Disclaimer: This didn�t happen. I don�t know these people! I�m a liar!

This quote has nothing to do with the fic other than the whole story made me think of it:

The Simpsons � "Homer's Phobia"

Marge: Didn't John seem a little...festive to you?
Homer: Couldn't agree more; happy as a clam.
Marge: He prefers the company of men!
Homer: Who doesn't!?

On the night of Billy�s best date, everything went wrong.

The forecast had called for sun and instead, a monsoon struck Wellington. His windshield wiper blades had stopped working and so he was forced to drive miles under the speed limit to keep from causing a head-on collision. The hostess at the restaurant couldn�t understand his accent and so he�d had to rely on charades to get a table. Then, he was taken to a table at the very front of the restaurant right by the window and the take-away deli, even though he�d specifically requested a romantic seat at the back. And when the waiter arrived to pour him ice water, he�d tripped and dumped almost the whole pitcher down Billy�s back.

All that, and the girl never even showed.

His mood decayed from excited to annoyed to panicked then back to annoyed for a while before moving in force to anger. Every new and bad thing that happened � burning himself on the candleholder, dropping his silverware, his soda arriving flat � all fed into his �the world is against me tonight� feeling and so it was with a bitter laugh that he noticed Orlando walking toward the restaurant, just in time to witness his abject humiliation.

Orlando trotted across the street, his Mohawked head covered by a green skullcap and lowered against the rain. Bells jangled as he walked through the door and Billy simply watched him, waiting for the inevitable moment when he would glance around and see him just sitting there, alone, at a table set for two. �Three...� thought Billy, �Two...One.�

�Hey, Bill.� Orlando looked away from the deli menu and walked over to Billy. �What are you doing here?�

�I�m on a date,� Billy replied with a tinge of bitterness to his tone and his smile. �Is it not obvious?�

Orlando glanced at the second place setting. �She not here yet?�

�She�s apparently not coming.� Despite feeling wretched and angry at the world, Billy appreciated that Orlando made an effort to hide his grimace.

�Sorry, mate. Who was it?�

�Eva, one of the Rivendell Elves.�

�Fucking Elves.�

Billy breathed a laugh. �Aye. So what are you doing here?�

�I was just going to grab some dinner.�

�Well, take a seat.� Billy pushed the chair across from him out from under the table with his foot. �I�ll buy; I was planning to spend some money tonight anyway.�

�All right.� Orlando slid down into the seat and smiled wryly at Billy. �But don�t expect me to put out.�

�Never,� Billy replied as he waved for the waiter. �You�re not that kind of girl.�

The fact that Orlando ordered a salad made Billy feel like he was still on a date, but his mood gradually improved as he got over the hollowing sensation of being �stood up� and he tried to relax and enjoy dinner with his friend, which, at the moment, wasn�t very hard since Orlando was telling a hilarious story about how a whole row of Lorien Elves fell over like dominos when one of them tripped on the Helm�s Deep set.

They were both laughing so hard Orlando had trouble speaking and already they�d earned many a disapproving stare from the restaurant�s other patrons and a few of its workers. By the time the waiter brought them their after dinner coffee, Billy had started to think maybe he�d lucked out when Eva hadn�t shown up. She was pretty and all, but he couldn�t imagine he would have laughed this much with her. In fact, he knew he wouldn�t have; she was a quiet girl and she would never have been comfortable with being noticed as much as he and Orlando were being noticed right now.

