Liam Kincaid strode up the angled floor towards Da'an's office, sighing as his thoughts drifted back to the events of the last few days. First, the discovery that the kryss fields were still in operation- he'd risked his life to have them shut down, and still humans were being helplessly harvested for the Taelon drug.
But even worse was the discovery that Da'an had been addicted to the damn stuff. And had nearly died of it, too. He resisted the urge to strike the wall as he walked along; he was angry that Da'an had kept it a secret, not even trusting his own protector with knowledge of the difficult situation.
Well, he thought, it was no longer a problem� he'd managed to help Da'an in time, and the Taelon would eventually recover.
Liam had been so lost in thought that he gasped in surprise when Sandoval urgently walked away from the office, bumping into him in the process. Liam reflexively took hold of the other man's arms, who twisted his face away to avoid meeting his gaze.
"Agent Sandoval� where are you off to in such a hurry?" Liam asked, feigning cheerfulness, but his expression quickly darkened when he glimpsed tear tracks on Sandoval's cheeks.
"Get away from me, Major," Sandoval whispered hoarsely, as he yanked his arms away and kept walking.
Stunned, Liam watched him go. "Is something wrong?" he called out, but got no response as Sandoval quickened his pace and strode out of sight.
Weird, Liam thought, frowning. He couldn't help but feel worried as well, wondering what Sandoval was doing in Da'an's office to begin with; nothing good ever came of his visits these days.
When he entered the audience chamber, his concern only grew. Da'an was standing in front of his chair, looking shaky and stunned, his eyes riveted to the chamber's exitway, shifting only when he saw Liam enter. What in the world had Sandoval done to him?
"Da'an?" Liam asked, hurriedly walking up to the Taelon, scanning his small body for any sign of injury. Da'an seemed all right, only weakened, but that was normal, considering his current condition. "What's wrong?"
"I-- Agent Sandoval�" Da'an began, his voice faint. But he swayed then, and Liam quickly wrapped his arms around him before he collapsed and carefully helped him down to his chair.
"I saw him leave," Liam said, keeping his hand on Da'an's shoulder. "What did he do to you?"
Da'an drew in a long breath and closed his eyes; he looked exhausted and ill. "Nothing�"
"Did he hurt you?" Liam pressed on, fully aware now that something unpleasant had just occurred in his absence. "Threaten you in any way?"
Da'an opened his eyes, though he pointedly avoided meeting Liam's eyes. "Liam, please. I am unharmed." His hand moved as he spoke, but the gesture was shaky, unsteady.
"Why was Sandoval here?" Liam demanded, squeezing Da'an's shoulder. "What did he say to you?"
"Major, I would advise that you drop this matter," Da'an said sternly, looking up with troubled eyes. "Please leave me. Immediately."
Liam winced. "Da'an, I'm your protector�"
"And I require no protection at the moment," Da'an said, his hand undulating in a dismissive gesture. "I require only rest. Please, Major."
All too aware that arguing would prove fruitless, Liam nodded and left without another word, though the image of Sandoval fleeing the office and the reason for such a turbulent departure still troubled his mind.
Angrily wiping at the hot tears streaking his face, Sandoval came to a halt somewhere on the lower levels on the Embassy. The hallway was mercifully deserted; the last thing he wanted was to have someone wander by as he weakly leaned against the wall, running a hand through his dampened hair.
Well, that was not quite true; the very last thing he wanted was to face Da'an again.
"Idiot," he cursed himself. He fumbled through his pocket and pulled out the kryss vial. Poison. He had just offered pure, unadulterated poison to Da'an, of all people. And he had been doing the same thing for years, in some shape or form; poisoning him, hurting him, torturing him�
He hated himself right now. How could he have buried those feelings for years, vainly pretending that hatred and revenge were his sole motivators? He had blinded himself, but now there was no hiding from the truth. No hiding from his emotions, no matter how much he cursed them.
Well, what now? He couldn't go back and explain it all to Da'an with some pathetic fabrication. It was too late. All he could do now was pretend nothing had happened, hope that Da'an would do the same, and return to the Mothership and faithfully serve Zo'or�
And blind himself again, just as he had done for the past few years. Pretend nothing was wrong� and pretend that he felt nothing he was not supposed to feel.
His heartbeat pounded dully in his ears as he held up the small vial. Disgusted, he threw it across the corridor, where it landed with a faint clinking sound, rolling until it hit the wall. Poison.
Sandoval pushed himself off the wall, all but running away down the corridor, but not before stopping next to the purple vial and swiftly crushing it beneath his heel.
