And you fair she-asses ! Grieve not: it is rare to have such husbands.

CHAPTER X

  OLD Age, that hammer which shatters the head of the proudest serpent, seems to spare only asses. The older they grow, says M. Buffon, the more ardent they become for pleasure. If lovers are happy, asses always are.

  Less slow than man, the ass is scarcely three years old before he is already able to reproduce his kind. The she-ass is even more precocious; she is but a child, and already she feels the transports of love. The ass's tenderness for his mate extends likewise to his offspring: for it he has the strongest attachment.

  He will never be reproached with having smothered it at the moment of its birth, with having exposed it in the middle of the streets, with having abandoned it; the asses of Montmartre have a heart, and they ever follow its tender promptings.

  The practice has never taken hold among our she-asses of giving their young out to be nursed by strangers, by hirelings; they know that they are mothers, and that title is too sweet, too respectable, for them not to fulfill the duties it lays upon them. Rarely do they have several young at once; but whatever the number, they never leave them: woe to whoever should try to carry them off — they would defend them at the peril of their lives. Pline the naturalist, assures us that when a mother is parted from her young, she will pass through flames to go and rejoin it. Here one might justly exclaim, the masterpiece of love is a mother's heart.

  When the young ass begins to grow, to gain his strength, the she-ass always takes him with her, gives him good counsel, good examples, good lessons. She knows that it is nothing to have formed his body, if she does not cultivate his heart: to this she devotes all her care.

  The labors of this good mother are not fruitless: the young asses love their parents, they respect them: their absence grieves them; they are content only in their company. How many fathers and mothers would dearly wish to be able to say as much.

  The young asses are most united among themselves: as they share equally in their mother's tenderness, there is no spoiled child among them, nor consequently any jealousy. Ever cheerful, ever frolicsome, they are less brothers than tender friends.

  When the age to be useful has come, they are already accustomed to labor; their mother's example is their law: they feel that they were not born to wallow in soft idleness; they become wise, steady, industrious: they are true Catos.

CHAPTER XI

  IF the usefulness of the services rendered to society is the measure of the gratitude and of the esteem one may expect in return, no animal on earth has greater, more flattering hopes than the ass. He hauls, he carries, he ploughs, he is fit for everything. He is a perpetual mainspring; he almost never rests.

  You who while away your life in noble indolence, and scorn our donkeys, illustrious idlers that you are! Come to Montmartre, and you shall be witnesses of their labors. From the break of dawn until the setting of the sun, they go, they come, a sack of flour upon their backs; they work without respite, they are ever occupied.

  I am no longer young, and yet I have never seen our donkeys chattering in the middle of the streets; nor amusing themselves watching a monkey gambol, or a marmot dance: an ass is above such follies.

  In vain has the proud Aquilon unleashed upon the plain forced the Babylonians to take up their muffs; in vain has the scorching dog-days' heat plunged two-thirds of Babylon into the mire of the Euphrates, the ass braves the rigor of both these seasons. At every hour, in every weather, without a muff, he goes with a steady step to the mill, and returns from it just the same.

  Must the provisions necessary to life be carried into Babylon? He accepts just the same the burden that is laid upon him. To arrive early in that ungrateful City, he cuts short his sleep, he walks a good part of the night, and while the asses of Babylon still rest, he has already contributed to their pleasures.

  O donkeys, useful donkeys! Stop; go not into that proud City: let her be denied, at least for eight days, the necessity of the services you render her, and which she affects to disregard. But no: continue on your way, generous donkeys! It is grand, it is noble, to make ingrates.

CHAPTER XII

  THERE was a time when simplicity reigned in men's manners: pride and softness had not yet brought in the custom of being drawn about in gilded carriages. The names of vis-à-vis, of désobligeante, of cabriolet, were names unknown: the wealthiest men of that day, the most distinguished citizens, did not blush to use their own feet to walk, or to appear on occasion mounted upon an ass. How times have changed! One can scarcely take a step without being splashed by the carriage of a Farmer General, the demi-fortune of some patronized Artist, or the vis-à-vis of an Opera Nymph. Honor, learning, probity, crawl in the mud: ignorance, intrigue, infamy, rank among the Gods.

  Do not grieve, then, O donkeys! If in this time of misfortune and perversity you are abandoned, you are neglected; it is better to be unknown, than to become the slave and the victim of fools or of wicked men.

  We read in History that the ass was formerly the noblest mount of Oriental Princes, and of the greatest Lords of their Court. It was in animals of this kind that their greatest riches consisted. Job had but five hundred asses before the devil and his wife had tormented him: he had a thousand in his days of prosperity and happiness. According to Josephe, it was the custom among the Jews, on the wedding day, to lead the new bride to her husband's house, mounted upon an ass gallantly adorned. The same Historian tells us that the Office of Intendant of the Asses was one of the most illustrious posts at the Court of the Kings of Israel. We see, from the roll of David's chief officers, that under his reign, Jadias Meronathides held this eminent Office.

  Professor Passerat has observed that the ass was held in such great veneration among the Romans, that the most illustrious families of the Republic made it a matter of pride to take its name. Since the Popes ascended the Throne of the Caesars, they too have held these animals in particular esteem. Celestin .V. had such veneration for them, that he fulminated a Decree, by which he forbade all Cardinals to make use of any other mount: he himself never went abroad otherwise than on foot, or mounted upon an ass. The mule of his successors is still famous throughout the whole Universe.

  In France, Jean de Mathea, Doctor of the Sorbonne, and Founder of the Mathurins, likewise preferred this mount to any other: he enjoined upon his disciples, by an article of the Rule, never to travel upon any animals but asses. It is on account of this article, which was scrupulously observed in the earliest times, that the Religious of this Order were adorned with the title of Brothers of the Asses: a respectable title which they have cast off, and which sensible people will forever regret.

  Horses long went untamed: roaming wild in the woods, they were classed among the savage and dangerous animals. Those who first mounted them were looked upon as monsters; they were called centaurs. At first the horse was employed only in war, in battle: the ass was the customary mount in time of peace. Oxen drew the chariots of Kings, and shared with the ass the service of the public. Little by little a means was found to moderate the horse's ferocity; a bit was set between his teeth, he was gelded, and men adopted him.

  The ox returned to the fields to obey the useful ploughmen; the ass still remained in the Cities, but his labors were restricted. The horse took from him the brilliant posts, and they shared the useful ones between them. It was even thought of joining the two together, and from this bizarre alliance there came forth a new being, who might perhaps have surpassed them both, had he been able to reproduce.

  Asses were nevertheless still used in certain places as mounts: the curious Chardin assures us that at the Court of Ispaham, these animals have always been maintained in the privilege of serving the greatest Lords, and of adorning the grandest festivities. It is the same in the Indies, where these animals are larger, handsomer, more convenient than horses. Elsewhere, the ass is the ordinary mount of almost all women; those of Grand Cairo pay their visits mounted upon asses magnificently caparisoned. In France, there are Provinces where one travels post upon asses; and it is not a hundred years since one still saw, in Babylon, Magistrates and Physicians mounted upon mules, that worthy breed of the donkeys.

  Let not the horse glory in the sort of preference that seems to be granted him? The ass enjoyed, before him, the very same honors of which he makes such a parade. He still shares in them today; a time will perhaps come when a new animal, tamed as the horse was, will replace him: what do I know? Man is so fickle, so various: he will grow weary of horses, he will take up asses again: stranger changes have been seen. Were the Babylonians ever constant, it would be a miracle.

