Take this kiss upon the brow! And, in parting from you now, Thus much let me
a vow-- You are not wrong who deem That my days have been a dream; Yet if hope
has flown away In a night, or in a day, In a vision, or in none, Is it therefore
the less gone? All that we see or seem Is but a dream within a dream. ~~Edgar Allen Poe
From childhood's hour I have not been As others were; I have not seen As others
saw; I could not bring My passions from a common spring. From the same source I
have not taken My sorrow; I could not awaken My heart to joy at the same tone;
And all I loved, I loved alone. ~~Edgar Allen Poe
Take your dying with some seriousness, however. Laughing on the way to your
execution is not generally understood by less advanced life forms, and they'll
call you crazy.
It may be that your whole purpose in life is simply to serve as a warning to others.
The greatest lies of all time:
1. I love you
2. This won't hurt a bit
3. The check is in the mail
4. I was just going to call you
5. I swear I won't come in your mouth
6. Of course I'll respect you in the morning
7. We have a really challenging assignment for you
8. I'm from the government, and I'm here to help you
Obviously the only rational solution to your problem is suicide.
Join the Army! Travel to exotic, distant lands. Meet exciting, unusual people, and kill them.
Eagles may soar, free and proud, but weasels never get sucked into jet engines.
My parents put us to sleep by tossing us up in the air. Of course, you have to have low ceilings for this method to work.
"The only reason so many people attended his funeral was they wanted to make sure he was dead."
I don't suffer from insanity, I enjoy every minute of it.
I used up all my sick days, so I'm calling in dead.
Life's a bitch, then you die.
Life is a bitch, then you marry one.
Today is the last day of your life so far.
"We are the people our parents warned us about."
"For those who think life's a joke - just think of the punchline!"
"Wake up to reality."
A slipping gear could let your M203 grenade launcher fire when you least expect it. That would make you quite unpopular in what's left of your unit.
"If a tree falls in the forest on a mime, does anyone care?"
"There is a theory which states that if ever anyone discovers exactly what the
universe is for and why it is here, it will instantly disappear and be replaced
by something even more bizarre and inexplicable. There is another which states
that this has already happened."
"For thousands more years the mighty ships tore across the empty wastes of space
and finally dived screaming on to the first planet they came across--which
happened to be the Earth -- where due to a terrible miscalculation of scale the entire battle fleet was accidentally swallowed by a small dog"
DROP THE SCYTHE, AND TURN AROUND SLOWLY.
"Let's just say that if complete and utter chaos were lightning, he'd be the
sort to stand on a mountain in a thunderstorm wearing wet copper armor and
shouting 'All gods are bastards'."
Just because you're not paranoid doesn't mean they aren't out to get you.
"The story so far:
In the beginning the Universe was created. This has made a lot of people very
angry and been widely regarded as a bad move."
One student fell into a cycle of classes, studying, working and sleeping. Didn't
realize how long he had neglected writing home until he received the following
note: "Dear Son, Your mother and I enjoyed your last letter. Of course, we were
much younger then, and more impressionable. Love, Dad."
Warning: Do not drink the battery acid. It doesn't taste good and will hurt you.
Also do not bite the tires, especially while the bike is moving.
Our lawyers made us put these warnings in.
All this wheeling and dealing around, why, it isn't for money, it's for fun.
Money's just the way we keep score.
"If we do happen to step on a mine, Sir, what do we do?"
"Normal procedure, Lieutenant, is to jump 200 feet in the air and scatter
oneself over a wide area."
Why keep sane in a sick world?
"That's the remarkable thing about life. No matter how bad it gets it can always
get worse."
"Son, I just want you to know: life is a black, sucking, vortex of anguish and
despair, filled with brief moments of false hope and empty joy, all the while
dragging you inevitably closer to final, absolute, and eternal death."
"thanks dad.."
"Don't close your eyes for the crash; you'll miss the best part"
"There will always be survivors."
Order is for idiots, genius can handle chaos
The question is not if you are paranoid, it is if you are paranoid enough
Lord, grant me the serenity to accept the things I can not change, the courage
to change the things I can, and the wisdom to
hide the bodies of those I had to kill because they pissed me off.
I either want less corruption, or more chance to participate in it.
Submit to the present evil, lest a greater one befalls you.
