The Little Black Gothic Book of Suicide

Written by

 Jessamy Toussaint

Dedicated to my very own hero

Andrew Eldritch

And my cat

Gomez

Copyright 2004

Introduction
The Reason
The Method
The Background
The Suicide Note
The Will.
The Funeral
Memorial Services
Petty Revenge
My Favorite Death Stories
Some Online Resources

INTRODUCTION

For those who intend to take this book seriously, we implore you don’t, this is a light hearted look into a favorite hobby of young gothic girlies, who dream of their funeral, much as young women dream about their wedding day. This isn’t meant be taken seriously in any way shape or form, it’s more of a lighthearted look at a very serious subject.

Yes it’s something that has possibly run through everyone’s head at one time or another, but we got over it and bought a cat, thereby ensuing we are now committed to being very much alive and well for the next 15 years or more!

But more to the point what is a Goth?

Real Goths don’t change light bulbs they just move house a lot, actually they never discovered that they were missing a light bulb because they only ever used candles.

Most Goth’s I know have a favorite Suicide story; unfortunately their story/theory had more holes in them than my Wednesday night fishnets. While macabre and bloody corpses are wonderful in horror movies they tend to be aesthetically unappealing to the majority of us.

The importance of leaving a good-looking corpse cannot be underrated by the Goth. How to leave with a bang and not with a whimper is important. There are so many things to think about, the planning and the timing; the execution is of the utmost importance. Many people don’t even know what Gothic is, thinking its some sort of fashion thing young people do! Hello, we have something to say here! This isn’t just a costume I put on at night to dress up and play Halloween you know. The utter lack of disregard the general public (including family members) have for the Gothic subculture is Nearly as annoying as being stuck by the safety pin you used to repair your bra, its way out there.

Some of us just like to be different, we like things that are different to the sweet love and lighters out there, and we’re not all the same. Some of us have “issues”. Big deal, get over it, were no threat to you! It’s not just morbidity; I like being dark and different, it’s so much better than being like everyone else.

So why the little BLACK gothic book of suicide, simply put, why not, surely you have thought about it, we all have, but how many of you have simply had a go, when you were pissed or pissed off and simply botched it, and botched it badly at that. 

These days it’s not even called suicide; there is a politically correct term that replaces the nostalgic old term we have become fondly accustomed to.  These day’s its called “self release” (though in my opinion that sounds an awful lot like masturbation.)

This is a book for all those who want death to be a real part of their lives. The serious gothic knows the importance of presentation!

CHAPTER 1

THE REASON

Obviously you are either terrified of approaching old age, or you have a lover that has betrayed you. Either of these are good reasons to throw in the proverbial towel and end the round, however the trick is to do so with style and grace that would make Oscar Wilde proud.

Love Scorned, how did that happen, when it is obvious to everyone that you were always the ultimate goal, the prize, the catch of the day, you were worthy of his/her love. You would have died for him/her (let’s assume him as I am of course female and its easier pointing out scenarios that are gender specific.) In fact you are going to die for him and he will realize how very wrong he was and grieve for you for all eternity, or that’s the hoped outcome.

You will, from beyond the grave, hear his wailing and gnashing of teeth. He will of course leave that pseudo gothic preppy bitch that has her hooks in him currently because he will realize that it is really you that he loves and he will wander the world restless and ill at ease until at last he joins you in the afterlife.

“Sigh………”

Obviously you need to do some study, Shakespeare is a good beginning, he has that wonderful flair for the dramatic, however do beware of appearing comical, the last thing you want is a hilarious funeral! The straight world considers Shakespeare the greatest playwright, his greatest play is meant to be Hamlet. Hamlet is a cool guy who dresses in black, he discovers that his girlfriend is rocking with someone else and is pregnant to the other man. Obviously although he loves her, he rejects her and sends her to a nunnery (the medieval equalivent of the unwed mothers home) There she kills herself obviously having gone mad at the time. 

His best friend is a clown no less, alas poor Yoric, while escaping the rejection and betrayal of his beloved he of course takes off to the graveyard (don’t we all do this?) to think, where he meets two grave diggers digging up the grave of his best friend Yoric the clown. This freaks him out no end, he can’t return home. His mother killed his dad and is having it off with his uncle (even in the best families). This leads to the great to be or not to be scene where he ponders whether to kill himself and waxes lyrical with such funky lines as “ to suffer the slings and arrows of outrageous fortunes or take arms against a sea of troubles and thus and then to sleep” etc etc……….. Possibly a misquote but absolutely good stuff.

