| Once there was a woman so useless, so poorly educated, and so incredibly disfigured that she had no real place in society to speak of. She was so desperate for a purpose that Jesus Himself took "personal" interest. He appeared before Jan late one night in her home (that crackhouse they tore down on Second Street a few weeks ago...you know the one). "My child," He spoke with a thundering voice, "thou art destined to lead the weak and mindless with their wallets to Me. You shall rise up from this filth to rule the airwaves." And so, Christ bestowed upon Jan the Magic Jesus Hair. This is no ordinary magic hair, mind you. It is charged with the static power of the Holy Spirit, which makes it stand on end and change colors weekly. Jesus also has a penthouse apartment in the spacious frontal section of Jan's hair, right above her forehead. Unfortunately, He must also share the environment with several large and ill-tempered rodents, but He gets by. Jesus also gave to Jan the ability to cry like a bitch-slapped whore at the slightest provocation, and she makes the best of this by wearing vast quantities of eyeliner, leaving her face streaked with the love of the Lord. Many believe that Jesus gave Jan the power to speak in tongues, but these outbursts are actually just LSD flashbacks induced by the bright studio lighting. It's convincing enough, though. Now Jan hosts her own show called "Praise The Lord" and she is single-handedly saving television from the evils of Godless liberalism. Thank you, Jesus, for blessing our sister Jan with her iridescent afro. We gladly open our wallets to her. |
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| Sister Jan Crouch And The Magic Jesus Hair |
| Jesus was busy one day, touring book stores and making a list of all the texts that inspire free thought and should therefore be burned, when He came across a series of books in the children's section that bore neither His name nor any Christian symbolism on the cover, and the Lord did frown. The books seemed benign at first; a fanciful tale about a young boy oppressed by his parents. Boy, could Jesus ever relate to that. But then Jesus flipped to a random page, and upon it was scrawled the most vile of blasphemy--"witchcraft." Jesus shrieked like a woman and threw the book to the floor in digust. He continued to shriek like a woman for a few moments...and then shrieked some more. All this feminine shrieking roused from the tainted pages of that most Satanic children's fantasy novel, none other than Harry Potter, boy wizard and minion of the Father of Lies. Harry adjusted his glasses while Jesus emitted a few more shrieks. "If you're quite finished," spake the fork tongued consort of Lucifer, "I have an action figure to market and a group of religious right to corrupt." "Not on My watch," said Jesus, in a slightly high pitched but otherwise menacing voice. "I've seen your action figures, and they are no match for my--DISCO JESUS!" With that, Jesus loosed from His robe the holiest of children's playthings--no, not that, you sick freak--a Dancing Disco Jesus. "You expect to defeat my evil genius and clever economic strategy with a flamboyant dancing doll?!" exclaimed the villain. "Feel the wrath of commercialism!" In a cloud of sulphurous smoke, the latest of Harry Potter merchandise appeared before them--Magical Caucasian Humanoid Male Model RS716. The two miniatures circled dramatically, sizing each other up. Disco Jesus had the height advantage with his seven inch platform shoes and three foot afro, but there was no telling what the scrawny RS716 had up his sleeves. "Let us begin!" declared Harry, and he engaged the child-safe nuclear skuds hidden behind RS716's ears. "So be it!" cried Jesus, and a choir of angels wearing tight pants broke into a medley of Bee Gee's tunes. DJ sprung into action, mesmerizing RS716 with His mad dancin' skills. But before He could shove a seven inch platform into RS716's skull, the foul beast lunged and struck DJ with the powerful lasers concealed inside his glasses. DJ fell to the ground in agony, writhing and mimicking His master's girly wails. It seemed His disco dancing days were over, when Jesus appeared before Him, dressed as the Village People cowboy and broke into a heartwrenching rendition of "I Will Survive." DJ was deeply moved by the prancing Messiah's words, and just as RS716 was approaching to deliver the final coup, He pulled a can from His leather pants and blinded His enemy in a cloud of Afrosheen. Then DJ knocked the blasphemous wretch back into the bowels of Hell where he belonged with His mighty John Travolta hip action. "Noooo!" bellowed Harry, falling to his knees in anguish. "I had a three year contract with Mattel for that model!" His despair was soon replaced with fiery rage and he leaped to his feet. "You haven't seen the last of me! I have sequels to make and purple felt wizard hats to sell for extravagant prices! As long as there are children in third world countries to exploit through manual labor and suburban communities stupid enough to buy this crap, evil will thrive! Who needs witchcraft when you can corrupt the world and literature through commercialism?" And with that, the vanquished Harry returned to the Underworld to lick his wounds. So remember, children: witchcraft is bad, reading is Satanic, and tight pants aren't your best bet unless you happen to be a choir boy. Disco lives! |
| Jesus Vs. Harry Potter |