Date: Dec 2001 
   
Title: Happy New Year
Author: rita (mommacita1@juno.com)
Pairing: Face/HM
Warnings: None.
Rating: R, I think, although it's explicitly slash and has references to
X-rated activities in the past and very near future.
Summary: It's New Year's Eve in the Come In AU, the second New Year's Eve
since Face returned.  He's pretty much recovered but it's a tossup who's
less convinced of that: Face or the rest of the Team.  

***

Face glanced apologetically at the dental hygienist and managed to answer
his cell phone on the third ring.  "Peck."

"Facey?  Where are you? Are you okay?"  Murdock's panic-tinged voice
sounded tinnily in his ear.  

Face could picture his friend running an agitated hand through his long
strands of thin brown hair. In the background he heard BA ask, "Where is
he?" and Hannibal's query of "Is he all right?"

"Dentist?" Face responded, his tone turning the single word into a
question.  "Wasn't I supposed to be?"

Murdock sighed.  "No.  I mean yes." He took a deep, calming breath as Dr.
Richter had taught him.  "Yes, Facey, you are supposed to be at the
dentist's.  I forgot I made the appointment for you.  BA, he's at the
dentist's - right where he should be.  Hannibal, he's fine. Now both of
you shush up."  There was another pause, then, "Geez! Talk about mother
hens!  You still there, Face?"

"I'm here."

"I'm sorry I forgot about the dentist."

"It's okay."

"Are you all right there by yourself?" Murdock hated asking the question,
but he could feel two pairs of eyes staring at the back of his neck and
willing him to do so.

"I think so."

"Do you want company?" When no response was forthcoming, Murdock
elaborated.  "I can have the ugly mudsucker here drop me off on his way
to the Center."

"Okay."

Murdock suppressed the sigh this time.  They were trying to give Face
privacy and independence - room to make his own decisions.  But when he
did, like going to the dentist himself, they second-guessed him.  How
could Murdock be surprised if Face then refused to make the next decision
they presented him with.  "So.  Good," he replied finally, as if Face had
made an unambiguous response.  "I'll be there as soon as we're done
loading the food."

"'Kay."  

Murdock hung up the phone and turned to glare at his fellow Team members.
 Had Face's last "okay" sounded like an "if you must"?  Well, too late
now.  

"I'll take you over there now, man," BA offered.  "Then I'll come back
and Hannibal and me can finish loading the van."

"Good idea, BA," Hannibal said approvingly.

"*Bad* idea," Murdock corrected.  "Phenomenally bad idea.  I said I'd be
over after we loaded the van." 

"He can't handle the dentist by himself," Hannibal said firmly.

Murdock folded his arms and shook his head. "Look, Colonel, we're either
gonna trust the Faceman to tell us when he needs help or we're not. If
we're not - if you're ordering me not to - then we oughtta be up front
with him about it."

"Fool's right, Hannibal," BA rumbled. "Faceman'll know if he's there too
early. He knows we getting everything ready for watching the kids
overnight and how long that should take. He always knows those things."

The two men looked at their CO, waiting for his decision.

***

"Sorry," Face said softly, not meeting the hygienist's eyes.  He pocketed
the phone and sat back, willing himself to relax. For almost an hour he
had thought the Team finally trusted him to meet a commitment on his own.
 

"It's all right," the hygienist assured him.  "This happens all the time.
 When some suit comes in on his lunch break, I make him turn the phone
off.  If I'd known you were packing, I'd have insisted on the same from
you."  Face obediently pulled the phone out again and turned it off. 
"Now, is that going to cause you a problem with your Team, Mr. Peck?"

Face shook his head.  "They know where I am now.  It's okay."

"Did I hear you say you drove yourself here?"  Face nodded.  "Well, in
that case I can't sedate you or you won't be able to drive home. Shall we
give it a try anyway?"

"I'm game if you are," Face said.  There had been a time when he'd gone
to the dentist at least as often as the other three combined.  Now it
took someone else making an appointment after noticing he was in pain and
then he had to be sedated and restrained.  "Why don't you just put the
restraints on now?" he suggested.  

The hygienist hesitated.  "If you're sure..."

