Here is an assortment of quotes from the show Seinfeld which I still can't get enough of. Here's where I got most of them from.
"If I had a son, I would name him Isosceles. Isosceles Kramer."
- Kramer, in "The Handicapped Spot"
"Why don't we just put these two tables together?"
"No no, you can't do that. They're round... it makes an eight...."
- Elaine and George, who doesn't want any company on his date, in "The Visa"
"I was spottin' those raccoons..."
"They were mailboxes, you idiot. I didn't have the heart to tell you."
- George and Jerry, in "The Glasses"
"May I have one of those, madam?"
- Kramer, making fun of George's glasses, in "The Glasses"
"My name is George. I am unemployed and I live with my parents."
"I'm Victoria, hi!"
- George and Victoria in "The Opposite"
"I show up! I pretend I have the job. The guy's on vacation. If I have the job,
it's fine. If I don't have the job, by the time he comes back I'm ensconced."
"Hmmmmm.... Not bad."
"What's the worst thing that could happen?"
"Well, you'd be embarrassed and humiliated in front of a large group of people and
have to walk out in shame with your tail between your legs."
"Yeah, so?"
"Yeah, I see what you mean. I forgot who I was dealing with."
- George and Jerry, in "The Haircut"
"I think that you're in love with him."
"What? That's ridiculous!"
"No, I don't think so... You love him."
"You better be careful on those rocks tomorrow, buddy. And you're not getting any
sandwiches either!"
- Kramer and George, in "The Stall"
"Ah, you're crazy."
"Am I? Or am I so sane that you just blew your mind?!"
"It's impossible!"
"Is it? Or is it so possible that your head is spinning like a top?!"
"It can't be."
"Can it? Or is your entire world just crashing down all around you?"
"Alright, that's enough."
"Yaaaaaaahhh!!!"
- Jerry and Kramer, in "The Stall"
"I might have a whole new career here."
"You mean *a* career."
- Kramer and Jerry, in "The Alternate Side"
"It's not fair that people are seated first-come, first-serve. It should be based
on who's hungriest. I feel like just walking over there and taking some food off
somebody's plate.
"I'll tell you what, there's fifty bucks in it for you if you do it."
"What do you mean?"
"You walk over to that table, you pick up an eggroll, you don't say anything. You eat
it, say thank you very much, wipe your mouth, walk away, I give you fifty bucks."
"What are they gonna do?"
"They won't do anything. In fact, you'll be giving them a story to tell for the rest
of their lives."
"Fifty bucks? You'll give me fifty bucks?"
"Fifty bucks. That table over there. The three couples."
"Okay, I don't want to go over there and do it and then come back here and find out
there was some little loophole, like I didn't put mustard on it."
"No, no tricks."
"Should I do it George?"
"For fifty bucks? I'd put my face in their soup and blow!"
- Elaine, Jerry and George, in "The Chinese Restaurant"
"So I started to walk into the water. I won't lie to you boys, I was terrified.
But I pressed on, and as I made my way past the breakers a strange calm came over me. I
don't know if it was divine intervention or the kinship of all living things, but I tell
you Jerry, at that moment I was a marine biologist."
- George, in "The Marine Biologist"
"The sea was angry that day my friends. Like an old man trying to send back soup
in a deli."
- George, in "The Marine Biologist"
"Let me tell you something, funny boy... You know that little stamp? The one that
says New York Public Library? Well, that may not mean anything to you, but that means a
lot to me. One whole helluva lot. Sure, go ahead, laugh if you want to. I've seen your
type before - flashy, making the scene, flaunting convention. Yeah, I know what you're
thinking... Why's this guy making such a big stink about old library books? Let me give
you a hint, junior. Maybe we can live without libraries, people like you and me.... Maybe.
Sure, we're too old to change the world. What about that kid, sitting down, opening a book
right now in a branch of the local library and finding pictures of pee-pees and wee-wees
in The Cat in the Hat and The Five Chinese Brothers. Doesn't he deserve better? Look, if
you think this is about overdue fines and missing books, you'd better think again. This is
about that kid's right to read a book without getting his mind warped. Or maybe that turns
you on, Seinfeld... Maybe that's how you get your kicks... You and your goodtime
buddies... I've got a flash for you, joy boy. Partytime is over."
