Well, it's now 12:04am, eastern daylight time so it's Iris's birthday by my reckoning! Yaaaaaaaay! Happy Birthday, Iris! "Beauty and the Nobdoy", a Fractured Fairy Tale written in honor of Iris's Birthday Pairing: A/S if there is one at all Rating: PG (Well, they do kiss, so PG) By Val (cartasonne@yahoo.com) and Rita (mommacita1@juno.com) Warnings: None - really! **Rita wrote the fic, so my comments are in between the stars - there is one warning - cute kid alert!** Disclaimer: We don't own the boys, we just like to play with them. And this time we put them back the same way we found them, just a little rumpled. The nobdoy was invented by Val, who holds all rights to it **Geez, all this from one little typo...**. Its personality, however, was invented by Rita. You figure out who gets custody! Summary: Starbuck's bothered by something - or is it someone? Dear Iris, We wrote you a birthday fic, If you get a tummy ick, And you moan and groan in woe, don't forget you asked for it! **with apologies to the Three Stooges ** We join Starbuck in his psychotherapy session with the psych machines down in the Devil's Pit. "I started to realize I've been living a lie - lying to myself and to everyone else in order to avoid the truth. I'm *not* a womanizer. I don't want to go flitting from lover to lover. It's just that the person I really do love ..." ~I'm sorry, but your centar is over. We will pick up from here next secton. A reminder will be sent to your private account one cycle before the appointment.~ "What!? I'm about to have some kind of a break-through here and you call 'time'? Since when did you start watching the chrono and counting the microns?" ~Well, lately this facility has become very popular again.~ "Right. Since I rediscovered you. Don't I get any benefit for that?" ~Thank you for making the populace aware of this facility's existence.~ "That's it, huh?" ~It is important to this facility's clients that their privacy be maintained. You must leave now to avoid meeting the next client. If you continue to refuse to leave, Security will be called.~ "All right, I'm going, I'm going." Starbuck strode out of the psych chamber muttering, "Frakking machines!" "Pardon, I couldn't help overhearing your session with the computer. And you've actually aroused my curiosity - not an easy thing to do after all these yahrens. But tell me, dear chap, whom is it you *do* want to spend the rest of your life with?" Starbuck spun in a slow circle, hand on his pistol. "I must be hearing things. Maybe I should be going to the psych room twice a secton," "Don't be silly, old chap, there's nothing wrong with your hearing. Now if you'll just tell me ..." "Who are you?" Starbuck interrupted. "I am a nobdoy," the voice told him proudly. "I thought a nobdoy was part of a fancy piece of furniture." "Well!" The nobdoy was clearly offended. "A nobdoy is a kind of goblin. Every child knows that." "I am hearing things, things from children's stories," Starbuck muttered. "Well, if you're going to be insulting," the nobdoy sniffed and then fell silent. Starbuck stood tensely still for a few additional centons, then decided whatever hallucination he had been having was over. "Devil's Pit. Why can't they move the frakking psych room to the upper levels?" He shuddered then walked swiftly to the lift. *** Leaving the lift, Starbuck almost ran down Brie. "Sorry, Brie," he said, steadying her and smiling to put the shy cadet at ease. "I wasn't looking where I was going." "Oh, that's all right, Lieutenant," Brie murmured, looking up at him from beneath lowered eyelids. "You have more important things to do than watch out for a silly cadet." "Never!" Starbuck insisted. He leaned forward and kissed her on the cheek. "What could possibly be more important?" Still smiling, he sauntered off, leaving Brie blushing and bemused, one hand held gently against the kissed cheek. "Is she the one?" "Leave me alone," Starbuck muttered, his smile vanishing. "You do not exist. Go away." "If I don't exist, how can I possibly go away?" the nobdoy asked. "Go away," Starbuck repeated through clenched teeth. He stalked into the Officer's Club in a foul mood. "Grog, double," he snarled at the hapless bartender, as he pulled out a fumarello and chomped down on it. "Hi, Starbuck." Starbuck looked up from under a wrinkled brow, a frown still marring his features. "Hi, Athena," he said tonelessly. "Am I bothering you?" Athena asked, ready as always to feel insulted. "No, no, not at all," Starbuck said, schooling his expression into a neutral one. She was, after all, his best friend's sister *and* his Commander's daughter. "Can I buy you a drink?" "Whatever you're having," Athena purred, sliding onto the stool next to him. "Double grog for the lady," Starbuck told the bartender as he delivered Starbuck's frothy mug. "Has my brother invited you to Daddy's sectar's end party yet?" Athena asked, when the bartender left after delivering her drink. She blew the froth away from her lips. "No." Starbuck's heart did something odd at Athena's reference to Apollo. He wondered briefly if he should sign up for a medical exam, then discarded the notion. "Oh!" Athena seemed surprised. Apollo invited Starbuck to everything. Of course, he usually included Cassiopeia in the invitation, but one couldn't have everything. "Well, then, allow me to invite you. Personally." She leaned closer to him and smiled at him. 