I was deeply upset as was the rest of my family. Then the dotor went on to tell us that my dad would only have 6 months to live. At this point I just wanted to run out of the room, out the hospital and just keep on running. In the weeks that followed it became apparent that Dad wouldn't live for another 6 months. In fact after 1 month he was confined to bed. and during the next month he kept on going down hill. He even became violent and angry, but I realised afterwards that that was the cancer and not my dad. On 29th September 2001 my dad passed away peacefully in his sleep in Hartlepool Hospice.
I actually began blaming myself for dad's cancer due to my falling away from God. I couldn't bring myself to ask for God to heal my dad. Instead I shouted and screamed at God, I started blaming God, and couldn't forgive Him for letting my dad die.
I occasionally attended church after Dad's death, although that was more to do with letting people know I was going to church than me being close to God. I even went to Spring Harvest last year as a steward even though I didn't feel close to God. My internet porn addiction grew worse. I'm just thankful that I had christian friends around me. Because to be honest if it wasn't for them I don't know where or what state I'd be in right now.
Anyway, this past year continued by with me pretending to be the good christian that everyone thought I was whist still downloading pornographic films on the internet and going out each weekend fantasizing about women, swearing my head off and just generally being everything a christian isn't.
It wasn't until a very good friend of mine told me of his life, that I began to weigh up my own, I realised that all those years ago when I professed my faith as a christian was a lie. I only did it because everyone around me in my church life were becoming or already were christians and I felt it was expected of me, so I became a christian under false pretences.
I told this friend of mine that I knew that needed God in my life and that I needed The Lord Jesus Christ as my personal Saviour but that I wasn't ready. I needed to forgive myself before I could let God forgive me. I erased all the porn from my computer, got rid of the pornographic films I had. But I still had a hard time overcoming this aspect of my life, and I believed that God wouldn't accept me this way, so still I couldn't accept Jesus into my life. I was still going along to church although not on a regular basis.
Then one day whilst walking to church, I had my personal CD player on with a praise CD inside and one song in particular seemed to grab hold of my heart, and made me listen to the words. Not just hear them but to actually listen. The words were this :-
"You can have my whole life. You can come and have it all. I don't want ot go my own way now. I love to feel Your presence, and I know Your saving grace. I am nothing when You're second place"
The tears started to stream down my face, and I just stopped in my tracks and cried out in my heart for God to forgive me for everyting I'd done and prayed that He would accept me into His kingdom through my own personal Saviour, His Son. Jesus Christ.
And now I just want to go on in His name and do His will. Don't get me wrong I still have the sexual urges and yes I fail. but who doesn't. nobody on this earth is perfect, but yet we shuld all strive to like Jesus Christ.
I pray that this testimony may help you in your walk with God.
Mike
If there is anyone reading this who doesn't know God and hasn't committed their lives to Him I urge you to pray this prayer.
"Dear Lord, Thank you so much for loving me even when I don't deserve You at all. Lord, come into my life, change me, break me, make me new, make me whole....forgive me. Purify my heart. Help me t stand for you, to shine for you, to make a difference and let your truth be known. Use me Lord, fill me to overflowing with your spirit. I love you so much. In Jesus name, Amen.