After a long moment, mindful of keeping the quiet undisturbed, the Taelon rose to his feet. He was still weak and unsteady after his recent ordeal and really should have stayed in the Embassy and rested� but he needed to understand certain things.
Da'an stole a glance towards to the vacant entranceway of the chamber, as though he expected Liam to pop up again unexpectedly. The Major had the peculiar and unfortunate habit of showing up at the most inappropriate times, he decided. But, of course, Liam was nowhere around. Da'an was indeed alone.
He reached for the armrest of his chair, creaking open its tiny compartment; a vial of human kryss lay on the bottom. He had promised Liam he would use the substitute and had given him all the kryss vials he had left� except for this last one. He hadn't expected to use it, knowing its danger� but still, he had decided to keep it.
Da'an contemplated the vial for a brief moment, before cradling it within the palm of his hand. Soundlessly, he left the audience chamber, and prepared to leave for the Mothership.
He reached for his pocket watch, opening the delicate instrument; it was almost eleven-thirty in the evening; no wonder the hallways were deserted. He really should be heading home and to bed, but sleep didn't seem very inviting right now. Not that wandering through empty passageways was an attractive prospect, but at least if he kept busy, his mind wouldn't stray to unpleasant topics.
"Agent Sandoval?"
He froze at the voice, as it drifted unexpectedly from somewhere behind him. It was soft and uneasy, but had enough insistence to still him. He carefully turned and saw the Taelon to whom the voice belonged, standing primly some paces away. "Da'an." He prayed his voice didn't sound as shaky as he felt.
Da'an's hands seemed clenched in that human habit of fighting apprehension; a quiet intensity was burning in his striking blue eyes. "I believe we have much to talk about."
"No� I take back everything I said," Sandoval said hoarsely. He threw up his hands in front of himself as Da'an took a step closer, as though he could will the Taelon away. "Everything I did, I take it all back� I don't want to face this, Da'an. Please."
"I do not understand your actions," Da'an said, the soft vulnerability his in voice making Sandoval wince.
"Da'an, please�" Sandoval tore his eyes away, locking them on the thrumming wall. So he was reduced to begging now, begging both Da'an and himself for the memories of this to just go away�
Da'an's breathing grew shaky, erratic, and when Sandoval looked up at him again, he froze in shock, as the Taelon had opened his hand and produced a small vial of kryss. Real kryss.
"Da'an, where did you get that?"
Ignoring the question, Da'an said, "Perhaps I could help you, and myself, understand what it is you truly desire." His words became flat and unemotional, sending a chill down Sandoval's back.
"If you take that, you could die. You know that, Da'an!" Desperation made his voice grow shaky. "It's not worth it just to satisfy curiosity, not yours and especially not mine!"
"As humans would say, I have nothing left to lose." And before Sandoval could say or do anything, he had untwisted the vial and emptied its contents into the palm of his hand.
The Taelon's body stiffened as a deep purple blush spread over it. The energy pathways became bright and visible, pulsing with unnatural speed, mimicking Sandoval's own racing heartbeat.
Jerked from his stunned trance, he rushed to the Taelon's side, catching him before he toppled to the floor. Erratic blushing covered the trembling body as the poison was absorbed, even as a soft whimper escaped Da'an's lips.
"Damn you," Sandoval hissed, though his distress overwhelmed any anger he might have been feeling. "I'm taking you to the medical wing." He slipped his arms behind Da'an's back and legs, lifting him effortlessly. Da'an moaned almost inaudibly, pressing a hand to Sandoval's chest as though weakly trying to push him away.
"Do not� please."
Sandoval had taken two steps down the corridor but froze at the plea. He shifted Da'an in his arms to glimpse his face; his human fa�ade had partially returned, making him look feverish and pale, his eyes glassy and unfocused.
"I have to," Sandoval insisted. "If I leave you here, you could die. Damn it, I don't care about this little experiment you want to perform! I'll take you to a human doctor if I have to, but I won't let you die here!"
"You will do no such thing," Da'an gasped.
Sandoval sighed in desperation, twisting his head around until he spotted the entranceways to a few Volunteer quarters further down the corridor; on this particular deck, they would surely be vacant. Still cradling Da'an, he walked up to one of them and activated the opening mechanism. Sure enough, it was empty, and he stepped inside, the organic door sealing shut behind them.
The room was relatively bare, furnished only with a bed, and a small desk and computer off to the side. Sandoval gently deposited Da'an down on the glittering turquoise coverlet.
