The Story

The Story of the Rafting Accident that Killed Jerry

Jerry was killed in a rafting accident.  I was there.  I wrote down this account of what happened for two reasons:  First and foremost, this was written down as a form of therapy for me.  Writing things down helps... especially when something so horrible happens to you that you just can't get your mind wrapped around it to even start to deal with it.  Second, I found that many of his family and friends wanted to know just what happened... how did it happen?  How did he die?  But everyone was afraid to ask.  Which is understandable.  I can seldom get through half of it without losing it... crying... sobbing.  So here's the story.  I wrote this about 6 months after he died.  Cried through every bit of it.  I still cry through every bit of it. 

Jerry and I worked together in the same office, same department for 8 years.  He was an electrical engineer and software developer.  The last 4 years (1993-1997), we were joined at the hip.  Basically, we were together 24 hours a day.  Either he was staying at my place, or I was staying at his.  We had a rare relationship.  We very seldom argued (in fact, I can count on one hand the number of arguments we had in the entire 4 years we were a couple).

In November of 1996, we finally decided for certain that we were going to get married.  I remember the night we "decided".  We had eaten at a Chinese restaurant (Fu's Garden on San Felipe), and we were talking about how we've been together for 3 1/2 years, and it was time we settled down and got married.   We had been talking about having babies for years.  In fact, he sold his corvette and bought a Chevy Tahoe because as he said, "it was more of a family car, and you [that's me] can drive our babies around in it."

So, December 9, 1996, I moved into his house with him.  I hadn't moved in sooner than that, because he lived at home with his parents until he was 31, and I thought he should be given a chance to live alone for a while.  But enough of that!  We were always together anyway, and hey, we're going to get married soon.

So, given the fact that we were going to get married, I decided that I should fulfill a life-long dream before I settled down and had children:  I wanted to go overseas.  I accepted a 3-month assignment in Australia.  I was there mid-February through the end of May, 1997.

I missed Jerry terribly the whole time I was gone.  I still have all the e-mails and cards and letters I sent him where I'm saying, "I miss you so much, I promise I'll never ever ever leave you like this again!"  He had given me a pearl ring for my birthday in November of '96, I wore it everyday and kissed it every night.  God, I missed him.  Every time I talked to him on the phone, I told him how much I missed him.  He always said in his silly voice, "Well, COME HOME!"  I'd say, "I can't… I've got to finish what I'm doing here."  He'd say, "How much longer?"  I'd tell him the number of weeks, and he'd always say, "That's too long!!"

So, May 24th, I came home.  I was SO happy to see him.  I was jumping up and down trying to see him through the crowd at the gate.  He was standing there with a stuffed basset hound, 2 cards, and a bouquet of roses.  (Those roses are still sitting on the fireplace mantle… right where I put them that night.)   One of the cards said, "I'm glad my Pookie is home, I missed my soulmate."

I was so happy to be home.  I'd gotten the overseas thing out of my system, and my life was perfect.  I was in love, I was going to get married to my very best friend and soulmate.

While I was in Australia, my Dad planned a trip with my nephew to Colorado.  Part of the plan was to go white water rafting on the last day of the trip.  He called Jerry at least once a week about going.  In fact, I still have many messages he left on his answering machine for Jerry saying, "I'm really looking forward to taking you to Colorado."  I told Jerry I wanted to go because it would make my Dad happy, and I wanted to spend some time with my nephew, Nick who was going also.  We weren't really that interested in staying in a cabin with no running water, and rafting, but we went.  (Jerry and Nick were very close.)

So, June 5th, we left for Colorado.  We drove to Arlington first to drop Jerry's truck off at my sister's house.  (We were going to return to Arlington after Colorado and drive Nick up to his Dad's in Arkansas.)  Christie took us to the DFW airport on the morning of June 6th.  I bought the tickets from Dallas to Amarillo.  (We never used the return tickets.)  We left Amarillo for Colorado on the morning of the 7th.  We were driving in my Dad's Dodge Ram.

As it turns out, it rained and hailed all weekend.  The fish weren't biting and it was COLD.  So when Monday, June 9th rolled around, I was glad because I was ready to get back home and plan our wedding.

During the day on June 7th, we went shopping for neoprene insulation socks.  We never found them.  The last place we stopped at was the Exchange at the Air Force Academy.  We decided to buy a radio to listen to the Rockets playoff game.  I was standing in line at the checkouts, and Jerry says, "Wait!" and runs off.  A few seconds later, he comes running back like a little kid with a bag of Jolly Rancher gummy candy.  He says in a silly voice, "Can I have these???"   I say, "Of course!".

The night of June 7th, Jerry was standing on the steps of our cabin between the 2 posts at the top of the steps.  We had a few moments alone (most of the time, either my Dad or Nick was around, and Jerry wasn't much for PDA… Public Displays of Affection.)  Out of nowhere, he looked at me and said, "Know how much I love you?"  I said, "How much?"  He held out his arms as far as they would reach between the posts and said, "This much… I really love you more, but my arms won't reach that far."  I got up and hugged him around the middle and said, "I love you too."  That was the last time we told each other we loved each other.

That night, we couldn't pick up anything on the radio.  So, Jerry went to sleep early, and I stayed up to play poker with Nick.  When we turned in, I reached over and hugged and kissed the side of Jerry's head and patted him on the butt.  I loved him so much.  That was our last night together.

