It’s all I can see. No matter how hard I try, I cannot shake the image from my head. I thought I was over this, ‘thought’ being the operative word. No matter where I go in life, no matter how happy I become, she’s always there. She’s always haunting me. And now there’s a sinister overtone to it all.

There she was, right in the crowded restaurant with him. Not that I know who he is, but if I did, let me tell you, I wouldn’t like him very much. He held her close to him and whispered in her ear. She giggled nonchalantly about whatever it was and gently kissed him on the lips before he deepened it. I was in the middle of making a Caesar salad and all I could see was them. All I could feel was pain.

I had to get out of there as fast as possible. I just had to. I stumbled out of that restaurant as fast as my legs could carry me. I just couldn’t bear to see her with him. I couldn’t stand watching my Joey Potter with another man.

It’s been over 6 months, 6 months! I’ve been sailing, I’ve really lived and I’ve never been happier. I docked in Boston quite a while ago and have had a job at the restaurant ever since. It never even occurred to me that I might bump into her. And I hadn’t even heard her name until his shouts that evening.

“Joey!” he’d called from the door, obviously excited to see her. Hearing that name for the first time for so long, I couldn’t help but look up. And there she was. So all evening I watched…that is until I left. Now here I am walking down the deserted sidewalk in the rain, just wanting to disappear.

“Pacey?” someone’s shouts break me out of my reverie. I turn around expecting to see a more than pissed Karen but instead I am face to face with her. Joey’s beautiful eyes gaze into mine, asking them so many unspeakable questions.

“Hi Jo.” I manage to utter.

“I didn’t know you were in Boston!” she exclaims, clearly happy to see me.

“It’s my current place of residence actually.” I manage to grin.

“Well, it’s such a surprise to see you…a good surprise.”

“You too.”

“Umm...I can’t talk I’ve got someone waiting for me, but I was just wondering what you were doing for Christmas.”

“Not much actually.” I reply.

“Good, coz we’re all getting together at the B&B over the break. Kind of like a reunion thing. I didn’t know how to contact you to invite you but now…”

“I don’t think so Jo.” I say.

“Why not? You said yourself you had nothing planned.”

“Yeah, but…”

“But what? Please come Pace.” How can I say no to her? I’ve never been able to say no to her.

“Alright.” I answer. We part our separate ways and I contemplate what the next few weeks will bring.

I packed my bags and got on the early morning bus to Capeside. I still can’t believe I’m going through with it. After all this time, I’m going back to Capeside to see my old high school friends…to see Joey.

I arrive in Capeside at nightfall and look around for a place to stay. Doug is out of town, so I can’t stay with him. Staying with my parents is just out of the question for obvious reasons, so I take my rental car around Capeside looking for a hotel vacancy. Everywhere I go the response is the same.

“It’s Christmas, we’re booked. Try the B&B.” eventually the B&B becomes my only option.

When I arrive at the B&B, I notice Joey’s car is parked outside. I only hope that she doesn’t have mystery man with her. I ring the doorbell and wait anxiously for an answer.

Joey opens the door clad in jeans and a t-shirt that only goes to make me remember how beautiful she can look in the simplest of things.

“Hey Potter.” I somehow manage to mumble.

“Pacey! I’m glad you’re here.” She says.

“I hope you have a vacancy coz every other place in Capeside appears to be booked.” I say as I make my way into the house.

“We have one spare, so you’re lucky.” She replies, taking out a pen and writing my name down on the booking list.

“Tell me what number and I’ll head up.” I tell her.

“Number 13.” She answers.

That can’t be good.

It isn’t long before everyone arrives at the B&B. I can hear them all come in from my room and I really wish I couldn’t. Joey tentatively reveals to all of my presence and while Andie is over joyed, the rest are far from it. After they all quieten down, Joey jogs upstairs to get me for dinner. I reluctantly wander down the stairs, nervous about seeing everyone after so long. When I finally get down the stairs, I am greeted (surprisingly) with open arms. Even Dawson is happy to see me and I have to say, in the moment that he hugged me, I felt bad for ever leaving these friends. They really did care about me.

