For Immediate Release

Jeremy speculates his stalker hides in bushes, like those pictured, while watching him lounge about.
Graphic courtesy of a massive google search.

SALT LAKE CITY, Utah -- "Something is lurking out there in the darkness," Jeremy Seeley announced at an imaginary press conference earlier this morning. "And this time, it's not a man."

Seeley said he was exstatic at the possibility of being stalked by someone of the opposite gender. Earlier this year, Seeley reported he was being stalked at work by a man -- his first stalker.

"My male stocker was creepy and sort of manly," Seeley said. "That's not how a guy's first anything should be. Things are really looking up. I heard muffled voices in the bushes outside my window, and they sounded feminine. A human female was so enamoured by me that she risked thorn prick and bite of a tick to catch a glimpse of me."

Although Seeley said he was still a little creeped out, he didn't want to let the new stalker down. "I took off my shirt and swaggered around like a love-struck bantam," he said.

Although Seeley's enthusiasm for his new found admirer, many remain skepticle of the situation.

"It just doesn't add up," said TeLisk Ope. I never see anyone in his bushes and I've been watching his house for weeks. Er, um. I mean.... Crap!"

Besides Jeremy's own assertations, some physical evidence of the stalker has surfaced.

"I found a Chocodile wrapper in the bushes this morning," Seeley said. "That alone would indicate the presence of a large male, however, I also found celery stalks and traces of ranch dressing."

"In my opinion, the Chocodile wrapper was anomolous," said Estel Thiegurl, a forensic scientist. "It was probably dropped by the girl stalker's stalker. The celery is what matters."

"I find an interesting correlation between the food stuff and the nocturnal activites," said Tom Peeping, a friend of Jeremy's. "I think it no coincidence that the stalker left stalks. The "perp"(indicating quotation marks with his fingers)left ranch because she is from a farm and Chocodile is a play on chocolate and crocodile. The logical conclusion is plain as day."

Hyde Intree, a logic expert, was utterly confused by Peepings remarks and filed a formal request to have the word "logic" and any variations of this word stricken from Peepings vocabulary.

"When Seeley's male stalker, whose existence I do not doubt, "left" Jeremy," said Jean Luc Voyeur, Seeley's psychologist, "he left a void -- albeit a welcome void -- in Seeley's structured, controlled existence. Now he has filled that void with delusion. He is just a lost little boy without a mommy."

"I know there are a lot of doubters out there," Seeley said, "But I know and my stalker knows. And that makes two of us."

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