Okay, so, I saw "Star Wars Episode II: Attack of the Clones" for the second time and I was once again dismayed by the writing. I find the romance of Anakin and Padme' actually very appealing (it's that whole denied by outside forces thing that I adore), so it upsets me that the most integral scene was so poorly written and the other scenes ended just short of or omitted aspects that would have brought them to their greatest potential.

Since I kept saying that George Lucas should have hired me, I thought I should come through on my bravado; put my writing where my mouth is, so to speak. Also, it's a good screenwriting exercise. I don't know if what I've come up with is really any better. Feel free to hate it, since I'm not entirely sure that I don't, but I thought it would be fun to share. :)

By the by, I completely ignored Obi-wan and the clone story line because I don't really care...

So, here are my comments and rewrites of the Anakin/Padme' scenes that needed rewriting (in my opinion only, mind you) from "Attack of the Clones." (Let me apologize ahead of time for the incorrect grammar on Padme's possessives. Technically, it should be 'Padme''s,' but I don't like how that looks. I also typed it in as close to script format as I can get outside actual script-writing software, which should explain the random centering and such, so I hope that isn't too annoying. I hope the font comes through readable. If it doesn't, just tell me...)

What follows is a summary - sort of - of my version of "Attack of the Clones."

Their meeting - this was actually fine. Anakin's a total bean, which helps endear him and Padme' tells him he'll always be that little boy from Tattooine, which is about the worst thing a young would-be suitor could hear - and is therefore fun to watch. I would have added a few more embarrassed reactions from the others, like Obi-wan rolling his eyes or some such to make it even more obvious that Anakin just used a totally silly pick-up line.

Using Padme' as bait - Some of the dialogue between Obi-wan and Anakin is too on-the-nose, but I don't feel inspired to rip that stuff apart, so we'll leave it as is. I like the idea of someone's presence being "intoxicating," but I don't know that I would have put it that way. However, I do have a brief rewrite for a missed opportunity when Anakin saves Padme'. Beware of the bravado...

INT. SENATOR AMIDALA'S SUITE. ANTE-CHAMBER - NIGHT ...

Anakin's head suddenly jerks in the direction of Padme's room where the Senator lies asleep.

That's that. Not spectacular, I realize, but it's just a start...

Refugee transport - The whole decision of the Council to have him protect her and their talk is fine by me, and actually, I rather like the dialogue in the scene with the whole compassion = unconditional love concept. It shows Anakin's eagerness and Padme's reserve.

I would have liked to see Natalie Portman play this more awkwardly, as if Padme' is already fighting a bit of an attraction to Anakin. My main beef is that I was never able to distinguish *when* Anakin stopped being just the little boy from Tattooine to her (I assumed he did at some point, otherwise she's macking with an eight year-old).

For my purposes, I've made it when he saves her from the wormy Kouhuns things. I figure that shows him as being beyond capable with a light saber and then there's that whole sexy hero factor that could start to change a girl's mind.

Arrival on Naboo - Devoid of tension and romance, but fine. This was all explication to tell the audience why Padme' is no longer Queen, since Queen tends to be a job for life most of the time, but I have no specific issues here.

First kiss - Okay. Big issues here, but no rewrites. I love Anakin's description of sand and Hayden Christensen's delivery of the lines, but the added "everything here is soft...and smooth," with a well-timed stroke at Padme's back turned it into a cheesy come-on line. I would, if I were master of the Star Wars universe, have eliminated that line and the smooch.

Let me 'xplain. I think it should have been a moment of introspection for Padme' to hear Anakin's opinion of where he came from and just admire him, seeing the depth of this "boy from Tattooine." (Can you tell I dug that line?) I can imagine him saying that sand is rough and gritty and gets everywhere and then, "not like here." Then, he just looks out, admiring the lake, while Padme' admires him. We *see* her falling for him. So, for the purposes of this random exercise in futility, let's imagine that's the way it happened. ;)

Meadow picnic - The dialogue in this is fine as it comes across flirty and still manages to establish Darth Vadar Junior's motivations for being the ultimate dictator. In short, I like it well enough.

However, I would entirely cut out the riding of the "big-butted creatures," as a friend of mine called them. They were probably trying to foreshadow Anakin's taming of the animal in the Arena at the end, but we all get what the Force is, so he could have just tamed that animal and we would've accepted it.

Then, they had that let's-roll-around-together-as-if-we're-comfortable-with-our-relationship-thing. I'm sorry, but if two people are at odds romantically, rolling around in a field and landing on top of each other is going to bring about some emotional discomfort. So, I would have cut it out entirely. It might have been salvaged with - well, let me try writing it.

EXT. MEADOW - AFTERNOON
...
The startled animal runs across the body of the prone Padawan, darting to safety. Watching from a distance, Padme's smile fades to strained worry when Anakin's body remains motionless in the grass.

Suddenly, she stands up, climbing off the young man. A trembling hand to her forehead, she walks away, crossing the field. Anakin lifts his head, watching her go, confusion etched across his face. Sighing in frustrated agony, he lies back, staring up at the sky.

Breakfast in the Lake Country - This scene is random, but fine, though I don't understand what part of what Anakin was doing would make Obi-wan "very grumpy:" cutting a pear in half or using the Force to pass fruit? Regardless, the dialogue in this scene is fine, but, for the purposes of my self-indulgent rewrite, imagine it more strained and tense. Uneasy flirting.

Fireside chat - Here's where I have much beef. In fact, I decided to disregard everything from this scene except the outfits and the location. So, here's my rewrite, for what it's worth...

INT. NABOO RETREAT. PARLOUR - NIGHT

Anakin and Padme' sit beside one another on the love seat. A fire crackles in the fire place, illuminating the otherwise dark room with warm, unintentionally sensual light. Though both attempt a facade of ease, tension fills the room. This is a romantic moment just waiting for some romance.

Okay, that's that. Not spectacular, but hopefully an improvement over "I'm in agony...I'm haunted by the kiss that should never have been." At least we agree on that, Anakin. The words in the actual scene are beautifully poetic, but no one should ever say them out loud. It doesn't work. If I had a few more weeks, I could really get that scene to shine, but that's what I got for a couple hours of work.

Anakin's nightmare - This is minor, but since we find out later that Padme' heard him having the nightmare, I think this would have been a much more effective way...assuming, as we will, that the other scenes happened the way I think they should have. Note, however, that I am ignoring my personal distaste for people speaking out loud while having nightmares. Also note that Anakin is *not* sleeping flat on his back with his arms at his side. Who sleeps like that?!

INT. NABOO RETREAT. ANAKIN'S ROOM - LATE

Anakin lies in his bed. Sweat-covered, his sheets twisted around him, he jerks fitfully in his sleep, his rest troubled by a nightmare.

She closes her door.

That's really all. The rest of the movie and it's dialogue is fine, if occasionally cheesy. However, I stand by my opinion that their kiss before their "executions" in the Arena should have been their first kiss. I feel comfortable saying that because they both lived and therefore got to have many smoochies after the movie was over. :)

Also, I love the poeticism of Padme' being unafraid to die, but being afraid to die without telling Anakin how she feels and basically taking back what she'd said, and Anakin getting to fulfill his ten years' dream of kissing the woman he loves before he "dies." It's all so beautiful. The only thing I would change is I wouldn't have Anakin say, "you love me?" because he had to know. Why else would he suggest a secret relationship unless he felt reciprocated? But really, it's all fine from there on. Oh, there are other problems, of course, but the rest of Anakin and Padme's lines are tolerable. (Praise indeed, I know...)