First Rain
Lightning is dancing a furious
jig outside, I'm reading Asimovs' "The
Gods Themselves" (how appropriate during
this show of heavenly force)
Seagree dozes in my lap
a fuzzy gray-black ball.
She sighs, I smile,
return to my book.
Thunder explodes overhead
an atom bomb
I cringe, Seagree yowls, hair bristling
leaping off my lap to hide under the sofa.
A frightened child
holding knees to chest,
I rock myself
as you'd have done
if your arms could have reached from California to Crete.
-J. Anne Allphin
Bareback Riding
His back
wide, strong
sinuous marble
my hands over living silk.
We begin to move
tendons and muscle expand
rolling like waves between my thighs
fingernails dig into that broad back
legs press into warm flanks, clinging.
Blood rushes to my cheeks,
lungs refuse to breathe
we slow, mount and rider
His breathing heavy, my heart racing,
legs shaking.
With a trembling touch, I wipe the sweat
from his brow, kiss him on the nose,
say I love you
and drift off to sleep.
-J. Anne Allphin
Lizards lemonade
He sits,
waiting,
a lizard in the sun.
Slowly, a tired tongue
comes to wet lips that
beg for rain.
His eyes shift round the room
glittering tiny barbs
sharp and dangerous.
With a great sigh,
he heaves his weight onto
fragile bones.
Skin crunching like autumn
leaves underfoot,
he shuffles into the kitchen
for more lemonade.
-J. Anne Allphin
Sisters - for sweet Ophelia
At the railing of the bridge
Ripping petals off scarlet roses
each floats serenely into
the Seines brackish waters.
September sky weeps
fragments of living velvet
sink to black depths
stirring the sleeping siren
Petal after petal
-wake up my dear-
She rises, eyes glittering,
hair turning crimson circles about
pallid cheeks.
Her mouth curls maliciously,
remembers me.
She,
my haven, my sanctuary,
sings to me.
Her voice in my ears
calls me to madness
sets me free.
Sweet soul sister
I fall into her embrace
flowers caught in my hair.
-J. Anne Allphin
A word about scroll poems…
The format of the scroll poem was introduced to me by Ruth Mountaingrove who in turn credits Jerry Martien. The poem is to be read down each line then back up each line so that the first line of the poem is also the last line. Make sense yet? Try reading them out loud to get the full effect
Example:
She was sweet as chocolate
Her kiss luscious
This would be read: She was sweet as chocolate/her kiss luscious/she was sweet as chocolate.
Christmas ‘91
(A Scroll Poem)
Romance
it was Christmas Eve
and he wore a red Santa hat
he jingled as he walked
he brought
gifts
the chocolate was sweet
the Pringles salty
I read him my poetry
blatant, sensual, passionate
he read me e.e. cummings
his mouth close to mine
he didn’t kiss me
I was sure he would kiss me
-J. Anne Allphin
Everything I do?
-For Thomas and Tyler
"Look into my eyes, you will see what you mean to me..."
I look at you
my eyes glassy with anesthetic
keep talking darling,
doesn't matter what you say -you're
only trying to keep me awake anyway.
It’s almost sadistic, the damn nurse
holds the cotton ball soaked with
rubbing alcohol under my nose
anchors me in the reality of my
hand in yours while the other
clutches the silver crucifix around my neck
as the man between my legs
scrapes my womb for
three hundred dollars.
The pan fills with our child,
the nurse cleans the stains
from my thighs, but like Lady MacBeth
I will never be completely clean.
Pad in panties,
I wobble through novocaine haze
to the clinic bathroom.
They tell me I need to vomit,
to help me sober up - I feel worse than drunk.
The nurse motions, stick my
fingers down my throat.
Curling around the toilet
sweet clean porcelain - what have I done?
Just want sleep, fade away
slip into nothing like the bright dot
does when you turn an old T.V. set off.
Fingers in mouth, I gag
but no good, can't throw up
"Could you bring me a glass of water please?"
She doesn't understand
English isn't the official language of Panama.
"Agua Grande, por favor?"
"Si"
"Gracias"
Water tips the delicate balance that
the grape sweet tarts couldn't
here it comes, acid burning its way
through my mouth and nose
angry hornets flying out of my stomach.
Can they hear me in the office?
