Date: 1/2/02

Hi all!  Here is my first effort of the new year.  I received several of
George Harrison's lesser-known CDs from hubby as a holiday gift.  This
songfic is from his "Dark Horse" CD.

Author: rita (mommacita1@juno.com)

Title: So Sad
Lyrics by the late George Harrison

Pairing: SB/Appy
Warnings: None.
Archive: Yes, please.
Feedback: Yes indeed - positive and negative are welcome.

Disclaimer:  I don't own them; I just like to play with them.

Summary:  A missing scene from the end of The Tombs of Kobol.  Note that
I use the novelization, which was far slashier than the episode, even
considering that the episode had the slashiest scene of the whole series
in it! Note that at the end of the episode, Apollo and Boxey go off
together leaving Starbuck in Cass's arms.  But at the end of the
novelization, Apollo is mourning in private while Starbuck cares for
Boxey. What was in Starbuck's mind as he brought Boxey to Apollo after
Serina's death - and what did he do about it?

***

Now the winter has come
To eclipse out the sun
That has lighted my love for some time.
And a cold wind now blows.
Not much tenderness flows
From the heart of someone feeling so tired.
And he feels so alone
With no love of his own.
So sad, so bad, so sad, so bad

***

"Doesn't Apollo want to be my dad anymore, Starbuck?"

"Of course he does, Boxey," Starbuck replied.  "He's just grieving for
your mom right now."

"She said she'd always be watching out for us," Boxey pointed out.  "And
that we'd always have her in here." He touched his heart.

"And so you will," Starbuck said, responding to the second statement,
unsure how to respond to the first.  It was difficult when he was so
uncertain about his own beliefs.  "You have all your memories to help
you.  But Apollo doesn't have that many memories of her.  They weren't
together very long."

"Only since the Destruction," the boy agreed, resilient as only the young
can be. "And they didn't get to be sealed hardly at all - the Star
appeared at their Sealing Ceremony."

"I think you understand," Starbuck said, forcibly repressing his
automatic - and totally unacceptable - response to Apollo's loss.  "But
he could probably use a reminder that he still has people who love him
about now.  Come on, let's go find him."

***

[Starbuck] knocked gently on the compartment door.

"Who is it?"

"Just me. Starbuck."

"What do you want?"

"Somebody here to talk with you."

"I don't want to talk with anybody just - "

"All right then, somebody here who needs you." ['Two somebodies.'] "Open
up, damn it!"

[Apollo] opened the door and saw Boxey standing meekly beside Starbuck. 
The boy looked miserable.  Apollo gathered him in his arms and embraced
him.

"I'll be down at the ... I'll be somewhere, if you need me," Starbuck
said, and limped down the corridor without waiting for an answer.

Apollo led Boxey into the room.

(Excerpted from "Battlestar Galactica 3: The Tombs of Kobol" by Glen A.
Larson and Robert Thurston.  Words in [square brackets] are mine.)

***

While his memory raced
With much speed and great haste
Through the problems of being there.
In his heart at arm's length
Held within its great strength
To ward off such great despair.
And he feels so alone
With no love of his own.
So sad, so bad, so sad, so bad. 

***

Starbuck paused for a micron after he heard the  door slide shut on
father and son, leaning on his cane and thinking of his own loss.  'I'm
sorry, Serina,' he said to her mentally.  Perhaps wherever she was, if
she was anywhere, she would get his message.  'I can't properly mourn you
- we were rivals joined in the conspiraccy to keep Apollo from ever
knowing it.  But you would have been good for him and you did help keep
him safe.  I'll do my best to take it from here.'  He sighed and
straightened up.  'Even if I don't really know how I'll do it.'

