December 31, 1997 - January 1, 1998: So JOHN (known aliases: goth boi, angst spice, chihuahua boi) doesn't bother to get tickets to the big New Year's Eve doings at Die Maschine Cabaret, and despite his assurances that he could get us in because he "knew the bouncers" (don't you think I should have known better, really?), well...we ended up at his friend Kevin's place, where I got very, very drunk...and even better, I did it for free. (Mmmmm...rye and coke, I love you...) Then, Kevin, Tara, Aleta, Genievieve, Fred, Susan, Craig, Mel, John, and I headed out for Die Maschine, about a twenty minute walk, slipping and sliding on the ice the whole way. We crossed a bridge over the Assinoboine River, and I stopped to watch some kids playing hockey - something I had quite obviously never seen in Texas. Mel and Susan had tickets, lucky bastards. The rest of us huddled in the cold by the back fire door of the club, breathing into cupped palms. 10 minutes later, the fire door flies open and Mel pulls us inside and up the staircase, where I immediately melted into the crowd on the dance floor. Exhilarating enough when sober, but a true coup de grace on a night when tickets were 25 bucks a pop. Made friends quickly when people saw I was smoking American Marlboro reds, lol. Someone placed some beautiful silver sequined glasses on my face, but I lost them coz they fell off while I was dancing. At midnight, I kissed a boi who looked like Robert Smith. Though I really wanted to kiss John, he was nowhere to be found. All in all, a jolly good time was had by all. I woke up the next afternoon back at Kevin's apartment, on the living room floor. I got up, walked into the bedroom, and found John scrunched somehow between his ex-whore Olivia, and Mel...decided I would ask no questions. I proceeded to clean up the living room and finish off everyone's drinks from the night before to numb myself a bit.

January 26, 1998: My car is fixed. My folks Fed Exed me my birth certificate so I can get back into the States, go down to South Dakota and pick it up. From there, I'm leaving for Illinois...but I'll be back. Not sure when, but I will...

THE TALLY

IRC'ers met in Winnipeg: newjoy (John), terje (Neil), Vector Audax (Kelly)
Fun to be had: I figure, if you're going to take a break from your life and escape reality, you might as well change your appearance a bit. So, I got an ear cartilage piercing, and a DRASTIC haircut (John did it), and I dyed it raspberry. It looks mighty cool.

ok, not THAT cool, since it faded to orange...:P

February 1, 1998: Joellyn!! Hey, did you know there is not another single person in all of Bloomington, Illinois, with raspberry hair? I'm serious, too...what the hell kind of college town is this? Okay, we went to Chicago by ourselves since Mark flaked out on us - and promptly got lost. Saw the Shedd Aquarium and Navy Pier and ummm...some of the local culture, like the area with the bars on all the windows. *scary* Drove across Illinois to Western Illinois University to see Air Wair, aka wairy. What a perfect gentleman - he offered me his bed to sleep in, and he offered to take the floor. I wasn't having any of that - he was cute in a sort of nerdy way! So - ha ha! - we shared. Then, I drove back to Bloomington, and Joey and I spent some serious quality time with a couple bottles of 100 proof Southern Comfort and went to go see Spice World. (yes, I have a *total* Spice Girls fetish). Let's see...it was us, approximately 150 screaming girls between the ages of 8 and 14 along with their moms, and one nasty old wanker in the back row. *shiver* Tomorrow I start my 30 hour drive to Montreal...

Joey pretending to be coral at the Shedd Aquarium!!!

THE TALLY

IRC'ers met in Illinois: cheekies (Joellyn), chiboy (Mark), wairy (John)
Total violations of the law: 1 - a speeding ticket in Minnesota :)
More fun to be had: went to Reigning Color Tattoo Studio and got a celtic knot on my right shoulder. It looks even cooler than my hair.

Return to Winnipeg, Part II

February 4, 1998: In which Modern Angel plots and schemes to kidnap chihuahua boi. (Damn, I'm SPOOKY)
I called John from Bloomington to confess that I missed him, and impulsively offered to come back and pick him up if he would like to continue on my trip with me. He said, "I have to work". I said, "quit your job - I've got money to spare". He said yes. *cheer* So, I went back to Winnipeg from Illinois to pick him up. Hey, I was getting lonely in the car and he keeps me ummm...entertained with his many personalities. When I crossed the border this time, the Canadian customs guy said, "You're back?" I grinned and told him I was coming to retrieve my friend and we were going traveling together. He just shook his head and sighed...I made it into Winnipeg at about 3 o'clock in the morning, and found John and some whore-ish friend of his sitting on his bed smoking weed. Hmmmmmm...ok, I'll ignore that. Told John we were waiting until he got paid the next day to leave again. He was disappointed - he wanted to leave right then. Fucking wanker. I kicked the whore out, whoever she was, and we went to sleep. I'm financing this trip, the least he can contribute is his last paycheck. Off we go...