Do they care that I've lost my baby
and my lunch in the same hour?
The money exchanges hands,
you thank the good doctor for saving you
from fatherhood, but not in so many words.
I can't walk to the car,
you carry me to my waiting volkswagen.
The world dances around us
the sidewalk doing a jig
leaves on trees waltzing while
sunshine does the watusi off the pavement.
The car hugs me with warmth
as if to say "I love you sweetheart".
You bring the Beetle to life
pull away from the curve .
Fort Davis, finally
we cruise past the front gate
turn into the parking lot
metal on metal, we grind to a stop.
You hurry around, open my door
help me stand, let me lean on you.
Three flights of stairs to go
we take them
one
by
one
I think about the red stain
growing, threatening to penetrate
my clothes
mark me in scarlet
Hester Prynne.
Third floor,
you sweep me up into your arms
I'm Raggedy-Ann
the door to my room opens
you lay me down on fresh, clean sheets
don't know what to say so you
slink out the door.
Kat returns from work mad
seeing my legs propped on pillows
she knows what has happened
"I don't agree with what you did"
she states plainly
Christian convictions pinned to her shoulder
I had been working on my Catechism.
"Why did you do it?" she asks
"Because it was for the best" I return lamely
while Bryan Adams rings in my ears:
"I would fight for you - I'd lie for you
Walk the wire for you - yeah I'd die for you.
You know it's true, everything I do - I do it for you."
-J. Anne Allphin
Roses
i bring you red roses
and when they wilt
i shall bend
and entwine
the stems into
a circlet
so that you may
crown my head
with thorns
-J.Anne Allphin
Brandy and Rain
(For Brandilian)
I
Water floats
falls around her
mingles with tears
tries to wash away
mothers sorrow
II
Rayne
she thinks of you always
your spirit pounds down
demands
to come home
to know her arms
to wail
with human voice.
You shake her home
scratch at windows
only to see your reflection in Hunter.
Brothers,
one spirit
the other
flesh
III
She opens the door
emerges
as you embrace her with
fingers of mist
make her raven hair shine
with your kisses.
She misses you
her womb remembers your
kicks, punches, hiccoughs.
Her heart screams
WHY?
people tell her
"It was Gods will"
she recalls why she isn't
a christian.
IV
The world begins to stir
sunlight
breaks through
it will be
a beautiful day
filled with life
she returns to love her other children
but it is only in the
Rain
where she will find
peace.
-J. Anne Allphin
Moonstone Beach
Wind skims across waves
surfs to shore
the boulder beneath me
strong, stable
spray from the angry sea
pounding out its rage
kisses me with salt.
-J. Anne Allphin
Sakura
Travellers in tandem
road and creek
mirror each other,
writhing along the mountains side.
Pavement carves its way
into the belly of rock
water patiently smoothes
down moss covered stones.
Along the creek, Cherry Blossom trees
stand like sentinels, branches
sweep up and out, reach
over the water to their neighbors
a living umbrella.
Red, pink and white petals cascade,
fill the air with heady fragrance
and lay like confetti on the ground
others splash into the creek.
Blossoms bob like tiny twirling
boats before finally surrendering
settling down to
blanket the creek bed
-J. Anne Allphin
Didn't leave a note
He arrived
with lawn mower,
weed whacker and
invaded the pristine
bed I so faithfully
tended.
I planted my iris
only a few weeks ago
watched breathlessly
like an expectant
father wringing my hands
waiting for the earth
to erupt with green fingers.
I counted them joyfully, bragging
over the telephone
"Got another one today!"
I didn't leave a note yesterday
now I sift empty earth
for flower fragments
because the lawnmower man
blinded by botanical-demolition-fever
didn't care to notice
that these lovely creatures
weren't weeds.
-J. Anne Allphin
Ramblin'
Been writing crap
about
love
loss
pain
the evils of
the system
crap
crap
crap
can't seem to find
my place
can't write witty shit
like
"I saw Jesus eating sushi at the sea of Galalei"
or "illusions dellusions - can I get another
beer, man?"
got no niche
no audience
keep on boring
those fuckers at the Jam
I know the words are down deep
but I can't get the
cellar door open
“do some herb man”
yeah
not enough for the snack attack
just some to
grease the hinges
swing the door
open wide
and
write
write
write
write about societies creeping evils
the chicken shit
things people do
because they don't
want to face
themselves
But I got
no herbal remedies
so I
go to the
coffee company
for inspiration
sit around on
saturday nights
listenin' to the coffee jerk
preach the word of the blue collar man
Amen, brother!