Let us not forget the “star crossed lovers” regardless of the questionable beauty of Leonardo De Caprio who looks like a 14-year-old lesbian in the film. These two teens decide to suicide at 14! You of course want to make as much impact as you can, and Willy the Shake appears to have been there and done that already and you should take notes and study on his methods, he has led us for 500 years.

The other perfectly valid reason for the great deed is of course the fading of your obviously pale and fragile beauty. You are aging, no one else can see this as you are a mere 18 years of age, but you know, you’ve seen yourself under the makeup, in the harsh glare of fluorescent lighting, and you know that you have very little time, and if he hasn’t scorned you yet, he soon will move on to a more fragile and younger beauty.

My partner and I have also discussed the obvious problems, the wretched and loathed disfigurement of an accident or worse a disease that impinges upon our quality of life. These of course are not to be tolerated, the loss of a limb or even worse the disfigurement of the face would lead to assisted suicide, 0r worse still the utter desperation of being a vegetable lying and withering of old age totally unaware of life chortling at you as you lay attached to some insidious machine that breathes for you while they empty your poo bag daily, if they get around to it!

Some reasons for suicide are quite rightly and in my opinion not only morally acceptable, but ethically a must do. It’s not for everyone though!

So having figured out the why let get moving right along and plan the thing properly, there is nothing like being one of millions of drama queens screaming for attention, if your going to do it, for God’s sake do it right!

Take your time, get pen and paper (good quality of course) and write down all the details that you can possibly think you may require. Don’t worry about the expense, its your day, write down every one of your selfish and foolish desires.

Write also a list of things you want to do before you die! This is most important. It would be tragic if you died a virgin for example. Fulfill at least some of your secret desires; the most important thing about dying is that you value the time you have left.

CHAPTER 2

THE METHOD

Obviously this is the first priority! How to do the job right is of the utmost essence. The first thing is to select a method that will ensure a good-looking corpse. Yes I know some of you lads like to go out in a bloody carnage and all that, but simply put what will be left for people to grieve about if you look like something the cat spat up?

The other priority is to die dead. It’s amazing how many people do the old suicide and wake up totally perturbed that they didn’t do a good job. This is simply a case of lack of prior preparation preventing piss poor performance.

There are several thousand variations on the theme but lets list the top ten shall we?

The tenth most favorite method of suicide is CHRONIC SUICIDE: This is the person who is in for the long haul, the chronic abuser, usually substance abuse or alcohol, the pill popper, the nobody loves me, so I may as well be stoned and happy type and eventually something in my body is going to give out. This method while definitely works, often leaves a corpse not only with liver failure, diseases like Hepatitis C - Z and Aids (shared needles), but often has the victim look yellow, gaunt and hollow faced. The cons of this method are that it is long, slow and painful, and usually the victim is treated badly by society, as self-abuse is frowned upon by most law enforcement worldwide (though there are exceptions)

. The societal war on drugs can be nasty when you are the one on the receiving end. Let’s face it; it is hard enough being different because you live an alternate lifestyle, sometimes two alternate lifestyles are hard to balance. Try adding being gay or bisexual if you opt for this method, that way you can be so damn exclusive that on one can emulate you, except for the very rich and famous like Andrew Eldritch, who’s intake was legendary, who’s sexuality was questionable and who pioneered the gothic subculture being known as the Emperor of Goth.

The Ninth is of course Starvation, the anorexic or bulimic who eventually starves their body to nothingness, unable to cope with repairing itself when you continue to not take in sufficient nourishment. (This method seems popular in third world countries and with western teen girls who think they are fat). The main problem is the nasty bag of bones you end up with for burial, the fact that you do need to buy a whole new wardrobe every few months, and the fact that this method is excruciatingly painful! Not for the feint of heart.

The Eighth favorite method of suicide is a time-honored favorite, the use of a cutting or piercing instrument, our friends the slashers. No not the angsty slashing you already indulge in! The trick is to slash down the river, not across the bridge, or it takes you forever to bleed to death. Tips for the novice, a bath of warm/hot water certainly assists in the flow of blood and its continuation. One that I did admire was a youngster who videotaped her death and swam in a heated pool leaving ribbons of blood trails in pretty patterns, she left the water and retired to a bench before her demise, but it had a certain amount of artistic merit. The disadvantage of cutting is often it takes too long, allowing for that change of heart if you chicken out half way. 

Number Seven is of course, the leaper, a person who jumps from high places or from Bridges. Funnily enough people who wear glasses often take them of their faces and fold them neatly with their clothes or put them in their pockets. The obvious problems with leaping are the big bang at the end, and what it does for the esthetics of the corpse. It is painful, resulting in broken bones, and often not instant death once again. What’s left to scrape up of the pavement is often completely unrecognizable and a closed casket is recommended in this instance!