The next morning (the 9th) we got up extra early to make it to the Air Force Academy's rec center in Colorado Springs.  We got fitted for our full-length insulating suits, splash jackets, and life jackets (the big orange heavy ones with the big head pillow attached to the back.)  The rec center had one pair of neoprene insulation socks.  Jerry told me to take them… I said, are you sure?   He said he'd be warm enough with the swim socks he had bought in Hawaii the previous October.  We were also offered helmets, but were told they were "optional".  Jerry opted not to wear a helmet.  I wore one.  I wanted him to wear one too, but I never nagged Jerry about anything he wanted or didn't want to do.  We loaded up into vans and drove 2 hours to the Arkansas River.

There were 4 rafts altogether… one raft with the "leader"… he had a sort-of dual-sided raft (with cylindrical floats on the sides) and two large paddles.  They tied all the supplies to this.  Then there were three rafts for all the rafters.  2 rafts were filled with air force guys… many of them visiting from England.  My Dad, my nephew, Jerry, myself, and 1 raft guide were in the last raft.  Dad was in the left rear.  Nick was on the left front.  Jerry was on the right front, and I was behind him on the right rear.   The guide sat directly in the back and "steered" with a paddle.

We were told that the river was running extra-high due to snow meltoff, so we were able to start further up the river than normal and end further down the river than normal.  There was a short safety review.  The one part I remember most was the part that told us what to do if we fell out of the raft.  We were told to concentrate on staying on our backs and keeping our feet out of the water… this would keep our head out of the water until we could get picked up.  Then there was some paddle practice (synchronizing paddling).  I remember thinking, "I wonder if Jerry should warn them he can't swim."  But I didn't want to embarrass him.

So we started rafting.  We had to do a lot of paddling, so it was sort of tiring.  It was cold and wet, and I just wanted the damn thing over with.   At one point, I was concerned that Jerry wasn't enjoying the weekend, so I asked him, "Are you having fun, Pookie?"  He nodded his head very fast and said, "Yeah!!  I feel like I'm in that movie, Deliverance… we're going to have to rent that so you can watch it."

We stopped for lunch.  I was one of the last ones to eat, so when I walked over to Jerry and Nick with my plate, Jerry jumped up off his spot on a rock and said, "Go ahead and sit here… I'll stand."  I said, "Ahhh, you're so nice!"  That was so Jerry.  He was the ultimate polite gentleman.   That was his last sweet gesture towards me.  We had sandwiches, potato salad and chips.  That was Jerry's last meal.  After that, I had to go into the trees to "water a weed" as Jerry called it.  When I came back, he said, "Was it drafty?" with a big grin on his face.

So we loaded up the rafts after eating our lunch, and off we went.   Towards the very end of the trip, we stopped short of the last big rapid.  It was called "Seidel's Suckhole".  There were railroad tracks on the left of the river, and big high boulders on the right.  The guides said they needed to climb the boulders to look over the rapid to "scout" it out.  They said they had to make a decision on how to navigate through it.  As all of the rafters climbed the boulder, my Dad and I stayed behind.  Pretty soon, the rafters started back down the boulder.  Finally, Jerry makes it down.  I asked him, "How did it look?"  He just waved his hand and said, "no big deal".  Those were the last words Jerry spoke to me.

So, the first raft goes through… it's the one man with the two big paddles.  He's ok.  The next raft goes through… no problem.  The next raft goes through.  One guy falls out.  He's picked up, he's ok.

Then it was our turn.  I remember the horrible sinking feeling in my stomach as I looked down on the churning water.  You know, the kind of feeling you get at the top of a roller coaster… only worse.  Then our guide started yelling over and over, "BACKPADDLE!!!!   BACKPADDLE!!!!"  I shoved my paddle down in the water and tried like hell to backpaddle, but the water was too strong.

I don't remember the raft flipping on its' side.  I just remember suddenly being in ICE ICE cold water, being tossed violently around like a rag doll, and getting water in my nose, mouth, and lungs.  I didn't think I would ever come up.  But as I was going through this, I was thinking… "Oh my God!   Jerry!!!"

Finally, I popped up… coughing and heaving and trying to breath.  I kept swallowing water and flailing around.  Then I remembered… I need to get on my back and keep my feet in front of me and out of the water.  Then I heard somebody yelling, "SWIM TO SHORE!!!!  SWIM TO SHORE!!!"  I turned around and swam to the Rafting Leader with the 2 big paddles.  I swam to him and grabbed a hold of one of the coolers strapped to his raft.  He yelled at me… "SWIM TO SHORE".

I started trying to swim to shore.  The water was running so fast, I didn't think I could.  It was so cold.  My legs started to hurt.  I started tumbling over rocks.  Finally, I grabbed a rock sticking out of the water.   I looked around for Jerry.  There he was, about 5 feet to my left clinging to another rock.  The only thing was that I had my back to the water, and I was bracing myself against the rock with my feet.  He had the rock only with his hands, the water rushing from his right.  The water was rushing up under his chin.  Our raft leader appeared.  He was hopping rock to rock trying to retrieve our raft or the paddles or something.  He shouted something at Jerry.  I'm not exactly sure what he said.  It was either "Swim to shore!" or "Give me your hand!".   I had my eyes fixed on Jerry.  He looked like he was straining to hold on, but he didn't look scared.  A thought crossed my mind… Jerry, he'll figure it out.   He always figures everything out.  He looked up at the raft guide and said, "I cant!!! I can't!!!"  Those were his last words.  Then I watched in horror as he let go, and struggled to swim as he was getting swept down the river.   Then the river took a bend, and I never saw him alive again.