- Lt. Bookman, in "The Library"
"After he heckled Toby, she got so upset she ran out of the building and a street
sweeper ran over her foot and severed her pinky-toe."
"That's unbelievable!"
"Yeah, then after the ambulance left, I found the toe. So, I put it in a Cracker Jack
box, filled it with ice and took off for the hospital."
"You ran?"
"No, I jumped on the bus. I told the driver, 'I got a toe here buddy. Step on
it!'"
"Holy cow!"
"Yeah yeah, then all of a sudden this guy pulls out a gun. Well, I knew any delay's
gonna cost her her pinky-toe, so I got out of the seat and I started walking towards him.
He says, 'Where do you think you're going, Cracker Jack?' I says, 'Well, I got a little
prize for you, buddy.' Pwaa! Pwaa! Keeyah! Knocked him out cold!"
"How could you do that?"
"Yeah, then everybody is screaming because the driver, he's passed out because of all
the commotion. The bus is out of control! So I grab him by the collar, I take him out of
the seat, I get behind the wheel... Now I'm driving the bus!"
"You're Batman."
"Yeah, I am Batman. Then the mugger, he comes to and he starts choking me. So, I'm
fighting him off with one hand and I kept driving the bus with the other. Then I managed
to open up the door and I kicked him out the door with my foot at the next stop."
"You kept making all the stops?"
"Well, people kept ringing the bell!"
"What about the toe? What happened to the toe?"
"Well, I am happy to say that the little guy is back in place at the end of the
line."
"You did all this for a pinky-toe?"
"Well, it's a valuable appendage."
- Kramer, George and Jerry, in "The Fire"
"Is it me, or was that the ugliest baby you have ever seen?"
"I couldn't look. It was like a Pekinese."
"Boy, a little too much chlorine in that gene pool."
- Jerry and Elaine, in "The Hamptons"
"So let me get this straight. You find yourself in the kitchen, you see an eclair
in the receptacle, and you think to yourself, 'What the hell, I'll just eat some
trash.'"
"No no no no no. It was not trash."
"Was it in the trash?"
"Yes."
"Then it was trash."
"It wasn't down in. It was sort of on top."
"But it was in the cylinder."
"Above the rim."
"Adjacent to refuse is... refuse."
"It was on a magazine. And it still had the doily on."
"Was it eaten?"
"One little bite."
"Well, that's garbage."
"But I know who took the bite. It was her aunt."
"Well, you, my friend, have crossed the line that divides man and bum. You are now a
bum."
- Jerry and George, in "The Gymnast"
Jerry : So were going to make the Post Office pay for my new stereo ?
Kramer : It's just a write off for them .
Jerry : How is it a write off ?
Kramer : They just write it off .
Jerry : Write it off what ?
Kramer : Jerry all these big companies they write off everything
Jerry : You don't even know what a write off is .
Kramer : Do you ?
Jerry : No . I don't .
Kramer : But they do and they are the ones writing it off .
Jerry : I wish I just had the last twenty seconds of my life back .
George: What kind of operation is it?
Kramer: Spleenectomy.
George: Isn't that where they remove the --
Kramer: Don't ruin it for me, I haven't seen it yet!
Elaine: (to George) Rock climbing? Hehe.. where do you come off going rock climbing.. rock climbing? You need a boost to climb into your bed.
"I don't know what's happening to me."
"Simple. You let out one emotion, all the rest will come. It's like Endora's
Box."
"That was the mother on Bewitched. You mean Pandora."
"Yeah, well, she had one too."
- Jerry and Kramer, in "The Serenity Now"
"I'll sniff out a deal. I have a sixth sense."
"Cheapness is not a sense."
- George and Jerry, in "The Reverse Peephole"
"Don't you see what Whatley is after? Total joke-telling immunity! He's already
got the big two religions covered. If he ever gets Polish citizenship, there'll be no
stopping him."