The sixth most popular way is by drowning. The missing Australian Prime Minister, Harold Holt is said to have waded into the sea and simply never come back, His body was never recovered. A pop star in the eighties also weighted his pockets and waded into the water and was discovered many days later. The corpse is bloated and ugly to say the very least. The tissues turn black and swell. Not for the Goth who values a good-looking corpse.

The 5th most popular way to die by choice is in an automobile, a car. There are two favored methods, asphyxiation, that is death by carbon monoxide poisoning, where the person simply goes to sleep and never wakes up/ hopefully (this method takes time, relies on the cars continued running while you are unconscious and also relies on a not too early detection. The second car method is the rather crude running into a sold object with a moving car. There is once again the problem with being severely injured and not dying, as people still wear their seat belts, have cars with airbags, don’t hit quite hard enough, or directly enough and the car takes the impact in its crumple zone and protects the passenger. I would recommend that perhaps the combination of a high place and a high-speed crash would produce the desired effect, but simply put, its messy and quite chancy.

The fourth favored method of suicide is asphyxiation that is gas ovens in particular, a time-honored favorite for the middle aged housewife. There’s simply not much I can say about having your corpse found with your head in a grotty oven your arse hanging out for the entire world to see! One can only hope you have utilized colonic irrigation and fasting beforehand to ensure there are not more disasters awaiting your audience. The corpse goes a nasty colour as it does with most cases of asphyxiation. Oxygen ensures a pretty pink corpse instead of a nasty blackened and purple mottled one. Once again there is the chance of interruption. And of course how do you keep the oven door closed when you pass out? The biggest risk is of making yourself look comical for your flat mates to giggle over.

Firearms and explosives, the third most popular method of suicide, is popular with the lads.  Once again the risks are not doing the job right, it’s amazing how many people shoot themselves in the head, to have the bullet ricochet of the scull and bounce around the room. This loud noise alerts other people to your intentions and attracts all sorts of sideshow gawkers. There are of course the murder suicides who take as many as they can with them, and invite the police to kill them to protect the hostages, but do you really want to be so riddled with bullets that you lead to body ratio is dramatically changed? 

Explosions are much harder to control and much harder to obtain, usually involving complex permits.  The worst scenario is that you will fail to kill yourself and possibly kill or injure someone else, wherein you will be spending a LOT of time snuggled up with BUBBA and Spider and all the boys, be careful when they drop the soap! The next best scenario is doing yourself a nasty such as making yourself a vegetable living on life support all your life, hardly worthwhile even your doting parents will stop visiting you after the first six months because your drooling countenance will be unappetizing before they go visit aunt Myrtle.  

Possibly they will use you as a sex toy, if your lucky, you wouldn’t know, and they will know you want to go potty by the strange expression on your face, but it will probably be too late.  Johnny Ace blew his brains out to ensure his single became a number one hit, to pay for his mother’s life saving operation, hence the term “number one with a bullet”.

Hanging was an oldie but a goodie, is the second most popular method of suicide. Your tongue hangs out of your head and you turn kind blue and black and purple once again. Not ascetically pleasing and often once again unsuccessful unless you leap of something sharply enough to actually break your neck. Even as a method of death penalty it is not favored being something that usually is painful and takes time and on quite a few occasions simply doesn’t work (those proletarians do have rather thick necks). The only giggle in it is that the person who find you usually slips over when you soil yourself after death, hopefully giving themselves a nasty bump on the head to remember you by.

The very favorite method of suicide is: Drum roll please: Poison. Poison is usually by prescription medicine in an overdose, but is popular with illegal drugs too, like Heroin, Speed, and Cocaine and of course you can try almost anything, Draino is another popular favorite. Even Paracetamol taken in enough quantity can kill you, unfortunately the death is horrific, your liver disintegrates and you bleed to death, in agony over several hours. The doctors not seeing the humour of it, often don’t give pain relief because you are dying of an overdose, your going to die anyway, so why do they make you suffer? Lots of famous movie stars like Marilyn Munroe have used this method and have been remembered and revered far beyond what their actual talent would have been remembered for If they had just died by growing old gracefully.

So there is a selection of methods, but don’t feel constrained, there is lots of room for improvisation. Michael Hutchence died from one too many belts (asphyxiation) and choked to death while supposedly having sex! Kurt Cobain blew his brains out. River Phoenix overdosed, which is either intentional see poisoning or a long term suicide see method number ten.

 Either way they are dead, and are remembered long after they would have been ignored because they died in suspicious circumstance, i.e. by their own hand.