I started screaming at the top of my lungs at the raft guide.   "HE CAN'T SWIM!!!!!   HE CAN'T SWIM!!!!"  I was frozen.   I was frozen.  I did nothing but stick to that damn rock.  I was thinking, Jerry needs to stop trying to swim and get on his back.  I also thought, I should have yelled at him that I loved him… weird that I thought that.

Confusion.  Fear.  Horror.  I looked to my right, and saw my nephew and my Dad standing on a boulder.  Somehow, I managed to swim over to them, and they pulled me out of the water.  I was hysterical crying.   "WHERE IS HE?  OH GOD, WHERE IS HE?"  Then a girl climbed down to us from above.  She had been video taping us going through the rapid.  She said, "He's ok, he's waiting for us right behind that bend."  I kept crying and shivering and coughing.

It took forever for the other rafters to help us get our raft and paddles back.  I spotted two of the rafters from the first raft walking back up the railroad tracks with paddles for us.  We had to paddle from the right side of the river to the left to pick them up.  The first thing I asked was, "Is Jerry ok??? Did you pick him up?"  One of them, an English one, said, "Yes, we picked him up."  I was so relieved.  I said, "Oh, Thank God."

Then we started down the river again.  I started joking to the English guy about our "wipeout".  I said, "How did it look?"   He said, "Oh, there were bodies everywhere", but he didn't sound very amused.  As we went around the bend (the bend Jerry disappeared behind), there were a lot more rough rapids.  I remember thinking, "Oh my God!  Jerry had to swim through this????"

At one point, we stopped our raft at a private landing.  The raft guide from the other raft got out and talked to some people for a while.  I remember thinking, "Geez, I wish he'd hurry up!"  As we were waiting for him, our raft guide said, "That has NEVER happened to me before.  I thought we should have taken the rapid from the left, but everyone else decided to take it through the middle.  I knew we should have gone to the left."

So, finally we were moving again.  As we neared the landing, I started looking for Jerry.  Where is he?  Where are the other rafters?   Where's the van?  Why are there all these sheriffs department vehicles around?   Why is one the officers questioning our raft guide?  I though, hmmm… they must investigate every time there's a serious rafting accident.

Then one of the officers approached me.  He said, "Are you Shirley?"  I said, "What?"  He said, "Are you Jerry Montemayor's fiancée?"  Then I knew something was wrong.  I knew something was horribly horribly wrong.  I started getting frantic.  I started asking "Why?  What's going on?  What's going on?  Where's Jerry?"   He said, "Ma'am, I can't tell you.  Please calm down, I need to ask you some questions."  Then he started asking me his address, his age, his profession, his parents names.  I was getting hysterical.  I begged him to tell me what was going on.  He said, "All I can tell you is they took him away in an ambulance, and they're working on him."

I don't remember much of what I said or did after he told me that.   I think I started crying.  I think I started pacing around frantically saying, "No, no no no no no no no  God no no…."  Then, a plain white car pulled up.  A very serious sad looking woman stepped out, spoke to an officer who then pointed towards me.

I knew.  I knew he was dead, but I didn't want to know.  I turned around and started running away from her.  She caught up with me, grabbed me by my arms, looked me straight in the eyes and said, "JERRY'S DEAD."

"NNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
"NNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
"NNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
"NNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
I screamed and I screamed and screamed and screamed and screamed.  I fell against a rock and kept screaming and screaming and screaming.  I think my Dad and Nick were standing there.  I don't remember.

Then I looked over towards the river.  Our raft guide was on his hands and knees crying.  For some bizarre, inexplicable reason, I walked over to him, put my hand on his back, and said, "It's not your fault.  Don't blame yourself."  I still don't know how or why I did that.  Then the Rafting leader hugged me and we cried.

Then I started getting frantic, hysterical… I was pacing pacing pacing.  I couldn’t be still.

I've tried to recreate the events from this point forth as they happened:

I'm pacing and talking out loud.  "No, this isn't happening.  We're buying two basset hound puppies when we get home.  We're getting married next year.  We're taking Nick to Arkansas this week.  No, this isn't happening.  I just got home.  Somebody wake me up.  I don't like this."  I can't sit down, I can't stop pacing trying to figure out what really just happened.  This can't be real.  IT CAN'T!!!!  THEY TOLD ME HE WAS OK.   THEY TOLD ME HE GOT PICKED UP.  He was right there.  He was right in front of me.  I could have grabbed him.  I could have swam over to him and grabbed him.  He was right there.  He was so close.

My Dad is pleading with the social worker, "Can't you sedate her?"  "No, she's doing what she needs to do."  Nick is saying over and over, "I love you Aunt Julie, I love you Aunt Julie."

I need a phone.  Someone give me a phone so that I can page Pat.  Pat fixes everything.  Pat will fix this.  Please, give me a cell phone.  It doesn't work… it doesn't work… there are too many boulders around or something.  Oh God, somebody help me get a hold of Pat.  I can't get this cell phone to work.

More questions from the officer.  What is his parent's address?   No… No… don't go to his parents house.  They're elderly.  Find his brother, Junior.  Find Junior.  Oh God, I forgot the city where Junior lives.  He works at NASA… I don't remember the company name… I can't think.   Don't go to his parents… whatever you do… don't go to his parents.   His sister Maria… she lives in Webster.  Find her.  Find Her.   Maria Montemayor.  Webster.  Don't go to his parents.

