“Well do I have to fail another mid term or can we do this again sometime?” Pacey asks confidently as he walks Joey to her door.

“Well, we still have a report to write Pacey so I’m pretty sure we’ll be spending a lot of time together.” Joey, not really comprehending the full meaning of Pacey’s request replies nonchalantly.

“That’s not what I meant.”

“Well what did you mean?” Joey asks, never considering the possibility of what was to come.

“Let me put it to you like this.” He answers, pulling her in for a kiss. When she registers what is happening she pushes her hands hard against his chest, breaking the kiss.

“Pacey…what was that for? Why would you do that? Well I guess I know why…but…why would you?” she stammers, still shocked by the ordeal.

“Well if I have to explain myself it clearly didn’t have the desired effect.” He sighs, defeated. “Look, I had a really good time today, one that exceeded my wildest expectations. I was confused and surprised and…attracted. You?”

“Confused and surprised.” She answers.

“But not…?” Pacey can’t mask his disappointment at her response.

“Sorry”

“That’s ok. I can deal with the rejection pretty effortlessly. Just so long as we don’t extend this really awkward moment any longer than we have to.” He says, putting on the brave face, just as he always does.

“Ok…well I had a really good time too today Pace. I’ll see ya.” She says, making a hasty exit.

“Hey Jo?” he stops her before she can enter her small house on the creek. “If by some slim chance you had actually kissed me back. You would probably have been thinking about someone else right?

When Mr Rand told me I’d be working with Joey on our marine biology project, I was ready to jump off a bridge. Now…only 24 hours later, my feelings are very different. Never in my wildest imagination could I ever have fathomed anything even bordering on what I’m feeling now. It’s indescribable…it’s unbelievable…it’s not reciprocal.

Her lips against mine felt like pure heaven and I know I’ve never wanted anything so much, never in my entire existence. But as our lips brushed against one another, the thought still plagued my mind, the one that does even now. She wishes I were Dawson. While I lie awake at night thinking about her, she’s probably lying in Dawson’s bed, thinking about him. It’s so painful to imagine that while I dream about touching her and kissing her, she’s dreaming about those things with Dawson, my best friend.

I wanted to open her eyes. I wanted to show her that I could give her something that Dawson never could. I wanted to make her see something in me that she never has. I wanted so badly for her to see me not as Pacey the town screw up, but as Pacey, her friend…who could be more.

God, I honestly don’t know what happened to me. I was fine this morning! It’s like she’s got me under some sort of spell. She entrances me, completely, totally and utterly. I see things in her that have always been there, but I’ve never seen. Hell, I don’t even know if I’m making sense! It would be wrong for me to say that I’m seeing her for the first time. Because that isn’t the truth. I’ve always known she’s beautiful, and this isn’t the first time I’ve found myself dreaming about her but…it’s never been like this.

I wonder what she’s doing right now. I wonder if she’s thinking of me. Nah…she’ll be thinking about Dawson no doubt. And this time I know he’s thinking about her. It’s just like me to make him realise his feelings for her. Pretty soon they’ll be the new Capeside couple and I’ll be to blame. I’ll be to blame because I made him jealous. I made him open his eyes and take a look at the beautiful woman that he calls his friend. How will I be able to face them? How will I be able to watch as he kisses her in the hallways at school? How will I be able stand movie nights when they are cuddling up and I’m alone?

Its moments like these I miss Tamara most. Moments when I doubt myself, moments when I’m lonely. She always helped to ease that pain. Just like Joey did today. I love the way she fights with me, the way she gets under my skin, the way she always has a comeback for whatever barb I can through her way. Just thinking about past arguments can make me laugh.

I’ve spent the better part of my life taunting her, trying to get her attention with my wiseass comments. Probably not the best way to attain a woman’s affections, huh? I remember way back in second grade when I gave her a Valentine’s Day card and pretended it was from Dawson because I knew she’d appreciate it more. She was so happy. She couldn’t wipe the smile from her face. And I felt good, you know? Like I’d done some wonderful thing to make her feel special. The next day she called me a jackass and I realised that it wasn’t me that had made her feel special, but Dawson. I don’t know why I even gave her that stupid card. I’d been talking way too much to Gretchen I guess.