I'm not in denial I'm just selective about the reality I choose to accept
He who knows and knows that he knows is a master. He who knows and does not know
that he knows needs a teacher. He who does not
know and knows that he does not know, needs love. He who thinks he knows and does not know, is lost.
There is nothing friendlier than a wet dog.
A critic is a legless man who teaches running
Solution to 2 of the worlds major problems: Feed the homeless to the hungry...
Cool Ways to Kill Yourself (Difficulty level 7)
1.Get a LOT of explosives. The more the better.
2. Hook up a detonator to an altimeter. Set it for 100-200 feet. That will give you good dispersion
3. Mix Vaseline and gasoline in a bucket.
4. Find a really tall building. Something like the World Trade Center is perfect and is in a sufficiently crowded area to generate the proper sized crowd.
5. Get an extra large trench coat, ski mask, duct tape and a lighter.
6. Bring your materials to the top of your building. Liberally apply the
Vaseline-gasoline mixture to your entire body. Duct tape the explosives around
your legs, arms, head and torso. The more you use the better. You cannot overdo this. Attach the altimeter to the explosives.
7. Put on the trench coat and mask so that the explosives are not visible.
8. Start ranting and throwing things so that you are sure to attract notice.
Drag this part out as long as possible. Say anything that comes to mind but try to stay away from real problems. Your love life DOES NOT make for a good sound bite. Ask for news cameras from the major networks. Pace around a lot while waving your arms.
9. DO NOT let on that you have explosives on your body. The police will clear the area and you definitely don't want that.
10. When you've gotten the crowd to a fevered pitch, when the helicopters are hovering like vultures, whip off the jacket and set yourself on fire.
11. Wait until you are completely engulfed in flame then jump.
12. Try to steer yourself towards the crowd. That way flaming falling body parts will pelt the fleeing onlookers when you explode.
13. Congratulations! You've just made history
From an actual newspaper contest where entrants age 4 to 15 were asked
to imitate "Deep Thoughts by Jack Handey":
My young brother asked me what happens after we die. I told him we get
buried under a bunch of dirt and worms eat our bodies. I guess I
should have told him the truth -- that most of us go to Hell and burn
eternally -- but I didn't want to upset him.
"Well, waking up hungover and snuggled up in bed with the boss's
19-yr-old daughter and having to walk out of the house past his
surprised ass at the breakfast table doesn't do wonders for your
career."
Remember, it takes 42 muscles to frown and only 4 to pull the trigger of a decent sniper rifle.
Scrawled inBIG ANGRY RED letters: "I FUCKED your mother!!!"
neatly printed in small calm blue letters: "Go home dad, you're drunk."
Give a man a fire and he's warm for a day, but set fire to him and he's warm for the rest of his life
According to the 2000 year old Mayan prophecies, the world will end on the 21th of December 2012 (the winter solstice). This is the date where the very sophisticated Mayan calendar ends and the human race will perish. Earth will rebel against mankind which have turned arrogant, ignoring the holy values and disturbing the balance of nature.
It is not enough to succeed. Others must fail
If I only had enough vodka for two men and enough women for four, I
would lead a very happy life.
If a turtle loses his shell is he naked or homeless.
If voting could change something, it would be illegal.
Magic [embodies] the concept of lying turned into an art form.
"This is not a court of Justice, young man, it is a court of Law!"
Oliver Holmes Jr., U.S. Supreme Court Justice
Smile. Tomorrow's going to be worse.
"Beauty is just a light switch away".
A rebel with a cause is a hero; a rebel without one is stupid.
Buy me another beer. Your still ugly.
Once I tried to kill myself with bungee cord. I kept almost dying.
Sometimes I think the surest sign that intelligent life exists
elsewhere is the fact that none of it has tried to contact us.
Try to explain Hitler to a kid.
Open-minded people must accept the possibility that being
closed-minded is better. Close-minded people can take comfort in
knowing that they are right.
If you ever see me getting beaten by the police, put down the video
camera and come help me instead."
Even very young children need to be informed about dying. Explain the
concept of death very carefully to your child. This will make
threatening him with it much more effective.
"Never underestimate the power of very stupid people in large groups."
Blood is thicker than water, and much tastier.
It matters not whether you win or lose; what matters whether I win or
lose.
Mmm... caffeine pills. The midnight snack of champions.
History repeats itself. It has to, no-one listens.