"I am.  I know I get wild and I don't want to hurt you or Dr. LaVallee if
I panic."

The hygienist left the room and returned with Dr. LaVallee and a rubber
sheet that they hooked under the seat on one side, drew over Face,
capturing his arms underneath, then hooked under the other side of the
seat.  Face smiled reassuringly at them.

"I'll tell you everything before I do it," Dr. LaVallee said as he moved
out of Face's line of sight and saw him tense.  "Right now I'm going to
put the head clamps on."

"I'm ready," Face said firmly, leaning his head against the back support.

***

Murdock opened the door into the waiting room from the parking lot at the
same time Face opened the door from the examining room.  They steadied
each other and Murdock took advantage of the moment to look closely at
Face.  He was pale, but not shaking.

Face waited until Murdock loosened the grip he had unconsciously
tightened around Face's arms to hold him in place for inspection.  Then
he turned away and pulled his jacket from the hook on the wall and put it
on.  Turning back, he said, "I thought you'd be waiting for me."

Murdock shrugged and grinned.  "Yeah, now I don't even get a chance to
catch up on the latest "Highlights for Children".  How'm I gonna know
what Goofus and Gallant are up to?"

"You'll survive," Face assured him.  "Goofus makes a mess and leaves it
in the middle of the room, like you do ..." he began.

"And Gallant is neat as a pin, just like you!" Murdock finished for him. 
The two men exited laughing.

***

"You okay to drive, Facey?" Murdock asked as they approached the
Corvette.

"They didn't give me anything but Novocain," Face replied, letting
Murdock decide.  He didn't want Murdock driving his precious 'Vette, but
didn't feel Murdock would actually trust his judgment on whether he was
okay to drive or not.

"Okay, then," Murdock said easily and swung into the passenger seat.

They were halfway back to the house when Face stiffened and gripped the
steering wheel tightly.  

"Face?"

"Delayed reaction," he replied from between clenched teeth. "Gonna pull
over."  He pulled into a truck turnout and turned off the ignition,
sitting with bowed head.

Murdock recognized the symptoms of a panic attack and reached over
tentatively, not wanting to invade Face's personal space.  Murdock
couldn't see his expression, but Face was trembling.  He began rubbing
the blond's back in small circles with one hand, keeping his distance.

"Want to tie me in back so you won't be late?" came a cracked whisper.

A number of possible responses went through Murdock's head.  He settled
on the least judgmental.  "Late for what?"

"The party at the Center.  Hannibal and BA must be waiting for us ...
you."

"Us," Murdock corrected. "But they'll manage.  Some of the older boys can
help them set up." He decided to ask the most judgmental question.  "Why
would I want to tie you up?"

"So I won't freak out any worse."

"You think you will?"  Face shook his head 'no'.  "Then why should I? 
You're just having a delayed reaction, like you said." The trembling
eased under his hand. He slid closer and began massaging the slumped
shoulders.  "Just take a minute to catch your breath."  Face sighed and
leaned into the massage.  Murdock smiled as an idea occurred to him. 
"So, Facey, you really wanna go to the Center tonight?"

Face looked over his shoulder in surprise. "I ... didn't know I was
going," he murmured.

"Did you have other plans?" Murdock asked, consciously suppressing his
own surprise.

"No, but ..."

"But?"

"Last year Hannibal locked me in my room."

"Last year was a lot different from other years, Facey," Murdock reminded
him gently. "You didn't hardly know who you were.  And we weren't sure
ourselves who you were."

Face nodded.  He turned towards Murdock, who dropped his hands.  "The
year before that ... no, it's okay, HM," he said quickly as Murdock
opened his mouth to speak.  "The year before I wasn't there.  I know." He
lowered his eyes, then laughed sadly.  "I don't think I even knew when
the year changed."  He looked up again.  "Did you guys do this kind of
thing before that though?  I don't remember ..."

Murdock shook his head.  "No, you're not forgetting.  There was no way
when you were all on the run.  And I had a previous commitment, you'll
recall."