What am I supposed to say to her now? How am I supposed to act around her? I made a complete fool of myself; I can’t believe I actually thought she’d kiss me back. What kind of an idiot am I? This [I]is[/I] Joey Potter we’re talking about after all. She despises me. She wouldn’t come near me with a ten-foot poll. I mean the only reason she even hangs out with me is because I hang out with Dawson. Ughh…there’s that name again. Strange how Dawson’s the reason that I’m even close to Joey yet Dawson’s the thing that’s keeping me from her. Dawson is what she wants. Am I supposed to hate him now? How can I be his friend when things are as they are? God, when did everything become so damn complicated? When did the three stooges who used to climb trees together become this obscure love triangle? When did I lose? When did our friendship even become a competition?

I can’t function like this. I can’t keep going back to this point. The point when I’d do anything to make her mine, but can’t because of him. I have to move on from this. I have to forget her. After all, she is just Joey Potter. She’s just the too tall girl from the wrong side of the creek. Nothing special. Hell, who am I kidding?

In all fairness I suppose I did have a better time then I was expecting. We laughed and talked and he told me that I was fun to be around. Compliments feel so much different when they are from Pacey. Like if anyone else says something nice to me it only means half as much as when it comes from him. He’s for real.

I still feel all wet from our ‘swim’ today and the clothes I put on after are hard to remove as I get myself ready for bed. I can’t help running over everything that’s happened tonight in my head. Pacey kissed me. It sounds so unbelievable and it’s not every day that Joey Potter gets kissed by a boy, let alone Pacey. But it happened and for some strange reason (I’d never admit this to him but…) it felt nice. More than nice infact. Good, sweet and flattering even.

I can’t stop my mind from wandering into what kissing him back might have felt like. In a way I guess I wanted to. I wanted to feel his lips on mine, to see exactly what it was that Ms Jacobs taught him. Is he a good kisser, would he have thought that I was a good kisser had I kissed him back? Probably not. He has so much more experience than I do. Maybe that’s one of the reasons I didn’t kiss him back, because I was scared that he wouldn’t like it. Scared that I would.

Great now I’ve started thinking about this I can’t stop. So much for getting to bed early. Say I did kiss him back, what then? Would he want more? Would he have expected to come in side? Oh my god! I just thought of sex and Pacey in the same sequence. I can’t do that, I have to stop.

Why can’t I stop thinking about this? It’s not like I’m attracted to Pacey. Right? Then why can’t I stop analysing this over and over again? It is driving me insane. It’s just Pacey and just a kiss. You couldn’t even call it a kiss really so what is the big deal? There is no big deal, so I shouldn’t turn it into one. Joey! Just stop thinking about it! Stop thinking about him!

I try to stop but somehow I manage to lapse back into those thoughts.

For the brief second his lips brushed against mine they felt so sweet, so soft. I’ve always thought of Pacey as disgusting but it wasn’t at all, he wasn’t at all. He was gentle and when he leaned into me and put his hand on my back I think I felt a small tingle go up my spine.

What will it be like now between us? I can only think of two possible scenarios for what’s to come tomorrow when we see each other. Either it will be awkward and uncomfortable in which the constant jabs at each other and banter will cease which I definitely don’t want or we’ll both pretend like nothing happened. Their were no snails, was no nude scenes and absolutely no laughing, talking and kissing. The last I think most likely. Today will just be filed away under “CONFIDENTIAL: DO NOT READ”, the entire scenario will disappear in to the mammoth black hole that occasionally emerges in Capeside swallowing up mistakes like this one.

Yup, that’s right…it never happened. Pacey never attempted the world’s first (and stupidest) snail threesome, we never went searching for more snails, never lost the boat or froze in the icy cold creek let alone stripping and jumping into the car together half naked. There was no laughing at his inane, pitiful jokes or attempts to impress me, no talking in an unlike ‘ice queen versus jail bait’ manner and there was positively no kiss. No feeling like I maybe, sort of wanted to kiss back and no thinking about it.

Pacey is an unattractive, brainless, dim witted, sex crazed, idle slob and I refuse to ponder about him any further. It’s Dawson I want, not Pacey. Dawson…that’s funny. That’s the first time I’ve thought about him all day.