As he limped slowly through the halls, he wondered how Apollo had known
he was jealous of Serina, and whether he knew how deep and complete the
jealousy had been.  He shook his head.  It was his job to keep Apollo
happy - and ignorant of the love Starbuck bore him.  He had known that he
was born to keep Apollo happy the moment he laid eyes on him: to protect
and defend him, to comfort him, but never, never to let him know how much
and in what way Starbuck loved him.  It was actually one goal - Apollo
would *not* be happy if he knew his wingmate lusted for his body.  It was
not acceptable, not proper for a high-ranking Kobolian, heir to one of
the remaining Stars of Kobol, to be loved that way by another man.

Keeping Apollo in ignorance was getting harder.  Adama knew how Starbuck
felt, also knew he wouldn't act on his feelings, and entrusted Apollo
into his care.  Athena knew which Adaman Starbuck really loved - well,
now that Zac was gone she was sure; before then she had just known it
wasn't her.  And Cassiopeia, frak!  Why had she whispered, "Better grab
the opportunity while it's there, Starbuck."?  Because she knew, too.  He
shrugged.  She knew and was willing to be second choice to Apollo,
although not to Athena.  He chuckled.  Women certainly were different. 
*He* wasn't willing to be second choice to anyone, man or woman.  But he
had to.

He realized he was automatically heading for the OC and reversed
direction.  With his injured leg, his pace was slow enough that by the
time he got back to Apollo's quarters Boxey would be in bed, probably
asleep.  He would comfort Apollo as a wingmate, best friend, almost
brother.  And hide his true feelings where Apollo could never find them.

***

Take the dawn of the day
And give it away
To someone who can fill the part
Of the dream we once held.
Now it's got to be shelved
It's too late to make a new start.
And he feels so alone
With no love of his own.
So sad, so bad, so sad, so bad.

"Starbuck!  I'm so glad you came back!" Apollo exclaimed as he answered
the door chime.  "Boxey's just fallen asleep.  I can't leave and I wanted
to ... well, apologize.  I can't believe how badly I acted - first angry
that you brought Boxey, then closing the door in your face." 

"Ah, don't worry about it, Apollo," Starbuck said dismissively.  "You had
a lot on your mind.  Besides, I'm used to you.  What?" 

Apollo had paused and was looking curiously at Starbuck.  "Why did you
come back after I was so rude to you?" he asked.

"You know me, I'm almost impossible to get rid of."  He walked past
Apollo and sat down on the sofa.  "I figured since I'd forced you to put
on a brave face and all, I owed it to you to come back and offer a
shoulder to cry on - or whatever."  He patted the cushion next to him.  

Apollo hesitated for just a micron, the tactile memory of the feel of
Starbuck in his arms assailing him.  He had thought Starbuck was dead.
Not caring what his life was like - it would be empty without Starbuck -
he had let himself be led to altar.  Then Starbuck was back - he was
almost impossible to get rid of, thank the Lords - and then ... Had he
not been focused on shielding Starbuck from the Cylon fire, would he have
seen the glint of the laser pistol in time to save Serina?  He'd never
know.  But now Serina was irrevocably gone and Starbuck was palpably
present.  

He sat down hard, closer to Starbuck than either had expected. 
Starbuck's arms went around him and he laid his head on Starbuck's
shoulder, not to cry but to breathe in his scent.  Starbuck rubbed his
back with soothing strokes, completely silent.  Unusual for Starbuck, but
to Apollo it didn't seem odd.  Starbuck always knew the right thing to
do, even if he didn't do it.  Slowly Apollo's arms came up and pulled
Starbuck even closer.  'I'm sorry, Serina,' he thought to her, praying
she was indeed watching over them and understanding.  'I would have
forsaken all others for you, but Starbuck would still have been in my
heart.  I didn't want you to die.  But I didn't want Starbuck to die
more.'

And from where she was watching over them, Serina saw Boxey smile in his
sleep as Starbuck's soft voice penetrated his dreams.  She saw how
naturally the two wingmates came together, Apollo subconsciously avoiding
Starbuck's injured leg while Starbuck consoled him without the need for
words.  "Take care of each other.  Take care of Boxey.  I am at peace,"
she breathed into each of their minds.  Then with a gentle mental caress
to her son, she took her leave, assured that those she loved would be
well taken care of.