They're trying to get me to change out of my wetsuit.  No.   No.  No.  I don't want to.  I don't want to.  This is a dream.   This is just a nightmare.  I don't need to get out of this wetsuit, because I'm dreaming this.

Then the social worker asks me, "Do you want me to take you to him?"  I start crying.  Oh God, I don't want to see him dead.  He's not dead.  If I see him dead, then he'll really be dead.  I say, "Am I supposed to?"  She says, "It's whatever you need to do for closure."   In my ultimate moment of complete denial and cowardice, I say, "No, I don't want to see him dead."  I'm thinking he'll be stiff and cold, zipped up in a body bag in a metal drawer.  His eyes and mouth will be open.  I'm afraid.   Besides, this is all just a bad dream.  Can't someone wake me up???   Please!  Somebody wake me up!

Finally, they coax me into the white car.  I'm in a daze.   I can't figure out what just happened.  I just can't comprehend it.   We're at a building.  It looks like an old-style courthouse.  It's sheriff's department.  We are taken upstairs in a room with some desks and phones.   I don't want to change my clothes.  I don't want to take my suit off.  I have to call Pat.  I need to get Pat.  Pat fixes everything. The sheriffs department tells us NOT to call Jerry's family.  We can not call his family.  It is being handled through their local police department.

I page Pat frantically with 911s.  He calls back.  I'm crying.  Jerry's dead.  He needs to call Robert (Jerry's best friend).   Pat, don't tell Jerry's family.  We can't tell Jerry's family… they won't let us.

I call my sister.  "There's been an accident.  Nick's ok but Jerry's dead"  She's saying "Oh my God".  She's crying.

I call my boss, Kathy Roberts.  I'm crying.  She's saying, "Honey, what's the matter, tell me what's the matter."  I tell her.   She starts to cry.

No!  No!  I don't want to change out of my wetsuit.   Pacing, more pacing.  What is happening?  What is going on?  This can't be real.  This isn't real.  Oh God, what am I going to do?  What am I going to do?

Ok.  I'll change into my dry clothes.  They have my bag.   Another social worker walks me to a bathroom.  I'm in a haze.  I can't walk in a straight line.  I look at the woman and I tell her, "Gee, some job you have."  Why did I say this?  I go into the stall and put my jeans and sweatshirt on.

I'm back in the room with the phones and desks.  Someone is there to pick up my wetsuit.

I want to see our raft guide.  He's downstairs being questioned.  They take me to him.  I say, "I wanted to see if you were alright."  He looks up at me and says, "I have a wife.  I'm sorry.   I have a wife, and I don't know what I'd do if this happened to her."   Something like that… I can't remember.  We hold hands in silence.  I ask him if I am making him uncomfortable.  He says no, that it's ok.

Now they're putting me back in the car.  They take us to some sort of meeting hall.  There, the other rafters are waiting for us in a conference room.  The van is parked out front.  The rafts are tied up on a trailer.   Everyone is looking at me.  Why are we here?

I still have a social worker with me.  My Dad is asking the other rafters what they saw.  I hear bits and pieces.  "We did CPR."   and some other stuff.  I don't want to hear this.  This isn't happening.   Make them be quiet.  Make them be quiet.  I put my hands over my ears.   I start hyperventilating.  The social worker puts me in the bathroom.   She's helping me breath.  Deep breaths.  Deep breaths.

They put my Dad, nephew, and I in the backseat of the truck pulling the trailer with the rafts.  The raft leader is driving by himself in the front seat.   Dad is saying, "We'll fix this.  We'll fix this."  over and over.  He keeps trying to force my head to his shoulder.  I don't want it there.   I don't want it there.  Nick?  Are you ok?  "I love you Aunt Julie."  I say, "Did I not backpaddle right?  Was I not backpaddling right?"

We drive and drive for 2 hours back to Colorado Springs.  The river runs to our left.  I'm sitting in the middle of the backseat on the edge of the seat holding on to the back of the front seat.  I'm not crying.  I'm just staring.  I'm gripping the front seat like I'm on a carnival ride.  When am I going to get out of this truck?  When am I going to wake up?  I don't like this.   Dad is saying stuff.  I don't remember.  It's stuff like "We'll fix this.  I'll do anything for you."  I see tears running down the raft leader's face.  He puts his hand on his face a lot.  When am I going to get out of this truck?

We stop for gas.  I wander in the bathroom.  I'm in the bathroom.  What am I doing here?  What is happening?  Where am I?  I come out of the bathroom.  The people standing around stand aside as I walk out.   It's quiet.  No one is talking.  They're just staring at me.

We're driving again.  When am I going to get out of this truck?   It's getting dark.  It's starting to rain.  The road is winding.   Can't we drive any faster?

We get back to the rec center in Colorado Springs.  It's drizzling.  Where's Jerry's stuff?  Where's his wallet?  I need his baseball cap.  Somebody please find me his baseball cap.  Where is it?  I'm standing in the middle of the parking lot.  There are people all around.  A pretty woman walks up to me crying.  She says she's the wife of our raft guide.   I don't remember what she says to me.  I was crying.  She hugged me.   She said, "I'm so sorry."  I need Jerry's baseball cap.  I'm crying.  I'm standing in the middle of the parking lot in the rain yelling for someone to please find his baseball cap.

