| Life life doesn't stop when your heart breaks when the bottom of your world drops out life doesn't stop when your baby girl is fighting when a room down the hall from the NICU is home life doesn't stop when damage is done and the extent unknown when you may never hear, "I love you" from your daughter life goes on when you think it won't and so do you |
| Innocence my sweet baby girl sleeping such innocence not deserving of the tragedies that have befallen her not knowing the injustices done to her deserving of everything life has to offer being robbed of the childhood I took for granted |
| Journey a surprise to me early on after meeting charlie no choice at all instantly loved the part of me growing day by day an experience like no other fascinated by the prospect of being called mom read up on everything i could asked questions endlessly scared yet exuberant months turned to weeks and then days a due date came and gone tired eyes sore body an ache across my back into the hospital out the doors in again out the doors frustration mounts doubled over hurting curled in a ball on my couch asked to go in no asked to go in no calls placed packed bags loaded dilated at one pain intensifies family arrives medication given no longer sure of anything faces come and go |
| voices near and far doctor says it's time push push push oh god I am pushing family out in front up and down up and down push push push they see a head never coming out I think never never never not strong I am not strong at all harder I push and there I see my baby I hear Charlie say It's a girl a girl, we have our girl cord cut baby blue not crying why no crying? mom, mom why isn't the baby crying? sometimes babies don't cry mom says I don't believe her babies cry healthy babies cry Charlie's mom is there Charlie is crying I can't move I can't help Charlie I don't want Charlie to cry any more the baby is surrounded by people faces white...can't be good I feel out of it...not in control very tired my doctor comes back to me says not a word---stitches me up I lay there, not knowing, not understanding what has happened not knowing then that I never will telling me she was not breathing at birth not equipped to handle such a situation airlifted to Duluth a wheelchair takes me to see my sweet baby...the windows are full of friends and family. Later they bring her by my room so we can see her before they take her up we let them take her until we can be with her again |