One of the stages that is common in most recovery programs is that of going and having another look at your childhood. This is not just trying to look at things through your adult eyes, but also revisiting how it was for you as a child. This should include how life was for you in general before the abuse, as well as during or after. This is one of those areas where a good therapist proficient with survivors is a godsend. If you can get hold of any photographs of yourself at that age then do so, as it will help you to recall things better from a child's point of view.
At first you may think that all you have to do is understand things from an adult viewpoint, but if you are to get rid of self blame and guilt, it is important that you also understand how the circumstance's were for you as a child, from a child's viewpoint.
It will be one of the hardest to at first. For some, to think as a child was to risk danger, even so, it was a thing that has to be done, and it may be painful, but rewarding in the end. When you looked at how life was around the time the abuse started, you may feel a deep loss. The reality of it was that, putting aside the abuse for a moment, life was far from pleasant, and you may have felt unloved, unwanted and ignored. You have nothing to blame youeself about. Always remember that you were the child and in no way are you at fault for the actions of others.
Another reason that it can be very important to have a look back at your childhood years is that, when a child is abused, the child part of us is left deserted and in extreme mental anguish . As an adult we need to try to get in touch with this part of ourselves, to reassure and start to heal that lost part of us. All of us, abused or not abused, have an " inner child " and if that part of us remains in torment then the adult part of us will suffer and be in torment also.
The child part of you will be the part that blames themselves for their fear, isolation, shyness, unhappiness and confusion. Adults told you that the abuse was your fault, and adults don't lie, as far as a child see's things. However, nothing could a further from the truth. The fact is that you are older now and that just goes to show that even as a child, you were strong, clever and resourceful, as despite the abuse you survived into adulthood. And yes that does include you. It is these same strengths that I am sure will help you along the road to recovery.
There are several ways to help you get in touch with your inner child. Photographs can be a big help, both ones before the abuse and those afterwards so that you can see the difference. Play games that you did as a child, painting, revisiting some of the place's you played as a child, though possibly avoiding the places that abuse took place.
As you go through your recovery, letter writing to the child within will also help. Tell him/her how brave s/he is, how much you love him, how s/he did not deserve the abuse and it was not his fault, how much his/her abusers are bastards. As you proceed it will become easier. As a child, you did not understand that it was the abusers fault, or much about abuse, other than you may of felt something was wrong. As a child you had the right to be loved, cared for and be protected, in a non-abuseful way. It was wrong that you were abused, wrong that you had to keep it a secret, but as you get to know your inner child, s/he will have you to help him/her and protect them. As an adult you can read, learn and then reassure your child within.
Before you start to work through how bad things were for you as a child, I think that you will find it helpful later if you write, or make notes, about any really happy, or funny, memories that you can recall from your childhood. Doing so will later help to maintain a balance to your past, and help you in your recovery from the abuse.