- Jerry, in "The Yada Yada"
"Listen to me. We're always sitting here. I'm always helping you with your girl
problems, you're always helping me with my girl problems. Where do we end up?"
"Here."
"Exactly. Because neither one of us can handle a woman all by ourselves."
"I'm trying."
"I've tried. We don't have it. But maybe the two of us, working together, at full
capacity, could do the job of one normal man."
"Then each of us would only have to be like a half-man. That sounds about
right."
- George and Jerry, in "The Summer of George"
"You think people will still be using napkins in the year 2000? Or is this mouth
vacuum thing for real?"
- Kramer, in "The Millennium"
"Seven."
"Seven Costanza... You're serious?"
"Yeah. It's a beautiful name for a boy or a girl. Especially a girl... Or a
boy."
"I don't think so."
"What, you don't like the name?"
"It's not a name. It's a number."
"I know. It's Mickey Mantle's number. So not only is it an all-around beautiful name,
it is also a living tribute."
- George and Susan, in "The Seven"
"Seven? Yeah, I guess I could see it. Seven. Seven periods of school, seven
beatings a day. Roughly seven stitches a beating, and eventually seven years to life.
Yeah, you're doing that child quite a
service."
- Jerry, in "The Seven"
"I defy you to come up with a better name than Seven."
"Alright, let's see... How about Mug? Mug Costanza. That's original. Or Ketchup.
Pretty name for a girl."
"Alright... You having a good time now?"
"I've got fifty right here in the cupboard... How about Bisquick? Pimento? Gherkin?
Sauce? Maxwell House?"
"Alright already!!"
- George and Jerry, in "The Seven"
"I had a very interesting lunch with George Costanza today."
"Really?"
"We were talking about our lives, and we both kind of realized we're kids. We're not
men."
"So then you asked yourselves, 'Isn't there something more to life?'"
"Yes, we did." "Yeah, well let me clue you in on something... There
isn't."
"There isn't?"
"Absolutely not. I mean, what are you thinking about, Jerry, marriage? Family?
They're prisons! Man-made prisons. You're doing time. You get up in the morning, she's
there. You go to sleep at night, she's there. It's like you gotta ask permission to use
the bathroom. 'Is it alright if I use the bathroom now?!' And you can forget about
watching TV while you're eating."
"I can?"
"Oh yeah. You know why? Because it's dinnertime, and you know what you do at
dinner?"
"What?"
"You talk about your day. 'How was your day today? Did you have a good day today or a
bad day today? Well, what kind of day was it? Well, I don't know, how about you, how was
your day?'"
"Boy."
"It's sad, Jerry. It's a sad state of affairs."
"I'm glad we had this talk."
"Oh, you have no idea."
- Jerry and Kramer, in "The Engagement"
"You know, old friend, sometimes I ponder this silly gulf between us, and I say
'why?'. Are we really so different..."
"I'm not the one doing the cooking, Newman."
"Damn you Seinfeld. You're a useless pustule."
- Newman and Jerry, in "The Butter Shave"
"Interesting. She doesn't care for you, then a stern warning, suddenly a phone
call. Seems Elaine's made you the bad boy. And Anna digs the bad boy."
"I'm the bad boy. I've never been the bad boy."
"You've been the bad employee, the bad son, the bad friend..."
"Yes, yes..."
"The bad fiance, the bad dinner guest, the bad credit risk..."
"Okay, the point is made."
"The bad date, the bad sport, the bad citizen... (looks at table as George exits) the
bad tipper!"
- Jerry and George, in "The Little Kicks"
"So what happened?"
"She's into it."
"Into what?"
"The menage. And not only that. She just called me and said she talked to the
roommate and the roommate's into the menage too."
"That's unbelievable."
"Oh, it's a scene man."
"Do you ever just get down on your knees and thank god that you know me and have
access to my dementia?"
"What are you talking about? I'm not goin' to do it."
"You're not goin to do it? What do you mean, You're not goin to do it?"