Some examples of creative suicide are:

•	Example one, a friend of mine in Auchenflower died from swallowing a bottle of black dye

•	Example two, another friend of mine took an overdose and made certain she would die by putting on the record player auto stack “the chapel bells are ringing” by Nana Maskouri followed by Sister Janet Meade’s “Our Father”! The seventies disco pap sung by a nun from Wollongong insured that she either died or would need serious counseling and suffer irreparable mental scars for life if she survived

•	A third friend of mine swore she went to hell which consisted of terrace houses and looked like Newtown after dark, and while she was eating at hell’s Hari Krishna’s (aren’t we ALL vegetarian) where she ran into Yul Brynner who was up to three packs a day! Though it was an unsuccessful suicide I liked the story so included it anyway ;)

CHAPTER 3

THE BACKGROUND

Once you have selected what method of suicide and why, you can then gather together the necessary props. You’re going to be dead, this is your last day of life, live it up a little. Yes I know the flat mates gave you the rent money in good faith, but seriously, your not going to be here for them to get mad at you, so buy that new dress, the best wine, the candelabra that would look great besides the bed, the burgundy velvet bedspread and drapes, the ostrich quill pen for the suicide note, attention to detail is important.

Start with where you are going to die, we suggest that pills and such, do tend to suggest the bedroom, while a car suicide is better with nice new covers and something meaningful going around and around in the tape player than last weeks empty MacDonald’s wrappers festooning your dead body. Give it the thought it deserves, this is your last day on earth, let it have impact.

We would suggest that you pay attention to your surroundings, The bedroom should be clean, the old clothes thrown away, the clothes you want for burial laid out neatly or hanging conveniently, your attention to detail is important. Pick your shoes and stockings, polish your shoes or brush them if they are suede. Clean up your bedroom floor, polish your furniture and put away any briquollage that makes your room look cluttered. DON’T shove your crap under the bed or in the wardrobe, someone else will be going through them after you are dead. Whatever you do, don’t leave empty food wrappers anywhere.

Once you have ensured the background is correct, and then selected your personal wardrobe for the big event, take out some time for yourself. It’s your last day, you deserve it! Get your hair and nails done last, as they continue growing after you die and you don’t want your blonde roots showing in your glossy black hair. Dark nail polish is best as you then cover all manner of nastiness from death on your fingernails.

Possible things you can do on the day you die:

While planning suicide play side one of “First Last and Always” (the sisters always sound so much better on vinyl don’t you think) have black candles burning, stroke the cat (you do have the obligatory black cat) the drapes are always closed anyway and prepare a pot of herbal tea and lash out and purchase a tailor made packet of cigarettes because your not going to need the money next week anyway and all this to be done before 10 am (yes I know you are never out of your coffin before sundown but you want to beat the flat mates waking up and discovering what you are doing)

Even if you are disturbed by Tim awakening upstairs, you know that his twanging away on his guitar while attempting to create a passable and palatable version of nirvanas “Smells like teen spirit”, there is still no reason to take him with you, although our next book will expound further upon the benefits of serial killing.
Your copy of your complete cool lyrics by Goth bands (Sisters of Mercy or Nick Cave book “The Ass saw the Angel” firmly clutched to your breast)

Play side 2 of “First Last and Always”

Annoying phone call from mother – resist the urge to say “ next week you will be sorry” or I’m going to kill myself, you’d like that wouldn’t you bitch” the truth is that it is tacky. Pop a few valium and agree with her that you will go out with the nice son of her friend who she’s been trying to foist upon you for three years, after all you will be dead by then and perhaps he will be added to the mourners at your funeral.

End phone call with mother and take cat off lap and decide whether to play side one of “First Last and Always” again while making herbal tea or Susie Sioux whilst completing your planning session and cleverly drowning out the awful wailing created by Tim’s guitar playing.

By the time you’ve decided what LP to play and of course sat down with the cat, you’ve had Melody (good grief her parents should be shot) the horror uni student from upstairs head of to Uni after a nutritious breakfast of orange juice, cereal and an egg on toast, and washing up after herself!

Tim’s girlfriend (he is so desperate and I don’t know where he gets these THINGS he goes out with) attempts to read your hand written notes in your dairy about your suicide plan, before bounding upstairs and replacing Tim’s ghastly guitar playing to even more disturbing screams and moans of pleasure from the said troll saying she is “coming, oh god its so big, please oh god” The indignity I suffer!

Obviously its time to grab the cask of wine, parasol, and walk to Newtown Cemetery to do some real thinking and planning, hopefully your favorite tomb will be vacant and you can while away a pleasant hour pondering your choices while completing this book. A portable CD player playing the Sisters of Mercy is appropriate in this situation, as you feel the need for inspiration. Try to time you entrance to the cemetery to “Charlotte Sometimes” on your Discman.