February 5, 1998: John and I tried to cross the border into the States today. *I've* never had a problem yet - hell, the Canadian and American customs officers and I are on a first name basis now! But...they had a little problem with John. 7 years ago when he was 18, he ripped off a $3 magazine from a convenience store. So, the great United States of America doesn't want the likes of him in the country. *grrrrrr* AND, to top it ALL OFF...when American customs searched my car, they took John's Smarties that he left in the front seat. Well...I had my heart set on this trip...maybe we should cross Canada instead...

Sunglasses Spice!!!

February 6-8, 1998: The Trans-Canada Highway...*screeeeech*
Two lanes of opposing traffic, the equivalent of a rural state highway at home. Have these people never heard of multi lane interstates???! The only road that crosses the whole country. 90 klicks per hour (about 55 mph...sloooooooow). "Moose X-ing" signs, can you believe it??! 30 hours of pure unadulterated HELL for a leadfoot like me. Hell with great scenery, though. I cried driving around Lake Superior, it was so beautiful. We had to rely on the kindness of strangers (again!). I lost my bank card in an ATM machine in Thunder Bay, Ontario. The clerk who was working at the convenience store where it happened called his parents, who let us stay overnight at their house until the bank could send someone to get it out the next morning.

TALLY

Total violations of the law: 1 speeding ticket (John's, not MINE - I'm a good grrl...right), 1 warning (Would you step out of the vehicle please, sir? Are you having a problem with authority today, sir? Are you carrying any drugs in that car?)
This trip isn't fun anymore: ugh, this car reeks of smoke coz it's too damn cold to crack the windows...can't wait to get to Toronto.

February 9, 1998: Toronto...the promised land! This city kicks ass on everywhere else I have ever been in my entire life. John was born here and lived here until he was 12, so he remembered enough to show me around a bit. First thing we did was find an Internet cafe so we could talk to everyone back in the 'Peg. Are we addicted, or what? Then we went to go see his grandparents - yeah, they were thrilled by me, I'm sure. But on to what we really came here to do...I highly recommend a club called Limelight. It's a three level place: the first level is pretty much dance music, the second level is the voyeur level, where people can stand and watch the dancers below, and the third level is Gothic and industrial music. Went window shopping on Queen Street and saw Much Music (Canadian equivalent of MTV) headquarters, and rummaged through some vintage clothing and Gothic clothing stores, but decided to save the money for other things, namely food (though there was a pair of boots that I considered selling John to the Gypsies for - don't think I would have gotten much, though). Saw the CN Tower, but I wasn't paying 12 bucks to go up there. Off to Montreal now to see the mastah mack, emk...

Skank Spice!!!

February 10, 1998: Metinnnnnnnnnnn...Metin eats toast with cheese whiz and bananas for breakfast. And *I* got a picture. And I'm gonna put makeup on him, and I'm gonna put a leash on him, and I'm gonna take lots and lots more PICTURES. He said I could if I would try poutine, but I know I will prevail, muhahahahahaha. Moan all you want Metin, I'm not trying that shit. For those of you who are uneducated with regards to this Canadian delicacy, poutine is French fries covered with brown gravy and cheese curds. Sounds yummy, eh? In fact, you can make your fries poutine at Burger King for a mere $1.49 extra.

Yum.

IRC'ers met in Montreal: emk (Metin), guggi (Derek)
Total violations of the law: None! Hmmm...something has to happen soon...

My two favorite Canadian men

Decided to stop in Ottawa, the Canadian capital, on the way back.. It went like this: we came to a fork in the highway, and John starts yapping like a chihuahua, "Ottawa or Toronto, Ottawa or Toronto??!" I yelled back, "*I* don't know, YOU decide!" So he decided...in favor of Ottawa. We spent about 6 miserable hours there trying to determine if there was any kind of scene happening, and there wasn't. So we split. End of story. :)

GO TO SAVAGE GARDEN
GO TO SAVAGE GARDEN
GO TO SAVAGE GARDEN

And while you're there ladies, get really drunk and lean up against the speakers in the corner of the dance floor. You just might see what I mean. Anyways, Pon, Irene, Monica, and ummm...don't remember anyone else's name...you people are cool.
However, it wasn't all fun and games this time around...John and I had a rather large fight, stemming from two things, the first being that JUST BECAUSE I LET YOU DRIVE MY CAR DOESN'T MEAN YOU CAN TAKE IT WITHOUT ASKING WHILE I'M ASLEEP TO GO SEE SOME CHICK YOU MET THE NIGHT BEFORE. There. I feel a little better. So, I called the Toronto Police and reported the car stolen, hoping they would pull him over in it. Didn't happen, though.

