funny things
thursday, march 28, 2002
well, we got the newspaper out.. possibly with a record number of mistakes.. mostly mispunctuations, except for the big pullquote accidentally left in the middle of our "halle berry, denzel won" story from last issues' enron story.. oops.
i wonder how many will read the story and wonder what on earth a financial expert on enron has to do with a picture of denzel. :)
i spoke too soon when i said i wasn't contributing anything to this issue; my photo of the thunderstorm made it to page two as a little stand alone. i wonder if either of my parents will figure out that that's my contribution when they get their complimentary issues in the mail. my name's there in itty-bitty print.
i saw my therapist yesterday; i haven't been to see her since early february. it's hard to explain, but working hard at the newspaper coupled with my month-long high energy mood and trip to new jersey seemed like a good time for a break.
she was quite glad to see me (i probably should have mentioned this break to her before i went on it, but, hrm, oh well.) and i shared all the epiphanies i've had about myself and dealing with life since i last saw her. she was impressed.
"you've made more important discoveries this month than all the time you've been seeing me!"
it's hard to explain what the so-called epiphanies are, i guess. the enormous energy and high confidence boost i tapped into this past month allowed me to just see so many things differently.
for instance, i think i'm coming to terms with just how much i dislike my physical appearance, particularly my obesity. i still am not comfortable in catching my own reflection most of the time, but i'm sort of forcing myself to shrug it off. it seems to be working a bit.
i've imposed a few rules. no more sucking in my belly when i pass groups of people outside. it's just stupid--it's not like it "fools" anybody. this is coupled to my "i don't give a fuck what people think" epiphany. i always did, give a bit of a fuck what people think, i mean, and felt like a moron about it. and now i just... shrug.
one day as i was walking to class, the sun was shining, trent singing: "i am becoming" in my ears, and i was feeling all snazzy in my baby blue comic book convention t-shirt and angel wing shirt it just hit me. i got this visual, like a graph in excel:
everything about us as people is only worth one point. if you make a list of your qualities, good and bad, they all get only one point: looks, brains, coolness, generosity, nasty bitchness..
and i saw the graph and i finally realized that being fat has NO RIGHT to over-power everything else about me. why do i focused so much attention to this, when it's really just one of way many details about me?
in fact, point-wise, i'm spending an absurd amount of energy on something worth one point, instead of 4-5 good qualities that together are worth 4-5 points?
does that make any kind of sense to you? i guess the point, if i may pun, is that it makes sudden sense to me. :) it was one of those shiny moments where i just felt a great, big "duh! boy, have i been silly!" dawn on me.
it doesn't erase the fact that i'm unhappy with aspects of my physical being as well as aspects of my personality, but it's just _a_ "flaw" to me, not _the_ flaw. get it?
further, i realized it's not my problem what other people are thinking when they encounter me. what's the point in me thinking about other people's thoughts? i know, sounds lame-ass, but that really was a good little discovery.
i'm mainly trying to re-learn what i should spend energy on, and what's not worth it. mulling over the past is not worth my energy because duh, it's PAST! another way-too-simple statement, but whatever.
i'm trying to become solid. i don't want to be swept away in other people's little drama's. i don't want to spend time figuring other people out. i don't want to spend energy arguing moot points.
anyway. the stuff above all sounds pretty lame when written out, but the point is, i feel like i'm getting somewhere. i feel like i'm breaking some thought processes that are not good for me. and that is good for me.
my therapists said i'm obviously in a period where i'm evolving. duh. i'm still shaky and i'm not done, so i'm kind of quiet lately. that jars people. hee.
i guess it's why the journal entries have slowed down. it becomes natural. i'm in a quiet, observing place right now. i smile benignly at people, and i listen, but i'm not very keen on participating in long conversations.
jeff stopped by the office the other day and it was very funny to me because usually i'm the one instigating and flowing over with talk. this time it was his turn to streeetch and keep things flowing. it's funny to be on the other side sometimes. i guess for whatever reason, he desperately needed a 3-hour break, and who am i to turn somebody chatty away? :)
i watched most of zoolander. surprisingly enough, it's ridiculously funny. owen wilson never seizes to astound me. i watched him in bottle rocket when i visited gene, and i remember him fondly from shanghai noon and whatever else i've seen him in.. his nose is pretty perverse, though. impressive.
okay, i'll wrap this stinker of an entry up by saying that angela called and read me Fenimore Cooper's Literary Offenses by mark twain. it is absolutely hysterical! click and go read. cin cin. :) �� 9:40 p.m.
