~Song ‘Even Angels Fall’ By Jessica Riddle
“I thought you of all people would understand someone falling for Joey Potter.” ~Pacey, Show Me Love.
That night at Aunt Gwen’s was possibly the most amazing night of my life Joey. Never, in my wildest dreams did I ever actually believe you would want me, and then you kissed me, you kept me from walking away and my world was beautiful. I had all the hope that I’d had that day on the side of the road. I had so much faith…faith in us.
I don’t think I ever really wanted it to end. I, unbeknownst to you, was perfectly content with keeping our secret; because I knew what would ensue after it was secret no longer. I knew you’d steal that hope and that happiness away from me…all because of him. One moment I’m living a dream and the next minute you’ve snatched it away from me with merely a few words and a tear.
When I named my boat, I thought I was naming it after Andie. But what I realised was, the year I spent creating True Love, my boat, we were making our own true love. A love that’s broken me, far beyond what Andie ever did, far beyond repair. People often wonder how love can turn to hate so quickly…but I don’t hate you Joey. I just hate what you’ve done to me. What you’ve reduced me to. I’m a shell of my former self…and all I feel is love…and pain.
Once I was Pacey Witter, class clown, town screw up, your sparring partner and banter buddy. Now I have no idea who I am, or where I stand. Things were so much simpler when I could toss a barb at you and walk away. Walking away is becoming so hard for me now Joey, so hard. I’m lost and the only thing I know is my love for you.
That one week…the one ‘embarrassing grope fest’ as you put it, was amazing. I felt so free, so indestructible. Everything was easy then. We’d spend hours upon hours together, kissing, talking, exploring. Somewhere in the back of my mind I knew it was wrong, but it just felt so right…we felt so right. My being with you was right and it was easy. It was so easy to fall in love with you…but I fear it won’t be so simple to fall out of love with you. I don’t know if I ever will.
“How could you do that? How could you take some simple declaration of friendship as an invitation to just maul me Pacey?…
“Do have an idea of the monumental implications of that meaningless little impulse? The ripple effect that it could create on our small but fragile universe?…
“Dawson! He factors into this little hormonal meltdown!”
If you could have any idea how it felt to hear you say those things…and the many things preceding and subsequent to said event, I wonder if you’d feel differently. My heart has broken a thousand times over and will continue to break I know. Soon there’ll be nothing left.
There are moments when I forget the pain; I forget everything that’s happened. Like when I wake in the middle of the night from a nightmare and I jump in my car and drive towards the B&B so that I could share it with you…like I used to do. Then it hits me, and all the memories and love and pain and hate flow wildly through my veins like the sea, and all I want to do is run away from it all.
I’m in the very middle of my wild contemplation on the docks when I see your approaching form. After the day we’ve had, with the stupid boat race, I’m surprised to see you, and even before you speak, I know what you’re going to say. You’re going to tell me that you’re sorry and that it can’t be changed…that things are meant to be this way. But I don’t agree. I never have. Maybe that’s why l love you so much, because we represent two entirely different ideas. Maybe that’s why you’ve broken my heart. Maybe my love has also lead to our demise.
“Pacey,” you begin. I can’t bring myself to look at you; it’s just too hard right now. It’s hard enough hearing your voice. “I’ve thought about it and I don’t want you to renew the lease on the wall.” You tell me.
“Why not?” I mumble, still refusing to make eye contact. You sit down beside me and look down at ‘True Love’.
“Where’s the sign?” you ask, confused.
“I asked you a question first.” I respond. Andie put the sign on the floor in the cabin, but I’m still not sure if I want to reattach it, not yet anyway.
“I don’t want you to renew the lease because I know how expensive it is and I just…”
“Don’t worry bout the money Jo.” I tell you, looking at you for the first time. You must’ve come straight over here after our talk, I surmise, because you’re still wearing those cute overalls that you wear to paint.
“I do worry about it Pacey because I can’t paint. I don’t have any…any…”
“Inspiration?”
“So umm…where is the sign?” You try to change the conversation to a lighter topic. But my answer is hardly lighter.
“I don’t think I’m gonna be using it anymore. I’m not sure whether I still even believe in True Love.”
“You’re giving up on True Love?” you ask solemnly. I nod.
“Haven’t you?”
“No!” “No? You haven’t given up? Well…?”
“Well what?”
“What are you going to do about it? What are you going to do to help me believe again? What are you going to do to stop me from giving up?”
Just moments ago I was in despair and now with your lips on mine, your arms around me, I’m elated. I’m back in heaven. I’ve been doing cycles for sometime now. I’ve been in heaven one moment and in hell the next. Spinning around.
It’s a terrible thing how dependent my emotions are on you. With one word or one kiss, you can change me. You are in complete control and that scares the hell out of me, but at the same time, it’s what makes me know this is real. Jen once told me my pain was what made me know that my feeling’s for you were no longer pretend, and at this moment, I know exactly what she meant.
In those romantic books that you read and that I’ve snuck peaks at, everything always ends happily. Should this be such a story, I know this moment would be the end. But this is real, and when I break the kiss my fairytale ends, because you’re crying. I’ve never been able to stand seeing you cry and this is hardly an exception, and the knowledge that it was me that put those tears there, tears me up in side. I gently wipe away your tears with my thumb and you take my hand in yours and place a kiss on my fingertips.
“I know doing this is wrong but Pacey…it feels so right.”
“I know.” I agree, revelling in the sensations that your hand on mine causes to run through my entire body. You’ve always been able to do that. You’ve always been able to make me go wild with just the slightest touch.
Everything you do and say manipulates my entire being. Here we are, embracing and I’m hopelessly lost in you, while I should still be angry for your breaking it off with me because of Dawson. It’s true that I could never stay angry at you…never.
You once admitted to me that the secrecy of our relationship made it somewhat exciting. It meant that what we shared was something just between the two of us, something that only we could know and treasure and no one else was apart of it. But that was never the truth. He was always apart of it, always…whether we wanted to admit it to ourselves or not. What you said that day on the side of the road was right, Dawson did factor into it, he always did and probably always will. Hell, if it weren’t for him asking me to look out for you this year, we wouldn’t even be here now. That’s kind of ironic don’t you think? What pushed us together is what’s tearing us apart.
No matter what we’re feeling, no matter the trepidations, we do have something good here. And despite all the heartache, I am enjoying the ride, and looking into your beautiful eyes now, I know you are too.
“Joey…Will told me that True Love always wins in the end. Do you think it will this time?”
“It has to. Eventually the world will give in and the fights will end and we’ll be together. We can win Pacey, we just have to keep on trying…even if that means being apart for a while…it won’t be forever.” I smile at your words and bring you in for another kiss…possibly our last for some time to come.