They put us back in the van.  They take us to some sort of hotel on the airforce base.  They put us in a sort-of apartment.  There is a chaplain there.  He's wearing a uniform.  Somebody asks if I want coffee.   No.  There's a phone on a desk.  Dad… Dad… call Uncle Rod.   He needs to go tell Mom.  Don't call Mom when she's at home alone.  Call Rod.  Can't get a hold of Rod.  Keep trying.

My sister, Christie.  She's on her way to Colorado Springs with her boyfriend, Mark.  Where's Christie?  Where is she?  It will get better when she gets here.  I need my sister.  I keep looking out the window for her.   It's dark and raining.

More pacing.  We're getting married next year.  We're buying two basset hounds when we get home.  We're going to name them Claude and Cleofus.  Jerry likes the name Cleofus.  The chaplain tells me that Cleopus (with a p) is a name from the bible.  He says "Did you know that?"   More pacing.  The chaplain is following me around the room as I walk circles around it.  He's trying to console me.  I show him pictures of Jerry on my digital camera.  He says he's a fine looking young man.  Look out the window.   Where's Christie?  She's on her way.

Air Force officials start coming in.  They're talking to my Dad.  I'm pacing.  Try to call Rod again.   It's getting late.   We need to call people.  We need to call people.  Where's Christie?   Call Aunt Mary instead.  Call Aunt Mary.  She'll go over and tell Mom.   Mary is there.  She's there.  She'll tell my Mom.  She'll go over there and tell my Mom.

We're moving.  They're putting us in a Red Roof Inn.  Why?   We get in another van.  We go to the lobby.  The chaplain is with us.   I'm hiding behind him.  I don't want the people in the lobby to see me.   They're staring because I'm crying.  Where's Christie?  Christie is here.   She's on her way down.

Oh God, there she is.  I grabbed her.  I'm crying and crying and crying.  Christie says she'll get me upstairs.  We'll go upstairs, ok?  We walk up the stairs.  Our rooms are too far apart.  We get a new room next to where Dad, Nick and Mark are sleeping.  They have his hat and his things!  They have his things!  Nick said, "Here, Aunt Julie, here's his shirt."  It's a shirt he bought in Hawaii when we went there last October.

I have his shirt.  I have his baseball cap.  I have his moneyclip.  Where's his wallet?  I need his wallet.  The police have his wallet.  We can't have it.

I'm in this room with Christie.  I can't sit down.  What just happened?  What just happened?  I don't understand.  Is this a dream?   Can't I just wake up?  Pacing.  More pacing.  I cling to Jerry's things.  I look at them.  Here are his things.  Where is he?  I stand in the corner of the room with my forehead pressed to the wall.  This isn't happening.

I need to call people.  I need to call.  Christie gets out her calling card.  We start to call people from a phone list I have.  I need to talk to Robert.  But it's 3 o'clock in the morning.  I need to call.  I don't remember what I said to Robert.

I need to call Becky (my best friend from high school).  Becky!   Becky!!!  Jerry's dead.  She's crying.

Call Greg and Maria in New York.  I need to tell them.  I don't remember what I said to them or what they said to me.

Keep calling people.  More pacing.  I walk outside.   It's cold.  Is there someplace way over there where I can jump in the water?   Is this jump from here enough to kill me?  I'll run. I'll run.  No, I can't leave Christie here.

I lay down on the bed.  When is morning going to get here?   I hug Jerry's shirt, cap, and money clip.  It can't be true that he'll never wear this cap again.  No, it can't be true.

Morning arrives.  We go to the airport.  I'm crying.   Christie is pulling me behind her by my hand.  Nick, Mark, and Dad are driving to Amarillo.  Dad lost his glasses in the river, and he can't see to drive.  I'm still holding Jerry's things.

We get on the plane.  I stop crying.  I don't cry on the plane.  I'm in a daze.  The clouds out there.  Which one is Jerry on?   When are we going to get there?

We land.  I start crying.  I'm in Houston.  I left Jerry up there.  Oh my God, I didn't bring him home.  I left him in Colorado.   Christie leads me off the plane by my hand.  I'm still holding Jerry's things.

My boss, Kathy, my friends, Jim and Pat… they're there waiting for me.  I see them and I start crying.  I can't move.  My feet won't move.   They're standing around me.  Kathy says, come on, let's go.

We get in Kathy's car.  She's parked on the roof.  She asked me where I wanted to go.  I don't know.  I don't know.  She says, "Why don't you call his family."  I guess they know by now.  They dial the number.  Maria answers the phone.  I start to cry.  She starts to cry.   She said, "Come over here and be with us."  I said ok.  I'm still holding Jerry's things.

Long drive to Friendswood from Intercontinental Airport.  I don't cry.  I'm in a haze.  I look down at the door the entire way.  What am I going to say to them?  I took Jerry away, now he's dead.  Why did I take him there?

We arrive at his parents house.  I see the familiar "Montemayor" family sign on the fence.  Oh my God.  This is happening.   This is really happening.  What am I going to say?  What am I going to say?

I have to be helped from the car.  I'm still holding Jerry's things.  The backgate opens.  Junior is coming towards me.  I freeze.   I cry.  I cry and cry and cry.  Everyone in the family is there.   They're all in there.  I'm here.  I'm alive.  I'm at Jerry's house and he's dead.  This doesn't make any sense at all.  It should have been me.

