For Immediate Release

The mud of the North Sea off the German coast cannot compare in murkiness to Jeremy Seeley's announced graduation. Photo courtesy of Jeremy

LOGAN, Utah -- Journalism student Jeremy Seeley will graduate May 3, 2003 with a Bachelors Degree from Utah State University, it was announced here Thursday. The announcement, given by the College of Humanities, Arts and Social Sciences, delivered a both a shock and a message of hope to faculty and students at the university.

"You always hear about this sort of thing," said a professor under condition of anonymity. "I mean, you see it on T.V., but you never think it can happen to you. That such a student could graduate in good standing dealt a real blow to the credibility of this institution."

One student expressed concern about the damage that could be done by releasing such a person into "the wilds of the real world."

But Abum Slacker, a philosophy student at USU said Seeley's success gave him hope. "Everyone told me college wasn't the right thing for me," Slacker said, "But if Jeremy can graduate, so can I. My pet monkey is thinking of enrolling, too."

Klawgdup Bowls, a janitor, speculated in 1999 in his book, "Swirling Water: A Life Perspective," that the Seeley's graduation announcement would boost morale and enrollment. He is being heralded as a prophet for the cleaning community for his wise insights, but psychologists and rational thinkers everywhere disagree.

"This subject is so asinine that replying to your query would destroy my professional integrity and soil the moral fiber of the universe," said Massif Egeau, a professor of psychology at USU.

Seeley, aware of the stir caused by his success, said he never intended to disturb the cosmic balance. "I just wanted to prepare my self for a successful career path," he said in a telephone interview. "I don't understand all the commotion. I mean, I took the required classes and passed them. My mom is actually proud of my grades."

Seeley's mother refused to comment.

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