I've learned- that you cannot make someone love you. All you can do,
is stalk them and hope they panic and give in.
I choose to live forever, or die trying to.
When life gives you lemons, make lemonade, pee in it, and serve it to the people that piss you off.
Meat Grinder
Difficulty level: 11
Find a sausage making company that has a giant meat grinder. Set up a hidden video camera to tape your death. Leave a will with explicit instructions that it not be read until one year after the night of your grinding. In it, detail the way you died and the location of the hidden camera.
Sneak in at night naked and turn on the video camera. Climb into the grinder and take massive amounts of pills of your choice. Make sure it is enough to kill you.
In the morning you will be ground up and made into sausages. One year later your will, will be read to the news media and people all around the nation will vomit simultaneously.
"Three Rings for the Elven-kings under the sky,
seven for the Dwarf-lords in their halls of stone,
nine for Mortal Men doomed to die,
one for the Dark Lord on his dark throne
in the Land of Mordor where the Shadows lie.
One Ring to rule them all,
one Ring to find them,
one Ring to bring them all
and in the darkness bind them
in the Land of Mordor where the Shadows lie."
Do not meddle in the affairs of wizards, for they are subtle and
quick to anger.
Blood is thicker than water, and much tastier.
"Still round the corner there may wait, a new road or a secret
gate."
I am the angel of death. The time of purification is at hand.
"Another day nearer the battle,
So drink up my lads and look brave,
'Cos every day nearer the battle
Is another day nearer the grave."
Flee fools, flee!
"And the shadow fell upon the Land, and the World was riven stone from
stone. The oceans fled, and the mountains were swallowed up, and the
nations were scattered to the eight corners of the world. The moon was
as blood, and the sun was as ashes. The seas boiled, and the living
envied the dead."
Robert Jordan, "The Eye of The World
"The Wheel of Time turns, and ages come and pass leaving memories that
become legend, then fade to myth, and are long forgotten when that age
comes again."
"Wizard's First Rule: People are stupid; given proper motivation,
almost anyone will believe almost anything. Because people are stupid,
they will believe a lie because they want to believe it's true.
People's heads are full of knowledge, facts, and beliefs, and most of
it is false, yet they think it all true. People are stupid; they can
only rarely tell the difference between a lie and the truth, and yet
they are confident they can, and so are all the easier to fool"
"Not all who wander are lost"
"And the Lord spake, saying, "First shalt thou take out the Holy Pin Then, shalt thou count to three. No more. No less. Three shalt be the number thou shalt count, and the number of the counting shall be three. Four shalt thou not count, nor either count thou two, excepting that thou then proceed to three. Five is right out. Once the number three, being the third number, be reached, then, lobbest thou thy Holy Hand Grenade of Antioch towards thy foe, who, being naughty in My sight, shall snuff it."
Monty Python, Monty Python and the Holy Grail
"She's a witch!" "A witch? How do you know she's a witch?" "She turned me into a newt!" "A newt?" "... I got better."
You eat pieces of shit for breakfast?!
"Armed? Armed with what? Hmm let's see. Bad breath, colorful language,
feather duster. What do you think they're armed with? GUNS YOU TIT!
GUNS!!"
If you're lying to me, I'll kill ya. If I think you're lying to me, I'll kill ya. If you leave anything out, I'll kill ya. As a matter of fact you're gonna have to work very hard to stay alive. Do you understand? Good, cause if you don't, I'll kill ya.
Jessica Rabbit: You don't know what it's like Being a woman looking the way I do.
Eddie Valiant: You don't know what it's like Being a man looking at a woman looking the way you do.
Man I love them high school girls. I get older, they stay the same
age. Yes they do.
"Hey hey hey, what's for dinner?" "Rimmer's dad just died!!" "Well I'd prefer chicken..."
Invisible boy: I'm invisible! Can you see me?
All: Yes.
The Bowler: Maybe you should put some shorts on or something if you
want to keep fighting evil with us today.
"Captain, with all due respect... Fuck you... Sir!"
Man (waiting for elevator): "Who are you guys supposed to be?
Cosmonauts or something?"
Venkman: "We're exterminators. Someone reported a cockroach on the
twelfth floor."
Man: "Must be one hell of a cockroach."
Venkman: "Bite your head off."
"Ray, when someone asks you if you're a god, you say yes.
Wake up. Time to die.