�So,� Orlando said, setting down his coffee cup. �Where were you gonna go next?�

�What do you mean?�

�You and Eva. What�re we doing next on our date?�

Billy laughed. �Oh, that. Uh, I was going to take her to the pictures.�

�Dinner and a movie; that�s a classic. What movie?�

�There�s this girlie movie playing downtown.�

Orlando made a face. �A girlie movie; I can�t approve. Weren�t there any scary flicks playing?�

�That�s so transparent, Orli. Please don�t tell me you do that.�

�I�ve only used it once.�

�Did it work?�

�Not at all, actually.� Orlando laughed, hiding his face. �She got so scared she threw up.�

Their waiter glared at them as Billy let out a roar of laughter. �You for real?�

Orlando nodded, laughing, his face bright red. �She warned me that she didn�t do well with horror movies.�

Billy wiped at his eyes, still chuckling. �Well, how do you do with horror movies?�

�I can keep my salad down, if that�s what you�re asking.�

�You up for it?�

�You buying?� Orlando grinned.

�Course! I don�t cadge.�

�And I�m not a cheap date.� Orlando chuckled and stood from the table. �But I�m worth the money.�

Billy looked over to their waiter. �Check, please!�

The movie was terrible, just as they�d expected it to be. It was some local Kiwi slasher film with cheesy dialogue, atrocious acting and the goofiest looking spurting blood Billy had seen since The Evil Dead. He and Orlando sat right behind a couple and at every gush of blood and one-eighty degree rotation of a head, the lass whimpered and hid her face in her boyfriend�s shoulder. The moments that made her whimper made Orlando laugh and Billy decided that while it might have been nice to have Eva cozying up to him, he was having a much better time crying with laughter with Orlando whenever someone�s prosthetic gash fell off.

�Now where to?� Orlando asked as they walked out of the cinema.

�On the date?�

�Yeah.� They paused beneath the marqueed awning, just behind the waterfall of rain still falling.

�Well, when the weather was better, I was thinking we�d take a wee stroll in the moonlight through the park.�

�And this was your first date?� Orlando stared wide-eyed as Billy nodded. �Wow. You go all out, man.� He clapped his hands together, rubbing them for warmth. �All right, let�s do it then. Moonlit walk.� And with that, he stepped from beneath the marquee and right out into the rain.

�You are bloody barmy.�

�Hey, look, this was your idea not mine.� Orlando smiled, an amused glimmer in his eyes as the rainwater drenched his hat and fell in clear sheets down his forehead. His eyelashes were proving about as effective as Billy�s broken windshield wipers. �I can see the moon.� He tipped his head back and peered at the sky. �Well, I can sorta see the moon, so moonlit walk, c�mon.�

Billy paused a moment, staring at Orlando as he stood in the rain. It was against his instinct to stroll stupidly into certain wetness, but, shifting his shoulders, he realized his jacket hadn�t entirely dried from the unfortunate ice water dousing at the restaurant and so� �What the hell?� Lowering his head against the driving drops, he walked out into the rain.

�Great,� Orlando said with a grin. �Now, where the fuck is the park?�

Before they even stepped foot through the park gates, Billy could already sense the rivulets of water sliding down his chest beneath his shirt and his bare legs beneath his trousers. He was certain that even his boxers were soaked to the hem, but he and Orlando simply strolled, walking calmly as other people dashed to and from buildings all around them with umbrellas and newspapers held over their heads in a lame attempt to ward off the rain. That�s what Eva would have done, Billy decided. She would have shrieked, lifted her skirt a few inches to save it the mud, and then run to wherever they were going.

But instead, he and Orlando were walking through the deserted park, talking about life and politics and acting, and making sure they hopped into every puddle they came across, having an unofficial contest to see who could make the biggest splash. Billy couldn�t keep the smile off his face.

�I don�t know what we�re fit for now, but what else did you have planned?� Orlando twisted the water out of his skullcap and ruffled the wet, flat Mohawk atop his head.

�I probably would�ve taken her home by now.� Billy glanced at his watch. �But if the date had gone really, really well, then a night club to dance and have a few drinks, probably.�

�Fuck dancing, let�s just get some drinks.�

Billy grinned; no way Eva would have said that. �As you wish.�

With their soaked shoes sloshing on the sidewalk, they headed for their favourite pub and all the while an old song trilled its way through Billy�s mind. �Why can�t a woman be more like a man?� He couldn�t remember all the lyrics, but remembering just the tune and the title was enough; it completely encapsulated how he felt right now.