"I can't. I'm not an orgy guy."
"Are you crazy? This is like discovering Plutonium ... by accident."
"Don't you know what it means to become an orgy guy? It changes everything. I'd have
to dress different. I'd have to act different. I'd have to grow a moustache and get all
kinds of robes and lotions and I'd need a new bedspread and new curtains I'd have to get
thick carpeting and weirdo lighting. I'd have to get new friends. I'd have to get orgy
friends. ... Naw, I'm not ready for it.
"If only something like that could happen to me."
"Oh, shut up you couldn't do it either."
"I know."
- George and Jerry, in "The Switch"
"I sense great vulnerability. A man-child crying out for love. An innocent orphan
in the post-modern world."
"I see a parasite. A sexually depraved miscreant who is seeking only to gratify his
basest and most immediate urges."
"His struggle is man's struggle. He lifts my spirit."
"He is a loathesome, offensive brute. Yet I can't look away."
"He transcends time and space."
"He sickens me."
"I love it."
"Me too."
- An elderly art loving couple, admiring the painting of Kramer, in "The
Letter"
ON DATING:
...Dating is pressure and tension. What is a date, really, but a job interview that lasts all night? The only difference between a date and a job interview is that in not many job interviews is there a chance you'll end up naked at the end of it.
"Well, Bill, the boss thinks you're the man for the job. Why don't you strip down and meet some of the people you'll be working with?"
...What would the world be like if people said whatever they were thinking, all the time, whenever it came to them? How long would a blind date last? About 13 seconds, I think. "Oh, sorry, your rear end is too big." "That's ok, your breath stinks anyway. See you later."
ON SEX:
...Seems to me the basic conflict between men and women, sexually, is that men are like firemen. To men, sex is an emergency, and no matter what we're doing we can be ready in two minutes. Women, on the other hand, are like fire. They're very exciting, but the conditions have to be exactly right for it to occur.
...Men and women all in all, behave just like our basic sexual elements. If you watch single men on a weekend night they really act very much like sperm - all disorganized, bumping into their friends, swimming in the wrong direction. "I was first." "Let me through." "You're on my tail." "That's my spot." They're like the Three Billion Stooges. But the egg is very cool: "Well, who's it going to be? I can divide. I can wait a month. I'm not swimming anywhere."
THE RELATIONSHIP
...Why is commitment such a big problem for a man? I think that for some reason when a man is driving down that freeway of love, the woman he's with is like an exit, but he doesn't want to get off there. He wants to keep driving. And the woman is like, "Look, gas, food, lodging, that's our exit, that's everything we need to be happy...Get off here, now!" But the man is focusing on sign underneath that says, "Next exit 27 miles," and he thinks, "I can make it." Sometimes he can, sometimes he can't. Sometimes, the car ends up on the side of the road, hood up and smoke pouring out of the engine. He's sitting on the curb all alone, "I guess I didn't realize how many miles I was racking up."
...The idea behind the tuxedo is the woman's point of view that men are all the same, so we might as well dress them that way. That's why a wedding is like the joining together of a beautiful, glowing bride and some guy. The tuxedo is a wedding safety device, created by women because they know that men are undependable. So in case the groom chickens out, everybody just takes one step over, and she marries the next guy.
ON CLOTHES
...I once had a leather jacket that got ruined in the rain. Why does moisture ruin leather? Aren't cows outside a lot of the time? When it's raining, do cows go up to the farmhouse, "Let us in! We're all wearing leather! Open the door! We're going to ruin the whole outfit here!"
TRAVELING
...I was in front of an ambulance the other day, and I noticed that the word "ambulance" was spelled in reverse print on the hood of the ambulance. And I thought, "Well, isn't that clever." I look in the rear-view mirror, I can read the word "ambulance" behind me. Of course while you're reading, you don't see where you're going, you crash, you need an ambulance. I think they're trying to drum up some business on the way back from lunch.
