| FAQ |
| Q. I thought God loves everyone? |
| A. Who told you that?? It was obviously Satan. Yes, Satan himself. God doesn't love everyone. He only loves the people who do the things that we say. And the people who make Him lots of money. Oh, and if you don't buy something from the gift shop, you're going to hell. |
| Q. Why does Jesus hate homosexuals? |
| A. Jesus had a rough childhood, you see. He wasn't the brightest crayon in the box. And He certainly wasn't the toughest. In fact, He was kinda girly. Anyway, Joseph never hugged Him enough, and as Jesus grew older, He developed feelings for other men that He couldn't explain. So now Jesus is very insecure and that leads to His mock hatred of homosexuals. Just humor Him. |
| Q. What does it REALLY mean when they sing, "Jesus Loves The Little Children?" |
| A. Jesus' lawyer has advised us not to comment on that subject, pending Jesus' arraignment. |
| Q. What's so special about the Bible? Who needs a book to tell them how to worship? |
| A. The Bible teaches us how to live and exactly what God wants of us. Similar to the Communist Manifesto. Good Christians pay great attention to detail, and that's why they use the Bible for worship. For instance, when taking part in the Annual Rattlesnake Dance Competition, it states plainly in Frank 11:23 that one is to swing the snake clockwise overhead, then drink of the Blessed Strychnine. |
| Q. You have a list of places to find Jesus. Isn't Jesus in our hearts? |
| A. Ummm...no. If Jesus isn't in Hayley's "office" taking advantage of her many "services," He'll usually be in Katie's shoe, which is where she first found Him. Jesus in your heart...what a crock... |
| Q. You have a new book called "Satan's Gold: Curry". Isn't curry a spice? |
| A. How wrong you are. Satan has pulled wool over your eyes. Repent now and save yourself. Remember to buy our guide on how to find Curry Dealers and how to expell them from our environment. |
| Q. I've been extremely depressed for 3 months now, and I have very violent mood swings. I'm a danger to myself and those around me. I have tried to kill myself 4 times. Should I see a professional? |
| A. NO! Psychologists and psychiatrists are SATAN'S people! You don't need to see a professional, you need to get yourself in a confessional. These "mental health" issues you THINK you have are caused by an unclean spirit as a result of your sin. Jesus will solve all your problems, and WE will tell you what Jesus wants. Your only problem is that you're not a good enough Christian, and you haven't sent us enough money. |
| Q. You say that Buddhists and Pagans and other non-Christians are bad people, but I thought Jesus taught not to prejudge or hate others. Now I'm all confused. |
| A. It's never okay to prejudge or hate someone, unless they're not Christian. If they don't worship who and how WE feel is right, then it's perfectly acceptable to hate them and to show your hatred. Surely this will turn them back to God. You're doing them a "favor." |