Title: Regrets

Author: Lucy (Vipercadet@crosswinds.net)

Rating: PG? I don't know, mildly suicidal thoughts but no violence or
swearing. Slash implied, but no sex. Yet.

Summary: Apollo's world has collapsed.

Regrets

The Bachelor Officers Quarters were dimly lit, since most of the
warriors were already sound asleep in their bunks. A few of them were
out with their lady friends, even fewer were sitting around a small
table, drowsy and having quiet conversations.

Captain Apollo fell down into a longseat and closed his eyes. He was
tired as Hades but he knew he wouldn't get much sleep, if he got any
at all. Not tonight.

It had been one of those nights. A long patrol, drinks in the
Officers Club and this weak feeling in his stomach that nagged at him
constantly. A vague feeling of discomfort wasn't new to Captain
Apollo, son of Adama. On the contrary. The Captain couldn't remember
the last time he had felt truly happy. Not since...

Someone put a glass of ambrosia in his right hand, and he accepted it
without opening his weary eyes. If this was all there was to life he
didn't care much if he died tomorrow, but somehow he felt too
lethargic to take the trouble of ending it himself. One of these days
a Cylon would blast him to Hades, and it would all be over. Being
reunited with his late wife wasn't the worst thing that could happen
to him.

Who was he fooling? He never loved Serina. But at least she had never
betrayed him, he thought sourly. He bit his lower lip in an attempt
to hold back the tears he knew would come. He felt fragile, emotional
and drunk.

A concerned hand touched his arm.

'Are you alright buddy?' came Boomers quiet voice. Apollo felt
himself trying to nod, but he was momentarily paralyzed. He couldn't
find the will to move.

'Apollo?'

It was Him. What the hell was He doing here... oh right. He lived
here. He heard himself moan, but it was as if the sound came from
somewhere far beyond him.

He felt the hand move from his arm to his forehead, checking his
temperature. He let it happen without protest.

'His temperature seems fine, could it just be the ambrosia?' he heard
Boomer whisper. A concerned hand on his arm, and his eyes fluttered
open. He would recognize the feel of those hands anywhere... it was
Him. Concerned blue eyes looking into his. Concerned... and guilty?
Was there guilt in those eyes?

'You hurt me' he whispered hoarsely.

Tears. Tears rolling down his cheek, and tears in the blue eyes
gazing at him. Apollo felt his world collapse under his feet as
everything around him turned black. Except for those blue eyes. Those
beautiful blue eyes, tender, loving. Guilty. Nothing could describe
the sorrow he felt, looking into those eyes.

'So bad...' he whispered. 'You hurt me so bad, Star.'

'I know,' came the husky reply. 'Lords, I know that 'Pollo.'

He closed his eyes. He didn't want to see the blue eyes, the tears of
pearls, the intense sorrow, the guilt.

'I loved you Star. I gave you everything...' his voice was hardly
audible. He sat still as the hand was removed and the figure
retreated. There was nothing he could do.

'I love you, Gabriel' he muttered. Then the world went dark once
more.

The pain in his chest was almost unbearable, and he found himself
unable to breathe. Stiffled sobs formed a lump in his throat. He
leaned against the wall of one of the corridors, trying to regain his
breath. He wanted to scream. Flardes of conversations were echoing
through his mind.

'Such a pleasure to meet you, Lieutenant... Lieutenant...
Lieutenant...'

He winced. No, don't think. Don't remember...

'I can give you what you need... need... need...' No! It's not right!
It's...

'Oh, you're such a pretty one, aren't you... aren't you...'

He cried out in anguish as he felt his whole being fall apart. It was
all so wrong. So wrong. His knees went limp as he slid onto the
floor, and he buried his head in his hands. He sat there for a long
time, crying.

She had been graceful like an angel, her feet hardly touching the
ground as she shred towards him, her golden hair forming a halo
around her perfect face. Her voice was soft and fresh like a summer's
breeze, the words she spoke sweet as milk and honey. She was
irresistible.

Her name was Aurora.

There had been soft lights, ambrosia, and the soft feel of her skin
against his, making his every nerve ending tingle with pleasure. It
had seemed the purest of Heavens, but it turned out to be his ticket
to Hades. He should have known.

He had been angry that night. His recollection of the fight was hazy,
but he could still feel the hurt he had felt then.

'Tell him, 'Pollo.' His voice had been strained, his heart broken.

'I can't, Star, I can't...'

