Male Meeting Other Males
The half handshake half hug. The most popular form of greeting is the informal handshake that leads into the one handed semi-hug. Nice and informal, especially useful for greetings of a friend you haven't seen for a while. Also useful for acting lik you're cool with a friend of a friend. If you don't remember a particular guy's name, calmly say, "Hey, what's up dude?" and utilize this greeting.
The firm handshake. This is usually reserved for formal greetings. Use this when meeting your boss, girlfriend's dad, the President...you get my drift.
The secret handshake. Also known as the handshake, shift hand 90 degrees, close fingers, fist up, fist down, fist bump handshake. Most recommended - its cool, informal and it doesn't involve a lot of unnecessary touching. Most commonly used.
What NOT to do
Two handed handshakes. Dude, you only do this for your grandfather or somebody of great respect. Unless I'm your godfather, cut it out.
Two handed hugs. Don't get me wrong--these things are useful: during moments of intense pain, fear or sadness, this is allowed and even encouraged. Hell, everybody needs a good hug in a time of need. But hugging and groping a dude's back because Derek Fisher actually made a jumpshot is NOT allowed. Pats on the butt are not allowed if you're a basketball or baseball player in an intense game that has money or other bets on the line. PRIDE does not count. For all other sports celebrations, refer to the allowable gestures above.
Backside Hugs. No matter what, no guy should be hugging other guys from behind. There's just something inherently wrong about it. Heck, it's probably a sin. Just don't do it. Nuff said.
Touchy High-Fives. You know what I'm talking about - you don't high five with another force. So what you end up with is your hand plopping onto another dude's hand and just stewing in each other's sweat. Once again, let's not let that happen.
Left handed hand shakes. Scout's honor? Please...bite me. All you gay boy scouts, I don't doubt that you're great citizens, but stop with those left-handed handshakes. Just knock it off. It looks retarded and it's not right. If I shook my grandpa's hand with my left hand, I'd probably be caned more worse than Berkeley girls with the Ugly stick. (Yes, "more worse" was a gross error in grammar. Sigh, another blemish on my failing journalistic integrity.)
Next time, we'll examine how to approach girls without being a jerk. (Like I would know...but let's just say giving a big hug to your friend's little sister upon greeting is probably not the best idea. Hahaha...YOU know who you are...)
Girls, feel free to leave some good material on what bothers the bejeezus out of you. (All obscene, fictitious or corny material will be deleted.)