CHAPTER XIII

  THE horse is fiery, reckless, headstrong: this resemblance to the asses of Babylon has doubtless made this animal precious to them. Grave and sensible people are not to their taste: it should be no wonder if the ass, the gravest, the most prudent of beings, does not sympathize with the Babylonians. He does not have the advantage, as the horse does, of killing his master, and maiming passers-by; a very considerable advantage, and one which makes for one of the finest prerogatives of that animal.

(7) It is true that Dame Justice disputes him this privilege. She insists absolutely that a horse, of whatever quality he may be, go no faster than an ass of Montmartre, or a Doctor, and she is right; what would become of the legs, the arms, the heads of those who have them, were horses permitted to follow their fiery inclinations. The life of the citizen would not be safe, and horses would send more people into the other world than Physicians do; that would not be just; they have not purchased this right, it does not belong to them. I most heartily approve the law which commands conformity to the pace of asses; it does honor to our donkeys, and will render horses less proud.

  If what I have been told is true, they have no cause to be so: I have been informed that a certain Lord, a man most equitable and most judicious, had a horse hanged some time ago in his stable for having broken his Coachman's leg. Our donkeys will never be reproached with such an infamy. Since the World has existed, none of them has ever been hanged.

  More than that, no complaint has ever been lodged against them; and but for a woman who, some years ago, sought to prevent an ass from renewing acquaintance with a pretty friend of hers, Justice would never have heard tell of them.

  Oh, how many people would wish that they had never mounted anything but asses! Would the Universe have had cause to fear being roasted? Would Jupiter have been obliged to strike down Phaeton with his thunderbolt, had four donkeys drawn the chariot of the Sun? Alas! What advantage would man himself not derive from it? The grave and majestic gait of these animals would prolong the duration of their course; the days would be longer, one would live longer.

  Who is this young Princess whom I perceive at the foot of those dreadful rocks? The air resounds with her cries: what ails you, fair unfortunate one, what ails you? But the whole plain is covered with blood; limbs scattered here and there freeze me with horror. Whither run these horses covered in foam? Whence come the wreckage of this chariot? Ah, I see it now; it is the tender Aricie weeping for her dear Hippolyte whom the furious steeds have dashed to pieces among the rocks; may some propitious God restore him to this weeping lover! May asses henceforth be the mount of lovers!

  I should never finish, were I to relate here the sad adventures of all those who have been the victim of their horses. You who in these recent times have made such a stir in Germany, Frédéric, steel and fire spared your life, and in the bosom of peace, a fiery horse nearly took it from you. The cabriolet you were driving overturned, your feet tangled in the reins could not free themselves, and your horses dragged you pitilessly through the dust: O Hero of Prussia, continue to make pretty verses, to make your Peoples happy, and drive cabriolets no more.

  I have seen Denmark in tears; a horse was the cause of it: he had broken the leg of that Prince, the tutelary god of the North, of Fréderic V, whom peace, justice, and humanity will forever mourn.

  What shall I say of the horse of Sejean (8), so fatal to his master, and to all those who possessed him thereafter? Shall I speak of Camille, who, on the report of Tite-Live, drew upon himself the envy of the Roman People, because after the taking of Veïe, he appeared in Rome upon a chariot drawn by four white horses? Possession, mere use, all is fatal.

  On the contrary, the mere encounter with an ass is of good omen: Auguste experienced it at the famous battle of Axium. On leaving his camp, the first object he perceived was an ass; charmed by this happy omen, he did not doubt that Heaven favored his undertaking: he fought under the auspices of the she-ass, and came forth the victor of the combat.

  Auguste was not ungrateful. To immortalize this happy encounter, he had a statue raised to the ass in the city that was built on the site of his camp, and this statue was long one of the most precious monuments of Nicopolis.

(8b) Horse, fatal mount, you make me shudder when I think upon the fate of that young Prince, the delight of his father and the hope of France. Ah Philippes, retire into your Palace, go not out today: the day is sorrowful, the sun dares not appear, all of nature seems to forebode some sinister misfortune. My cries are lost upon the air: the Prince has his horse made ready; he mounts, and there he goes: may the favoring Gods direct his steps. O Heaven, what have I seen? the horse has stumbled, the Prince lies stretched upon the ground, they fly to his aid: vain cares; he heaves a sigh, he is no more.

  O horses, dare, after that, to dispute the preference with donkeys! That swiftness of which you make such a display is a fearsome quality: in vain will you imitate the gait of asses, you will always be dangerous. An animal naturally gentle and peaceable ought to prevail over you. Your tall and slender legs will never have the solidity of the ass's. Should he happen to stumble, the jolt is not violent: should one fall, the danger is not great; the lower one sits, the less falls are to be feared.

CHAPTER XIV

  It seems to me already that I hear a splendid steed neighing; I fancy I see him cast a look of disdain upon the ass grazing at his side, and, leaping into the air, make a show of his skill and his beauty. Compose yourself, o too-proud horse: that golden housing, that silver bit, those cockades, those ribbons that adorn you, are but the symbol of frivolity. Whoever possesses only that merit is, to my mind, of less account than a butterfly, the most elegant, but the most useless of insects.

  Nor should the quality of the persons who employ you be a cause for pride. The ass once enjoyed the same advantages you now enjoy: he shares them still, and does not glory in them. All these accessories are foreign to personal merit, and it is merit alone that must judge us. You are young, brisk, handsome; you are cherished, you are feted. Tremble, tremble, old age will soon overtake you, and from Bishop you shall become Miller. Such is quite the custom.

(9) You wrongly object to the ass that in certain countries he is made an infamous instrument of punishment; he might level the same reproach at you. Was it not to a horse's tail that the famous Brunehaut was bound, that Queen so reviled by the ancients and vindicated by the moderns? Is it not a horse that draws the cart bearing a criminal to the scaffold, that pulls the hurdle on which is stretched the corpse of one who took his own life (10)? Perfidious Metius (a), it was untamed horses that tore you limb from limb to avenge your treachery. If some wretched woman, who has not blushed to degrade her sex by sacrificing innocent victims to prostitution, is condemned to be paraded through the streets of Babylon, a straw hat upon her head, seated upon an ass, her face turned toward its tail, is that a reason to despise the ass that bears her? Assuredly not: chastising the wicked has ever been the office of demi-gods.

  The objections of the asses of Babylon are no better founded than those of the horse: they cry out against the ass's occupations; they call them vile, coarse, base and degrading employments: this pretended baseness is wholly imaginary. No station on earth is dishonorable, provided one fills it with zeal and integrity. Let a usurer, a hypocrite, a sluggard be covered with opprobrium, I raise no objection; but were an ass employed at tasks even more menial than those he is given, so long as he is industrious, so long as he does his duty, he deserves praise.

  Besides, what is meant by vile employments? What are those of the ass, that they should be ranked in that class? Is an active Ploughman, an intelligent Craftsman, of less worth to society than a Monger of Cabrioles, a Cup-and-Ball Player? Is it nobler to throw dice upon a green cloth, or shuffle cards, than to carry dung to enrich the soil? Such, however, is the ass's employment: where is this pretended baseness over which such a fuss is made? It is a phantom, which shall never be made real.

