JAF Systems: Maintaining the US-French Peace

"France would not be France without greatness." - Charles De Gaulle

And so it is that JAF Systems, as part of its effort to continually mitigate extreme nationalism, consigns Jeremy Action Figure as special envoy to the US-French peace process. It's not easy. JAF should continually travel between Paris and Washington to ensure peacekeeping activities, which is an expensive, although entirely necessary, mission. You can help.

The Italian Connection

To learn what prompted JAF's special role in Franco-American policymaking, an Italian case study is both demonstrative and necessary.

In 1993, while on tour in Europe, JAF visited Rome, where his friend Paulo, a big John Denver fan, escorted him through the city on a moped, careening through the streets between cars past the Pantheon, the Temple of the Vestal Virgins, and the Colosseum. The old stadium featured a series of maps, demonstrating that, in addition to, allegedly, making the trains run on time, Mussolini's designs for Italy included restoring its territory to Pax Romana proportions.

Later, JAF and Paulo drove down country roads to Naples to visit two daughters of one of Italy's top five Caribinieri (mafia-fighting military police) colonels.� In Napoli, they met Anna, who also drove a moped, in the midst of a convenient traffic jam. JAF switched to ride with Anna, and Paulo followed in his Fiat. At the military family's living compound, the guards allowed the moped through, but stopped Paulo at perfectly synchronized AK-47 gunpoint. After some discussion, Paulo was set free, and a guard delivered the mail with a polite "mi scusi" to Anna's sister Christina.� It was a postcard from an ex-boyfriend she left behind during the family's last move to avoid the mafia. While the others sipped espressos and exchanged glances of world-weary ennui, Christina retreated to another room for a wailing, hair-pulling, high-decibel, sobbing, hysterically-stereotypical Italian cry that echoed throughout the house with despair over love lost and breathless abandon. Ah yes, the old storms of memory wash over us again and again.

She returned, "I am much more fine, now."� Lunch at a nearby cafe followed. Four children riding a child-sized moped zipped past. Violins played.� The pizza was delicioso.

Then they returned to meet mama and papa. It was siesta, so the Colonel was home, snoozing in front of the TV in his boxers before returning to work. Protocol is such that it would have been rude not to greet the American guest; an awkward handshake was exchanged.

Espressos were again ordered in the parlour, and the party spoke of computers, how to use WordPerfect, and whether Berlusconi would restore stability to Italy's government. The Colonel reappeared in full uniform, JAF stood at attention out of fear, and the officer proposed a toast, translated by Anna, to the Americans for being such great friends to Italy in WWII. After all, he explained, the Americans, unlike the British, were careful in their carpet bombing to only destroy Italian military targets--train depots, military barracks, etc. And any civilian casualties were, "I assure you," he said, "purely accidental."

"On behalf of all US foreign policy decisionmakers and their actions for the past 50 years," said JAF, "I thank you for your kind words of support." Memories are long, and the emotions linger. Later that year, a postcard from Napoli arrived. Christina explained that "our father told us that you will have to visit Naples decent, and not as we did."

Sadly, the telephone number that Christina gave JAF was that of a Caribinieri police station where the lingua franca was German, not English, and they did not know of a Colonel who wore boxers. Si, JAF clearly shoulders the weight of all actions conducted by the US government in the name of its people...Oh, it was Christina who drove the moped, so that means Anna was the emotional one who gave me those Shelley poems with the bilingual Italian/English pages. Mi scusi for the confusion. �

Keeping the US-French Peace

So what� to do about Our Fair France? � Cela nous ferait tres plaisir de reflechir a cette politique. Indeed, the responsibility of the Pax Americana looms large; the repercussions echo over many years. Likewise, the territorial proximity of francophone Quebec, and its use of the metric system, poses a more visible security concern given such restive states as New Hampshire and Vermont. You know the rhetoric--a misstep there, and the states of New England could fall like dominoes, all the way to Washington, D.C.

The country that supported us in our war of independence from the British, gave us the Statue of Liberty,� and offers us Brigitte Bardot in exchange for Jerry Lewis should compel our thoughtful attention, too. Besides, the French market is second only to Belgium in purchasing tainted Coca-Cola products. JAF is, therefore, committed to a rapprochement with France, ensuring that, in return, we enjoy Camembert cheese and other French treats for many years. As the JAF dialogue continues, return here for such experiments as a recipe exchange program, so that we may stay in conversation with the French.

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How you can help

Your efforts are crucial, too. Email JAF with suggestions for promoting the US-French peace, send recipes, or buy a JAF Bond to offset travel budget operating deficits. Say "Bonjour monsieur/madame" to someone for whom your harbor suspicions of Frenchness. Snicker at the existential ridiculousness of love while you sip wine in a smoky, sidewalk cafe. The expressions of our potential esprit de corps are as varied as those who share this desire for camaraderie. As always, merci for your suggestibility. �

Franglais

US - "walkie-talkie"... France - "talkie-walkie"

US - "tickle-tickle"... France - "gilly-gilly"

�1999, 2002 - Jeremy Mauldin