Turn Discman down after “She hangs brightly” by Mazzy Star (I hope you remembered to bring appropriate flute/napkins etc for said cask wine brought from home) spreading your black shawl as a blanket to sit upon (you don’t want to get your clothes dirty it just not acceptable)

Avoid the background of lovers kissing over by the Dunbar memorial and the junkies shooting up by the tombstone of the angel with the broken wing, not to mention the steady but irregular flow of men from the Adelaide arts council, too and from the public lavatories; it interrupts the melancholy reverie seeing so many happy people.

By the time “She hangs brightly” has finished and you have listened to “Standing on a Beach”, the singles its time to grab what’s left of the wine and proceed home to “First Last and Always” playing loudly to drown out the traffic on Kings Street and head home, to retire to your oubliette till late evening when your best thinking is done

Naturally, just as you are about to drift off to slumber, you are rudely interrupted by your ex James, simpering and whimpering and expounding his undying love and his earnest desire for you to try again, as he can’t live without you. There’s a certain grim satisfaction in knowing he will feel guilty about breaking up with you in the first place.

After your phone call has ended, your father fortuitously knocks on your door, handing you a 100 dollar bill which you promptly go and spend on Fluffy Ducks and a packet of St Moritz, after all tonight’s a big night and you have a lot more to organize before the dramatic climax.

At 5.30 watch Daria and Freaky Stories on channel two while sinking a few fluffy ducks.

Think of your own scenario, I am sure you can come up with something original and novel and new, but try to do all the things that you want to do, rather than what you have to do, it’s your big day!

There are a few things you also need to do, for those of us who are fastidious that is, and that is a few days fasting and of course the all important colonic irrigation! The fact is that clean underwear will soon be soiled if you have eaten, and no one wants to be found because of the obnoxious stench coming from his or her room!

Get dressed and tidy yourself up, do your makeup (foundation and water proof mascara/eyeliner please) and light the candelabra. Leave the note on the bedside table and wait for those pills to take effect. Make sure the music is playing and the room is beautiful. Spray some nice perfume or essential oils so that it is peaceful and inviting when people enter. Your work is done, its time for departure.

Exit center stage!

CHAPTER FOUR

THE SUICIDE NOTE

While you may admire your own poetry, and your friends profess to, the truth is that whatever you have to say, someone else has said it before and said it better! It’s time to read some Shakespeare, and take notes, because he is the king of drama, and what’s more dramatic than a suicide?

Not only will you learn something about prose and verse, but also you may well be inspired by his backgrounds and scenario’s of the characters in his plays. You need to make the note well written and more importantly easily read; it’s your final curtain call. Do NOT write the note in blood, yes I know it sounds so terribly romantic, but it tends to clog the nib leaving a nasty blotchy and illegible affair.

You may also experiment with various electronic devices, perhaps a suicide note sent via computer to your parent’s email and your friends online! This could have great creepy dramatic effect if the note is received days or weeks after you have died! They were so busy with their own horrid little lives that they couldn’t take the time out to spend with you when you needed them “sob”.

Cell/Mobile phones and text messages/ answering machines/ the possibilities are endless! You could even record your death and have a live feed on the Internet! (Be very careful with your method or you could be quite the butt of jokes). Mind you any of these things could tip the authorities and/or your parents a little prematurely. But is a great way to go out with a splash!

Don’t make this your last will and testament, we cover that in the next chapter, just a simple note to alert people that this is not simply a misadventure, but a serious suicide, one that has hopefully ended up with a death. It is intended to elicit tears, not confound them with logic. These are no longer your family, your friends, but your mourners and you must prepare them for the grieving process.

It may well begin with a simple note:

To my Beloved Family,

Alas, it has come to pass that you have been alerted to my untimely demise, be not sad, and for I am now free of my earthly bonds and no longer have to endure this daily torture. I assure you all of my eternal love for you all, but some things cannot be endured forever and I can’t live with a broken heart.

It’s not your fault that I was too frail for this world, for you nurtured me as best you could with what little you had. Please don’t mourn because I will in truth never leave you, as you live in my heart and I will live eternally in yours.

I have left notes in my bedside table for you each individually; they are sealed with my blood and my tears as the time draws close to me leaving. I also ask that a few things are done after my passing, and have a letter detailing my bequests and my last wishes.

