For Immediate Release

Jeremy Seeley narrowly escaped with his life after incurring the wrath of Santa Claus after he celebrated Christmas early. Santa's retribution inspired shock and awe.
Photo courtesy of the website from which it was pirated.

SALT LAKE CITY, Utah -- Sitting serenely at his work station, area man Jeremy Seeley looks like a man at peace, but secretly, he lives in fear. It is neither the threat of terrorist attacks nor the epidemic flu that tortures Seeley's easily frightened constitution; it is a jolly elf and eight tiny reindeer.

"Santa tried to kill me," said Seeley. "He brought me a new job for Christmas, but it came a little early. When I went to work on December 1, Santa got really mad and started blowing stuff up."

At the direction of his boss, Seeley started his job at the Utah Department of Workforce Services on Monday, more than three weeks before the acceptable date for opening Christmas presents.

Professor Holly Boughs, the world's foremost expert on Christmas etiquette said Seeley made a common mistake. "Most people think that because the big sales start on the Friday after Thanksgiving, the whole Christmas season starts, too," said Boughs. "That is simply not true. Some of the extremist holiday fanatics, like Santa, consider abuse of what they call 'the Season' a capital offense."

Although Seeley escaped Santa's attack with just a few scrapes, he said his hopes of getting something good for Christmas, have been dashed to pieces. "I will never hop down the stairs in my bunny pajamas on Christmas morning the same way again," he said.

"That's probably a good thing," said Seeley's alternate personality, The Great Machismo.

Santa refused to comment on his actions, but Poy Enty Years, a senior elf at North Pole, Inc. said, "This is just the beginning. We will be enforcing our capitalistic influence control policies with ever increasing brutality."

�It has always been my personal creed that one should never mess with Santa. I just wanted to do my job and help some people find work," Seeley said. "And I needed to pay rent. I guess I figuratively stepped on the big man's toes, now there�s a tummy jiggling like a bowl full of jelly and it�s headed my way. I�m really scared. I guess I finally learned the truth behind that old song: �He knows when you are sleeping. He knows when you�re awake. He knows when you�ve been bad or good, so you better be good for goodness sake.� He's coming to town!�

--30--