Ned: "You should see the feast they're preparing for you tonight! You're eating pasta."

Lois: (Looking at a book as she eats pasta) "How do you tell a salad fork from a fish fork?"

Ned: "I never gave it much thought."

Lois :" Some of that stuff you probably just gotta learn by osmosis."

Ned: "What stuff? What are you reading? 'How To Act Like You've Been Rich All Your Life'?"

Lois: 'Mmhmm."

Ned: "Oh, Lois, this is so unimportant."

Lois: "Yeah if you know that you're supposed to turn down the corner of your calling card if you leave that card in person."

Ned: "Calling cards? No one uses calling cards anymore!"

Lois: "Uh-huh, but you knew that they existed, right? See it's all part of your sub-conscience."

Ned: "So what?"

Lois: "So it isn't part of mine."

Ned: "Lois, these arcane social rituals are not what it's about. Now you're ruining your appetite." (He takes the bowl of pasta away).

Lois: "Yeah but if they're serving martinis tonight, I don't wanna pass out cold on account of an empty stomach."

Ned: "Martinis? You don't even drink martinis! Now just hold on, besides there'll be hors d'oeuvres."

Lois: "Yeah but it says right here that they serve martinis."

Ned: "Lois." (He throws the book over his shoulder)

Lois: "Hey!"

Ned: "Since when did you care about this superficial nonsense, huh?"

Lois: "Well it's one thing to ignore superficial nonsense when you know of it especially when you're about to be part of it."

Ned: "You didn't marry my family, you married me."

Lois: "Ah and you're a Quartermaine."

Ned: "Now so are you."

Lois: "No, only technically."

Ned:  "In every way."

Lois:  "No..."

Ned: "In every way- and tonight that will be formally acknowledged."

Lois: "Yeah but don't you see? That's what’s making my stomach do all those flip-flops. I'm like the comedy relief down here in the gatehouse."

Ned: "Don't talk about my wife that way."

Lois: "Don't you see? In their eyes I'm like somebody from another planet. Try to imagine the Queen of Klingons at the dinner table tonight. I'm going to need more pasta (she starts eating pasta again)

Ned: "I’m not worried whether my family can learn to love and appreciate you because they already do. I'm more worried about you accepting them up close in person."

Lois: "Alright, level with me. Has your grandfather ever suggested I wouldn't cut it as a Q?"

Ned: "No."

Lois :  "You swore you would never lie to me again!"

Ned:  "He didn't use those exact words."

Lois:  "Aha!"

Ned: "Lois, we're talking about a man who has trouble relating to his own daughter. I also happen to know he truly respects you and why wouldn't he? You're smart, you're beautiful, you're incredible with numbers, you're generous, you're honest, you're brave-"

Lois: "Oh alright-enough already."

Ned: "And as for the others-AJ would probably like to marry you himself, Jason doesn't have a pretentious bone in his body, Monica and Alan will consider you an ally, believe me and grandmother is devoted to you."

Lois: "Annabelle loves me."

Ned: "And I adore you."

Lois: "And Reggie's sweet."

Ned: "There you go, how bad can it be? Let's do it."

Lois: "But you know, if I do anything embarrassing at all during the night, give me a sign or something ok? Like this, 'kay?" (She scratches her nose)

Ned: "Like this?" (He scratches his nose)

Lois: 'Yeah like that."

Ned: "OK, I got it."

Lois: "OK. Well we better go before I completely chicken out." (She picks up a bunch of t-shirts)

Ned: "Wait, wait, wait! What are you doing with the t-shirts?"

Lois: "Well, they're presents for your family."

Ned: "Oh no!"

Lois: "Hey half of the population of New York state would kill for one of these and almost has!"

Ned: "You know what Lois? Let's not bring Eddie Maine into the mix tonight."

Lois: "Hey! Love me, love my Eddie!"