I lose myself in
his words
voice
like honey
sticks to me
follows me home
no winnie the pooh stories tonight preacher man?
He talks about sex
doin it for the
hell of it
because it’s there
because it’s
something to
do
preacher man, you pay the piper yet?
we all do somehow
we get marked
by age or
babies
or V.D.
maybe
cold sores in the wrong places
still can't
help wondering
does he bite
or
does he scratch
does he make love in a fury
or talk dirty
is there passion
in his eyes
or
is he cold
like me?
I ought to charge for it
twenty bucks babe and you can fuck
me until I can't
sit down
I don't crave sex
I'm a
touch
junkie
need to cling
sink my teeth
into skin
and
crawl into ribs
curl up
and hide there
safe inside someone else.
-J. Anne Allphin
The hills sang of heather
blossoms
golden
in the sun.
We strung dandelions into
crowns
I was your
Queen
like the heather in the
breeze
I swayed into your
arms.
You held me
strong
and bound my heart with a
kiss.
-J. Anne Allphin
Dinner Time
The baby sleeps on the couch,
I'm making dinner
he looks like his father.
Tremors rake through my shoulders
I weep over the macaroni
my weight against the wall
jaw set, teeth clenched
lips pressed together like a tightrope
eyes squeezed shut,
trying to hold in memories that
ache to escape
I catch them in a bearhug,
wrestle them to the ground
YOU'RE NOT GOING ANYWHERE
I'm not ready to let go, let the fire die.
Say it
ADAM
Say it again
ADAM
lets stoke up the embers,
fan those coals until they glow with white hot fury
ADAM.
Stroll down memory lane Dear?
Remember
he wanted you to sleep next to him
knowing you couldn't have him
aware of the infidelities he committed
in the very bed you lay?
How about
When he refused to allow his name on his baby's
birth certificate?
Or more recently
When he didn't even send his own son a fucking
birthday card?
Can you believe that he once said
he loved you?
There, how’s that?
Happy now?
Yeah, the fire is raging again
the tears have evaporated.
Dinners ready.
-J. Anne Allphin
Song
Morning mists
curving fingers
weave down the mountainside.
Air, still and sweet in
the silent glen,
I lift my head
free the birds from my throat
break tranquility
waking the world with my voice.
-J. Anne Allphin
Learning Experience
Been bustin' my butt to
make the grade
Phi Theta Kappa
gotta be somebody
top ten percent
gotta get noticed for
my brains
my words
not my tight ass
padded bra - ya boys
this baby is from Frederick's
What am
I trying to say?
I don't know
maybe, I'd like
to get laid two nights in a row
maybe
get to wake up next to
the man who tried to beat
a second hole in my cervix
and
pick the hair from his head
out of my fingernails
instead of
cussing and crying
after he leaves satisfied
his seed trickling down my thigh after I
told him
don't come inside me
oops (son of a bitch)
oh shit fuck oh god oh my fucking god (fucking god?)
can't get to the toilet fast enough
out
out
get out of me
no white stuff
in the water
oh god oh god oh god
Was it worth the wait? He asks (so smug)
what? worth it?
do you think the next few weeks of waiting
are going to be worth it?
pregnant
or
HIV positive?
You know this will never happen again
he says
heading for
the door
to
think,
I just stuck my tongue up
his ass and
he didn't
even
take the time
to get
me off
I still want to be friends
snake smiles
Oh honey, that
got flushed down the
commode with
what little of you
dripped out of me
What do we do if I'm pregnant?
He shrugs
Not my problem, baby
flash his eyes
he didn't have the balls to
say it out loud
But, you still want to be friends
and I
still want to
punch your fucking lights out
Door shuts
shower again but
not enough soap
brand new bar
not enough to wash away
the last three hours
strip the bed
get rid of his scent
get it
off me
out of me
my underwear reeks
of him for
days as he
seeps from me
had to go to planned parenthood
for
the morning after pill
gave me four does of
Ortho Novum
and a
horse pill
to put up my butt if
they make me too queasy
even my period
smells of him
blood
doesn't even seem
to cleanse me
People wonder
why
I say
I've gone frigid
I try not to think about sex anymore
just keep bustin'
my butt to
keep the grades
stay Phi Theta Kappa
be somebody
top ten percent
still
I don't get noticed
for my brains
my words
just my
tight ass and
padded bra.
