Title: NAND
	Author: rita (mommacita1@juno.com)
	Series: Part 3 (of 5? that I know of now) of the "What If?" Series
	Rating: NC-17
	Warnings: Domination/submission themes. Semi-consensual m/m sex.
	Codes: P/K; P/K/other

	Disclaimer: I don't own 'em, I just like to borrow 'em.

	Summary: Sequel to Then Else. For the computer nuts amongst us. For the
	rest of us, NAND means "and not", as in not Harry AND NOT Tom. Or as Harry
	puts it in this sequel to What If? And Then Else:

	It wasn't supposed to be this way. It wasn't supposed to be me instead of
	you. It was supposed to be not you and not me - both of us, not one or the
	other. I've got to make you understand.

	No. Trying to make you understand is what started this whole thing.

	I told you we need to write this down so it won't happen again. Tuvok says
	I have to get past the emotion to the logic. That the logic will lead to
	the truth. That I need to find the root causes. I guess that means going
	back to the start.
	
	I felt that you were taking over my life. I know that you did it because
	you were afraid of losing me. I guess that's why I let you. But after a
	while - a long while - it got embarrassing. I couldn't seem to talk to you
	about how I felt. Maybe I didn't really try. Maybe I wanted to control you,
	even then.

	I really surprised you, didn't I? I surprised myself. But you surprised me,
	too. You didn't fight me - not really, not like you could have. I had a
	phaser set on low stun just in case you did. I guess I didn't understand
	you as much as I thought I did. Just like you didn't understand me.

	What a muddle! I'm rambling. Logic. I need logic. This isn't the first time
	my emotions led me astray, just the worst. Oh, gods, Tom! I swore I
	wouldn't hurt you and look what I've done. I swore - I *swore* I ...

	***

	I hope they let you read this, Tom. They must have been monitoring us, they
	got there so fast. Tuvok's helping me now. I'll get through it. Chakotay
	will help you. You just have to let him in.

	/Focus, Mr. Kim. Your thoughts. Your feelings. Not what Mr. Paris should
	do./

	Right. I didn't expect to enjoy being in control. My whole point was to
	show Tom how I felt. But I did enjoy it. Right from the start. My plan went
	out the airlock. I started trying new things just to see how much he'd
	take. I forgot about giving him choices so he wouldn't feel totally
	helpless. I forgot why I started the whole thing. I forgot Tom was the
	person I loved.

	/Root causes, Mr. Kim. Why did you forget?/

	Right. I forgot because I got turned.

	/What 'turned you on', Mr. Kim?/

	I got turned on when Tom masturbated for me, knowing he couldn't come
	unless I allowed it.

	/Truth, Mr. Kim./

	It *is* the truth! I got turned on when I came in his face.

	/Why did you forget your purpose, Mr. Kim?/

	Because I was turned on. All I wanted was to feel that way again. And I
	realized I could - at least while we were alone in the shuttle. So I did.
	Each time I took a little more away from Tom it aroused me more. Each time
	what he felt mattered less. That *is* the truth, isn't it, Tuvok?

	/You must decide, Mr. Kim./

	Tom obeyed. He took whatever I dished out. And all I could think about was
	what I could do next - to make it better for me. Tuvok, do you think Tom
	noticed when I stopped caring how he felt?

	/What do you think, Mr. Kim?/

	Do you think he could tell the difference when I only touched him to calm
	him down - so he'd accept whatever happened next?

	/You must answer that - or ask Mr. Paris./

	Ask Tom? No. I think he must have been too far gone to notice, don't you?

	/Is that what you think, Mr. Kim, or is it what you want to believe? The
	truth, Mr. Kim./

	The truth. Tuvok, do you really want me to tell Tom the whole truth?

	/What I want is not at issue. You must tell yourself the whole truth./

	Yeah. And I guess Tom deserves to know just *how* completely his best
	friend manipulated him.

	Tom, you think you goaded me into escalating my control. That all this
	happened sort of by accident because you just couldn't get my point, don't
	you?

	/Mr. Paris is not here. Nor could he answer that question in his current
	state if he were./

	I know, I know. It's just - I needed to be in control of him so badly. So
	badly that I made sure he gave me good reason to need to "remind him" of
	how I felt.

	Tom, when you interrupted my discussions with Belanna or the Captain, did I
	ever tell you "no" or "not now" or "go away"? Did I even move away from
	you, or remove your hands or mouth. You know I didn't. I just acted
	annoyed and ignored you. I know how you respond when you're ignored. You
	gave me great reasons to show you how being controlled felt. After all, you
	had just done it to me, hadn't you?

	/Why did you do this, Mr. Kim?/

	Because I could. And Tom didn't even know it.

	/The truth, Mr. Kim./

	The truth. Damn. I did it so that I could control Tom totally - when he
	knew it and it took everything from him - and when he didn't, which really
	gave me total control over him. Before he gave it to me after the last
	time.

	/Continue./

	Gods, Tuvok, do I have to? Are you going to make Tom read this? It'll kill
	him.