  I see but a single difference between the occupations of an ass of Montmartre, and those of an ass of Babylon: the usefulness of the one, and the superfluity of the other: one can do without Doctors, Clerks, Actors.... an ass is absolutely necessary, and whatever is necessary cannot be contemptible. Let us then speak no more of these frivolous objections: let us honestly agree that, whether one considers his exterior or his interior, the ass is the most useful and the most perfect of animals.

CHAPTER XV

  CONFUSIUS, who died some seven thousand years before I was born, counselled the Chinese to despise injuries, to forgive them; this morality is also that of the asses of Montmartre, but they have another article in their moral Code which does not permit them to hear truth outraged and hold their peace: they are commanded to make it prevail, and to confound falsehood. The rank, the power, the fortune of impostors are not able to impose silence upon them. Born protectors of truth, in every age, in every place, they must ever defend her.

  It is to conform to this article that I here undertake to vindicate the asses, to wash them of the horrible stains which their enemies, and above all the Babylonians, strive to fix upon them. They are accused of being stubborn, cowardly, timid and wicked. Here, doubtless, is a most grave body of accusation: yet nothing is easier to demolish: it is pure calumny.

  The ass has naturally great constancy and firmness; hence it is that in Hebrew a she-ass is called athon, which comes from the verb athana, signifying to be firm in one's purposes: which agrees rather well with what Homer says of Achilles, whose firmness he compares to that of an ass, in the second book of his Iliad.

  If constancy and firmness are laudable in that Hero, why make them a crime in an ass? Why should that which is a virtue in the one be a vice in the other? A weak Senator, who wavers and vacillates in his opinion, is despised; men laugh at Soliman, whom a little turned-up nose sets thinking of the Babylonian woman, and yet when an ass is constant in his resolutions, he is called obstinate, a stubborn fellow. Such an inconsistency suffices to demolish this first count of the indictment.

  I have heard my grandfather say that certain she-asses of Babylon gave currency to this calumny: my child, he often told me, should you ever go into that city, be wary of the she-asses; they affect a gentle countenance; one would say simplicity flows from their lips, while pride and vanity sit enthroned in their hearts. Never let yourself be caught in their snares, whether in their presence or in their absence; always say what you think, and always think what is true. I know that by following my counsel they will detest you; you will pass for an ill-mannered fellow, a stubborn one: be not alarmed at it. The hatred of fools is the treasure of the wise.

  I have since found, by my own experience, that my grandfather was not mistaken. The oldest asses, like the youngest, all grovel before the Babylonian women. This general debasement of the short-eared asses has caused those of Montmartre to be regarded as stubborn: but this reproach is their triumph and their glory.

  Our donkeys are accused, in the second place, of being timid, of fearing water. When an ass, it is said, crosses a bridge or a river, he stamps his foot, and advances only after having sounded the passage: to this there are two answers: I find first in this action of the ass an admirable lesson in prudence: by thus sounding the ford with his foot, the ass teaches those who mock him that one should never venture, save with great caution, into uncertain and perilous undertakings. He who would not expose himself to repentance must foresee follies. Those who have passed through the crucible of Saint Côme, will readily understand what I mean. Foresight has never been a fault.

  On the other hand, even were the ass to dread the water, that would not prove him timid: he would have this in common with the greatest men of antiquity. Behold Ulysses in the Odyssey, Aeneas in Virgil, the slightest tempest gives them the colic: the reason is quite simple: death found amid the waves is neither glorious nor worthy of a Hero.

  As for the charge of cowardice, it is utterly without foundation, and belied by experience. In vain it is objected that the ass has long ears, and that all animals of that kind are fearful. This prejudice does not move me. How many animals there are whose ears are scarcely visible, and who are yet the greatest cowards on earth. Let us therefore set the ears aside, and agree that a good male is ever courageous: certainly no one will dispute this quality in the ass: he has courage, then. The argument admits of no reply.

  It is true that the ass is not a brawler: he is not to be seen at every instant ready to cut throats over trifles, and, since a sword would be quite useless to him, he carries none. Our young donkeys do not pride themselves on smashing lanterns, beating those who serve them, throwing everything into disorder and uproar; such fine exploits are worthy only of the short-eared donkeys: at Montmartre they do not even make much of self-defense, deeming it quite useless and sometimes dangerous. In general the asses are of a peaceable temper. Were there on earth none but asses and donkeys, there would be neither war nor lawsuit.

  On occasion, however, the asses have given proof of their courage. Pagan Mythology teaches us that the Giants, those bastard children of the earth, having formed the design of scaling heaven and driving out Jupiter, had built a long ladder out of great boulders piled one upon another. Already one of these notorious hotheads had reached the topmost rung; already he had one foot in heaven, and the Gods had taken refuge beneath the onions of Egypt: none remained in Olympus but Jupiter, struggling as best he could with a handful of thunderbolts, and the ass of Silenus. It was all over with the immortal band; it was all over with Jupiter himself, had not this intrepid ass, moved by the peril that threatened heaven, suddenly begun to bray with all his might; the vaults of the firmament rang with these extraordinary cries; the echo of the abyss repeated them with horror: the terrified Giants believed the Universe was collapsing beneath them; in trying to flee, they tumbled one upon another; their ladder overturned and crushed them as it fell.

  The defeat of the Giants did such honor to the ass of Silenus, that the grateful Gods gave him, after his death, a place in the firmament: he is still today numbered among the constellations, and his brilliant star shines and confounds the unworthy slanderers of the asses of Montmartre, his descendants, his equals.

  Herodotus, the father of History, furnishes us likewise with an example of the bravery of asses. I cite him in preference to a host of others, because he will at the same time demonstrate that the horse himself, thought so courageous, must yield to the ass. Herodotus relates that the Persians, being at war with the Scythians, the latter were mounted on horses, while the former had no mounts but asses, animals then unknown in Scythia. Scarcely had the two sides come to blows when, roused by the heat of combat, the asses fell to braying with vehemence. This sudden and general outcry struck terror into the hearts of the Scythians and their horses: they broke ranks, were pursued, and were vanquished.

  Plutarch relates, in the life of Alexander, an even more memorable example of the courage and intrepidity of the ass: it should confound all slanderers. This Author recounts that an ass fought with a lion: the attack and the defense were most spirited on both sides: the ass, with his teeth, his head, and his hooves, performed prodigies of valor. It is said that he lost an ear in the encounter, but the lion was the one to perish, expiring beneath his blows.

  I believe these examples suffice to prove that the ass is neither cowardly nor timid: the asses of Babylon are challenged to cite as many.

  Lastly, the ass is accused of being wicked: this accusation is all the more atrocious, in that at all times the ass has given proof, not only of his goodness, but also of his antipathy toward the wicked: this aversion is so natural to him, that the Author of the Latin Book De quadrupedibus, has said that when the ass perceives a wolf, he at once turns his head so as not to see it. Judge, then, of his abhorrence of wickedness, if the mere sight of the wicked makes him shudder! Alas, how many short-eared asses lack this same delicacy. If what has been reported to me is true, far from fleeing wolves, they burn incense even to toads.

  Ancient Mythology contains so striking an example of the aversion of asses to wickedness, that I should think myself wanting in what I owe these respectable animals, were I to pass it over in silence. O all you who, like Maecenas, feign to sleep, when rich protectors keep watch with your wives or your daughters, sham asses that you are, hear what a true ass once did, and blush.

