friday, july 28
so, here's the scoop. i'm most likely leaving america in a week and 2 days. not only that, but i'm leaving during the tail-end of the toricon: i can stay for the big saturday banquet and then the next day it's off from durham to charlotte, detroit, amsterdam and finally sweden. yeah. i am kind of shaken up about it all. i am trying to stay cool, but i kind of am not. a week??
see i've been under the foolish impression that my reservation had been changed looong, long ago, and because i'm too much of an idiot, i never checked for sure and so boom - instead of august 10, it's august 6. it's unbelievable to me.
i was looking forward to getting to spend almost a week with angela and her family to say goodbye and finish up stuff and now it's all just frustratingly messed up.
oh yeah. i caused it. there's no getting around it. and that's sort of tough to deal with. it's never fun being a screw up. no, scratch that. i don't see myself as a screw up, i've done a lot of cool stuff, but in this situation, i've been a total and complete idiot. and that just plain sucks.
it sucks in that major kind of "i peed my pants in front of everybody" way and now i'm standing here in a tell tale yellow puddle trying to figure out what i'm supposed to do about it - laugh it off or sit down and wallow in it. (for the record: ew.)
most of all, i'm just disappointed and sad about the whole thing. and i fucking hate this whole adult "i'm okay, it's okay" thing. i mean, i am okay, seriously - it's not like i'm being sent back to the coalmines and a government waiting to persecute me. it's nice, pretty, mundane sweden. i know people who'd like to kick me for complaining about it. whatever.
i'm just not ready for it. i talked to mom last night and i started to think that maybe it wouldn't be so bad afterall, but that was 4 a.m. and i could hear my cat in the background. now it's 5.30 p.m. and i'm just totally ready to drop to the ground and wail "WHYYYY, WHY MEEEEE, WHYYYYYYYY!!!!!" i'm sure the librarians would understand.
it's not even the leaving part i have a problem with. it's the fact that it's so goddamned SOON. i really, really, really wish i could tack another week or two onto it - i'm not ready, dammit! i can't even imagine vacating the apartment this weekend, much less saying goodbye to angela a week later.
i guess it's kind of funny that the toricon banquet is the night before - i'll pretend it's my big farewell party. ooo, the ego for that. i do kind of like that, actually - if i'd have to leave before toricon i'd just completely refuse. no way. i've waited 4 years to attend one, no way i'd leave 2 days before. puh.
i'm not going to get to follow big brother till the end on tv. i'm not finished setting up the school news paper website so they can update on their own. i still haven't been able to sell the tv/vcr and my mattresses. and despite it being a year, i still don't miss anybody at home enough to want to come back. argh.
maybe i'll do what i said i'd do. maybe i'll pack up and leave for london a while. maybe i'll get my drivers license and go to NYC as an au pair. maybe i'll find a job back home. or just maybe, i'll be as sick of the place as i was when i left.
i'm going to end this post because i really should, but i've got two more things to say:
1. i'm very thankful for your good thoughts. however - don't worry too much. i'm really okay, just disappointed. things always work out. hey, could be worse: i could be stuck without a way to get home.. wait, that doesn't sound too bad. in any event, i intend to make my last week wonderful.
2. WHYYYY!!!! WHY MEEEEE!!!! OH GHOD WHYYYYYYY!!!!!! WHYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYY!!!
:)
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