perspective
wednesday, april 25, 2001
i. can. not. write. literary. essays.
feel pretty loser'ish for sobbing at 9:30 a.m. in the newspaper office because i can't write a paper. at this point it is clear that talking to others isn't helping, taking a break isn't helping, writing anything that pops into my head isn't helping, rambling into a tape recorder to see if i'll find any good thoughts played back at me isn't helping.. i cannot do more advice, what i need is somebody to PHYSICALLY write it for me.
i have the fucking concept, except i didn't underSTAND the stories until 2 hours ago - how lame is that? and i still cannot write it down.
"start with the body paragraphs, jennie, worry about the thesis last."
i can't formulate a body paragraph. i write, but it doesn't melt together, there's not thought, just loose sentences. i literally cannot write them. saying "don't worry about making sense, just write anything" isn't helping either.
this is a class i've been failing all semester until i redeemed myself with a B+ test a few weeks back. this is the class where i got a D on the last paper because i didn't answer the topic in my essay and didn't even remember to support anything with quotes.
i can't write this fucking essay and it means i will fail this FUCKING CLASS AGAIN for the second time. great, now i'm crying again. well, i'm usually not this emotional - i stayed up all night in the office working with the last issue - it wasn't done and sent off to print until close to 5 a.m. ... when i am excessively tired, i am extremely prone to cry over anything. this seems as good as any other reason to cry. heh.
i forget to mention that the paper was due monday, right? two days late means anything i turn in could be a C at the most. failed.
i don't have a plan. well, i do have a plan - i plan to show up at my professor's office with my swollen red eyes with my tiny paper fragments and tell it like it is: i can't write the paper, i can't write it perfectly on topic, and i know i've failed the class.
the really sad part is, i'm good at this shit!!! i'm good at literature! i've spent the last 4 days voluntarily exploring and discussing hamlet for hours with friends and teachers just because it intrigues me.. i fail classes because i cannot write papers, not because i do not know the material.
just shot me, dammit.
i have a cry-head ache. goddammit. somebody kick me off a cliff??