  You perhaps know that Vesta was a Goddess, young and pretty, who had sworn by the Styx, that never should any God, still less a mortal, touch a certain little rose which nature had bestowed on her at her birth. Already fifteen years had passed, and Vesta had not broken her oath. Who would be virtuous, if a Goddess were not? Do not suppose, however, that her fidelity had never been put to the test. All the Gods had attempted to steal the rose, all except Priapus, had confessed themselves beaten; this Priapus possessed the gift of perseverance: with it he hoped to obtain the rose; but alas the poor God had fared no better than the others, and Vesta laughed at his torments.

  One day, as this young Goddess, seated upon a bed of turf, mused upon the various assaults she had repulsed, and secretly congratulated herself upon her triumphs, a sweet slumber stole over her eyelids; without perceiving it, she fell asleep. Priapus was on the watch: this involuntary sleep was his doing. Weary of perseverance, the rogue had resorted to cunning. Ah, this time, said he, drawing near, the rose is ours. He spoke and already... An ass was grazing nearby. He perceived the criminal designs of the God: indignant at his rashness, he fell to braying: Vesta awakes: Priapus... Priapus has vanished.

  Lactantius informs us that it is in memory of this important service, that formerly, during the feasts of Vesta, asses crowned with flowers, with loaves hung about their necks, were led through the streets of Rome. A most legitimate honor, no doubt! One can never too greatly reward the friends of virtue.

  Return, then, to nothingness, infamous slanderers, or else pay homage to the truth: that firmness which you reproach in the ass, far from being a fault, is a virtue your kind never possessed: his timidity is but ample prudence. He is neither cowardly nor wicked. You alone deserve these odious reproaches. The ass might here take his revenge, he might reveal your vices, and cover you with ignominy........ but no. It is enough to have avenged outraged truth; the guilty must be spared.

CHAPTER XVI

  To complete the demonstration of the superiority of our donkeys over all animals in general, and over the short-eared asses in particular; it will not be out of place to say here a few words about the she-asses of Babylon; they exert too great an influence upon society for us to pass them over in silence.

  Since it is not customary to go seeking what one already possesses, it must be concluded that the Babylonian women have never had beauty for their portion; they seek it all their lives. What is indeed most singular is that they imagine it to be a commodity found in the marketplace, and that with money one may purchase it. Accordingly, they run morning and evening to the merchants, to buy it up: unfortunately none of these dealers in beauty has the privilege of selling wholesale, they dispense it only retail; and each merchant often deals but in a single kind. At this one's, it is roses; at that one's, lilies: here one finds freshness, on another side, teeth are sold; elsewhere curls and chignons are dispensed; a sixth keeps a stock of bosoms of every age, of every size; a seventh removes unwanted hair; an eighth supplies materials for making eyebrows, and so on for the rest. So that a woman is obliged to make the rounds of six-and-thirty shops, before she has gathered together all that she needs to become beautiful.

  On returning home, it is quite another Opera; all these scattered scraps must be stitched back together. To accomplish this, recourse is had to menders of beauty, called Chambermaids: it is an immense undertaking. Scarcely two hours' labor suffice to see it through: there is always some seam that pinches. It is not so easy as one might think to make a face pieced together out of scraps and patches look new. Happy the she-ass who has a skillful mender! She will turn her countenance every which way.

  The Babylonian women, not being naturally beautiful, have but a very imperfect notion of beauty: this notion is, moreover, exceedingly subject to change. This has led several naturalists to believe that beauty is a matter of pure convention, having nothing real about it. Others, struck by the sort of uniformity they have observed in the features of all the she-asses, have not dared to settle the question. For my part, having examined the Babylonian women most scrupulously, I have observed that this changeableness and this uniformity arise from the fact that, in the Capital, there appears from time to time a model to which all the she-asses who aspire to the title of pretty must conform. I recall that on my last journey, this model was enough to drive to despair those who were dark-haired. Fortunately a reddish powder was invented, which brought them into unison; so that all the she-asses of Babylon became blonde.

  I think that the model in question is nothing but a bust tapering to a point, set upon an oval pedestal, clothed in rich drapery that falls behind clear to the ground. At least, such is the shape of all the Babylonian women: the more they taper toward the bottom of the bust, the nearer they approach the model, the prettier they believe themselves. Their body resembles an inverted cone; their head is placed upon the base of the cone, and the point rests upon an oval pedestal such as the one I have just described: that is what is called a woman.

  Since the model has neither feet nor legs, and the she-asses of Babylon have both, this imperfection causes them no small embarrassment: they make every effort to hide this deformity. Commonly they say they have no feet at all, or that they are so small, so very small, that it is not worth mentioning. Woe to those to whom nature has given rather plump ones, they will be squeezed, they will be pinched, and never shall they see the light of day. Indeed, why do not the Shoemakers have the wit to render them invisible? Assuredly, they are fools.

  It is easily guessed that, having no feet, or at least pretending to have none, it is not possible for the Babylonian women to walk: they are not made for it. Yet they are accused of being forever in motion, of being unable to remain a single moment in the same place: this is not surprising, a weathervane must turn at the slightest wind.

  These outward qualities are sustained by countless caprices, a million grimaces, and endless chatter. They detest one another reciprocally, and take pleasure only with the asses of their own country. They make these asses believe that they are the most perfect, the most accomplished creatures that exist in the Universe. From hearing it repeated so often, these asses simply imagine that the women are right: they have raised altars to them; they acknowledge no other Gods.

  At Montmartre, the ass and the she-ass proceed at an equal pace; neither thinks himself above the other; both work, both are useful to the fatherland. At Babylon, it is quite different; the she-asses are Queens: Queens do not work: the asses are their subjects, their slaves, and something worse still.

  A she-ass who has managed to copy the fashion of the day is the compass of the Babylonians' understanding. It is she who directs their thoughts, their words, their actions. Nothing will be well said, nothing well done, save what she shall have said, done, or caused to be done: to disobey her is a crime of lèse-Divine-Beauty. Whoever does not offer incense to the idol is looked upon as an atheist; the thunderbolts of indignation have already struck his head, he will never get on.

  I once knew a robed ass, who had for his mistress one of these self-styled divine beauties; it was she who dictated his Rulings: this one has decided that two sworded asses must cut each other's throats, they must cut each other's throats; a post falls vacant, a worthless fellow seeks it, a she-ass favors him, the post is his. A titled she-ass declares that some other she-ass is prone to false steps; were she the steadiest she-ass in the world, must not every ass of the assembly be of her opinion? Without that, no mercy. A mere doubt is a crime; and the she-ass who sets the tone, were she the most abominable she-ass of Babylon, must be credited with virtues.

  The asses of Montmartre are not so accommodating; were they judges, they would think it a horrible crime to take for their law nothing but their mistress's caprice: were Venus herself to present them with a worthless fellow, they would reproach themselves their whole lives long, were they to prefer him to a meritorious ass. Never will they be heard, in order to pay court, praising those present, and speaking ill of the absent. Let them be called, if one likes, coarse asses, asses without principles, without breeding, they will not take offense at it. It is buying the title of polite too dearly, to pay for it at the expense of honor and truth.

CHAPTER XVII

  It is not enough, in order to appraise an animal's merit, to know the necessity of the services he renders, his good or bad qualities, and those of his rivals; one must also consider the extent of the care he requires, the expense he occasions, the accidents to which he is liable. Now, under this threefold point of view, the ass must again carry the day over the rest of the animals.

