untitled #2
sunday, november 11, 2001
of course, when i said i was off to return movies, i really meant "off to listen to a few songs while i play solitaire and try and figure out if i want to eat something today or not" .. during which i discovered that a) buses don't run late tonight so i can't return the videos anyways, b) i will eat, eventually, because i am hungry, the hunger just need to grow stronger than my impusle to just.. sit, and c) i have an outstanding mp3 of patti smitth performing "about a boy" at the tibetan freedom concert.
it makes me wish i brought my one patti smith cd ("gone") to america, because i really want to listen to it. it makes me want to go out and buy another copy so i can listen to it. heh. i forgot how good it is. and this song, "about a boy," written for kurt cobein. it's very good. but at the end of this performance, she starts howling and ad libbing new lyrics, and i've never been a great transcriber but i think they go something like:
"they told them all about our tears. up there on the roof of the world. we were weeping and screaming. we saw monks led away in chains. and our sisters raped in the streets and they tell us of hell, and they tell it well, but they are still not greater than, (..) the joy, the laughter, the pure joy of being alive, all is not armed, all is not rebellion, all is not peace, all is not, all is not tears, and there is JOY, joy, and laughter, and light, light light, the life you've been given, whatever your torment, your fear, whatever your sorrow, whatever your anxiety, you are never alone."
and it's very loud and powerful, although i don't agree. with the "you are never alone" part. because i don't think that's really true. it all depends on what you mean by alone, i suppose. because there are people, there are, i have them, hopefully you have them, and they are there, but there is still a lot of alone.
4 am is very alone, and 3 movies in a row is alone, and 99% of all meals eaten alone, and being in an office with 6 people doing their stuff can be alone, and there's the transportation between that is alone, while still with a lot of bodies, and even with soft people who do care, there is still only me who hear the thoughts in my head, and that makes it alone.
i mean, there is alone, and there's Alone. if that make sense. and as comforting as "you are never alone" wants to be, i don't believe in it because it's not the way it is. that doesn't mean there is no joy, or laughter, or light, or something to hang onto, it just means there is always alone.
you never knew too much sleep can make a person sound an awful lot like a person who has had no sleep in days as well, did you? :) i do believe i just felt a hunger pang though. cin cin. tomorrow. :) �� 5:43 p.m.
untitled
sunday, november 11, 2001
wednesday: woke up 9.45 a.m. had class. went to sleep 7.30 p.m.
thursday: woke up 7.50 a.m. went to all five classes. went to sleep 11 p.m. (after e.r.)
friday: woke up 9.45 a.m. went to class, worked from 11-5.30 straight on the web version of the newspaper, went and rented movies (eddie izzard's "dressed to kill" and j.lo's angel eyes), came back, watched movies, watched "once & again".. went to sleep 1.40 a.m.
saturday: woke up 1.30 p.m. watched crap tv all day. went to sleep 7.30 p.m.
today: woke up 12.30 p.m.
that's: awake--roughly 46 hours since wednesday morning, asleep--roughly 52 hours. it's like a game, you see. i think i may have broken it, though. i figured, if i can't beat it, these sandy sleepy eyes, then i'll join it, i'll sleep and sleep and sleep and i did, and i woke up, and today i'm just not tired.
so maybe i won. at least for today. heh. i don't feel refreshed, really, but i don't sit here wondering if i couldn't just doze off a while in this chair, either. hah.
no dreams to speak of. well. too many to remember, perhaps. there was one where my family owned a house back home. it was summertime. and a storm came through and blew out the windows. there were a lot of windows. so it rained glass all over us and the floors. and nobody had any shoes or even socks on, and there were shiny glass splinters everywhere, but luckily the cuts didn't hurt. it looked worse than it felt. if that makes sense.
and another one, where i was with a group of people i no longer know (that happens a lot, i lose touch with people and years later they turn up in my dremas, frequently, it's much rarer that people i know now are in my dreams) and we were hiking up through woods, up the side of a mountain. the mountain was called "On Tappi Tikarass", which is funny because Tappi Tikarass was the name of a very obscure icelandic band that singer Bjork was in years and years and years ago, and it's not exactly trivia that pop into my head often.
it was pretty cold. and wet. and i didn't feel comfortable being around the people i was with. we had to squish in, all four of us, into a tent made for two. spread out newspapers on the tent floor to seal in warmth. and then we slept, and woke up, walked the last few hours and made it to the top, and then suddenly we were back home in sweden telling people we'd scaled the mountain.
i know. there's no point. pointless dream fragments. lots of sleep. and bad teevee. there's a weekend for you.
off to return movies now. cin cin. �� 5:02 p.m.
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