| Do not say what you mean. Ever. Always be ambiguous. Cry often and tell them it's their fault. Bring things up that were said, done, or thought years, months, or decades ago. Make them apologize for everything. Stash feminine products in their backpacks and in their books as cute reminders that you were thinking of them. Gossip about everything and everyone. Play Alanis Morissette's "You Oughta Know," loud - look at them. Look them in the eye and start laughing. Cry. Get mad at them for everything. Hold grudges. Demand to be e-mailed often. Whine when they don't comply. When complimented, make sure to be paranoid. Take nothing at face value. Be late for everything. Yell if they're late. Go everywhere in groups, especially the bathroom. Do nothing alone. Cry. Make them guess what you want and then get mad when they're wrong. Plan little relationship anniversaries like the monthly anniversary of the time you saw each other in the library for five minutes. Then get mad at them for forgetting. Then cry. Gather many femail friends and dance to "I Will Survive" while they are present. Sing all the words. Sing to them. Sing loud. Correct their grammar. Constantly claim you're fat. Ask them. Then cry, regardless of their answer. Make them wonder. Confusion is a good thing. Cry. Declare that you are not a drama queen. Criticize the way they dress. Criticize the music they listen to. Criticize their hair. Ignore them. When asked, "What's wrong?" tell them that if they don't know, you're not going to tell them. Try to change them. Try to mold them. Try to get them to dance. Pretend you're interested, lead them on, then fake ignorance when confronted. When they screw up, never let them forget it. Blame everything on PMS only after it has been blamed on them. Whenever there is silence ask them, "What are you thinking?" Get mad if they don't notice a haircut. Even if it's only a half inch. Read into everything. Over-analyze everything. Cry. |
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