Sandoval carefully eyed Da�an�s pained reaction as he held out the kryss dust in the palm of his hand, making it glitter ominously in the pale lights of the office. So tortuous, he thought, smiling inwardly as the Taelon slowly stretched a trembling hand in his direction, his desire for the kryss obvious, his precarious self-control crumbling bit by bit.
Go on, take it, Sandoval thought, resisting the urge to sport a triumphant smirk. Something deep down inside him pondering why he was drawing so much joy from tormenting Da�an so, but the thought was muted and he ignored it.
But then Da�an sighed shakily, painfully, pulling his hand back. He turned his head away and closed his eyes, looking so small and vulnerable.
I can see you weakening, Sandoval thought. It won�t take much to break you, I know it.
The moment Federov had informed him of Da�an�s kryss addiction, he had wasted no time. Quickly procuring himself a few vials of the substance, he had set out to approach Da�an, gleefully mindful of the immense power he now held thanks to the tiny little purple vials.
Keeping his hand extended, he was about to taunt the shaky alien again, but was completely taken aback when Da�an turned fiercely determined eyes back to him.
�Why?�
Sandoval blinked. He hadn�t been prepared for that. In his surprise, he dropped his hand back to his side, the kryss falling harmlessly to the floor. Under Da�an�s suddenly steady gaze, he felt himself becoming undone, exposed.
After a moment of silence, the Taelon spoke again. �Why are you doing this to me? How do you hate me so, agent Sandoval?�
This time, Sandoval winced and closed his eyes. Something deep inside him uncurled at those words, something he had not felt for years and had wished to God he would never feel again.
His breathing quickened and he could feel Da�an�s gaze still upon him, searing him. Sandoval felt as though he would choke. He could not face this again� nor did he wish to face the admittance, to himself and even less to Da�an.
It was too much to face now. Denial had kept him going for so long, but now� burying a feeling was a difficult thing, because the earth under which it was buried was an interminably fragile thing.
With the strongest effort of his life, he forced his eyes open and looked up at Da�an. The Taelon was calmly staring back, though his eyes and face bore an unmistakable mask of pain. Pain Sandoval himself had caused, he realized with a pang.
He had to look away. Look away, from those eyes, those hauntingly beautiful eyes�
Hate you? he thought. God, if only it were that simple.
Sweat beaded his forehead and he drew in a long breath. When he spoke, his words were rusty and broken. �I don�t hate you, Da�an��
The Taelon cast him a curious look, one that only served to make Sandoval�s heart beat faster.
You really have no idea what you do to me, do you?
He had never felt so vulnerable. Never even before Zo�or, during the Synod Leader�s worse moods. He was like a child now, and darkly recalled that only moments ago he had had Da�an under his control.
A pressure seemed to build inside his chest, years� worth of lonely suffering� so many words he wanted to say, but somehow they could not pass beyond his mind.
You want to know why, Da�an? he thought. I don�t even think you�d understand. Years, I�ve spent, by your side, your protector, admiring you and� you didn�t even know it, but you hurt me so often. You remember Boone? Of course, how could you forget him. Do you know how much it hurt to see you praising him and growing closer to him every day, closer than I could ever dream of becoming with you? Of course you don�t know. You didn�t see it. You never saw it.
If only I could blame it all on my motivational imperative� if only it could all be explained away by that damned bug I had in my brain for so long� but it�s as much my fault. My choice to begin with, the choice that cursed me and ruined my life forever. I loved DeeDee, damn it, but I lost her. And then you were all I had left, and I clung to you like a lifeline. I had you to protect, and in my mind, to care for too.
It�s all I ever wanted, Da�an. To see you look at me like you used to look at Boone. To give me any glimmer of hope that you may feel as I do.
I don�t see how you could ever understand. You�re a Taelon, after all. If there�s one thing I learned after spending years by your side, it�s that you�re completely oblivious to how humans feel. You don�t know about love. You don�t know about heartbreak.
I�ve wanted you, but I knew I could never have you. For so many reasons, I could never have you, and I hated myself for even thinking things could be otherwise.
So all I could do was pretend I didn�t feel� pretend I hated you as much as the rest of your damned kind. You made me suffer more than any of them ever did, and you never even knew it.
No, I don�t hate you, no matter what I tried to tell myself or fool myself into thinking. I never hated you, and I don�t think I ever will. I keep trying to make you suffer, to make even you believe I hate you as much as I should, as though somehow I�ll convince myself too.
But I can�t hate you.
And you want to know why?
A shudder rippled through his body as he looked up at Da�an. The pain in his voice was all too evident as he spoke. �I love you, Da�an.�
He shut his eyes, unable to bear the sight of Da�an any longer. Stuffing the kryss vial back in his pocket he swiftly exited the office, shameful tears rolling down his cheeks.