strange glow
saturday, december 22, 2001
it is almost midnight, and i've spent the past few hours with the fuzzy dog napping on my feet and listening to the cd-changer release random songs at me from heather nova (live), kristin hersh (solo) and tori (raspberry swirl remixes). i feel quite floaty.
there was also a nine inch nail remix cd in the cd changer, but i had to run up and pluck it out because it (don't laugh) scared me. hours of heather and kristin and cleaning out my e-mail box of old dust bunnies and lost people has made me all soft and weepy. harsh, abrupt noises and voices will then only make my heart race.
i look at my old e-mail so seldomly. i have always been a packrat, but never an effective one. cleaning out folders and updating my address list happens maybe once a year, if even that. and then suddenly i'll stumble upon old words and get lost in reading them. i'm stunned at what i find sometimes.
lost in-jokes i haven't shared or thought of in years. the tiny beginnings of (blank)-ships that turned massive in my life. bone crushing arguments ending in radio silence. intimacies shared next to goofy jokes. and, of course, dust bunnies. always dust bunnies. :)
it's very odd to me to find myself and things i have been a part of stored away in little virtual pockets with time stamps. it's not that i don't remember most of it. it's just strange to have such precise moments captured and filed away in a definite time continuum.
i realize it may sound a bit strange. okay. i think i've mentioned that i've been in somewhat irregular therapy the past 4 months (about bi-weekly). i can't say it's necessarily doing very tangible things all the time, but through those discussions, i have found out little things about myself that i wasn't aware of.
one of the bigger things has been me and my whacked sense of time. or rather, my inability to connect myself with/in time. i am unable to place myself in the future, to in any way imagine myself in anything but a "now" setting.
i remember things okay, but they are very specific memories, and i can't often place them in time, or myself agewise in them beyond vague "i was young--maybe 6-8?" i've lost most of my past already, really, and what is left is either little glimpses of moments and then long, crystal clear replays of things that shaped me.
i realise that probably sound pretty normal. not sure why it disturbs me so much. i think i just wish i had more happy memories to rival the bad ones. i don't really like that most of my growing up is signified by major disappointments or traumatic crap.
finding e-mails from budding friendships and whatnot has been a nice treat. i wish i had kept more. i suppose my way of forgetting things is equalled in my way of moving on from people.
i get rid of everything. not because i don't want to be reminded, or whatever. it's just once a connection is lost, i cease to want to hold on to things connected to them. i delete the e-mails, throw out the written notes and whatever, give away the stuffed knick-knacks and that's that. clean.
and then suddenly a few years later i'll find these hidden corners with forgotten things and i'll be showered with memories, and i'll wish i had not thrown it all away because it would be nice to have the good things saved for when my memory has to struggle to recall even the faintest of features.
man this is pointless drivvel. heh. what can i say? i blame heather nova and the dog for providing a pensive environment. bitch (heather, not the dog, the dog is a boy). :)
eh. nite. �� 11:59 p.m. (ok, 12:30 a.m. sunday)