  A foal is just born: little by little his mother will raise him. He will scarcely be two years old before he is fit to render service to his master: he is useful before he becomes a burden. His infancy requires no pains, no care. Foals have never been swaddled, nor have any been seen deformed: it is nature that forms them, nothing imperfect comes from her hands. As he advances in age, he becomes no more troublesome: I have already said that an ass's toilette is the shortest and easiest of any animal's. He is not, like other creatures, subject to vermin; whether he is curried or neglected is all one to him. If something bothers him, he rolls upon the ground or rubs against a tree; he needs neither valets de chambre, nor lackeys: he serves himself. His old age is not burdensome; one scarcely perceives that he is no longer young; on the edge of the grave, as in the springtime of his life, he loves to render service, he labors ceaselessly, and is only the more precious for it.

  As for expense, it is quite light, and consequently far from costly. One of our able calculators has even demonstrated that a Monk, a Canon, a hog, eat more in one hour than an ass of good appetite in eight days. Thus, since Montmartre has existed, it has never been heard that a donkey died of excessive fat: they do not even suffer indigestion. The ass owes this advantage to his sobriety; frugal in his meals, he eats nothing that he knows may be harmful to him; he takes only as much food as he needs to live. Not dainty, he eats whatever is given him (12). His drink is the one thing about which he shows extreme delicacy: he will have none but clean, clear water; he would rather go a whole day without drinking, than slake his thirst in mud-holes, in marshes: such is the ass at his meals, a thistle still green, a spring of pure water, there is his nectar, there is his ambrosia.

  It is easy to see that one may regale the ass at little expense; it is this that led the judicious Author of the Spectacle de la Nature to say that the ass is the least costly and most useful of animals. He himself is bought cheaply: dogs, monkeys, birds are sold for a hundred crowns, four hundred francs; a well-formed ass costs not twenty crowns: so true is it that things are not to be judged by their price.

  Sheep are subject to gravel, goats have burning and venomous saliva. Folette, that dog so gentle, so calm, turns furious, she foams, she bites, she runs mad; that fine horse, so light, so lively yesterday, can today scarcely take four steps; he is broken-winded. Man, finally, is overwhelmed by an infinity of ills; the Babylonians find them even in the bosom of pleasure. The ass alone in nature has the privilege of being exempt from all ills.(13)

  Nicole's Specific, Garrus's elixir, you will never win for your master brilliant garments, equipages, lackeys: the asses have no need of you. The celebrated veterinary school would lack occupation, were there nothing but asses in the world: born robust, hardened by labor, moderate in their meals, our donkeys take no Kervazer to aid digestion; they know not what it is to be ill; health shines in their eyes; the seed of life is in their hearts. The she-asses share with them this rare advantage, and their young are born as healthy and robust as they.

  Nor is it customary among the asses of Montmartre to blush over their health; they have none of those accommodating maladies, that arise and vanish at the patient's pleasure. One has never seen, at their levee, a disciple of Aesculapius feel their pulse, examine their tongue, and, taking a pinch of Spanish snuff from a golden box, prescribe a posset for Madame, and restoratives for Monsieur. Contentment, a good regimen, exercise, there are the ass's remedies, there are his Physicians.

CHAPTER XVIII

  I WAS on the point of concluding this Eulogy, when I found yet other different materials which belong to my subject. As I do not resemble those Architects who always take care to set aside enough to build their own house while repairing those of others, I shall employ the materials that remain to me, and I shall begin first with the properties of the ass.

  If we are to believe the ancient authors, the properties of the ass are infinite: his head, buried in the midst of a garden, renders it more fertile, more fruitful; his bones, pounded and drunk with wine, are an antidote to poison; the glue that is made in China from his hide, dissolved in warm water, stanches the loss of blood. Have you the falling sickness ? Take the horn of an ass's hoof, reduce it to ashes, cast these ashes into a glass of wine, drink this potion, have faith and you shall be cured. If you have scrofula, or chilblains, apply these ashes to the afflicted parts; and your pains will vanish. The smoke of this same hoof eases the delivery of a woman whose child has died. Three or four drops of ass's blood drunk in wine cure a continuing fever. Pliny says that the water remaining in the pail after the ass has drunk from it, soothes headaches; his kidneys, adds the same Author, cure a rather droll ailment, namely incontinence. There is not so much as the urine of the ass, nor his dung, that is not useful and beneficial.

  What new spectacle (14) strikes my gaze! Whither go these she-asses? O you who drive them, cracking your whip, and spitting insults into the faces of passers-by, speak! Instruct me, whither do you direct your steps? What, you go into the Palace of the Great! These animals which they despise, are then necessary to them! Yes, doubtless, they are necessary to them : victims of the pleasures they have so ardently desired, the nectar of the Gods has turned to poison for them. Their health shaken, their bodies tottering, everything about them proclaims a total decline. To whom shall they turn in these sorry moments? What object in nature will be capable of snatching them from the arms of destruction? Will it be you, superb lions, furious tigers, terrible leopards? No; far from saving their days from shipwreck, you would swallow them up at once. Will it be you, cold denizens of the wave, or you, delicate fowl, partridges, woodcocks, pheasants? Alas! You are for the most part the authors of their cruel pains; far from relieving them, you would redouble their torments. Give way to this she-ass who advances; she bears in her udders, health and life.

  The milk of the she-ass (15) is equally favorable to the graces, as to health. It revives them, preserves them, embellishes them. Poppaea, that brilliant coquette of ancient Rome, to repair the ravages that pleasures too often repeated wrought upon her beauty, would plunge into baths made with ass's milk. It was thus that she knew how to prolong the reign of her charms; it was thus that from a simple grisette, she became the wife of Nero, and mounted the Throne of the Caesars.

  Where shall one find in the Universe (16), an animal which unites at once properties so great, so varied? The ancients made flutes from the bones of asses, and found them admirable. The Turks make shagreen from his hide; the French, sieves; and everywhere, shoes, kettledrums, drums.

  As for the flesh of the ass, whatever the most venerable Galen may say, it is not in the least dangerous; that of young asses has indeed always passed for very delicious. Is it fresh? One believes one is eating hare. Does it begin to turn? One mistakes it for venison. The Greeks and the Romans, those celebrated gourmands, ranked the flesh of the young ass among the most exquisite dishes. Maecenas, that favorite of Augustus, who so cherished men of wit, was also fond of young asses; he ate them ever with fresh delight: he found in them an admirable flavor. Varro assures us that in his time they were served only at the table of Kings and Pontiffs: whence the young ass came to be called a Pontifical dish. He adds that those of Reate and of Pessinus were the most sought after; that a single one was often bought for forty thousand sesterces, which amount to nearly a thousand crowns.

  Orosius makes mention of a Senator named Axius, who likewise was fond of young asses; but it appears he was not so scrupulous as his fellows: for he would buy his for no more than a hundred crowns, four hundred francs.

  Aulus Gellius, in the list he has left us of dainty and precious dishes, has placed the young ass; he names those of Pessin or Pessinus, as the most esteemed.

  In times less remote, Chancellor Duprat brought the flesh of the young ass into repute in France; it was served at the best tables of Babylon: and a meal without a morsel of young ass was no longer accounted a great meal.

  There are still Countries where young asses are the Master's dish, the daintiest morsel of all. Our travelers report that in Africa one goes to the hunt for wild young asses, as in Germany one hunts fallow deer, or wild boar. They are caught in nets; and their flesh is exquisite.

  Let us conclude here this slight sketch of the properties of the ass: it should suffice to convince us of the utility and superiority of this animal; he gives himself entirely during his life; he still serves in every particular after his death: a God could not do more.

