i wannabe sedated
monday, august 13, 2001
i really should pay my mom a monthly therapy fee. at times like these, it ought to be doubled. i'm a mess, and everyone around me must suffer. it's time to leave for school again. drama, drama.
since i repeat the exact same behaviour every single time, very few bother to reply with more than "eh, stop" when i burp out hour long anxiety rants. but i can't. my body is about to explode with tiny bubbles of worry, late at night i can feel my blood rushing through me, fast, fast, i think i can see the bubbles if i hold my hand up to a light, see-through skin and all.
so many things this time. everyone i've known at school the past three years just graduated. stress. have to settle into a new room with a new roommate. stress. almost only have literature and advanced grammar type classes left so no journalism classes to breathe through. stress. stress. stress.
the thought of sharing a room with a new stranger is enough to send me off hyperventilating. my friends all suggest i try for a single room but they are so hard to come by and i don't really qualify. i just can't sleep in a room with another person. i'm dead serious. last semester i solved it by sleeping on the living room couch, but i'm afraid that might not be possible this year. panic.
it even crossed my mind to invent a new life-schedule based around the premise that i can't sleep in the room at night. i mean, i seriously thought about it. i was thinking i could have classes from 9am till afternoon, sleep between 4 p.m. and 11 p.m. or whenever the roommate went to bed and then stay up all night, pretending it was daytime. it all seemed to make sense until i realised the cafeteria isn't open at night so i'd never get to eat. that, and the fact that it's a CRAZY plan. heh.
currently i'm trying to get the school to respond and tell me that i have a room at all. they have a tendency to lose my files and applications, and i have a tendency to forget to follow up on things. i'm thinking i'll try and throw my complete hysteria about the room-mate thing out there to the foreign student secretary. i mean, i don't need a room, if they don't have an entire room. just a couch somewhere? i'll sleep anywhere, as long as nobody else is sleeping in there as well, please?
so lame. i know.
hey, so i had a stress dream the other night that i went to school and had a roommate. everything was fine. except (and this is when i woke up) everyone was white. that's how i realized it was just a dream, ha ha, when i realized i go to a black school and my dream made no sense. life can be so funny. i think there are plenty of caucasian students who would discover that they were having a dream if everyone at school were suddenly african-american. what's normal is so, so subjective indeed.
it's spreading; now i've got anja on for the ride!
ok, cin cin for now. ��14:13