Da'an's body settled limply on the bed, and for a moment Sandoval assumed he had lost consciousness. But even as he reached for his global to call for help, a weak hand lifted and touched his arm, stilling his hand.
"Please."
Sandoval sighed, resigning himself to accept Da'an's quiet order, and settled himself into a sitting position on the bed next to the shaken Taelon.
He brushed Da'an's forehead, not quite sure why, only knowing that it seemed like the right thing to do. A small sigh, most likely of pain, was his response.
"Are you sure you don't want me to summon a healer? I can find someone who won't report this to Zo'or, if that's what you're afraid of�"
"I do not wish to see a healer. Nor a human doctor," he quickly added before Sandoval could make the suggestion again.
"Then what do you want? What should I do?"
"Stay here. Stay with me."
A deep purplish blush suddenly rippled across Da'an's body, making him moan and clasp a small hand to his chest. Completely at a loss, Sandoval reached out to take the Taelon's arms, hoping the delicate contact would somehow ease the pain.
"I don't know what to do," Sandoval whispered, hardly bothering to keep the helplessness out of his voice. "I don't want you to die."
Turning his gaze towards the human, Da'an whispered back, "I am not certain if I believe your words."
"Why would you say that?"
"Only a short while ago, you would have been satisfied to see me in such a condition. I am only fulfilling your desire."
Sandoval felt himself freezing again. What an idiot he was. How had he been expecting himself to react if Da'an had indeed taken the earlier offered kryss? Just leave him writhing in pain on the floor of the Embassy? Was he truly that cruel?
Would he have had the strength to stay and repair the damage he'd done, or would he have fled like a coward?
The thought brought a flush of humiliation and anger to his cheeks. He could hardly blame Da'an for doubting him. "This is not my desire. It never was."
"Again, your actions would lead me to believe otherwise."
"No, I� I�"
He sighed, letting go of Da'an's arm to rub his forehead. "If I could only explain� I never wanted to hurt you. You understand that? Never!"
Da'an seemed about to answer, but instead he sighed softly and his eyes fluttered close.
Tears of shame burned Sandoval's eyes again. Da'an may have been the one who took the kryss, but it was Sandoval who had pushed him to it. He shuddered inwardly, remembering all those times he had put Da'an in danger, so many times that he had stopped thinking twice, stopped realizing how atrocious his actions were. No longer thinking, only acting. Denying and lying.
As gently as he could, he slipped his arms around Da'an's shoulders, not quite a hug, but enough for a comforting embrace. "I'm sorry, Da'an. I'm sorry for the past few years. I wish I could make you understand that."
Da'an shifted weakly against him, but accepted the embrace. "Why do you maintain that I will not comprehend?"
"Because� you're Taelon," he said, scrambling for the right words. "And� in some ways, our species are just too different." It was a cheap excuse and Sandoval knew it, though he prayed the explanation would be somehow sufficient.
There was a moment of silence as Da'an pondered the words. "And you assume we are incapable of feeling?" he asked.
The statement made Sandoval frown in surprise. "That's not what I mean. Even back then, when I first met you, I knew nothing would ever happen. I was only your protector. I couldn't expect you to return any kind of feelings I had for you."
"I will admit to not understanding how you could claim to� love me." He spoke the word strangely, not as though it was foreign to him, but as though he could not fathom such an emotion coming from the human. "Any feelings of devotion you experienced would have been as a result of the CVI."
"That's� not quite true," Sandoval said hesitantly. "It happened before the CVI." He swallowed. "It started when I first saw you, the North American Companion, and it just kept growing once I was recruited as a protector. I� I wanted the CVI. Anything to prove my loyalty to you. Anything that would amplify what I already felt. I was in awe of you. I knew I wanted to serve you."
"Before your implant?" Da'an repeated, and paused. His eyes closed for a moment as he appeared to consider something. "What of your wife?"
Sandoval felt his breath catch in his throat. "I never stopped loving her," he said weakly, breathing a silent apology to his lost love. If only she could see him today� what would she think?
"I was torn," he continued, his voice dropping to a low whisper. "I still loved her too, but I made some wrong decisions. And then I lost her� and you were all I had left."
He spoke the last phrase in a shallow breath, emphasizing his words by tightening his fingers around Da'an's arms. Strange� he had touched Zo'or before, held his arm or his shoulder, and while he knew the human fa�ade was nothing more than a projection, the jumpsuit had always felt like some sort of coarse material. But Da'an felt different, he noticed with mild surprise� softer, warmer even.