Love Eternally

Your Daughter/friend

Jessamy

These are the people that are going to send you those delightful lilies that you love so much, while you ride in the hearse (the star of the show!) These are the people who will cry and weep and wail and gnash their teeth at the unfairness of it all. If you’re really lucky you may inspire other silly girls to follow in your footsteps and start a chain of suicides that will continue on through your peer group (though in truth it’s not because of you but because midterms are so horrendous and I can’t say I blame them for opting out of them, I would if I hadn’t thought of avoiding them all together). But your timeliness may give them the gentle push they needed.

CHAPTER 5

THE WILL

Why even bother to have a will? Surely you don’t really care about whom gets what after your dead so why bother at all? They won’t even appreciate your great stuff! Your Mother is always droning on about that goddamn awful music you listen too, and your Dad wants to dress you in a pretty pink party dress with bangs and ribbons!

Simply put, individual notes, and small bequests create a situation where people feel obliged to remember you, because you remembered them. Most Girls envision a big wedding, a long white dress, and the wedding cars/carriage. Most Goths dream about their funeral. You’re not paying for it so why not have a big one! 

So the main reason for a will is to attract mourners, people to cry and weep and to wear black. People to hug each other and say what a wonderful person you were and how they loved you best. People to sit around and talk about this terrible tragedy with one so young and beautiful and smart as yourself, it’s a crime.

Yes I know they bore you, but aesthetically its nice to draw a crowd at your funeral, be appreciated in death as you never were in life, even if it’s a tad contrived and they are intolerable bores who you didn’t like anyway and couldn’t stand to be with. Actually the truth is boredom is still you major problem. If you didn’t have this funeral to arrange and this will to write, there would be nothing at all to get up to.

Wills are pretty easy to write. You can pick up a simple kit at your local post office at a minor cost, or download one online. I prefer the online version, as there’s an incredible ability to wax lyrical and extend your will to include lot of people you have little or no feelings for.

Lets further explore this. Each and every one of your invaluable cd’s can be bequeathed individually! To your ex boyfriend, leave your most poignant cd, a bottle of your perfume and a framed photograph. Your best friend of course gets your diary!

Your little sister gets your favorite dress (not the one your wearing for the funeral of course) but that pretty black one. ( Some idiot said that pink is this seasons new black, I look at her and thought are you completely mad).

Mention people you haven’t seen since pre-school, there is nothing like instilling a little guilt with people who have probably long forgotten you, mind you it’s going to be quite a stretch to remember their names too! Was it Mindy or Mandy, that little girl who always had her fingers up her nose? Who was that boy who pulled your pigtails in grade two?

CHAPTER 6

THE FUNERAL

Obviously you want a religious ceremony that goes without saying, but what type? I know your parents are Protestants but they are so dour and dreary and simply put it’s all about God, there’s no individuality. Now the Catholics know how to put on a nice ritual, lots of statues and icons. It’s somehow oddly satisfying to be Catholic, even if you never go to church. I wonder if suicides still have to be buried outside the cemetery though?

Mind you a Wiccan or Pagan style burial might be funky too, or a last boat ride to Valhalla Nordic style has that certain dramatic flair. Your friends would love a nice occult funeral but then the Catholics do have nice gothic style churches that seem to encapsulate your flair for the dramatic.  Anyways whatever style you feel most comfortable with, by all means it’s your big day.

The ceremony is often preceded by several events. Good Catholics have rosary nights, beside the coffin and of course the obligatory viewing of the body. It heartens the soul to think there is more than one final service and your filed away like last year’s shoes.

Music sets the scene, it creates the ambiance you require, and I suggest that you stick with the classics. Aunt Maude may NOT sing Amazing Grace regardless of her 26 years of service in the local choir. Regardless of what other people tell her, you know she sounds exactly like she has stepped on the cat’s tail and failed to remove her foot.

If in doubt, Beethoven. Speakers outside the church aid in setting the mood prior to people actually entering the service.   The ninth will ensure they are all crying even before they enter, it is so moving. I know it’s not your thing when you listen to music, but we are aiming at the public acceptance, we can at least introduce them to culture, achieving something by your death.

There was that lovely poem from four weddings and a funeral, though it’s been done to death, something of that ilk would be sure to make a moving tribute to your passing.

Of course the reason I keep suggesting a burial rather than a cremation is the service being in a nice gothic style place like a catholic church, and there is a certain something about graveyards that you have always adored. They have such a sense of peace and have been your favorite haunting place in your life, it seems fitting that you are buried rather than scattered in the sea like so many seagull droppings. You never did enjoy the beach, all that sun and sand and odious salty water that they insist you swim in as a small child.

Hearses are your favorite vehicles, implore your mother to stick with the classics, a beautiful black hearse, a white one is just too tragic. You want pallbearers, in tails of course, this is a formal occasion. A nice darkly stained coffin, with intricate silver handles and a nice plaque suitably engraved. This is almost as important as the clothes you choose to wear; you need to present your true self to the world one last time. You are a worthwhile person, indulge yourself this one last time.