Junior helps me into the house.  Everyone is there.  I'm crying.  I sit down.  They take his things from me.  I tell them that Jerry may not have said it much, but he's loves every one of you.  He loves you all very much.  It was an accident.  It was an accident.  It was an accident.   I'm so sorry.  I'm so sorry.  I'm so sorry.  He was just a few feet from me.  I could have grabbed him.  It was an accident.  Junior is there.   He's trying to calm me down.

Christie gets the dentist she works for to prescribe a sedative.   I take it.  The rest of the day is a blur.  Junior, his wife, Melissa, Jerry's brother James, his wife Brenda, Christie, and I go to the funeral home close to his parent's house.  It smells funny.  There's a big room.  Kind of pale green.  That's where the viewing will be.  We go into an office.  We sit at the table.  I'm crying off and on.  Do we want a newspaper article?  Do we want a flower arrangement for the casket?  What kind of vault do we want to purchase?   I say, "Unsealed… we were watching the discovery channel one day… a show about mortuary science… they described what happens to the body in a sealed up vault.  Jerry said it was gross.  He didn't want to be sealed up."  I don't want cheap carnations for the top of his casket.

We go into the next room into a room full of caskets.  I'm crying.  This can't be real.  We really can't be looking for a casket for Jerry.   I like this one… the cherrywood one.  Jerry loved Cherrywood everything.   He would have liked this one.  It's expensive.  James and Brenda decide to go find one like it in The Woodlands.

We're in the car again.  We drive through cemeteries.  I'm sitting in the front seat with Junior.  He's holding my hand.  He asks me what I should be called in the obituary.  I start crying.  I said, "I don't know."  Junior starts crying.  Somebody suggests "fiancée".   But I don't have a ring.  We didn't buy a ring yet.  Yeah.  It'll say fiancée for me.

We find a Catholic cemetery in Dickinson.  Jerry's mom would like that.  It's hidden behind trees.  You can't see it from the highway.   We get in a van and wander around looking at plots.  Junior asks me what I think of this spot and that spot.  I like this spot here.  We picked his grave.   That's done.  The woman showing us plots says she had an 8-year old boy die.   She said we would need to consider counseling because we're just going through the motions right now, and it will get harder.  No.  It's can't possibly be worse than this.  That's not possible.

We're back at his parents house.  I collapse in the guest room.   Jerry's best friend Robert and Palance come in and wake me up.  I start crying and hysterically telling them what happened in the river.  They calm me down a little.  Palance makes me laugh a little.  We go out into the living room.   I think Bud is there.  Palance's wife is there.  They try to get me to eat.  I can't eat.  It hurts to swallow.

The next few days are sort of a blur.  My Mom and Dad came down.  Nick and Christie's boyfriend, Mark come down.

I get to pick out the pallbearers.  Maria tells me that I know better than anyone who Jerry's closest friends are.  Robert Favorite, of course.   Bill Metivier from Jerry's baseball team.  Palance Harris, our good friend from work.  Tim Long, another good friend from work who used to make Jerry laugh a lot.  Pat McCaffrey, another good friend from work who Jerry and I ran around a lot with on the weekends.  Bobby Mikeska, a close friend of the family that Jerry knew since he was a kid.

We go to Jerry's house to pick up some stuff for me, like a change of clothes.  There's our clean laundry all over the sofa right where we left it.   Junior and I pick out his clothes.  I want to bury him in his baseball uniform.  No, his mom wants a suit.  We choose his Navy Blue double-breasted suit that he bought for a wedding we went to in New York the year before.  A white dress shirt I had bought him.  It has a stain on it.  The tie will cover it.   I pick out a tie I bought him at the Metropolitan Museum of Art store.  Junior likes another one better.  Hey!  That's really Junior's tie.  We bought it for him for Christmas one year, and Jerry borrowed it and never gave it back.  Get his cowboy boots I bought him for Christmas.  He likes to wear boots with a suit.   Underwear.  I pick out some silly purple and blue striped Hanes I had bought him.  Socks.  I pick out the socks I had brought him from Australia.  They have pictures of wombats all over them with the words "Wombat Australia."   Jerry used to say, "I like wombats.  You know why?  Because I like saying the word: WOMBAT!"

I give Junior the watch that I bought for Jerry's last birthday.   I want someone whom Jerry loves to use it.  Jerry had wanted one for years.   It was a Movado Museum watch with a sapphire crystal face and a ceramic band… all black.  Jerry is so proud of that watch.

I go to the guest room and get a printout of an e-mail from Jerry that I keep in my jewelry box.  I tell Jerry, "The words are better than jewelry to me."  The e-mail was sent to me on Valentine's Day, 1995 while he was on a business trip to Puerto Allegre, Brazil.  In the e-mail, he tells me I'm his best friend.  At the end, he says "I love you."  That's the very first time he had ever told me.  I keep it in my jewelry box.  Yes, the one he gave me on my birthday in '93.  The one with the wedding bells on the top that plays the Wedding Song when you open it.  (He didn't realize they were wedding bells when he bought it.)

I hand it to Junior to read.  He doesn't say much.

Get his baseball glove and a ball.  He's going to need those.   We drop the stuff off at the funeral home.  Is he here?  She says yes, he's here, but he's not "ready" yet.  Where is he?  She says "He's here."  But where?  Which direction is he from where we're sitting???  She points to the back of the building.  He's here.  After 3 days, he's here.