Face laughed at the haughty tone.  "I do recall, HM.  I also recall I
almost certainly had a 'previous commitment' on New Year's Eve in years
past."  He straightened and leaned back in his seat.  "I feel steadier
now.  Where to?"  

"That brings us back to my original question: you really wanna go to the
Center tonight?"

"Hannibal and BA must be expecting me to," Face said with a frown. 
Neither man had mentioned his presence, but if Murdock hadn't been
instructed to lock him up, it must mean he was to participate in the New
Year's Eve sleepover at the Children's Center BA had founded.

"Not what I asked, Facey," Murdock said lightly.

"What else would I do?" Face asked, genuinely puzzled.

"Well, let me put it this way: even I can think of things to do on New
Year's Eve besides watching a bunch of kids so their parents can go out
with a clear mind."

Face chuckled.  "Yeah, I guess I can, too."

"I would hope so!" Murdock exclaimed.  "You are the master of 'better
things to do than that'. I bet you could show me a real good time if you
wanted to." He waggled his eyebrows suggestively.

"Are you inviting me to take you out on the town, Captain?" Face said,
arching an eyebrow.

He looked like ... he looked like Face, Murdock realized.  The old Face,
before Stockwell took him.  And Murdock knew he had to answer quickly,
before this Face submerged again.  "Yeah.  That's what I'm doing," he
announced.

"Well, as long as you understand that the one who does the inviting is
the one who pays," Face said, as a teasing smile played around his mouth.

"You got a deal, muchacho," Murdock confirmed.

"Well."  Face took a deep breath and reached for the ignition key.  "Then
I guess we've got a date."  He turned the car on and signaled to get back
on the road.  "First stop is home to pack overnight bags and get into
suitable attire."  He glanced over at Murdock and smiled at the look of
delight on his face.  "And while I drive us home, you get to call
Hannibal and break the news of our ... other commitment tonight."

***

Hannibal had not taken the news well.  In point of fact, Murdock had made
the announcement, "Face and I have other plans for tonight, Hannibal. 
We'll be by in the morning to help you two clean up," and hung up as
Hannibal began his response.  So now, while Face called in an old favor
or three to get reservations late on New Year's Eve afternoon, Murdock
called the Center again.  

"Children's Center - we opening at 5 tonight, pick up at 10 tomorrow
morning," BA answered.

"Hannibal calmed down yet?" Murdock asked.

"Just about had to peel him off the ceiling.  What you say to him, fool?"
 BA growled into the phone.

"Is he there?"

"Nah.  Sent him out for more ice.  In mah van! This better be good."

"It is, BA, it is.  Face, he's come back some more, if you know what I
mean."

"I know. I seen it just like you.  Little by little.  Right from the
start.  But you know, Hannibal never seen it at all until Face remembered
who he was himself and everything that had happened."

"I know."

"An' whatever happened today, he ain't gonna believe it."

"I know."  Murdock had a horrifying thought.  "BA!  He wouldn't come
looking for us, would he?"

"No.  I told him he don't get his sorry ass back here with that ice in
half an hour he might as well say goodbye to me along with you and Face,"
the big man said proudly.  "Bad enough there's only gonna be two of us
an' all them kids - well, four counting Maggie and Mama - he can't go
flippin' out."  He paused for breath.  "I figure Maggie take care of him
once he gets back.  So what you gonna do?"

"He's gonna show me what New Year's Eve is all about, BA!  He's making
reservations now."

"Sure sound like he come back to hisself some more.  Good for him!"  He
chuckled.  "Good for both of you," he said more quietly.  "Enjoy
yourself, fool."  He hung up chuckling.

***

They were in Vegas at the MGM Grand.  Somehow Face had arranged for a
Lear jet and all Murdock had to do was file the flight plan and they were
on their way.  A limo met "Mr. Peck and his guest" at the airfield and
whisked them directly to the bright lights.

They checked into a luxurious two-bedroom suite and Face confirmed their
reservations for the early dinner show in the Cabaret. They had plenty of
time to bathe and relax before going downstairs again.  Face seemed in
his element, totally at ease, even supervising Murdock's choice of suit
and tie, retying the latter for him when the knot proved unacceptable to
his critical eye.

