..continued

Needless to say, I dwelled in a godless existence longer than each of us would normally linger in our lifetime. "God" just didn't add up to what my mind, my heart and my senses have been telling me. Despite this, I've always thought that I've been a good person. I thought I was selfless enough, in that I wanted to be ready to give help to anyone who might need it. My morals were well-defined, I had a clear sense of what was good and bad, and I lived by it. I pursued my goals relentlessly, but making sure that it's at no one else's expense. All said considering, life was good, I was in command. But in hindsight, I was setting myself for what would, in no time, become my own destruction. I've just been too blinded by my achievements and goals to see just how close to the cliff's edge I already was. Until I fell off. One by one, all the ships in my fleet of aspirations went down in the perfect storm that was 2001. I hit rock bottom quickly, what with all my pride dragging me down like the proverbial ball and chain that it is. Even with this same pride, I just about left myself for dead. Almost wishing that I had someone else to trust in running the course with.

Then I met him. In the most incomprehensible week I have known, He picked me up and clearly instructed my heart that if it would only will itself to open up for Him, then He will fill it up. Friends led me to Jesus, brought me before him just as I am, with all the flaws and self-centeredness I still would never have admitted back then. He changed me. Quicker than I could let my inquisitiveness take over and look at things under a cynical light, he unburdened me. I let go of my earthly attachments to immerse myself in this truth that is suddenly right before me, engulfing, overwhelming me. I felt so much peace and joy at my very first encounter with him that even at that time I KNEW that this was more joy, satisfaction, completeness, contentedness and peace than I could ever earn under my own capabilities. And fill up my heart he did, with an abundance of joy and love purer than I could have ever hoped to define. He revealed to me that his ship can never be unsettled, let alone brought down by anything of this world, and he has always been waiting to have me on board when my heart was already willing enough to see him. It's so clear that all he really requires is that we trust him and believe him, then he will show us his love that's always been there, even when we were too blinded to care.

I've now realized that I can't be on my own. All my cares and burdens I now cast up to him, as under his lordship we are forever unburdened. Jesus is the captain of my ship now. And the sailing's been just beautiful.