CHAPTER XIX

  IT has been asked whether there existed in nature a being incapable of erring: one may answer affirmatively that it is an ass who predicts fine weather or rain: he is never mistaken.

  I shall not undertake here to explain the reason for this extraordinary phenomenon; does the ass possess a knowledge superior to man's on this subject? Is it in him a supernatural gift, or does that depend upon his physical constitution? This I do not know. I leave this problem to be resolved by some celebrated Academician, curious to know the principle of things. For my part, I content myself with turning their effects to profit: I seek to know no more.

  I know that there are short-eared asses who likewise take it upon themselves to predict rain and fine weather: these are called Astrologers, makers of almanacs. I even once took it upon myself to verify their predictions; I found that from the almanac gilt on the edges, down to the one bound in blue, they are all impostors. The ass alone is infallible: the weather he announces always comes to pass.

  This infallibility was the cause that, in the time when in France, the Kings kept in their pay fools, astrologers, sorcerers; an ass was decorated with the post of Ordinary Astrologer to the King, following the Court. It is under Louis XI, that the Chronologists have placed this celebrated event. One day when this Prince, after having consulted his Astrologer, who had promised him the finest weather in the world, was amusing himself hunting, in I know not what forest, he encountered an old charcoal-burner who was walking quite peacefully with an ass. Louis XI, who loved to talk, could not help questioning this good fellow. Among other things, he asked him whether the day would pass without rain. The charcoal-burner replied that it would not be long before it rained, that he was sure of it; that his ass had told him so. The King laughed heartily at this answer, and continued to hunt; meanwhile the sky clouds over, the rain begins; and Louis XI, King though he was, was thoroughly drenched. He then acknowledged that the charcoal-burner and his ass had not been wrong; he had both of them brought to the Court, gave them the same stipend as his Astrologer, who was driven out in disgrace.

  As merit, above all when it is rewarded, whether at Court or elsewhere, makes for envious rivals; men have sought to diminish that of the ass. It has been said that he is not the only animal in nature that is capable of making good almanacs. Frogs, swallows, scoters, loons, ducks, cats, etc., are but envious creatures, and ought not to be heeded. I have even read somewhere that all their prophecies are false, uncertain, schismatic, erroneous; whereas those of the ass are of the utmost evidence. Does he roll upon the ground? Be assured that before long you shall have fine weather. Does he prick up his ears? Does he walk sideways? It is a sign of rain. Consult this almanac, and you will see that it never lies.

CHAPTER XX

  THE preceding chapter teaches us that the ass has not always been despised by everyone, and that there have been sensible people who did justice to his merit. However much envy may rage against the truth, true merit always triumphs.

  I have already spoken of the cause that earned the ass of Silenus, an honorable place among the Stars of the firmament. I have recounted the triumph of these animals at Rome during the festivals of Vesta; I have made mention of that Statue which the Inhabitants of Naples erected in honor of the ass, inventor of the art of pruning the vine. Finally it has been seen that the greatest men have been compared to the ass, that the most illustrious families have been adorned with his name; and that several grave personages have always preferred him to the horse. All these facts proclaim what the worth of the ass is, what esteem ought to be made of him, and how ill-founded are the prejudices of the Babylonians.

  Plutarch, in the life of Cato, speaks of a mule, worthy offspring of the ass, who having rendered long and important services to the People of Athens, was exempted from labor and permitted to graze wherever she pleased: this respectable beast, although very aged, would still place herself before the wagons she encountered, and encouraged, in her own language, the animals that drew them, often lending them her assistance. This rare diligence produced so great an effect on the mind of the Athenians, that they ordained that this mule should be fed throughout her life at the public expense. Short-eared asses, who enjoy the same privilege, how many among you have not acquired it on so just a title?

 (18) However great, however signal the honors and privileges accorded to asses by the ancients, it is nothing in comparison with what the moderns have done for these venerable animals. A festival was instituted in honor of the ass, and this festival was celebrated for a long time in the greatest cities of France, with all the pomp and magnificence possible. An ass was clothed in superb ornaments : he attended a service composed in his honor: incense was offered to him, the finest place was reserved for him, and at last he was escorted back with the greatest ceremony to the place whence he had been taken. Must it be that customs so fine, honors so legitimately due, have been abrogated? There are those who maintain that they have not been abolished at all, but that it is the short-eared asses who have usurped these honors. That they still hold the first place in ceremonies, that they wear magnificent ornaments, that incense is offered them....... it is one injustice the more: O posterity, posterity, tremble! The crime of thy fathers shall fall back upon the heads of thy children.

  With what pleasure do I recall that sensibility with which formerly the people of Sancerre were penetrated toward the asses, when they were obliged to kill them in order to live. This story, though sorrowful, does too much honor to asses for me not to adorn this Eulogy with it. It is worthy of being handed down to the most distant ages.

  Know then, O all you who shall one day be born, future asses, that in the time of Charles IX, a time of war and desolation, Sancerre was besieged and reduced to the last extremities : rats and mice were eaten, and as the cats had become useless, they were eaten too. The asses were spared: the people chose rather to nourish themselves on the vilest filth, than to let these useful animals perish. Meanwhile the famine increased, everything failed, and no help arrived. At last they resolved to eat the asses: it was a desolation to behold, in those days, the meals of those poor people of Sancerre. Never did the tender Heloise sigh so much in writing to Abelard. Never did Candide utter cries so shrill over the death of Doctor Pangloss, as Sancerre did in eating its donkeys. When they had to kill the last one, pity seized every heart. The loss of this last remnant of the most precious of animals, was mourned more bitterly than that of the first-born of Egypt, and one cannot doubt that there were found among the people of Sancerre some generous enough to prefer death, to a life preserved at the price of that of an ass. Sancerre, Sancerre, small town of Berry, thou shalt not be confounded with the other towns of France; this action shall pass down to posterity, and thy sensibility assures thee an immortal glory.

 (19) I am not at all astonished when I reflect upon the honors that have been rendered to asses in every age, that entire Nations should have been suspected of worshipping him as a God. What surprises me, on the contrary, is that anyone should have thought to make it a crime in them. Worship has been rendered to animals that had nothing Divine about them, to animals dangerous and useless. No one has thought to contest their divinity: why quibble over that of the donkey , The golden calf of the Jews, copied from the ox of the Egyptians, will never be worth an ass.

  You who still have for these sublime animals, a respect that goes as far as veneration; inhabitants of Maduré, wise Cavaradouques, far from blaming you, you shall here receive my praises. You shall regard asses as the beings most noble, most perfect that are upon the earth; you shall cherish them as your brothers, you shall treat them as your friends, may your opinion become that of the Universe !

CHAPTER XXI

  To consider received prejudices, one would say that the more wicked one is, the more terrible one is, the more one is also respected by mortals: if fear made the Gods, terror is the mother of Kings.

  The lion has been awarded the honours of Royalty: what title, then, has he to aspire to this supreme rank? He is the most cruel, the most bloodthirsty of animals: is it, then, by butchering his subjects that one reigns over them? Would barbarity be the eldest daughter of Kings?

  I have a grander, more sublime idea of supreme power. A King must be just, enlightened, beneficent: charged with watching over the happiness of others, he must sacrifice himself to make them happy. To reconcile the general welfare with the interest of each individual, that is the aim of his labours. If you set upon the throne a barbarous heart, a monster, that is no King; it is the scourge of the Universe.