He�d spent days trying to get Eva to go out with him. He�d repeatedly gone to the set nervous, trying to be his wittiest, his most charming, waiting for the right moment to finally pop the little question � and then she didn�t even show. He was certain she had a good reason for not coming; she wasn�t a mean person; but it still hurt.

But then, here was Orlando who didn�t have any of that rubbish attached to him. Billy never got nervous around him, never worried about being witty or charming, had no questions to ask. Orlando was comfortable and no matter how hot Eva might have shown up looking, Billy didn�t mind missing out on the awkward conversation, the failed jokes, the sweaty tension of trying to decide if he should try to hold her hand now, or wait until later.

As they swung the pub door wide, they nearly ran into Dom and Sean just leaving. They both stared at Billy and Orlando who stood in the rain, soaked to the skin. �Yeah,� Dom said, �there�s this great invention called the umbrella, you blokes ever heard of it?�

Billy genteelly straightened his dripping cuffs. �Sounds familiar.�

Dom and Sean decided to join them for a few minutes and so all four of them claimed a warm booth at the back of the pub. They made Orlando and Billy share one side to protect their still-dry clothes and a puddle began to quickly collect on the floor.

Sean kindly brought two beers from the bar and set them down in front of Orlando and Billy. �What are you guys out doing?�

Orlando took a swig of beer. �We�re on a date.�

Billy laughed at Dom and Sean�s amused expressions and furthered the joke by putting his arm around Orlando�s shoulders. �I�m a lucky lad. Orli�s a great date.� Orlando smiled demurely, playing along, and Billy decided that he really hadn�t faired too badly: Orlando was prettier than Eva anyway. And though it wasn�t a conscious effort, that was the last time Eva even crossed his mind.

�So when�s the wedding?�

�Jesus, Dom, it�s our first date.� Orlando did a remarkable impression of playing the blushing coquette, but Dom naturally found the one flaw in his performance.

�You totally fucked that up by saying �Jesus.��

�Yeah, I know. I didn�t even think to do it until halfway through the sentence. Fuck off.� Orlando laughed into his beer as he took another drink. Billy removed his arm from Orlando�s shoulders to take sip of his own beer.

�How�s the date going?� Sean asked distractedly, frowning at his shoes which were now wet from the pool of rainwater beneath the table.

�Oh, it�s great.� Orlando shifted on the bench and glanced apologetically at the bartender when a fresh stream of water was rung from his shirt with the movement. �I haven�t paid for anything tonight - Drinks on me, by the way, Billy - You guys really need to find yourselves a couple of good men.�

Dom nodded. �So that�s how the other half lives.�

�Yep. Very cheaply.�

Sean interrupted the conversation with a long, irrepressible yawn. �Sorry, sorry,� he said, his jaw still agape. �I think I�m gonna go. You guys enjoy the rest of your date, though.�

�Night, Sean.�

Even after Dom left with Sean, Orlando and Billy sat together, talking, on the same side of the booth. Billy knew that in other circumstances he would have moved to the other side, but both the water and the warmth kept him still. As it was they were forming arse-shaped water stains on the bench; there was no reason to inflict that on two sides of the booth; and then it felt good to be sitting close to Orlando because, whether or not he admitted it, this had started to feel a little like a date. It felt like those really fantastic dates you only got with a lass once you�d been dating her for a year, when you were comfortable with her. Billy decided Orlando must have felt the same way because within the half hour, he yawned, stretched and casually draped his arm over Billy�s shoulders and what Billy found so instantly hilarious was that Orlando only realized what he�d done seconds after Billy had. They both burst out laughing.

�Fuck, this has been a weird night.� Orlando chuckled and tightened his arm, pulling Billy closer to give him a quick peck on the temple.