The price is wrong, bitch.
"On my signal, unleash HELL!!"
Laugh it up, fuzzball.
What you know you can't explain, but you feel it. You've felt it your
entire life, that there's something wrong with the world. You don't
know what it is, but it's there, like a splinter in your mind, driving
you mad.
A wise man once said death laughs at us all. All you can do is laugh right back.
Mess with the best, die like the rest!
A bit of pain never hurt anyone. If you know what I mean?
My name is Maximus Desimus Meridius, commander of the armies of the north,
general of the Felix legions, loyal servant to the true emperor, Marcus
Areillius. Father to a murdered son, husband to a murdered wife, and I will have
my vengeance, in this life or the next.
If real is characterized by what you see and what you can feel, then
"real" is only electromagnetic impulses which run through you brain
There is no right and wrong, only fun and boring
Why should I live up to other people's expectations rather than my
own?
Oracle: You're cuter than I thought. I can see why she likes you...
Neo: Who? Oracle: Not too bright though.
"Losers always whine about their best. Winners go home and fuck the
prom queen."
Guns don't kill, idots with guns kill.
Soap: "Also, knives are good. You see, knives are quiet, and the quieter they
are, the more likely that we're gonna use 'em. Shut 'em right up. Make us look
like we're serious. Guns for Show, Knives for a Pro."
You see Bob, I'm not lazy. It's that I just don't care.
Sweet is love when all is sane
Sweet is death to rid the pain
Cruel is death when all is well
Cruel is love when all is hell
All that we see or seem
is but a dream within a dream
I was me, but now he is gone.
We twist and turn where angels burn
Like fallen soldiers, we will learn,
that once forgotten, twice removed,
Build my fear of what's out there
And cannot breathe the open air
Whisper things into my brain
Assuring me that I'm insane
They think our heads are in their hands
But violent use brings violent plans
Keep him tied, It makes him well
He's getting better, Can't you tell?
No more can they keep us in
Listen, Damn it, We will win
They see it right, They see it well
But they think this saves us from our hell
Was it love, or was it the idea of being in love?
American eyes, American eyes See the world through American eyes Bury
the past Rob us blind And leave nothin behind
It's good to be bad if it's better than bored
Creating a sentient robot: $13,060,022,050.33
Pitting it against other robots in battle: $150,759,032.42
Teaching it to repeat 'I'm sorry dave, I can't do that' incessantly, and sing
'Daisy': Priceless
I, for one, am ready to embrace our new robot masters.
If you don't get it, don't worry.
Spoiler: States say, "Here are our priorities for reforming MS." - MS says, "We don't need no stinkin' remedy.""
TOP THIRTEEN CAMPAIGN SONGS FOR DUBYA IN 2004!
Arnold Schwarzenegger had Twisted Sister's We're Not Gonna Take It. Bill Clinton had Fleetwood Mac's Don't Stop Thinking About Tomorrow. Ronald Reagan had Bruce Sprintsteen's Born in the USA, until the Boss informed him that the lyrics described how the Gipper's retrograde right-wing policies had betrayed the promise of a nation. Now, with the 2004 election only twelve months away, yer old pal Jerky thought he might give the people spearheading Preznit Dubya's re-election (sic) efforts some campaign song ideas, totally free of charge. The links provided will take you to the lyrics, most of which are more than a propos.
13. Liar, by Henry Rollins Band
12. I Got The Power by Snap, and Unbelievable by EMF (a tie!)
11. Blame Canada, by the South Park kids
10. The theme from Jaws
9. Brain Damage, by Pink Floyd.
8. Sad but True, by Metallica
7. The Imperial March (Darth Vader's Theme) from Star Wars
6. Me Against Da World, by Tupac Shakur
5. Pinky and the Brain theme song.
4. Only a Fool would Say That, by Steely Dan
3. Money Talks by AC/DC, and Money Changes Everything by Cindy Lauper (Another tie! This time, in recognition of the mighty coalition forged by Dubya to bring Saddam Hussein to his bony, scabby knees!)
2. Everybody Wants to Rule the World, by Tears for Fears
1. Fortunate Son, by Creedance Clearwater Revival
Those who make peaceful revolution impossible, make violent revolution
inevitable.
John F. Kennedy
You wouldn't understand what FOREVER means to me...you broke my heart when you called me your Angel.
~~Me~~