Sandoval fell silent again. He could still vividly remember those years spent by Da'an's side as his protector, mindlessly devoted, and never once had he ever been this close to the Taelon, physically or otherwise. He remembered the incident a few years back when Da'an had been kidnapped by a rogue military unit. He had arrived and watched helplessly as Da'an faded away into death� only to be called back by William Boone. He had wanted to stand up and say something, anything to Da'an as his energy rippled away into nothing, but had been too choked to say anything at that point.
A shiver coursed through the Taelon's body and Sandoval held him closer, leaning against the bed, momentarily jarred from his musing. But still he remembered how back then, Da'an had reached for Boone, who had dutifully taken his hand in comfort. He would have given anything at that moment to be in Boone's place� heck, he would have given anything to be in Boone's place for much more than that moment. How much time had he spent dreaming of achieving what Boone had done within a few weeks? Reach the level of friend, of confidant to this enigmatic alien being?
He looked down at the Taelon in his arms. Da'an had grown quiet and his eyes had closed again, making him look as though he had fallen into a restless sleep. "Can I ask you something, Da'an?"
The eyelids fluttered open. "You may."
"This is going to sound silly, but�" He drew in a breath. "Why Boone and not me? How did you become so close to him, reach out to him whenever you needed someone� why him?" The question sounded ridiculous to Sandoval's ears as soon as he had uttered it. But then again, perhaps he had gone past the level of feeling shamed for his actions and words.
Da'an became silent for a moment before he finally said, "I do not believe you would� appreciate hearing the answer."
Probably not, Sandoval thought. But still, he pressed on, "Please, go on."
"Boone had a non-functional CVI."
Sandoval widened his eyes in shock. "How did you know that?"
"It was apparent since the beginning, though I never revealed to him that I possessed this knowledge."
Sandoval's thoughts flew back to that year spent working with Boone, and suddenly so many incidents and conversations made sense to him. He couldn't believe he had never seen it himself. "That's why? I don't understand. Why didn't you report him to Zo'or?"
Da'an paused before speaking, considering his words. "He offered me a unique challenge-a unique perspective."
Sandoval felt his shoulders droop a bit. "So he was different. You knew that whatever he did or said wasn't motivated by an implant." He paused. "Not like me. I guess I didn't offer you much of a challenge."
He felt Da'an's body ever so slightly tense in his arms. "That may have been the case, though your service was commendable-"
Sandoval smiled, though the act was bitter. "That's the problem. I was nothing more than a servant to you, right? I wanted to be close to you like Boone was, to be your friend. Hell, to be anything other than a mindless servant."
Sandoval sighed. "Still, nothing changed when my CVI broke down. I was still a damn servant, even after my re-implantation�" He stopped, as thoughts of his malfunctioning CVI clouded his mind.
As though reading his thoughts, Da'an said, "I was aware of your non-functioning implant."
Again, Sandoval winced in surprise. How could Da'an possibly know these things? "You knew about me, too? But even Zo'or wasn't sure� how could you know? Why didn't you say anything?"
Da'an's slender arms lifted and wrapped around his own body, as though seeking to warm himself. "Despite appearances to the contrary� I would not wish for any harm to come to you. If Zo'or had been made aware of your state, the consequences would have been� unpleasant."
"You wanted to protect me?"
A weak smiled curved Da'an's lips. "Is that truly so difficult for you to believe?"
Sandoval smiled back. He couldn't believe that Da'an had sought to protect him, after everything that had happened� perhaps he had been wrong about the Taelon. He suddenly felt shamed and foolish for having blinded himself to such things over the years. How much pain could have been avoided?
He stroked Da'an's forehead again, not quite knowing the right thing to say to express his gratitude, hoping the small gesture of comfort would be enough. However, with the faintest bit of alarm, he noticed the Taelon's skin had grown icy. In fact, his entire body had slowly begun to shiver.
"Are you cold?" he asked, concerned, as he considered pulling up the blankets from the bed to wrap them around the trembling Taelon. "Is this a normal reaction to a kryss overdose?"
"I am not certain," Da'an said shakily. "I was unconscious when it last happened."
Giving up on his quest to remove the covers from the tightly made bed, Sandoval slipped his suit jacket from his shoulders, and gently draped it around Da'an's thin arms, holding him close as he carefully pulled him into a seated position, willing his body heat into the colder one.
Da'an sighed at the contact, pressing himself closer, until he tentatively allowed his head to rest against Sandoval's shoulder.