I need to go to the office.  I need to go to the office to see if there's anything I need.  I go to his desk and take a few things.  I grab the miniature stuffed basset hound I gave him that he keeps on his monitor and won't let anyone touch.  The one he "pets" all the time.  I go to my desk.   Why am I at my desk?  What am I doing?

Back to the house.  I show a few family members the e-mail from Jerry.  Maria tells me she can't believe her brother wrote that.  They ask for copies.  I tell them as many as they like.

My sister Angie arrives from Illinois.

A priest comes over.  He takes Jerry's Mom and I in the next room.  He didn't know Jerry, but he's conducting the funeral mass for him.  Can we tell him some things about Jerry?  Jerry's Mom mentions that one time Jerry sneezed, and she said, "Bless you."  Jerry said to her, "That's ok.   God already blessed me with a Mom like you."  I mention how generous he was with this friends and family.  I don't know what to say.  I'm babbling.   I show him the copy of the e-mail from Jerry.

Thursday night before the viewing.  I'm writing him a letter.   I can't keep my eyes open.  I took some more pills.  I don't know what I'm saying in the letter.  A lot of "I love yous".

Friday morning.  The viewing.  I'm very nervous.  I slept because of the pills.  I wake up crying.  I can't stop shaking.  I'm crying.  We arrive at the funeral home at 8AM.  An 8x10 picture of Jerry and I is sitting on the table in the foyer.  There's also another picture of Jerry by himself.

This was the very worst moment in my entire life.  This was it.   The hardest thing I've ever had to do is walk up to that casket.  Junior is holding my hand.  I see Jerry's hair and his forehead.  I'm in a haze.  We get up to the casket.  I blurt out, "He's not in there!"  Why did I say that?

There I stand all day with a few breaks.  He is alone in there.   I left him alone in Colorado.  I can't walk away from him.  He's hard and cold.  His color is greyish putty.  I saw my grandmother dead last year.   Why was she so pink?  Jerry's lips are crooked.  His hair is all wrong.   Didn't they look at the pictures I brought them?  Someone plucked out all his grey eyebrow hairs.  Why did they do that?  He looks uncomfortable, like his head is tilted up too high.  He smells awful.  But worst of all, his neck is so swollen, his earlobes are sticking straight out.  Oh my God!!!!  Did he break his neck?  Oh my Jerry, did he break his neck?  Did he suffer?  The funeral home lady tells me it was swelling caused by the autopsy.  There was nothing they could do.

He's so hard and cold.  I've never touched a dead person before.  I reach out and touch his hand with the back of my hand.  It's cold and kind of weird.  Then I touch his hand with my finger tips.  I can't look at his face.  That doesn't look like him.  His hands look the same, except his fingertips are wrinkled.  I keep looking at his hands.  They've got a rosary in his hands.  Everything is hard and cold.  I find one soft spot on his hand.   It's the flesh between his thumb and forefinger.  I stroke it.  Oh God.   His skin doesn't go back into place.  I don't stroke it so hard then.   I'm touching him more.  I touch his face.  I stroke his eyebrows.  I touch his lips.  I try to fix his hair.  I feel his chest.  There's a ridge across it.  Why?  Oh, must be the autopsy cut.  I wonder if they shaved off his chest hair.  I peak under the little cloth that hides him from the waste down.   He just has his socks on… they tell us it was too difficult to get his boots on… stiffness.  I squeeze his forearm.  I warm his hands.

There I stand most of the day.  I can't walk away.  I put his mini stuffed basset hound on the lid of the casket in front of him.  I put my letter for him by the left side of his pillow.

At one point, his Mom walks up to the casket.  She touches his eyes and says, "ojos de mi hijo."  (Eyes of my son)  Then she says to me, "You'll find another man."  I reach out and pat Jerry on the stomach.   I say, "But I want this one."

His Aunt walks up to the casket.  I can't remember her name.   Her husband is Eddie.  She says he doesn't have enough rosaries.  He needs more crucifixes.  He needs one (and she points) here, here and here close to his heart.  She tells me she believes in the crucifix.  She says, "See?   I keep one close to my heart."  She opens her dress and pulls open her bra and shows me the crucifix she has pinned inside her bra.  I can see her boob.   I have a sudden feeling that Jerry was watching down on this and laughing.

Our friend Patrick Wolf shows up with his friend Tom.  Tom steps up and says, "I dried off this morning with the towels you guys gave us for our wedding shower."   I'm thinking, "What?"  It makes me chuckle.  I feel like Jerry's laughing again.

Melissa's son, Ryan, writes Jerry a note and puts it in his suit pocket.  Jerry's nephew Mark walks up to the casket and waves his hands around above Jerry's face.  He said, "I'm feeling Jerry's angel."  Junior walks up every now and then.  We whisper when we talk.  We pick lint off Jerry's suit.

People start filing in.  Flowers start coming in.   Beautiful flowers.  So many, they stretch around the back of the room.   They're running out of space, and have to start putting them in the foyer.  My friend Tonya brings me a rose and a card.

Dianna Gay asks me if there's anything she can do.  I blurt out, "I need his wallet.  Somebody needs to find me his wallet."  She comes back and tells me the police in Colorado still have it.

From 8 AM until 6PM I stand at the casket, warming his hands, fixing his hair, talking to him like he hears me.  I have a few breaks.  At one point, I start shaking so hard, they have to start stuffing me full of donuts.  I hear someone say, "If she hasn't eaten, her blood sugar is probably low."

I'm not crying much.  I wonder why.

