Once there were two women, who never knew each other
One you do not remember, the other you call mother

Two different lives shaped to make yours one
One became your guiding star, the other became your sun

The first gave you life, and the second taught you to live it
The first gave you a need for love, and the second was there to give it

One gave you a nationality, the other gave you a name
One gave you the seed of talent, the other gave you an aim

One gave you emotions, the other calmed your fears
One saw your first sweet smile, the other dried your tears

One gave you up - it was all that she could do
The other prayed for a child, and God led her straight to you

And now you ask me through your tears, the age old question through the years
Heredity or Environment - which are you the product of?

Neither my darling, neither - Just two different kinds of love.

-Anonymous

My story

On June 26, 2000, I gave birth to a healthy baby girl whom I named Moira Caitlin (subsequently re-named Kaitlin Rose). Not being prepared mentally or emotionally to raise a child at the time, I sought the services of Catholic Charities and made an adoption plan with a local family. I took great pains to educate myself about the process. I took advantage of the free counseling. I read books - lots and lots of books. Dear Birthmother, Children of Open Adoption, The Open Adoption Handbook - you name it, I sat in the comfy chairs at the local Barnes & Noble and read it. I took my baby home from the hospital and spent 5 days with her before relinquishing her to her new family. I knew these 5 days had to be very difficult for her new adoptive family - they must have been terrified that I would change my mind once I got her home. But I didn't change my mind. My parents, brother and sister, and my other daughter Tara and I loved her and held her and said our goodbyes. When her parents came to pick her up, I sobbed as her new dad hugged me and told me that I need never worry about her, that she would have everything she ever needed or wanted. I felt proud as her new mom thanked me for the precious gift of their daughter. Though we had made a plan for an open adoption, we didn't discuss the details of how it would work. We all knew that while adoption is a legal process, openness in adoption is not. It rests on moral ground, a voluntary agreement between birth mother and adoptive parents. In Texas, the information about the birth mother is still blacked out of the court records, even if the birth mother chooses to disclose that information. To tell the truth, my family and I were terrified that once her new parents got her home, that would be the last we'd see of Kaitlin.

The reality

Fast forward over four years later, and the reality is, I have the best open adoption that I have ever read of or heard about. Not everyone is as lucky as we are. I am so grateful for Kaitlin's family - they are amazingly secure about the openness of our adoption, and they have never withheld contact. They have become part of our family. My parents get to be Grandma and Grandpa. Heather and Tim get to be aunt and uncle, and Kaitlin's parents have made a great effort to foster the bond of sisterhood between Tara and Kaitlin. It's not, however, completely without tension. I have learned through experience that this adoption is to be an ongoing process, and not a one time event that was over when her family took her home, or when the court finalized the adoption and sealed the original birth certificate. Kaitlin's mom is much closer to my mom than she is to me - that's to be expected, since they are closer in age to each other and now have shared child raising experiences to talk about. Sometimes I feel like I am just a source of information - about my pregnancy, about Kaitlin's birth father's family, etc. Sometimes I resent the closeness between my parents and Kaitlin's parents. Sometimes I feel left out in the cold. Sometimes I wonder why the burden of contact lies solely with me: why, if I want to know about Kaitlin, do I have to call and ask? Why can't they call me and talk? But, I also know that these are my issues, and that I was never promised that I would feel good all the time about my decision. I think about the direction my life has taken in the last few years, and try to imagine finishing college, meeting my husband, and getting married with a toddler on my hip. None of it would have happened the way it has. So, I still know I did the right thing. Kaitlin is now 4 years old, the spitting image of me as a little girl. Two years ago, she, her little brother Joe, and their parents moved to Atlanta, Georgia to expand the family business, and my husband and I visited them for a week two summers ago. Upon our return, we discovered that we were expecting a child of our own! Our son Gabriel was born April 8, 2004, and he has been a true blessing and an angel in every way. So far there hasn't been any indication from Kaitlin's family that there will be a sibling relationship between Kaitlin and Gabriel the way there is between Tara and Kaitlin, but nonetheless, we are all family. A big, happy, creatively created family. In the words of Dickens, "God bless us every one."

adoption links...

Catholic Charities of Dallas

Adoption.com...Where Families Come Together

Adoption Option Chat Room real time Java chat for birth parents and future adoptive parents

Adopting.org Assistance, Information, Support for Independent Adoption, Open Adoption, and International Adoption

Let's go BACK.

Hosted by www.Geocities.ws