"Are you sure you don't want a healer?" Sandoval asked.
"No-I will recover. I do not wish to leave."
Sandoval looked down at the Taelon in his arms as he moved again, seemingly trying to find a comfortable position, until he quieted down, his head still pressed against the human's shoulder. Sandoval allowed himself a sigh of relief-it seemed Da'an would be all right, after all. He never realized how much the notion put him at ease. For the first time that night he felt himself begin to relax, as he gently rested his cheek against Da'an's smooth head.
"Now, I believe I have a question," Da'an said softly, his eyes still closed.
"Yes?"
"I wish for you to explain why you would harm me. Why you would be a willing ally to Zo'or, when surely you were aware of his ulterior motives."
Sandoval pressed his lips together, knowing the question would ultimately have come out sooner or later. Despite himself, his thoughts flew back to all those plans which somehow all involved possible harm to Da'an, even those instances when he could come to Da'an of his own volition and� He winced, remembering the short time ago when he had kidnapped Da'an to force an energy transfer to Lili Marquette and her child. He had snuck into the Embassy, using that cylinder he had kept, and rendered Da'an unconscious, helpless.
And he remembered how he had paused then, watching his Taelon's unconscious form. Even in death, surely Da'an would still look as� beautiful. Feelings of regret and buried emotions had almost burst their way to the surface back then, and it had been with much difficulty that he managed to move on and complete the plan. The plan that had almost resulted in Da'an's death.
He suddenly realized he had started protectively stroking the Taelon's back, as he began to speak. "I guess� I was trying to use hate to destroy love. Mindlessly serving Zo'or, obeying whatever little plot he had to harm you� I thought that maybe, if I listened to him enough, I could eventually convince myself that I hated you, too."
"And did you succeed?"
"No, of course not. I don't think I ever did. I was constantly torn somewhere being revulsion and relief when Zo'or plotted to kill you. Like I thought that if it worked and you� died�" He couldn't help but wince at the ugliness of the word. "That it would all be over and I'd find some kind of relief."
Da'an grew silent then. "My death would have brought an end to your suffering," he said, almost soundlessly.
"It sounds awful, I know. I'm sorry..." He caught his breath. "But it wouldn't have changed anything. If I'd have lost you, I �"
"I understand," Da'an said. "Truly, I do." Sandoval breathed a small sigh of relief; there was indeed sincerity in his words.
Da'an's pale hand lifted, undulating slowly as he spoke again. "Despite everything, Agent Sandoval-I truly regret we were not given the time, or the opportunity, to explore what could have been."
"So do I," Sandoval murmured. He shook his head, before pressing his cheek to Da'an's forehead again. "I can't believe you did that. Took such an unnecessary risk."
"Was it truly so unnecessary?" Da'an asked quietly. "We have reached a greater understanding. Such a thing would not have happened otherwise."
"I guess you're right," Sandoval said. He continued to hold Da'an close in his arms, savoring the silence, until another thought came up within his mind.
"Where do you think we can go from here?" he asked. "You know I can't just resign as Zo'or's protector� he'd probably have me killed."
"You are correct�"
"And Major Kincaid wouldn't understand any of this."
"I believe he would not."
"This can't just end here," Sandoval said, pleadingly. "I have so many things to say to you� to apologize for, to explain�"
"It is not necessary," Da'an said. "When the night ends, our time here will come to an end as well. With the current situation between us all, it would be unwise and unsafe to pursue anything further."
A desolate sigh escaped Sandoval's lips. "So we have to pretend nothing of this ever happened."
"Unfortunately so. But�" A small half-smile graced the Taelon's lips. "We will not forget."
Sandoval smiled at the tender warmth in Da'an's voice. True, the night would end� and from it would come a new awareness, a new understanding. For the first time in what had to be years, he actually felt a small measure of peace.
He watched Da'an, still cradled in his arms, who had already begun to recover from the kryss; his delicate features seemed at ease, no longer laced with pain.
Slowly, so very slowly, he leaned down and pressed his lips to Da'an's in a soft kiss. The Taelon did not resist, readily accepting the intimate gesture, as though understanding the human's need for it.
Sandoval gently caressed the delicate skin with his mouth as energy rippled softly against his lips. He shuddered at the intimacy of the act, the culmination of years worth of unrequited emotions. Soon, it was over and he slowly pulled away, catching his breath; Da'an's face held something he had dreamed of seeing for years: affection. For him. He smiled.
"You're right," he whispered, tenderly brushing his fingers against Da'an's cheek. "I won't forget."