�You stole that whole move from Astin.�

�Shit, you�re right, I did.� Orlando rubbed at his forehead, but left his arm around Billy. �Well, the man�s married, so he obviously knows the moves that work.�

After the third or fourth beer, Billy�s understanding of time and space began to suffer and so he wasn�t entirely sure how long he and Orlando had stayed there talking, but his clothes were now only a heavy damp instead of dripping wet so he assumed it had been hours. Orlando had stopped after two drinks, which Billy appreciated since it allowed him to get extremely plastered without worrying about who was going to drive. Besides, it seemed like he should drink since he�d had � well, he�d almost had � a horrible evening and just because it had transformed into one of the most fun and memorable nights of his life didn�t change the requisite.

Drunk or no, he was glad the rain had stopped by the time they had to walk back to the car. He leaned heavily against Orlando�s body, his arm curled around his waist and strangely, the thought occurred to him: �Orli feels good all over,� which unfortunately his mouth decided to say as soon as his mind had formed it.

Orlando snorted a laugh. �What does that mean?�

Billy mused a moment on how best to put into words what he was thinking, how best to explain that Orlando�s beauty, that infectious smile and those deep eyes, made him a pleasure to look at, that his personality and energetic spirit made him wonderful to be around, that his friendly arm around the shoulders or his frequent hugs were always warm and incredibly comforting and that all of it, everything about him, made Billy feel proud to know him, made Billy feel special for being chosen as his friend.

��Cause you�re pretty, you make people happy, and you�re warm.�

�Well, thanks, Billy.� Chuckling, Orlando wrapped his arm more tightly around Billy�s shoulders. �I�m quite fond of you, too.�

Billy happily leaned heavily against Orlando once more as Orlando escorted him up his front walk to his house. �No, no, no. We�re doing this all wrong.�

�How so?� Orlando asked.

�I�m supposed to walk you to your front door.�

�Don�t be so old-fashioned: Women�s lib, they burned their bras; I can walk you to the door. And I�ll bring your car back in the morning.�

�It�s not old-fashioned.� Billy shook his head firmly. �It�s being a gentlemen. I had planned to walk you to your door.�

�And then what did you plan to do?�

�I planned to get laid.� And at that moment, Billy was all for taking Orlando inside and figuring out how to shag a man senseless.

Orlando laughed and waggled a finger at him. �See, that�s slightly less gentlemanly there. Besides, I told you, I�m not that kind of girl; I don�t shag on the first date.�

�Do you kiss on the first date?�

Usually, Billy hated the way things he wouldn�t say sober came tumbling out of his mouth like anvils when he was drunk, but then if he�d been sober he would have missed the incredible transformation Orlando�s features had just gone through and he would have missed that sudden raw honesty in his eyes.

�Yeah, I do.� Orlando stepped forward and lightly pressed his lips to Billy�s, his fingers just barely touching Billy�s waist.

Right after thinking, �Yeah, he definitely feels good all over,� Billy did what he would have done with any date: he tried to take it a bit further. He curled his fingers around Orlando�s shoulder and parted his lips. He felt only a brief, warm-wet thrill as Orlando�s tongue stroked against his just once and then the kiss was over.

�Night, Billy,� Orlando said casually. �I�ll see you in the morning.� He turned and jogged down the steps back toward Billy�s car. Then, he stopped and turned back with a smile. �For what it�s worth, Bill, I think she�s daft. You�re a great date.�

Billy grinned. �Aye, you too, mate.�

Billy stood on his porch until Orlando climbed into his car and drove off. He stood there until the red taillights finally faded in the distance and as he did so, he made a silent challenge to anyone out there, even to the woman he would marry someday:

�Just try to beat that date.�

A/N: �Why Can�t a Woman Be More Like a Man� is from �My Fair Lady.� :) Thanks to: My Alpha beta Maeve and my fantabulous Scottish betas, Carrie and Kira, for helping my Billy sound that extra bit more authentic.