It wasn't until they were seated in a small alcove overlooking the stage
and the sommelier offered them the wine menu that Face faltered.  He
hesitated and looked helplessly at Murdock.  Murdock picked up for him
without missing a beat.  "We'll have a bottle of your best champagne," he
said in his best upper-class accent.  "After all, it is New Year's Eve."

After the man made a suggestion, which Face confirmed with a nod, and
walked away, Face stammered, "Murdock, am I allowed to ... I mean with my
meds ...."

"I checked with Richter, Facey, and it's okay.  He said you should
probably skip the sedative tonight at bedtime, but other than that,
you're okay to enjoy yourself."

Face looked at him measuringly.  "Been planning this for a while, HM?"

Murdock shrugged and smiled.  "Who else could take me out on the town,
BA?  Only if I wanted to watch the WWF.  Hannibal? To Universal City or
Disneyland, sure. Oh, he could fit in, better than I do, I'd guess, but
he couldn't get us in, now could he?"

The champagne arrived and the first glasses were poured and drunk to a
toast for fine times ahead.  Face consulted with the waiter and ordered
for both of them and turned back to find Murdock refilling their glasses.
 He smiled but said nothing.

Their appetizers arrived quickly and they had little time for talk as the
efficient wait-staff removed plates as soon as they were empty and
replaced them with full ones in order that they be finished before the
show started. 

As they sipped coffee and toyed with dessert, the lights dimmed and the
stage show began.  Murdock lifted the champagne bottle from its bucket to
refill their glasses before it got too dark to do so and realized the
bottle was empty.

Face watched him through lowered lashes. "Why Captain," he said softly
but with laughter in his voice, "are you planning to ply me with liquor
and then have your way with me?"

Before Murdock could think of a suitable reply, the orchestra began with
a loud flourish precluding further conversation.  He sighed with relief
and turned eagerly to watch the scantily clad dancers take up the stage. 
Face laughed silently at the expression on Murdock's face, then turned to
enjoy the show.

When the lights came up, the audience rose and bustled about getting
their belongings and leaving the room.  As Face and Murdock strolled out,
Face let his shoulder brush against Murdock's and his fingers graze the
back of Murdock's hand.  Murdock looked over to find laughing blue eyes
waiting for his. "You never did answer my question, HM," Face smiled.

"I just wanted to see you enjoy yourself, and me, too," HM mumbled.  His
eyes lit on a lounge to the side of the casino.  A four-piece band was
playing old standards.  "Want to get a nightcap?" he asked, changing the
subject.

"I think you are trying to get me drunk, Murdock," Face said. "But sure,
neither of us is driving, and you said Richter okayed it, so why not."

As they sat sipping their liqueurs, Murdock reflected that Richter had,
in fact, okayed a number of things.

~~BEGIN FLASHBACK~~

"But he went from needing rough sex, to wanting tender sex for
reassurance, to ... to nothing!  I don't understand, Doc."

"Well, HM, consider the changes he's been through.  The rough sex was
addictive and reinforced by the drugs he was being given.  After that, he
didn't know who he was supposed to be or how he was supposed to act.  The
only confirmation he understood was sexual.  But now he knows who he was
and ... what he became. He's focused on getting back to full control over
his impulses, pretty much to the exclusion of everything else."

"Yeah, well, I know he gave us all what he thought we wanted - ever since
I've known him he's done that.  Even in the camps when they were ...
torturing him like that, he'd give himself to us freely, willingly.  Then
when Stockwell started threatening him, he started, you know, a woman
every night."

"The Lieutenant has a very high libido, HM, and very low self-esteem.  It
was very nearly a fatal combination for him."

"I know, I know that.  And none of us are forcing him - hell, we're not
even hinting, just like you told us.  We backed off and we're waiting for
him to make the first move.  But, Doc, I'll tell ya, I don't think he
will."

"And you want him?"