 (20) Let the lion, then, cease to usurp a title he never deserved; a King must be the father of his subjects; the lion is their executioner. He slakes himself on their blood, he feeds upon their flesh; is there in nature a more detestable monster? Let us flee far from the places he inhabits. It is dangerous to be near Tyrants.

  The horse is too proud, too full of himself to mount the throne. A King must be popular; hardness must not sit enthroned in his heart. Raised above others, he is nonetheless their equal; he is weak and mortal as they are. The horse is occupied with nothing but himself; audacious, full of fire, he would wish to be worshipped. A King must wish only to be well loved.

  Shall it be upon the sheep that we bestow the diadem? He is gentle, peaceable, compassionate; he will make people happy. You are mistaken: both extremes are equally to be dreaded upon the throne. A wicked Prince and a King too good advance at an equal pace toward tyranny. The first walks there alone; the second is carried there by those who surround him; that is the only difference.

(22) You know what once befell the monkey, when the animals declared him their King; grimaces, capers, and monkey-tricks earned him this glory; but that very day he fell into a trap..... With a great deal of wit one may please men. That is not enough to reign over them.

  The fox is clever, dissembling: would these two qualities set the crown upon his head? It has been said that he who knows not how to dissemble knows not how to reign. The fox will therefore be an accomplished Monarch, for he will dissemble always. May heaven keep such a Prince from the throne; an open tyranny is less terrible than a hidden policy. If truth were banished from the earth, it ought still to be found in the mouths of kings; that is the oracle of Sovereigns. I see also the cock and the peacock among the contenders; but neither the one nor the other shall have my vote. The first would sacrifice everything to his pleasures; the second would make everything serve his pomp. It is not for themselves, it is for their peoples, that Kings reign.

  There remains to us only the ass. Why should we set him aside from the throne? He is neither ambitious, nor cunning, nor wicked; if he is peaceable, he has firmness and courage when occasion demands. Laborious, sober, vigilant, he has every quality needed to make a good King and a great Prince. His reign shall be one of equity: a just King has never made anyone wretched.

LAST CHAPTER

  LET us end our career here, and finish by urging the Babylonians who shall read this Eulogy, to trample underfoot the prejudices of their upbringing; not to judge things by what others say of them, but by what they really are; to admit nothing until it has been examined with a cool head, until it has been found true and conformable to reason; prejudice is the war-horse of fools.

  May my Readers henceforth see in the lion nothing but a fierce and fearsome monster; in the horse nothing but a pleasing animal, sometimes useful, often dangerous. In the rest of the animals nothing but beings of mediocre usefulness, or whose only merit is their rarity. In the ass, finally, an animal easy to raise, easy to feed, easy to keep; a useful and necessary animal; an animal that rightly deserves the rank of King of animals.

  What must above all fix their attention, is that they no longer confound the short-eared asses with those of Montmartre. These are two absolutely different races; they have neither the same outward form, nor the same inclinations. The former are frivolous, stupid, gluttonous, lazy, insolent: gravity, wit, modesty, love of labour, humanity, these are the attributes of the latter; they are true asses, accomplished asses, whereas the others, whether male or female, are but a bastard race, a degenerate race, worthy rather of pity than of contempt. Return, then, O Babylonians, return from your prejudices concerning the inhabitants of my homeland and those of your own. Have pity on the latter, respect the former; that is the way to render justice to everyone.

NOTES 

(1) Montmartre is a village situated a mile from Babylon, notable for the purity of its air, an Abbey of Nuns, and windmills. (back to text)

(2) Daniel Heinsius, Knight of S. Ma.., Professor of History and Politics at the University of Leyden, who died in 1655, wrote in Latin a eulogy of the ass. Jean Passerat, who was Professor of Eloquence in Paris after the assassination of Ramus, was from Troyes in Champagne; he too wrote in Latin a panegyric of the ass. In 1729, there appeared a third eulogy of the ass in the Babylonian Tongue. One will readily understand that out of these three eulogies, I might well have made one: it is no mystery. (back to text)

(3) Vid. Joannes Pierus Valerianus Hieroglific, Lib. 12, cap. 20. (back to text)

(4) In Hebrew an ass is called Chamor; and wine, Chomer. Ifid. Lib. 2 Orig. derives the word ass from the Latin verb assidere, which means to be seated; because the most common way of using one in former times was to sit astride it.

Lemery, in his Dictionary, derives the ass from a Greek word meaning slow, lazy; this is pure malice on his part; for in the same Language, he might have derived it from another word which means, without fault. This etymology is preferable to the other; it is in keeping with the thing itself. (back to text)

(5) A Shepherd of Palestine who watched over the goats of a Convent, having noticed that when these animals had eaten of a certain shrub, called coffee, they did nothing but caper about all night; reported this marvel to the Prior of the Convent, who suspected that this fruit contained some sleep-banishing virtue. As these Monks were great sleepers, he tried an experiment upon them; it succeeded beyond his designs: not one of the Monks who had tasted of the fruit could sleep, and all attended Matins. The Prior revealed his secret to them. Soon it spread from Monastery to Monastery: and thanks to coffee, Matins were no longer missed. Such is, it is said, the origin of coffee; such is how its use came to be introduced. But, alas! Everything degenerates. The Monks now take coffee in vain, it no longer wakes them. (back to text)

(6) Buffon says that the ass is ardent for nothing but pleasure, or rather that he is furious for it, to such a degree that nothing can restrain him, and that one has been seen to exhaust himself thereby, and to die some time after. It must be granted that these "ones" always witness such fine things. (back to text)

(7) The Parlement, by a Regulatory Decree of 30 March 1635, forbade galloping on horseback through the streets of Paris. A day-labourer was condemned, by a Judgment of 5 December 1731, confirming a Sentence of the Châtelet of Paris, to be bound to the pillory with this placard....For having knocked down a man and injured a woman, by galloping a horse which he was bringing back from watering. (back to text)

(8) Aulus Gellius L. 3. ch. 9. tells us that this horse was from Argos; it was the finest horse ever seen at Rome. He who possessed it first was Cneus Seius, whom Mark Antony put to death. Dolabella afterward bought it for ten thousand sesterces, and Dolabella was killed during the civil war. It passed successively into the hands of Cassius and of Mark Antony, both of whom perished by a violent death. Whence came the proverb: that man has the horse of Sejanus, to denote an unfortunate man. It has been observed that the Constable of Bourbon, whose misfortunes and tragic death during the siege of Rome are well enough known, bore as his device: EQUOSEJANO. In every age, it seems that chance has conspired to lend credit to prejudice and superstition.. (back to text)

(8b) A pig that got tangled in the legs of this young Prince's horse was the cause of this accident. Louis the Fat, at once issued an Ordinance by which he forbade letting pigs henceforth roam loose in the streets of Paris. M. de Sainte-Foix observes on this subject, that the Abbey of S. Anthony made representations against this Ordinance, and claimed that, in consideration of its Patron, who had one of these animals for his sole company, it had the right to keep pigs, whether within the precincts of the Monastery or elsewhere. Its privilege was confirmed. (back to text)

(9) Cordemoy is the first who spoke well of Queen Brunehaut. Modern Historians claim that the ancients spoke ill of her only because they were monks, and because she had done nothing for them. But this is a jest; and although Voltaire has said that she was nearly 80 years old when she is supposed to have been put to death, and that at that age a woman has no hair left; from which he concludes that this fact is false: despite these reasons, I have thought it best to follow the common opinion, which has her dragged by a horse, to whose tail she was attached; without troubling myself whether it was by the feet, by the hands, or by the hair. (back to text)