-J. Anne Allphin
Standing On My Own
I
Teetering on flat, tender feet
his pupils dialate from adrenaline
arms reach for unseen support
as first toes then heel leave solid foundation
launching into empty space
for a single exhilerating second
before thudding back to earth.
He giggles in triumph
tumbles into my waiting arms
his first battle with gravity a success.
II
Glass of milk hurtles to the floor
a nova of foam and shards
burn into scabbed knees as
I wipe through the haze.
Thoughts of the past filter into the present
as cries from flayed emotions crackle through
still raw
waiting for time to stitch
them back together.
A sliver of glass rips through soggy bounty
tearing into skin tough as orange peel.
It’s a familiar sting that brings thumb to mouth
and longing for mother, armed with Bactine
to wage battle against the invading evil, to
help the scrapes heal with band-aids, chocolate
chip sweetness and a little fortune-telling “You’ll
be alright”.
III
The corners of his mouth stretch trying to
meet each other at the back of his head.
He steps away
leaves my arms
unafraid of falling.
At the ends of stiff little legs
he picks each foot up
plants them one in front of the other in
a toddler goose-step.
He looks back, looses his phantom support
lands on diaper cushioning.
His grin flickers, relights as
he pulls himself up to try again.
IV
In the mirror I stare back at myself:
emotional paraplegic.
I look to my son as he scrambles up
even after he slips on the slick, mop-n-glow floor
head thumping like a dropped dictionary.
He keeps getting back up.
He is my priest, my personal Jesus, who
baptizes me in his trust.
He takes my hands into his crayola fingers
for a faith healing
my fingers laced in his, I’m ready to ascend
from a past that breaks my kneecaps daily
I can forgive, move on.
He pulls me up to my feet
sleepy cactus legs prickling to life
he steadys me with
coos and babbling, baby hallelujiahs
he releases me to strong
capable legs that don’t buckle or shatter like
china cups under my weight.
He claps his hands with glee
fingers spread in tiny human fans.
I grin back at him
“Look what Mommy can do”
-J. Anne Allphin
A word about scroll poems…
The format of the scroll poem was introduced to me by Ruth Mountaingrove who in turn credits Jerry Martien. The poem is to be read down each line then back up each line so that the first line of the poem is also the last line. Make sense yet? Try reading them out loud to get the full effect.
Example:
She was sweet as chocolate
Her kiss luscious
This would be read: She was sweet as chocolate/her kiss luscious/she was sweet as chocolate.
Union and Reunion
(A Scroll Poem)
We fall in love
euphoria
hands touch for the first time
caress, cling to one another
two bodies
two heartbeats side by side
warm, wet
sweat and blood mingle
lungs gasp
arms, legs struggle
we push
emerge
head, shoulders together
we push
skin pulls, burns, tears
we push
as pelvic contractions overwhelm
pain subsides to urgency
-J. Anne Allphin
About Daniel
I’m kind of at a loss for words
for once.
I’m faced with writing about something
non-traumatic.
I guess happiness is anathema to some.
There IS something outside of therapy poems!
For a change,
I’m not wronged.
I’m cherished
I’m loved….
I get laid every night!
I look into Daniels eyes and my face starts to hurt
he makes me smile too much and it aggravates my TMJ.
But,
he massages my jaw,
makes me lasagna and bakes a devastating cheesecake.
he rubs my feet and even changes the babies diapers!
He’s thankful for Jerry and isn’t
politically correct.
He's my best buddy, my sidekick
and when Daniel rubs his ginger beard on my belly…
Well, that’s not really any of your business is it?
Did I mention that he washes dishes and vacuums too?
I don’t even have to pay him, just love him, be nice to him, and
tolerate him after Mexican food. Trifles, really.
The truth is,
if I couldn’t wake up to him, naked save for
the silver rings on our fingers,
my writers block would be over.
-J. Anne Allphin