For Immediate Release

Pollen globs, like these invaded Seeley's body recently.
Graphic courtesy of a massive Google search.

SALT LAKE CITY, Utah -- �Their in my eyes!� a hysterical Jeremy Seeley screamed while convulsively rubbing his bloodshot eyes. �They�re in my nose, my throat, my mouth, too! Help me!� Seeley�s nose was red and raw; face contorted by the inevitable sneeze.

�Oh the humanity!� a passerby gasped as she was sprayed by deflected sneeze goo.

It was a scene of horror, fit for a Haz-Mat crew sponsored by Kleenex when allergy season yielded an invasion of miniscule pollen monsters. They spread through the air like the Mormon Crickets of yore, infesting every corner of the Salt Lake Valley.

"This year's pollen count is way up," said Matt Eorollojous, a weather man for channel 207. "Some people are really suffering."

"Suffering would not adequately describe my situation," Seeley said. "I have been violated by tiny, floating pollen monsters."

Seeley said he is taking medicine to fight off the attacks, but the pollen broke through his first-line defense before causing an overly-extreme auto-immune response.

"The monsters broke through our facial front, temporarily," said Seeley. "Fortunately, with a hasty bilateral counterattack, Alavert and I were able to drive back the invasion."

Stamen Pistle, spokesperson for Pollen Producing Plants (PPP), said Seeley has exagerated the situation.

"Trees and plants are just trying to follow nature's progression," Pistle said. "We have the divinely ordained right to reproduce. If a few people get sneezy for a few months, well, we consider that an acceptable loss."

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