	/Continue./

	Okay. I had Ayala lined up in advance. I got Tom all hot and bothered in
	Sandrine's and then shut him down. I came in my pants because it was part
	of my whole plan for the evening. I wanted Tom feeling completely guilty. I
	could have gotten up and walked away at any time. I could have stopped him.
	I didn't.

	Tom, you don't remember what happened after you collapsed, do you? Well, I
	do. Ayala was concerned about you. He thought - well, I guess he should
	tell you this, but I led him to believe he'd be helping me put you into
	your place once and for all. Like it was a one-time thing. Then I let you
	think it was "just this once", too.

	/Focus, Mr. Kim./

	Okay, so Tom collapsed and Ayala got worried. Not me. I grabbed my dick and
	did my victory piss all over him, just like always. I even invited him to
	join me. He just shook his head, got dressed, and left. Hey, Tuvok, Ayala
	went straight to you to confess, didn't he? That's how you showed up so
	soon. I forgot he was Security. Damn.

	/Irrelevant, Mr. Kim. Continue./

	Okay. I followed my usual routine: cleaned myself up, got dressed, picked
	up the cock ring and dildo. All the time I was thinking about what I could
	do next. I had this fantasy of setting Tom up in the Mess Hall, filling him
	and taking bets on how long he could hold it. I could picture him standing
	there with everyone watching - I'd force him to keep his eyes open so he'd
	see them watching him as he lost control.

	Take it easy, Tuvok, I knew it was a fantasy. I could never get away with
	that.

	Anyway. I started thinking about who I could share Tom with next, since
	exposing him to the whole crew in public was out of the question. I thought
	about who Tom would find most humiliating to perform for. Watching him obey
	when what he was doing was tearing him up inside was the best. But it had
	to be somebody who would really enjoy seeing Tom on the bottom.

	Ayala had been something of a disappointment. I thought it'd remind Tom of
	Auckland. I wanted him to beg. He hadn't begged since the shuttle. He
	didn't even cry anymore. He just did what he was told. And then, of course
	Ayala didn't really get into it. Oh, gods, listen to me!

	/Focus, Mr. Kim./

	So, I thought - Belanna? No. Tom, do you remember after I teased you until
	you grabbed me and started dry humping me in Engineering - admit it,
	though, Tom, that was fun for both of us, maybe the last time we both
	enjoyed sex at the same time. Anyway, Belanna would have cheerfully thrown
	both of us into the warp core if she wasn't afraid we'd damage it. So, not
	Belanna.

	Then I thought, Chakotay? I've heard all kinds of rumors about the Big
	Indian - some of them from you, Tom - and, after all, he had encouraged me.
	Even helped arrange things the first time.

	What was I thinking? Why am I still thinking like this? What's wrong with
	me? Look at me! I'm hard as a rock just talking about this.

	/We will get to that. Addiction comes on gradually; unfortunately the cure
	must be just as slow. Continue./

	Tom, that's what I was thinking while I tidied up. Then I went to put the
	ring and plug back. That's when I noticed. You were just staring, not
	unconscious, not conscious. You weren't crying, not even whimpering. You
	weren't shaking. You hadn't moved. You didn't blink. I - I thought I'd
	killed you. I thought the mind games I was playing had shut your body down.

	/What happened then, Mr. Kim?/

	I sat down. Right where I was. I started to cry. I stared at Tom. He stared
	back. I don't know how long we stayed like that. You probably do. Then he
	blinked. When he blinked I started thinking rationally - semi-rationally -
	again. I knew something was terribly wrong. And I knew I couldn't take Tom
	to sickbay like - like he was. The only thing I could think to do was comm
	Chakotay. He sort of knew - well, he knew the beginning ... Actually, I
	wasn't thinking very clearly. I thought he'd help me.

	/He did. He is helping you both./

	Yeah, right. No, I know he is. You both are. It's just that what I thought
	- like I said, I wasn't thinking too clearly - what I thought was that he'd
	help me cover it up. And then you were both there. And now...

	I got addicted, you said? Addicted. I don't think it was slowly or
	gradually. I think the first time Tom obeyed me in the shuttle - the first
	time he humiliated himself when he wasn't tied down - I think I was
	addicted then - to the power of it all. That's it, isn't it?

	/Yes. You have found the truth./

	Why aren't I in the brig?

	/You are ill, not, as your emotional language would have it, evil./

	Will Tom read this?

	/That is up to you to decide./

	Can I see him again?

	/Neither of you are emotionally ready for that./

	Will I ever be able to see him again?

	/That will be his decision when he can once again make decisions./

	When - not if?

	/When. But that may be a great deal of time from now. His will is deeply
	submerged./

	Why are you in my mind?

	/From here I can judge the truth of your words./

	Truth, Tuvok?

	/And you mine, it would appear. And I cannot trust my voice to carry
	impartiality./

	You find me loathsome.

	/I find your emotional state and its ability to overcome your rationality
	closer to the Vulcan Pon Far than I have ever seen in a human./

	/Can you help me, Tuvok?/

	/Very good. I believe I can. Much as an experienced adult Vulcan teaches a
	younger one to control those emotions, only unleashing them by mutual
	consent with his mate at agreed upon intervals. If you are willing./

	/Teach me, please./

	End