...You know what I never get with the limo? The tinted windows. Is that so people don't see you? Yeah, what a better way not to have people notice you than taking a thirty foot Cadillac with a TV antenna and a uniformed driver. How discreet. Nobody cares who's in the limo. You see a limo go by, you know it's either some rich jerk or fifty prom kids with $1.75 each.
...Are there keys to a plane? Maybe that's what those delays are sometimes, when you're just sitting there at the gate. Maybe the pilot sits up there in the cockpit going, "Oh, I don't believe this. Dammit..I did it again." They tell you it's something mechanical because they don't want to come on the P.A. system, "Ladies and gentlemen, we're going to be delayed here on the ground for a while. I uh..Oh, God this is so embarrassing...I, I left the keys to the plane in my apartment. They're in this big ashtray by the front door. I'm sorry, I'll run back and get them."
...You can measure distance by time. "How far away is it?" "Oh about 20 minutes." But it doesn't work the other way. "When do you get off work?" "Around 3 miles."
DEATH
...The Chalk Outline guy's got a good job. Not too dangerous, the criminals are long gone. I guess these are people who wanted to be sketch artists but they couldn't draw very well. "Uh, listen, Jon, forget the sketches, do you think if we left the dead body right there on the sidewalk you could manage to trace around it?"
How does that help them solve the crime? They look at the thing on the ground, "Oh, his arm was like that when he hit the pavement....the killer must have been...Jim."
THAT'S ODD
...I had a parakeet that used to fly around the house and crash into these huge mirrors my mother put in. Ever heard of this interior design principle, that a mirror makes it seem like you have an entire other room? What kind of jerk walks up to a mirror and goes, "Hey look, there's a whole other room in there. There's a guy that looks just like me in there."
But the parakeet would fall for this. I'd let him out of his cage, he'd fly right into the mirror. And I'd always think, "Even if he thinks the mirror is another room, why doesn't he at least try to avoid hitting the other parakeet?"
...Kids could always resolve any dispute by calling it. One of them will say, "I got the front seat." "I want the front seat." "I called it." And the other kid has no recourse. "He called it, what can I do?" If there was a kid court of law it holds up. "You Honor, my client did ask for the front seat." The judge says, "Did he call it?" "Well, no, he didn't call it..." He bangs the gavel. "Objection overruled. He has to call it. Case closed."
ON DOGS
...A dog will stay stupid. That's why we love them so much. The entire time we know them, they're idiots. Think of your dog. Everytime you come home , he thinks it's amazing. He has no idea how you accomplish this every day. You walk in the door, the joy of this experience overwhelms him. He looks at you, HE'S BACK, IT'S THAT GUY, THAT SAME GUY. He can't believe it. Everything is amazing to your dog. ANOTHER CAN OF FOOD? I DON'T BELIEVE IT.
Dogs want to be people. That's what their lives are about. They don't like being a dog. They're with people all the time, they want to graduate. My dog would sit there all day, he would watch me walk by, he would think to himself, I COULD DO THAT! HE'S NOT THAT GOOD.
That's why the greatest, most exciting moment in the life of a dog is the front seat of your car. You and him in the front seat. It's the only place where your head and his are on the exact same level. He sits up there, he thinks, THIS IS MORE LIKE IT. YOU AND ME TOGETHER, THIS IS THE WAY IT SHOULD BE. He looks out the front. What's he looking at? He's a dog. WHAT ARE YOU GOING TO MAKE - A RIGHT OR A LEFT? I DON'T EVEN KNOW WHERE I AM.
They have a hard time. They stand up, they sit down, they can't handle the turn either way. No matter which way you turn, he's not ready. They don't know what to do. And then comes the great moment of frustration. You stop someplace and get something to eat. This kills him. You get a hamburger, this blows his mind. INSTANT FOOD WHENEVER YOU WANT IT? You know what this means to him? You ever see the look on his face? He looks over at you. HOW'D YOU GET THAT? ARE THEY GIVING IT TO EVERYBODY NOW? YOU THINK I COULD GET ONE? They can't get anything.
Dogs have no money. Isn't that amazing? They're broke their entire lives. But they get through. You know why dogs have no money?
No pockets.