'A felix must look like that when it's cornered a rodent,' Starbuck thought. He was about to politely decline, when he was interrupted. "Is she the one?" "Go away," he rumbled in a warning tone. "Well!" Athena stood abruptly. "You could have just said, 'No, thank you, Athena.'" She dumped the remainder of her drink over his head. "Boor." "Oh my! How immature!" the nobdoy tsked. "Leave me alone," Starbuck grated, mopping his face. "Don't worry, *Lieutenant*, I will! From now on you don't exist!" Athena declared as she flounced off. She passed Jolly on the way in and nodded in Starbuck's direction. "I'd steer clear of the blond with the big ego today. He's got a thundercloud over his head and the lightning bolts are shooting off at random." Jolly looked at her in confusion as she slammed through the doors, then approached Starbuck. "What's eating her?" "Got me," Starbuck lied. 'Please be quiet,' he prayed to the nobdoy. "I bought her a drink and she poured it all over me." "So I see," Jolly said, then turning to the hovering bartender, "I'll have whatever it is he's wearing." "Very funny, Jolly." Jolly picked up his drink and turned away, leaving Starbuck to sulk alone at the bar. "Hi, Sweetheart, want some company?" Cass's voice sounded behind Starbuck. She had passed a very angry Athena in the hall and that made her even more possessive of Starbuck. Before Starbuck could respond, the nobdoy asked, "Is it her?" "No! Now bug off!" Starbuck snarled. "Starbuck! How dare you?" "Hey, Starbuck, take it easy, man. All she did was say hello," Jolly said from the nearby table at which he had joined a group of pilots. "Yeah, Starbuck, you could at least be civil to the lady," Bojay chimed in, always ready to criticize his former friend. "Frak!" Starbuck pushed away from the bar so suddenly his stool tipped over. He left the OC at a near run, plowing into Deirdre, who was entering the club with Boomer, on his way out. Starbuck muttered an apology and nodded at Boomer, but kept on walking. "Is it ..." the nobdoy began. "Can you just shut up?" Starbuck yelled. "Hey there, Bucko," Boomer said, grabbing his arm. "I didn't say anything. Are you all right?" "Yes, I'm fine. I just want to be LEFT ALONE!" Starbuck pulled free and gave up all pretense of being under control. He ran to the lift. By the time the lift arrived at his living level, he had calmed down. There had been no more voices and he'd had the lift to himself. "Hold the lift, please," a voice called. Starbuck complied. "Thanks, Bucko," Sheba said, smiling and aiming a peck at his cheek. "I'm late for patrol." He smiled back, just a bit strained. "My pleasure, Sheba. Have a good patrol." The nobdoy waited until the lift doors had almost closed to ask, "Is it the charming Lieutenant Sheba?" Starbuck screamed, "No! It's not her!!" He raced down the hall and locked himself into his quarters. *** Sheba had a totally confused look on her face when the lift doors opened at the Club level to admit Boomer and Jolly. "What's wrong, Sheba?" Jolly asked. "Starbuck," she answered absently. "I don't know what he's yelling about, but..." "You, too?" Boomer asked. "I don't know either, but I think Starbuck's gone 'round the bend. We were just on our way to clue the Captain in." "Mind if I join you?" Sheba asked. "Not at all." *** Meanwhile, Starbuck was *almost* alone in his quarters, trying to decide if he was losing his mind. Then the nobdoy asked, "Well, if it isn't her, who is it?" "Her? Gods no!! It isn't Sheba. It wouldn't be Sheba if she was the last woman on the Galactica!" Then he broke down with a sob. "It isn't any 'her', all right? Now will you leave me alone?" But the nobdoy's curiosity was merely piqued by that admission. "Well, well, not a she, eh? Must be a "he" then." "GET OUT OF HERE!" "I WILL NOT BE ORDERED ABOUT BY A MERE MORTAL!" the nobdoy thundered, and the whole room shook. "Please, don't do that!" Starbuck begged, taken aback by the fury of the disembodied being. "Dear me, was I *yelling*?" the nobdoy asked. "Umm, yes." "Oh, my! How unseemly! I do apologize." "Apology accepted," Starbuck said weakly. 