'I said tell him! Tell the Commander who's bed you're in every
night.'

'Starbuck... I love you.'

'No you don't. If you loved me, you wouldn't keep me a secret. You're
a coward, 'Pol.'

'I love you.' His lover's voice had been no more than a whisper.

'No, 'Pollo. You don't love me.'

He had walked out. Away from Apollo, and straight into her arms.

'I love you, Gabriel'

His lover's whisper. Oh, how he wanted to hold Apollo right now. How
he needed to hold Apollo right now.

'I love you, Gabriel'

Gabriel. Apollo was the only one who knew Gabriel. Gabriel was the
one he could only be with Apollo. Starbuck was the persona, the myth.
Gabriel was his real name, and his very essence. His earliest memory
was a woman's voice calling him Gabriel. After that, it was only
Apollo who had called him Gabriel, late at night as they were wrapped
up in eachother's arms, their bodies tangled, making them one.

Aurora hadn't known Gabriel.

He hauled himself off the corridor floor, leaning heavily on the cold
wall. This could never be put right. Never.

There was only one thing to do. One thing to offer salvation.
Lieutenant Starbuck of Blue Squadron took a last sip of ambrosia, and
set his laser on kill.

'I love you, 'Pollo' he whispered. The shock of the laser beam caused
a stinging pain in his left side, and for a last moment of awareness
Starbuck wondered if he had hit his heart. Then he felt himself
collapse and the world went black.

----------------------------------

He awoke to a flashing light and a familiar voice. He rubbed his eyes
wearily, not quite ready to get up and face reality. Especially not
with the splitting headache the ambrosia had left him with.

'Captain Apollo?' he identified the bearer of the voice as Colonel
Tigh.

Apollo moaned and opened his eyes. The look on Tigh's face made him
realize that there was something wrong. Something terribly wrong.

'What is it?' He asked, not wanting to hear the answer. Deep inside,
he already knew.

'It's about the Lieutenant. He has... has had an accident.' Tigh was
blushing.

Apollo's mind was clear, his feelings non-existant. 'You're lying.'

Before the Colonel had a chance to answer, Apollo was on his way to
the Life Center. He was calm, composed, and prepared for the worst.
Ignoring the fact that his heart was shattered in a million
microscopical pieces, first by Starbuck's betrayal and now by his
attempted suicide, he kept his head cool. Yahrens of military
training had taught him to push all feelings aside in case of
emergency.

Dr. Salik met him as he entered the Life Center, and gently put a
hand on the warrior's arm. 'Starbuck is in room Delta nine' he said
softly. 'You can see him if you want to.'

Apollo looked around the Life Center as if searching for a sign, a
meaning. He felt completely lost, his composed attitude slowly but
surely slippping away.

'Why, Doctor?' Tears welling in his eyes. 'Why?'

Salik said nothing, but silently led him to Starbuck's room. 'The
Lieutenant is in here.'

Apollo took a deep breath, and entered the small white room. His love
was laying on small bunk, covered with white sheets, and small tubes
running in and out of his nose and right arm. His face was white as
the sheets, his golden hair spread out on the pillow.

Pale blue eyes fluttered open as Apollo laid a hand on his friend's
left arm. Fear. The fear in those eyes would haunt Apollo until his
death. He closed his eyes and took another deep breath. Memories
chasing through his head.

'Tell the Commander who's bed you're in every night.'

'Captain Apollo, my name is Aurora.'

'I didn't love her 'Pol, I swear I didn't...'

'I never want to see you again.'

'Are you alright buddy?'

'You hurt me so bad, Star...'

'I love you, Gabriel'

He reopened his eyes, unable to blink back the tears. He noticed
Starbuck was crying too, and he reached out to gently brush the salty
liquid from his lover's cheek.

He reopened his eyes, unable to blink back the tears. He noticed
Starbuck was crying too, and he reached out to gently brush the salty
liquid from his lover's cheek.

'Why, Star?' was all he could say.

Starbuck turned his head to face the wall. It was centons before he
spoke. 'I hurt you. I hurt the one person who makes my life
worthwhile.'

'Star...'

'I can never undo what I did that night, Apollo. Lords, if only I
could... but I can't. I pushed you away 'Pol, I know. But without
you, I can't live.'

'Gabriel.'

Starbuck turned his head back, his eyes meeting Apollo's.

'Can we... try again, please...' he whispered.

Apollo nodded, his tears flowing freely unto Starbuck's bed.

'I love you, Gabriel.'

The End