“Let’s all sit around the table and we can eat.” Joey suggests, and we all follow her instructions. We all eat our dinner and engage in friendly conversation until Dawson drags us all down to the tree to give us all our gifts. Of course none of the rest of us had gotten anyone anything, but Dawson said he knew that would be the case and that these were only small.

He hands our wrapped gifts to each of us and we all unwrap them in unison. I gasp when I see what it is. It’s a framed photo of Joey, Dawson and I when we were kids. It’s absolutely beautiful and I thank him profusely. He gives the others similar things and we are all so grateful and it reminds us all of our pasts. We all did have some history! It’s amazing we all made it through. But we have, and it all brings us to this moment now.

Everyone excuses themselves to bed just before midnight and Joey and I watch the clock as it strikes midnight, and brings us to Christmas day. The fire is blazing before us and all I can do is remember that night so long ago when I sat up all night and watched her sleep.

“I missed you Jo.” I say out of nowhere, catching her off guard. She blushes ever so slightly.

“I’ve missed you too Pacey.” She replies in a soft whisper, as though she’s scared to say it.

“You know I’ve been meaning to get in touch with you. I really have.” I try to assure her. She nods, and I know she doesn’t believe me. “I’m here now aren’t I?”

“Yes you are.” She answers.

“Who was that guy?” I ask hesitantly, throwing even more ammunition into the fire.

“What guy?”

“The guy you were with that day at the restaurant.”

“Oh, um…he’s a friend I met at Worthington.” She answers.

“A friend, huh?” she nods, knowing exactly what I’m getting at. “Do you usually do that with your friends?”

“Look, Pacey, I am glad you’re here and all, but you really don’t have any right to pry into my life right now. You’ve been gone for so long, without a word to any of us and for you to just throw this at me…”

“I know, I’m sorry.” I say sheepishly. There is a long overbearing silence between us until I can finally get up the courage to say what I know I came back to Capeside to say. “I’m still in love with you Potter.” She winces as though it’s the hardest thing in the world to hear and it breaks my heart in two. When she fails to reply, I stand up and make my way to the door.

“Where are you going?” she demands.

“Away from here.” I snap back.

“You can’t just say that to me and then leave!”

“Well I can’t exactly say that and wait with false hopes as you ponder a way to tell me I suck.”

“You’re such a coward Pacey!”

“I’m not disputing that.” I say.

“What, you actually expected a warm reply from me after you say that when I haven’t heard a word from you in over 6 months? You hurt me Pacey and as much as I’ve tried, I can’t shake that hurt away.” With that she stands up from her place on the couch and joins me near the door.

“I never expected anything! I just wanted…needed you to know.” I whisper through gritted teeth.

“And you never posed any consideration to what I needed, did you?” she snaps. “Geez Pacey, I’ve made myself a life again, I’ve learned to love again and now you’re going to come back and make me question everything I’ve known for so long.”

“If you don’t care at all about me Joey than why should this revelation cause you to rethink anything?”

“Because I do care Pacey!” she exclaims, as though I should have know it all along. “I never stopped caring.” These words prompt me to do something that I know is wrong, but my gut tells me is right.

“Joey, I’m going to count to ten…”

“Pacey.” She whispers, willing me to stop talking.

“I’m going to count to ten, and then I’m going to kiss you. If you don’t want me to kiss you, well then I guess you’re going to have to stop me.” I slowly but gently pull her into me, and wait for protests that will never come.

“Ten.” Is the last word we both hear before we engage in a long passionate kiss that would make any man fall to his knees. And this time, there is no Aunt Gwen to interrupt.

Waking up in her arms after so long of being apart is pure heaven. She still loves me. After everything I’ve done, she still loves me. And sometime during our passion last night, she told me those very words, and they were the best words I’ve ever heard.

Jen bounds in at eight in the morning to give us both breakfast in bed and she doesn’t even seems surprised to see us in bed together. I watch Joey’s face as she gives her thanks to Jen and I don’t see any sign of regret.

Jen leaves us alone and I turn to Joey, the happiness in her eyes very evident. She gives me a soft kiss before thanking me for the best night of her life. We spend the rest of the morning discussing our future, and for the first time in a long time, the future seems bright.