Revelations

The Lord* spoke unto me: "There will be a time when the world will end and all life upon the earth will die. This will be when you have all displeased me or I have gotten bored of watching you all screw up." So the Lord explained unto me what would happen before the end of the world.**

1. There will be a river of blood that sweeps through the land. Scientists have already figured out that this will be from killing those on the hitlist from the Jesus Loves Everyone (Except You) Website.

2. The Plague of Pancakes-- This is due to the fact that everyone is worried that Satan will take over the earth with his syrup of Satan. Since he has no one to focus on killing anymore and bringing into Hell, he must make new converts.

3. The Plague of Harry Potter-- The excess of pancakes will awaken Harry Potter, boy wizard. He is a minion of Satan and will wreak havoc on earth. Not to mention he is a big supporter of canned ham.

4. The Plague of Children-- Children are always a plague. It's just that people will start noticing this more because they will be begging their parents to see the new Harry Potter movie, "Harry Potter and the Spam Shortage."

5. The Plague of Herpes and Genital Warts-- This is due to that great herpes commercial with the Victoria Secret model riding a horse across the beach.

6. The Plague of Happiness-- All of a sudden people will become happy. This is a sign because The Lord abhors anything that is fun.

7. Massive Localized Explosions-- The Earth will begin to spontaneously combust in some areas. These will happen in areas where Harry Potter and Fruit Cups are popular.

8. Plague of Tammy Fae-- Televisions around the world will televise nothing but Tammy Fae Baker and her love of Jesus. This will cause something much worse than the epilepsy that you get from watching those damn Japanese cartoons.

9. Finally, The Plague of the Belgians-- A Hispanic Belgian will take over the world with waffles and the syrup of Satan.

* The Lord posing as a burning shrubbery
**According to our Apocalypse countdown the Apocalypse has already happened. Oh well.