The burial plot is important, not too close to the public lavatories please, the thought of parades of gay men shagging in the nearby bushes and defecating on your grave is simply not even worth contemplating. The junkies similarly will be nodding off on your tombstone and leaving their syringes lying around. You can’t be in peace with that constant traffic.

You want a spot where your mourners can lie under a nice cool tree, write poetry and read Oscar Wilde or chortle over the GashlyCrumb Tinies with a bottle of cheap wine in crystal glasses and some stolen cigars. You will probably have a bevy of young women and men who will, like you do on a lazy day, wander the cemetery looking for a nice place to think and philosophize. You may even create an exquisite nook for young lovers, thereby doing a great service to the community in general.

The tombstone should be large, not overstated, something substantial you can lean on and read a book, perhaps with some ivy and nice orchids engraved around your name. A suitable epitaph is necessary, a nice quote perhaps from Shakespeare or Oscar Wilde or some other poet of deep and mystical dimensions.

Perhaps at your feet, some nice little cherubs and perhaps a goddess style statue to the left in front of the headstone to symbolize yourself. Something classical. This would make this a popular place for young lovers. Do tell your mother in no uncertain terms that you require orchids and Lilly’s of the Valley and that her prize petunias are not at all suitable. I’m sure there is a way to state this tactfully though mother has her moments of complete irrationality as we all know!

CHAPTER 7

MEMORIAL SERVICES AND EPITAPHS

I’ve always loved a good epitaph. I have spent hours haunting cemeteries looking for witty, amusing and touching ones. Some of the very best are ones that have been touted tongue in check but never eventuated and some of these have been listed below:

•	“I knew if I stayed around long enough, something like this would happen” George Bernard Shaw
•	“Back to silents” Clark Gable
•	“Pardon me for not getting up” Earnest Hemmingway
•	“Here’s something I want to get off my chest” William Haines
•	“This is just my lot” Fredric March
•	“This is all over my head” Robert Benchley
•	“I told you I was sick” Tom Waits

There is always the chance that your family will relive the event year after year, decade after decade, with memorial services.  This is great; to be remembered is like living on in many ways. You can be constantly in their thoughts as the greatly missed and sad young girl who died so tragically.

So while making your will, be sure to make a request that you have a memorial service every ten years of so. That it would help you feel closer to your friends and family. It’s the very least they can do for you!

While your browsing your poetry and prose books looking for a suitable something for your own epitaph, not to mention your eulogy, be sure to have a look through your local cemetery, there is inspiration everywhere! 

Inspiration comes in many forms whether it is music, like Andrew Eldritch, Nick Cave, Leonard Cohen or Tom Waits; the message is conveyed succinctly and with great and rare beauty.

One such piece of poetry that is infamous because of the grief and loss it portrays is by W H Auden’s poem Funeral Blues:

“Stop all the clocks, cut of the telephone,
Prevent the dog from barking with a juicy bone,
Silence the pianos and with muffled drum
Bring out the coffin, let he mourners come.

Let aeroplanes circle moaning overhead
Scribbling on the sky the message He is Dead
Put crepe bows round the white necks of the public doves,
Let the traffic police wear black cotton gloves.

He was my North, my South, my East and West,
My working week and my Sunday rest
My noon, my midnight, my talk, my song;
I thought that love would last forever: I was wrong.

The stars are not wanted now; put out every one,
Pack up the moon and dismantle the sun,
Pour away the ocean and sweep up the woods,
For nothing now can ever come to any good.”

A beautiful Eulogy for a man or a woman by someone who loved them dearly, but there is a wealth of poetry and prose out there that sums up your personality and can be utilized for epitaph or eulogy such as Jewel’s Freedom:

“Having mutilated
And freed myself
From the very wings
Which for so long
Held me aloft
I have cast my heart
Like a purpled fruit
Toward the violent earth,
Far from the Heaven
Of your arms”

From Lord Byron’s Lines Written Beneath an Elm in the Churchyard at Harrow are the words:

Mourned by the few my soul acknowledged here;
Deplored by those in early days allied,
And unremembered by the world beside.”

These words inspire us to explore and delve deeper  into poetry and prose that we might find an insight that truly reflects our personalities, our hopes, our dreams, our loves and our lives.

CHAPTER 8

PETTY REVENGE

There is a childish satisfaction in getting your revenge, for a wrong slight or insult. It matters not whether it comes after your death, in some ways it’s fitting.

So for all those people who have wronged you there is something special awaiting you in the very near future.