The second thing is, it is no secret if you have been reading this page and you have half a brain that John is ummm...important to me. I had decided awhile back that I needed to return home to Texas, we talked long and hard, tried to figure out how he could go with me and what the consequences would be. Didn't get anywhere - that same stolen magazine that kept him out when he was just trying to visit would crop up again if he tried to apply for resident alien status. We could get around it if we got married, but as much as I loved him, I didn't trust him enough for that, even though he had asked. Still, I wasn't *quite* ready to break the ties. Right. So I extended my trip...invited him to come with me, coz let's face it, I need him *so* bad, and what does he do???! He picks up the first grrl he finds attractive. The rest of the story doesn't need to be spread all over the Web, but suffice it to say it wasn't pretty, and it culminated in a screaming fight on the side of the Trans-Canada Highway, somewhere in Ontario, at 3 o'clock in the morning. I take some of the responsibility...while I was in Illinois I snuggled with wairy, before I went back to get John, and that made him rather angry when I told him about it. But it doesn't negate the car incident, or what happened later that night. Suffice it to say, revenge sex is not pretty, and everyone ends up even more hurt than they were before.

THE TALLY

Fun to be had: Got my nose pierced, and dyed my hair red and John's hair purple. Mine looks better.

Smirk Spice!!!

Winnipeg the cesspool, Part III

February 18 - March 4, 1998: DESCENT INTO HELL.

This city is a black hole, I swear. It doesn't want me to leave...well, I brought John back, and of course I can't go back to Texas because I'm all out of ca$h. I'm broke and hungry and thank God for Shawna and her mom for letting me stay with them, since John is off doing who knows what with god knows who. My priorities are all out of whack, dammit - I sold my *entire* CD collection, some 400+ CD's, to get enough money to stay here for just a little longer and not have to go home. Shawna gave me the contents of an entire change jar for gas money. I sold pizza slices for a few nights at Die Maschine and got paid in cash for that. My car needs new tires if I'm ever gonna get home. I don't know what to do.

My parents just wired me money to come home and go back to school and/or work. I think I will stop in Houston before going home to Ft. Worth though...see what's on my friend Stan's mind. He just wrote me an interesting email...said he loved me. Let's see, what am I going to miss most about Canada? This place and certain people have been my home for 3 months now...hands down, no contest, it will be John. Though perogies with onions and sour cream *may* run a close second. So after many tears and "aching looks and breaking hearts" on both our parts, I bid him goodbye yesterday morning...and now I want to curl up and die. A 20+ hour drive, and the only thing that ever emanted from my car speakers the entire time was "Letter to Elise", courtesy of a tape John made me, since I have no more CD's...

THE TALLY

Total violations of the law: 11 - count 'em, ELEVEN - parking tickets in Winnipeg. 1 speeding ticket in Missouri. Another one in Oklahoma.
Fun to be had: dyed my hair black before I left - it fits my mood (how very pretentiously Gawthik), and figure I have a better chance of getting a job when I get home with a color found in nature.

The End - at least, I think so...

EPILOGUE

March 19-21, 1998

Help me, sweet Jesus...I'm going quite literally mad without John...so he invited me to come back for a few days...so I did. He had moved in with his friend Gord, and we spent one lovely night together...and don't ask me how, but then things went really, really...wrong. I accused him of not loving me, when he has said time and time again he does. And...he went and spent the rest of the night in the closet...and then in the morning he asked me to leave, and not to return his phone calls, and not to respond to his email, and God...what have I done to deserve this...

April 19, 1998

I have a job now. I have an apartment, too. Life is settling back to normal, such as it ever was. John and I are speaking again, but everything is weird...almost as though we're trying to pick up where we left off on the Internet and pretend we never met at all??? This is sick...how is it possible to be so obsessed with another person? I am crazy without him...we each have so many separate problems, not the least of which is a total fear of committment on his part, and a total fear of being alone on mine...hmmm, is acknowledging my failing the first step towards beating it?...

May 12, 1998

It's all going to be...okay? Tonight, John just asked me to marry him when I finish school! He might not want that on the Web...like I give a shit. And I can't think of anything I want more in the world...

June 24, 1998

HOW FAR THE MIGHTY HAVE FALLEN

When I look back over the time that I have known and loved John, it seems like so much longer. I'm not sure if that's good or bad...when you're in love with someone, aren't you supposed to be able to look at that person and wonder where all the time went? I think that might have been a large part of our problem - I COULDN'T look at him through a telephone, or through e-mail. I know exactly where all the time went...and though this episode of my life will seem like nothing when I am old and grey, now that we have broken up for good I feel like an era has come to an end. Life WILL go on. I'm just not sure if any of it was worth it...only time will tell...

"...when my eyes have been so red, I've been mistaken for dead..."

June 29, 2000

So you thought the story was over????? You snuck out of the theater while the credits were rolling, did you?

3 days ago, I brought into the world a very healthy 8 pound, 5 ounce baby girl, named Kaitlin Rose Bolander, the result of a rebound relationship when I came back from Canada over two years ago. Yes, it was a long rebound. I won't bore you with the details. I just wanted to say that...in a way, Kaitlin's birth is my birth too...or rather, re-birth. In two days, she will go home with her parents...in 6 months, the adoption will be final. In my last posting, I stated that only time would tell if any of it had been worth it. I have a beautiful baby girl. For the next few days, I will cradle her in my arms, and begin to say goodbye, and feel my heart splinter...but I have this to say, and then this saga officially comes to an end...

"There's only us, there's only this...FORGET REGRET, or life is yours to miss."