(10) (note flagged in the text, but nonexistent: see "hurdle") (back to text)

(a) "Metium in diversa quadrigae distulerant" Vitr. I.8, V.642. quotation from Dom Joseph Cajot

Nicot, Thresor de la langue française (1606) also gives a definition of the verb "tirer" [to draw] which introduces the stories of Metius and Brunehaut: (borrowed from the ARTFL project)

"To draw one to four horses, is to break him into four pieces, by force of drawing by four horses, spurred and driven each to one of four different places, Quatuor equis vinctum in diuersa nitentibus lacerare. A. Gell. lib. 20. c. 1. Which is a kind of torment to which are most often condemned the criminals of lèse-majesté; Metius Suffetius, dictator of the Albans, for having falsified the public faith owed to Tullus Hostilius King of the Romans, was the first thus executed, as A. Gellius says in the place aforesaid, and T. Livy in his 1st book, this Roman King being the one to put forward this unwonted kind of torment, and causing it to be suffered by the said dictator, for that, having had his heart and his allegiance divided and split in two (if it must be so said) so as to turn his army to the favour of whichever host, Roman or Fidenatian, should carry the day in the battle: so too did he, by such torment, have his body put into two pieces, for he was bound to the tail of two chariots, each drawn by four horses, as the said authors say, and Virgil in the 8th book of the Aeneid, and torn in two, whereat the Roman host held such horror, that none was thereafter by them executed by such a death, as the said T. Livy declares, and as Servius, upon the said passage of Virgil, would have us understand. A new and final example of a torment scarcely different from this one was made to be suffered, by Hlothaire King of France, upon Brunehaut dowager Queen of the said Kingdom, who, in the midst of the army, was condemned to be dragged, her hair and arms bound to the tail of an untamed filly, which, kicking and running across rocks, thickets and bushes, dashed out her brains and put her body into several pieces. Aimoin li. 4. chap. 1. In diuersum iter equis quatuor concitatis lacerum in quoque corpus, qua inhaeserunt vinculis membra differri, Liu. lib. 1. Citis in diuersa quatuor equis differri ac raptari. Virgil. lib. 8. AEneid. is the first who spoke well of Queen Brunehaut. Modern Historians claim that the ancients spoke ill of her only because they were monks, and because she had done nothing for them. But this is a jest; and although Voltaire has said that she was nearly 80 years old, when she is supposed to have been put to death, and that at that age a woman has no hair left; from which he concludes that this fact is false: despite these reasons, I have thought it best to follow the common opinion, which has her dragged by a horse, to whose tail she was attached; without troubling myself whether it was by the feet, by the hands or by the hair. (back to text)

(11) (Note 11 does not exist)

(12) Diogenes Laertius says that Chrysippus seeing an ass eating with hearty appetite a dish of figs, had wine brought in a pail, so that it should not eat without drinking. The ass having drunk five or six pints in two draughts, Chrysippus took such delight in it, that he died of laughing: it was a cheap way to die. (back to text)

(13) It is said that the ass is subject to the mange, but M.Buffon assures us that this is very rare. (back to text)

(14) She-ass's milk is a proven and specific remedy for certain ailments. The use of this remedy has been preserved from the Greeks down to us. To have it of good quality, one must choose a she-ass that is young, healthy, well-fleshed; that has foaled but a short time since, and has not been covered since. One must take from her the foal she is suckling, keep her clean, and feed her well, with oats, barley and herbs whose wholesome qualities may act upon the illness: one must take care to let the milk cool, and even to keep it from the air; it would spoil in a short time. (back to text)

(15) One may see on this subject, Suetonius in Otho ch.12. Martial Bk.10. ch.86. Juvenal Satire 6. Pliny Hist. Bk.11.ch.41. bk.28ch.12. These Authors, whom one must not, however, always believe on their word, tell us that Poppaea was often accompanied by 500 she-asses, from which milk was drawn to make a bath. What is more credible is that they say the effeminate and delicate Romans rubbed their faces and skin with bread soaked in she-ass's milk; whether to whiten their complexion, or to keep their beard from growing. They made themselves a mask of this bread at evening, and did not remove it until the morrow: it appears that the fine gentlemen of Rome were no better than those of Babylon. (back to text)

(16) Albert, Albert the Great, asserts most firmly, that one would never see the end of the soles of shoes made from the parts of the ass's hide hardened by the burdens it carries. For my part, I assure you that there is more than one Scholar who has said foolish things, not counting those who have done them.
as regards the flesh ... See Orosius, bk.7.ch.37. and Aulus Gellius, bk.7ch.15. The most sought-after meats were the peacocks of the Isle of Samos, the pheasants of Phrygia, the cranes of the Isle of Melos, the kids of Ambracia, the young tunas of Chalcedon, the lampreys of Tartessus or Tarifa, the ass-foals of Pessinus, the oysters of Tarentum, etc. (back to text)

(17) (Note 17 does not exist)

(18) This feast of the ass was celebrated at Cambrai, at Autun, at Rouen, etc. The Subdeacon of the Office in certain places, accompanied by the choir-boys, after having decked the back of an ass with a great cope, would go to receive it at the door of the Church, singing an Antiphon one of whose verses is rather droll. Here it is:

Aurum de Arabiâ,

Thus & mirrham de Sabâ,

Tulit in Ecclesiâ

Virtus asinaria.

That is to say, according to M. de Sainte Foix, that asinine virtue has enriched the Clergy; one might tell him that his translation is not faithful; that in the Latin it is the Church, and not the Clergy: but one must not quibble over words. (back to text)

(19) The Jews have been suspected of worshipping the head of an ass; as is easy to be convinced by the testimony of Josephus, bk. 2, Against Apion, of Petronius, of Tacitus, of Plutarch and of Democritus, cited by Suidas. Tertullian tells us that the same suspicions were entertained about the first Christians, who were doubtless confounded with the Jews.

  Several Scholars have exerted themselves greatly to discover the origin and cause of these suspicions. Some have laid it upon the Gnostics, who said that Zachariah had been murdered for having revealed that he had seen an ass's head in the Holy of Holies; others have claimed that this arose from an ambiguity, and that the urn in which was kept the manna of the desert had been mistaken for an ass's head. There are, finally, those who have believed that there really were ass's heads in the Temple. Justifying pieces have been produced on both sides in support of their opinion; & adhuc sub Judice lis est. (back to text)

(20) See on this subject the fable of la Fontaine, entitled: The Heifer, the Goat and the Sheep in Company, with the Lion; it confirms what I am advancing. The one entitled, The Lion's Court, is also proof of it. (back to text)

(21) (Note 21 does not exist)

(22) this is the subject of a fable of la Fontaine; it is entitled: The Fox, the Monkey & the Animals. Here are the last two lines:

He was deposed; and all agreed,

That to few men indeed, does the Diadem befit. (back to text)

Information about this page:

In order to respect the old book, I preferred to distribute it by rewriting it character by character and preserving the original spelling, punctuation and grammar, rather than scanning or photographing it. I have embellished it with links to the cooperative encyclopedia Wikipedia.

Put online on 7 November 2006.

Proofread, links updated and formatting revised on 29 December 2021.

Page author: Philippe LALANNE

Le Salon des jeux - Académie des jeux oubliés