For the boy who took your virginity and then dumped you for some hussy, there is of course heroin. Not the administration of but the getting caught with it in his possession. A small sachet left discreetly in his apartment, hidden in the couch is likely to see him spending many a lonely hour with Bubba and Spider. Just don’t forget to make that quick anonymous tip just before you do the evil deed.

For your parents who wouldn’t lend you the money for that new CD player you wanted to improve the acoustics of your room, your death is quite enough, they will spend the rest of their miserable and pathetic lives thinking if only, in fact point out in an individual note to them that they put you under great stress with their constant demands of you to fly straight, be good, try hard and naturally you would succeed. You didn’t feel you could live up to their expectations.

It’s a common thing that people will feel guilt and pain and somehow like they have failed when you kill yourself. Rightly so in many cases. Society has a lot to be ashamed of with the pressure on young people to achieve such a great amount, have a career, be financially successful, have a family, own their own home.  No longer is there one goal in life, there are hundreds, and failure is not an option. No wonder the statistics on teen suicide are so high. 

Make them pay, post a letter to the Newspapers, tell them that there are children dying, not overseas but right here and right now. That society is ignoring its problems because it has little or no assistance for teens that feel that there are no further options available to them. You may as well gain some political kudos in your death and some notoriety. You may even become a cult figure.

CHAPTER 9

MY FAVOURITE DEATH STORIES

A great many funky people died of the strangest things. I though I would share my ten time favorites with you, dear reader, so you too can gasp in horror or chortle softly at their untimely demises.

Rasputin is an all time favorite, a notorious Russian holy man and supposedly lover to many including the Russian Queen. He died in 1916 after consuming poisonous cakes and wine, he was shot twice, but neither of these methods succeeded in killing him! He died of drowning after being bound and gagged and thrown into a river. 

Lupe Valez spent her last day on earth at the beauty parlor, she had her pubic hair trimmed to the shape of a heart, a manicure, a pedicure and attempted to commit suicide of barbiturate poisoning intending to leave an exquisite corpse. Due to excessive food, expensive wine and barbiturates causing her to feel unwell, she was running to the bathroom, slipped and drowned in the toilet bowl.

Cleopatra is another all time favorite, who died with an asp clutched at her breast.  Not to be outdone Brian Gregor guitarist from “the Cramps” a gothabilly band, irritated a black widow spider until it bit him causing his death.

Isadora Duncan an American dancer died in 1927 when she was strangled to death when her long scarf became entangled in a rear wheel and her neck was broken.

Lionel Johnson a famous British critic died in 1902 of injuries incurred when he fell of his barstool. Unless this is your chosen method of suicide, a chancy method at best, I would advise caution when getting liquored up and lacquered down.

Who but a French romantic writer would kill him self by hanging himself by apron strings on a convenient lamppost? Such was the fate of Gerard De Nerval in 1855.

And Allan Pinkerton founder of the US Detective Agency, died in 1884 after stumbling after his morning walk. He bit his tongue and died of gangrene.

Both Alexander the Great and Claudius the First were poisoned, the drug of choice was supposedly Hellabane, which was put on a feather that was used to assist them to throw up after indulging in gluttony.

Richard the third, not to be outdone, had his brother George Duke of Clarence in 1478 drowned in a barrel of wine.

 Gluttony also killed another king of England, Henry the first died in 1135 of an intestinal illness resulting from overindulgence in lampreys.

CHAPTER 10

SOME GOTHIC RESOURCES

There are thousands of interesting sites online; I’ve listed a few to assist the research of the young gothic suicide researcher. There are of course the obligatory links to satanic organizations, and some sites that are just fun and funky:

Satanic and Religious Websites Sites
•	www.churchofsatan.org
•	www.churchofsatan.com
•	www.churchofsatan.net
•	www.religioustolerance.org
•	www.vampire-church.com
•	www.paganlink.comwww.christiangoth.com
•	

Gothic Websites
•	www.goth.com
•	www.gothic.net
•	www.dollzmania.com
•	www.gothicmatch.com

Occult Search Engines Online
•	www.avtar.com
•	www.witchvox.com

Gothic Music Sites
•	www.sistersofmercy.com
•	www.bauhausmusik.com
•	www.marilymanson.com
•	www.angelindevilsboots.com

There are also some wonderful books and I cant even begin to start listing these but add a few of my own personal favorite authors for you to peruse their works at your leisure.

•	Anne Rice
•	Herman Hesse
•	J. P. Donleavy
•	Oscar Wilde
•	Nietzsche
•	Mary Shelley
•	Tom Robbins
•	Richard Broadighan
•	Kirkeguard
•	Robert A Heinlein