It's 6:00PM.  It's time for the rosary service.  There are 2 priests there…  The room is filling up.  His best friend Robert finally arrives and walks up to the casket.  I jump up and go up behind him.  He's trying not to cry.  I see the tears dripping out.  He wipes them away.  He pulls an over-sized golf tee out of his pocket.  He says to Jerry, "Here ya go, buddy," and he puts the tee in his suit pocket.

We sit down for the service.  I'm sitting between Palance and Robert in the front row.  Then Jerry's old high school girlfriend, Virginia comes in and speaks with Maria who is sitting further down the row.  I'm wondering how strange she must feel.  She and Jerry were very close and were together for 5 years.

The priest speaks.  He mentions my name.  The rosary starts.  Jerry's aunt leads.  She is kneeling at his casket.  It's over too soon.  Is that all?  Is that all?  They walk us out the side door so that everyone can file up and see him.  We wait in the foyer.  I don't want to greet anyone.  I hide around the corner.

Then my heart starts pumping like it's going to jump out of my throat.  Oh God, I only have a few more minutes.  I only have a few more minutes to see him.  I'll never see him again after this for the rest of my life.  The rest of my LIFE.  Never ever again.  Oh God what am I going to do????     Junior is holding my hand again.  I make sure Robert is with us.   He's family too.  We all walk back up to the casket.  I'm crying really hard.  I put his little stuffed dog on his chest.  I kiss Jerry's hand, his forehead, and his head.  I say, "I love you, goodbye Sweetie."  And I turn and leave him with his parents.  I'm thinking, they brought him into this world, they should send him out.

I can't hold up.  I can't hold up.  We're in the foyer now.  Robert is holding on to me.  I'm facing a wall crying hysterically.   Robert says, come on, let's go.  We go out to the parking lot.  We're standing around… a bunch of our friends.  Tim Long starts telling funny stories.   I'm laughing.  How can I be laughing?  Jerry's dead in a casket right inside that building, and I'm out here laughing.  He tells us a funny story about a guy falling off his motorcycle in slow motion.  I'm bent over laughing.  I think Jerry's watching this laughing too.

The funeral is Saturday.  Limousines pick us up.  I've never been in a limousine before.  We go to the church.  Where's Jerry?   The funeral home has already brought his casket to the church.  We sit in the limousine and watch all the people walking in.  They can't see us, our windows are tinted too dark.  I see his coworkers walking in.

Once everyone is in the church, we walk in the foyer.  There's the casket.  It's pretty, I think.  It has some dew collected on the top.   I wipe it off with a Kleenex.  I put my arm around it.  Jerry's in there.   I can't picture it.

The funeral is starting.  The casket is being wheeled up the middle aisle.  We follow it, then sit in the front to rows on the left.  It's a funeral Mass.  Traditional.  It's over too fast I think.  Can't they say more?  Can't we stay here a little longer?  I don't want to put him in the ground now.  I don't want to bury him now.  Can we have just another service?   Can we have just one more day?

The pallbearers surround the casket and walk it out.  The family and I follow.  I'm crying.  I stand and watch the pallbearers lift the casket into the back of the hearse.  I touch it, then I get in the limousine.

I watch the trees go by.  I watch Jerry's casket in front of us.

At the cemetery, the pallbearers lift the casket out of the hearse and put it on supports over the grave.  It looks like it's heavy to carry.
I sit in the front row of chairs under the canopy in front of Jerry's casket.  The priest begins the service.  It's over.  It's over.  It was too short.   This can't be it.  I don't want to go.  The family is told to return to the limousine.  We're sitting in the limousine.  People are still standing around the cemetery.  Jerry's casket is sitting out there alone.  I gotta get out of here.  I can't let him sit out there alone.  I get out of the limousine and stand by the casket.  Junior and Robert follow me.  They say the family has to be the first to leave so that everyone can follow us to their house.  No!  I want to be the last one here.  Make everyone else leave.  I want us to be the last ones to say goodbye.  Junior and Robert make the people go ahead and leave.

Junior, Robert and I stand there.  Junior says, "Did you feel that breeze?  Every time I think of Jerry, I feel a breeze."  I look at Robert.  I say, "Say goodbye Robert."  Robert says, "Goodbye, buddy.  Save me a seat up there."  I kiss his casket 3 times and say I love you sweetie.

We turn and we leave the casket out there alone.

I ride to Jerry's parents house with Robert in his truck.  He plays a song on the radio called "How Bizarre".  I'm thinking, "Yeah, how bizarre."
 

Further Information I found out later

Through newspaper stories, my Dad, and the police report, I later found out that the lady standing on the boulder over the raft that flipped us had video taped the whole accident, including Jerry going around the bend, almost making it to shore twice and then disappearing under another rapid… not to surface.  This video tape remains in an evidence locker in Chaffee County, Colorado.

The other rafters couldn't find him for a long time.  Finally they spotted him in some calmer water face down.  They pulled him out of the water.   Two did CPR while the others rowed to shore to get him an ambulance.  They took him to a local clinic.  From what I gathered from the medical bills, they tried several times to start his heart.

I have the swimtrunks he died in.  They were the swimtrunks we bought for him for our Hawaii trip.  They are all cut-up from the paramedics.   They have blood stains on them.  I don't know why.

Because he had died on government park property, a mandatory autopsy was performed.  It did not report any broken bones, head injuries, cuts or bruises.   He simply drowned.  The bottom of his death certificate reads:   "Death consistent with drowning."

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