I will die otherwise, it is my only release
from all the pain that I hide from the world. No one knows I wear a mask, a mask of a person who's soul is dying. I have come to terms with the fact that I will never be truly happy again, and that all happiness is temporary.That I will wear my mask for the rest of my life. I am forced to keep my dreams and passions locked away. I dream of running away to a place with no one. To a place where I can be me without judgement, without pain and sadness. People say I'm passionate, what about they don't know, they can see it in my eyes. That there is a fire in my soul. A fire that has yet to be fanned and let burn. That fire will never get to burn. The world has beaten and scorn me. It has left me without love and alone. I hide the tears that I cry from everyone, no one realizes the agony of wanting to die. Wanting to die so badly it consumes your every thought, your every movement. It burns in my soul.
But I am forced to hide it.
Life is something I can do without. It is only a priority that everyone has. Life is just a never ending pain that will only get worse over time. It is a pain that we all must go through. If you're lucky, your pain will end quickly.
Time is fleeting, dreams are dying. My life is getting shorter. I need a relief from the pain. Flesh cuts so easily, wounds heal quickly, too quickly. When will there be time to let them bleed, when will I fall asleep, drifting into a peaceful dream that will never end.
My life is a waste, I shouldn't I am not worth my time here. Would anyone miss me if I died? I have promised to save myself, but that promise is a lie, I can't take the pain anymore. I need to do something about it, my wrist bleed again soon, and it will bleed for all eternity.
I cannot take this anymore, my life is a mess, it is a never ending lie. It is a pain that I just can't take and I need a release soon or I will not be here to deal with it much longer. I will bleed again and I will not be able stop it this time. I will die without knowing a future, I will have only lived in a past of pain and heart ache. A past of never ending hate.
The hunger in my soul consumes me, I long for a release. I long for a time when pain and sadness will leave me. I pray for a time when my hatred will end, when my life will come to its final close. When I can be free from pressure and free from sadness, where I can live in enternal bliss.
Putting my thoughts into words is all I can give this world. I am not some precious comodity that needs to be saved.
Time is all I have and yet it's all I lack. My time here is short and will end as quickly as it started. It will never last. My happiness is a short emotion that will leave and I will as I once was. Alone.
Where do I belong? Not here that's for sure. I need to get away, out, to a place where experiances take over and the mind forgets. A release.
Who am I now? What have I turned into? I don't know anymore. I have lost my sence of who I am. I am more lost then when I began.
- July, 13 2003
Flesh tears so easily. A heart bruised and broken lyes helpess on the ground.
Time moves so slowly. The bruises fade, but the pain stays, hidden, locked away.
I try to run but the nightmares keep haunting me. keeping me up at night
The night haunts me, memories flood my brain.
The pain, the taste of blood, the feel of the cold cement ground, the black bruises form. The pain sharp as I run my fingers over them. The tears slide down my face, my eyes dark as the pain shows through. But will anyone ever see my hurt? Only when they are finally able to look and see the real me.
I know I am not the only one that feels this way. I know I am not alone, that I am loved. But that doesn't change how I feel, the emptiness in my soul, the hole in my heart, the hole that only gets bigger and will never stop.
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