Murdock looked down at his hands.  "It's not just sex for me, Doc.  Never
was.  He's special.  I don't think he ever believed me when I told him. 
But now.  Hannibal's back with Maggie - he never wanted a sexual
relationship with Face anyways - it's just something that happened to all
of us in 'Nam from time to time, and Face was always willing.  And BA,
man, he feels so guilty for what he did with Face.  Even though he knows
he's the only one who could've broke through that way.  But, see, he
never took Face in 'Nam.  I think he let him suck him off once or twice,
when things were really tense and there was no one but the two of them to
get the heat off,  but that's it.  But me, I really care about him. 
Always have."

"Then let him know, HM," Richter said gently.

Murdock brightened instantly.  "Really?"

"Really.  You may well be right; he may never reach out that way to any
of you, even if he wants to." Richter cleared his throat.  "To be honest,
I didn't think it mattered whether he did or not, as long as no one
pushed him. But I didn't know how you felt.  Probably he doesn't either,
or doesn't believe it or trust his memories.  Just one thing, though,
Captain."

"Anything."

"You've got to go slowly and carefully.  He's still very unsure of his
... humanity, let alone his sexuality.  Present opportunities gradually
and be prepared to retreat if he shows any hesitancy or uncertainty at
all.  He won't refuse you, quite possibly he can't, but even if he could,
he won't out of fear of rejection or punishment - it's become ingrained.
So be careful.  But let him know the possibility is there."

~~END FLASHBACK~~

"Murdock?  You okay?"  Face looked at him with an expression of concern.

"Sure, Facey.  I'm fine.  Why?  You tired?"

Face shook his head.  "No, you haven't gotten me drunk enough yet to put
me to sleep. You just seemed miles away."

"Just thinking."

"Penny for your thoughts."

'Hey!' Murdock thought. 'Who's seducing whom here?'  Maybe he should find
out.  "Just wishing we could dance.  The music's nice." He nodded at the
- all heterosexual - couples on the smalll dance floor.

"Not a good idea here," Face said, "But I used to know a couple of places
... Wait here, I'll be right back." He hurried away and Murdock soon saw
him in consultation with the concierge.  He appeared back at the table a
few minutes later and appraised Murdock critically.  "Okay, take off the
tie and unbutton the top button of your shirt and we're set.  There
should be a taxi out front right about now."  He did the same with his
tie and shirt and, taking Murdock by the arm, encouraged him towards the
main entrance.

Despite Murdock's assertion that he wanted to dance, they sat for almost
an hour at a small table sipping cocktails before he got up the nerve to
ask Face out on the dance floor. As they swayed to the music, Face
teasingly nipped Murdock's earlobe and whispered, "You know, for someone
who's trying to seduce me, you're making me work awfully hard! I thought
I was going to have to ask you to dance."

"Aww, Facey," Murdock whined, "I'm new to this, ya know."

"New to seducing me?" Face said, laughing.  "I don't think so.  Why I
remember back in 'Nam, there I was a newly minted, green as grass First
Looey, innocent as the morning dew..."

"My ass!" Murdock expostulated.

"No, mine, if I recall correctly," Face retorted.  "Okay, maybe I wasn't
innocent, but you weren't shy either."

"True enough," Murdock considered.  "And even if you weren't innocent,
you sure were beautiful.  Still are."

"Ah, now you're getting back in tune," Face said as they left the dance
floor and returned to their table.  "But, HM," he continued after they
sat back down, "You didn't have to do this." He gestured with his drink. 
"Any of this," he added.  "You can have me anytime you want, any way you
want.  You know that."

"I do," Murdock agreed, nodding.  He put his drink down and put his hand
over Face's on the table.  "But that's not what I want.  It's never been
what I wanted."

"I ... don't understand," Face said, confusion clouding his expression.

"Oh, I want you, Faceman," Murdock affirmed.  "I've wanted you from the
first time I laid eyes on you, shining in the sunlight.  Wanted you
enough to share you rather than not have you."

"But you have had me - right from the start.  Except when Stockwell ..."

"Don't go there," Murdock instructed firmly. "Stockwell was wrong - both
times."  At Face's headshake, and the tears that filled the blue eyes,
Murdock's heart ached.  He did the only thing he could think of, he
reached across the tiny table and pulled Face's head to him and kissed
him, holding the kiss until they both ran out of breath.