'Dear Lords, now I'm seeing and feeling things, too. And I'm talking back to my hallucination as if it were real.' He sat heavily with his head in his hands. The nobdoy said, in a hurt tone of voice, "But I'm only trying to help you." "Who are you, my fairy godmother?" The nobdoy seemed to think about that for a few microns before replying, "Well, that isn't the term I would normally choose, but ..." *** Boomer, Jolly, and Sheba had arrived at Apollo's office, and were telling him what had been going on. "I thought Starbuck went over the edge a long time ago," Apollo snickered after he'd heard them out. "It's some kind of practical joke Starbuck's playing on all of you," he insisted. The others looked unconvinced. Apollo decided to put an end to it, whatever it was. "But since it's disrupting military discipline, I'll speak to Starbuck." He dismissed them and reached for the comm unit to summon the wayward Lieutenant. *** Starbuck stood uneasily in front of Apollo's desk. "I demand an explanation for the complaints I've been getting about you, Lieutenant," Apollo snapped. "What complaints?" Starbuck asked, putting on his best innocent expression. "Don't try that with me, Bucko, it won't work. You know what I'm talking about. You've been biting everyone's head off." "No, really, I haven't. I haven't been talking to them at all. It's all been a big misunderstanding. You see, I keep hearing ... someone ... asking me ... stuff and ... and that's who I'm answering," Starbuck finished lamely. "Perhaps if you're hearing voices, the Life Center should be your next stop." "No, really, Captain, I can handle it. I don't need to go to Life Center," Starbuck stammered, 'and be certified insane,' he concluded silently. "I think you do, Lieutenant. Do I need to call Security to ensure you get there?" Apollo was glaring directly at Starbuck, who seemed frozen in a pleading position. He was sure Starbuck's lips didn't move, but he was equally sure it was Starbuck's voice that insisted, "No, I know what the problem is." Apollo decided to believe his ears rather than his eyes. "And that would be ...?" Starbuck's voice answered, "Unrequited love." Starbuck tried to protest that it wasn't him speaking, but his mental commands were going unnoticed by his body. Apollo walked around his desk and asked, "And just whom is this love directed at? I didn't think *anyone* could resist you." When Starbuck just stood there, apparently stunned, Apollo prodded, "Felix got your tongue?" The nobdoy replied, in its own voice, "Nobdoy, actually, old chum." Apollo had been stalking ever closer to Starbuck. He looked around wildly for the voice, wondering if whatever had made Starbuck go loony-tunes was contagious. The nobdoy said, again in its own voice, "Never mind, but to answer your question, you'll have to figure it out yourself; he can't tell you. In fact, he can't do *anything* until you find the answer!" and with that last teasing clue, it became silent, but continued to watch, as curious as Apollo was to find out whom Starbuck was pining for. Apollo searched the room for a hidden microphone, but found nothing. And, to his dismay, Starbuck seemed stuck in front of his desk, frozen. "This isn't a joke, is it, Bucko?" he asked the still figure, but he got no answer. *** Apollo called all of Starbuck's friends and "family", including Colonel Tigh and Commander Adama, in to try to resolve the difficulty. Although he had some difficulty convincing them, Apollo was not known as a practical joker and the medical experts could find no cause for Starbuck's strange paralysis. It was Boxey who gave them the key to solving the mystery. "You know, he's gonna stay like that until his true love kisses him," the boy said with the certainty of youth. "What did you say?" Apollo asked. Boxey repeated his statement. "What makes you so sure of that, Boxey?" Adama asked. The boy looked disgusted. Didn't grown-ups remember anything? "That's the way it is in *all* the stories. You need your true love's kiss to wake up: Snow White, Sleeping Beauty, all of 'em. Everybody knows that." "And a nobdoy certainly would," Adama agreed. "Well, if that's the case," Cassiopeia said, "We'll end this right now." She walked over to Starbuck and gave him a resounding kiss. Nothing happened. Cass turned bright red and slapped Starbuck hard across the face. There was still no change in the frozen man. Athena laughed as Cass ran from the room. She was the next to try. And shortly thereafter Starbuck had matching hand prints on each cheek, but he was still frozen in place. Adama ordered every woman who had ever met Starbuck to be brought in, to no avail. Then he had the IFB stars and wannabes brought in. Still nothing. Finally the room emptied of all but Apollo, Adama, Boxey, and, of course, Starbuck. "Time for bed, son," Apollo said. "I'll take him, Apollo," Adama offered. "Thanks, Dad, I appreciate it." "Let's go, Boxey," Adama said. Boxey started out with his grandfather, then impulsively ran back and kissed Starbuck on the cheek. Apollo picked him up and carried him over to Adama. The door had no sooner closed on his father and his son, than Apollo heard, "Close, but no fumarello." "What's that supposed to mean?" Apollo yelled, frustrated. "That I'm supposed to kiss him?" He stopped, stark still. Quietly, he walked in front of Starbuck. "Is that it, Bucko?" he whispered. "Why didn't you just tell me? I've been wanting to do this for yahrens." He leaned forward, holding the blond's shoulders, and tentatively kissed the slightly parted lips. After a micron during which neither heart seemed to beat, Starbuck's lips parted further and his arms came around his Captain. Over the noise of their suddenly racing heartbeats, both men heard strange laughter, which faded into nothingness even as they acknowledged it.