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Being a victim of child abuse I developed a couple of disorders and this is why I decided to study up on abuse and disorders so that I could understand what I was going through and also help others. I have found for myself that dealing with my past abuse issues was very disdurbing and caused alot of confusion. I was able for many years to block away things so that I could function. I was able to attend school as a child, able to hold down a part time job when I was in my teens and as an adult I was able to work full-time. I had relationships that for the most past were not healthy but never really put to much thought into them until I was in my early 30's. It was then that I started wondering why it was that I always met the wrong person, or that I was never happy with anything. My marriage became abusive but at first I felt that I was not good enough for anything but being treated badly. I had 2 children, both in diapers, worked part time and never had help with anything. The abuse at first was something that happened but not often, but then it became apart of my daily life. This is when things from my past started coming back to me. This would happen in nightmares and during the day. I never knew when these memories would hit me but when they did, it was like reliving it all over again. It took a while before I realized that what I was seeing was flashbacks of blocked memories. It got to the point that these flashbacks would come because of a smell, a sound or a situation that I might be in. It was like I was being triggered. I wanted them to stop but no matter what I did nothing made them stop. It was during this time that depression hit me and hit me hard. I didn't want to live any more. My marriage was also to the point that the abuse came daily and this was when the first death threat was made to me. My husband was in a rage when he grabbed me and threw me to the ground. He was sitting on me and there was a look in his eyes that I will never forget. This is when he told me that he was trying to find a way that he could kill me and get away with it. My daughters were 7 & 8 yrs of age and standing there hearing their father say all this. I seen the fear in their eyes, the same fear I had when I was little and I would be hiding in my closet trying not to hear my dad beating my mom. It was then that I realized that in no way would I let my children grow up this way. I had my husband removed from the home and tried to make a fresh start. I thought that this was going to be when I would finally be happy and at peace. I was wrong. In fact this is when things got worse. My past had caught up to me and there was no way I could run from it. Fears of all kinds came in. I couldn't sleep while it was dark. I would lay on the couch where I could see both doors to my house and sit there until daylight came. The only time I would sleep is when my kids were in school. Even then sleep didn't come easily. Nightmares and flashbacks haunted me. It got so bad that I began to abuse myself. During flashbacks I would cut myself, either arms or legs. It got to the point that cutting was a way to let out the pain that filled my soul. I hated everything about me and thought that there was no way that I could raise my children and give them what they deserved. I began to think about who I could give my children to and know that they had a good home. I was at the end and felt that I could not fight anymore. It was at this point that suicide was my only answer to finding the peace that I longed for. The only fear I had was not being with my kids. I started talking to a Pastor that I met on the computer and I opened up to him and told him what my life was like. He would talked to me for hours about coming to the Lord and how my life could be so much better. This is when I thought that maybe if Jesus was in my heart that maybe I could fight a little more. My Pastor friend helped me to come to the Lord and since that day I have never looked back. This was almost 5 yrs ago. Since that day I met my second husband who is also a Christian and who also knows alot about abuse issues and disorders. It took me some time to trust him and to open up to him and let him into my life. He has helped me through so much including the nightmares, flashbacks and cutting. He didn't care about what I did in the past, it didn't matter to him. What mattered is who I was now and how he could help me and be a part of my total healing through Jesus Christ. If you are going through things and feel hopeless please know that there are many people who do understand and who are there to help you heal. Don't try and go through this alone, reach out to someone. |
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