"Okay, you've convinced me," Face said when he'd caught his breath.  "I'm
not ... what Stockwell thought.  But still, you could have had me, did
have me, almost anytime you wanted - unless someone else got there first.
And even then, you could have had me, usually, just not to yourself."

"Okay, I'm not getting through to you," Murdock said.  "I don't want you
that way. I don't want to share you."

"Okay."

"You don't understand, do you?"  Face shook his head.  Murdock started to
speak again then thought better of it.  "Not here.  Let's go back to the
room."

***

As soon as they entered their suite, Face began to strip.  Murdock
stopped him by holding him tightly.  "Sit." When Face obeyed and sat on
the couch, Murdock paced back and forth in front of him.  "I don't want
you to strip.  I don't want a performance. When I said I didn't want to
share you, I didn't mean group sex or a gang bang.  I meant I don't want
to share you with anyone ever.  I don't want Faceman-the-slut.  I don't
want Lieutenant-the-pleasure-slave.  I don't want a comfort fuck or a
buddy fuck or any kind of fuck."

"What else can I give you?" Face said hopelessly.

"I don't want you to give me anything, Facey," Murdock replied.  He knelt
in front of him and stroked the puzzled face.  "I want to give to you."

"Like BA?" Face asked after a thoughtful pause.  Even as he asked it, he
knew he was wrong, but he couldn't imagine what else Murdock might think
he was worth giving.

"Not exactly.  BA gave you what you needed physically and emotionally.  I
want to give you what I need."

"I truly don't understand," Face admitted.  "I'm sorry."

Murdock kissed Face gently, almost chastely, on the lips.  "I want to
love you.  I do love you.  And I want to show you."

"Love?" Face queried.  It was a word never applied to him except as a
euphemism for lust.

"Love." Murdock affirmed.  "Will you let me make love with you?"

Wordlessly, Face nodded. Eyes wide open, Face watched as Murdock removed
his shoes, then kicked off his own.  Next he removed their jackets. Then
he gently turned Face and stretched him out on his back.  

Kneeling next to him, Murdock kissed Face's temples, then his cheeks, the
tip of his nose, and his chin.  Stroking the blond hair, he leaned in and
kissed the blue eyes closed.  Only then did he press his lips against the
partially open pair beneath him. 

Lifting his head slightly, Murdock saw Face's eyes were open again and
kissed them closed once more, making the blond smile. He traced the smile
with his tongue and then let the tip of his tongue dart into the mouth
that opened in a laugh.

Face had never felt such tenderness.  Some of his partners had been
gentle, yes, but never had he experienced anything like this.  The third
time Murdock's tongue entered his mouth, he sucked gently, as tender as
Murdock had been, and put his arms around Murdock's neck, pulling himself
up and towards the man who was giving him this new experience.

After a moment, feeling sure that Face didn't need to take control, but
was reciprocating in kind, Murdock put his hands under Face's shoulders
and knees and lifted him. Face was still too thin and weighed too little,
so he was no burden as Murdock carried him into one of the bedrooms.  

The bedside lamps had been turned on and the bed turned down.  Murdock
carefully put Face down in the same position he had been on the couch. 
Murdock withdrew from Face's mouth and kissed it chastely again.  Then he
ran his hands down Face's body, noting the soft erection.  Face arched
into his hand, only to be pushed back down.  "That's sex, Facey," Murdock
murmured between tiny kisses, "We're going to make love."

"Love," Face repeated, raising his arms to encircle Murdock's neck again
and returning the kisses..  "Feels ... different.  Softer.  Slower." He
laughed softly, his breath fluffing the hair at Murdock's neck.  "We've
still got all our clothes on, but it feels like we've already been making
love. I could do this all night and not get tired."

"That's right.  With love you got plenty of time.  All the time in the
world."

"Love.  I want to learn about love, HM.  Will you teach me?"

"Ah, Facey.  I've been waiting for you to ask since the first time I saw
you.  Yes, I'll teach you. And you can teach me. We can spend the rest of
our lives learning about love."

The clock in the main room chimed twelve times.

"Happy New Year, HM.  I think it's going to be a good one."

"Happy New Year, Face.  It's going to be the best ever."