Rhayna's Rants... (or something like that....)

*THIS PAGE IS STILL UNDER CONSTRUCTION... FIGURATIVELY AND LITERALLY*

It has come to my attention that there are many stupid things going on in the world of Rock n' Roll. Okay, that's not really the big news. That's not a big secret. The news is that since I am in a position to be an ambassador of awe-inspiring musical tastes, I figured it was my duty to find these confusing or just plain dumb things going on, point them out (ie: give a warning) and if possible, do my part to remedy the problem. In some cases, I might be able to clarify things such as, "what is buttrock?" and "Which buttrock bands are still together and making music?" In other cases, I will just need to vent about something so preposterous and vile that well, I'm sure you'll all agree with me and then we'll all feel victimized by the same dimwitted emotional larceny and trickery that is plaguing the rock world--together. :-)

To get this page started off right, I thought I would insert my response to a friend's query about how to classify a band as a "buttrock" band. Remember, this was only a quick response... check back for revisions to this dissertation.

~ Rhayna, The Mistress of Rock

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March 13, 2001

The Mistress' Question of the day:

Y'know, I've been thinking about this whole butt rock thing. Now, most butt rock is pretty blatant -- Poison, for example, no doubt there (except maybe the drummer's sexual orientation, but that's a whole 'nother issue). But some bands, well, I'm just not sure. Night Ranger -- butt rock? Dokken -- I'm leaning toward no, but it's hard to say. Is there a butt rock litmus test? How can I be sure that what I'm listening to is REAL butt rock, and not artificially flavored or partially hydrogenated? How come the FDA hasn't stepped in to protect consumers? Do we need that long-awaited Standards in Butt Rock Labeling Act?

-Anonymous

Dear Anonymous -

Let me put you at ease by explaining the mystery of BUTTROCK and how to determine if a band is indeed of the Buttrock variety or nay. To be officially considered in the Buttrock category at all, from 1%-100% buttrockorama, at least THREE of following elements must be present:

Big hair or excessive use of bandanas or funny hats
Spandex, in any shape or form, at any time during their career.
Flashy clothes: leather pants, jackets (especially with fringe), tricked out cowboy boots, any article of clothing that should be worn by a woman (but looks soooo cool when a dude wears it), and the like....
The psuedo flashy clothes: ripped up Levis', tank tops that used to be t-shirts, etc.
Make-up: once again, any type, at any time in their career. (Yes, KISS qualifies dammit!!!!)
A rather large number of their songs are about girls, sex, partying, or all three at the same time.
Two words: Power f*cking Ballad
(if it was a slow song that made chics wanna have sex, it was a power ballad...)
The band's songs and albums were popular on mainstream top 40 stations during their most popular years.
The band does not have to be a multi-platinum selling band, but typically, the first record outsells the follow-ups.... (not always.....)
The band itself has a reputation for going through unusually large amounts of alcohol, drugs, women, or all three--sometimes at the same time.
One or more members of the band has been in rehab for SOMETHING, after their "glory days," and is now back, "better than ever!" (better part can apply to person or entire band...)
Today, the band gets made fun of at Metal-Sludge.com , or on any other medium) for being... (drum roll please) buttrockers.

The more of these elements present in the band, the more "buttrocking" the band is.

Unfortunately, I have to run, but this topic has intrigued me so much that I think I am going to officially create "the buttrock meter" and publish it on my website. (aaahhhh... and lookie where this is now?) TAKE THAT METAL SLUDGE!!!! :-) (I actually adore the Metal Sludge website... go check it out to see what I'm talkin' about!!!)

Until a little later....

Rhayna :-)

Got something you want to rant about? Confused about the terms being attached to rock music today (like the above)? Send Rhayna an email with your questions or rants and she'll be happy to address them online or on her radio show!!!

*The opinions expressed here are OPINIONS. If your opinions differ from that of Rhayna or the anonymous question posts, that's good for you. This is just for FUN, so please, no nasty emails bitching about why I'm wrong and you're right... unless you too are "only having fun" and are willing to have your OPINION posted on the site!!! :-)

This page last updated on: Friday, August 17, 2001 02:20 PM

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