I enter the loft and it�s quiet. Gus is still sleeping on the sofa. He doesn�t look like he�s moved an inch. I lock up and head toward my bedroom. My eyes feel so damn heavy. I haven�t really slept in three weeks and now that I know I can, I suddenly feel exhausted.

I drift off to sleep. My mind loves to play games with me when I�m not in control, but tonight at least my mind is being kind. I�m dreaming of Justin. He�s standing under a streetlamp outside of Babylon. Now I�m talking to him� that whole first night is replaying for me while I sleep. I�m just about to take Justin for the first time when something wakes me. I sit up and look around disoriented, almost expecting to see Justin there with me.

I look out into the loft and I see Gus thrashing around on the sofa. The blanket I covered him with earlier is all twisted around him and he�s struggling with it in his sleep. He�s beginning to make sounds now. He�s moaning, no groaning, and then he�s yelling. I hear him scream out �JUSTIN!!!!!!�

I jump out of bed and rush out to him. He�s still asleep and frantic. I can remember the nightmares I had after Justin�s prom. I push that out of my mind.

�Gus! GUS!� I shake him slightly and his eyes open. He�s looking at me wildly and disoriented. He sits straight up and looks ready to attack. I sit down next to him and put my arm around him.

�It�s okay Gus. It�s just a dream. Relax.�

He�s choking back a sob and I pull him into my arms.

�Shhhhh. Sonny boy, it�s okay. It�s okay.�

I�m petting his hair trying to comfort him. He�s shaking his head and still crying, but he�s holding onto me tight.

�Gus.�

He won�t look at me. He�s shaking and holding onto me. I just let him cry for awhile, until his breathing starts to calm down some.

�Gus.�

He looks up at me, pulling away a little.

�It�s okay.� My eyes are searching his face hoping to see that he�s okay now.

�No it�s not.� He�s looking away from me, won�t let my eyes lock onto his.

�Yes it is.� I take his chin in my hand and force our eyes to meet. He seems to break a little.

�I couldn�t stop it dad.�

I nod and hug him again. He sobs once more. He�s hurting so much and I�m not sure what to do to help him. The truth is the only thing I know, so I use it.

�I know you couldn�t stop it, but it�s not your fault.�

He chokes back a sob and looks up at me finally. He looks like he�s going to crumble.

�What if he dies?�

I take in a deep breath. �What if he dies?� I think it myself and I want to crumble, but I can�t I have to do this for Gus. I have to reassure him, maybe even reassure myself.

�He�s not going to die.�

He looks away now and speaks quietly, as if he doesn�t want me to hear him.

�He might.�

My voice is slightly louder than his as I answer him.

�He won�t�

Gus stands up and walks over to the window. He stares out into the street for a long time before he says anything. I�m at a loss for words, so I just watch him. I know that sometimes silence is the best thing for a person.

�I see it every night.� He turns and looks at me. I realize now why he�s not eating. Hell he�s not even sleeping really. How had I missed this? How had Lindsay missed it?

�I even try not to fall asleep at night, so that it won�t happen again in my head.� He holds his head in his hands as if he�s trying to literally push what happened out of it.

�You�ve had nightmares every night since it happened?�

He nodded. I could see his pattern now.

�So you wake up and go to the hospital?�

He nods again and looks at the door.

�Do you want to go now?� I look at the clock, it�s almost 5:00 AM.

�I have to.� He says it with such conviction.

�What do you mean? You have to?�

He starts to sob again quietly. I get off the sofa and hold him while he cries. He�s so sensitive like Lindsay and Justin. I almost envy the way he can share his feelings so easily.

�I have to� I have to see that he�s not dead. He always dies in my dreams.�

I let my arms fall to my sides and I turn around.

�Dad? You okay?�

With my back to him, I smile a little. There he is trying to take care of me now.

�I�m fine sonny boy. Get ready and we�ll go to the hospital.�

I start to walk toward my bedroom but Gus stops me. He has his hand on my shoulder. I look back at him.

�He loves you.�

I nod. �I know.�

�Do you know what he said to me?�

�When?�

�That night.�

�What did he say?�

�He told me that he�d never been happier than when he was with you. He remembers all the good times. He remembers everything you shared.�

�There were some good times, but the bad times outweighed the good Gus. That�s why I let him go.�

�Did you even talk to him? Do you know how he felt?�

�There was nothing to talk about Gus. It had to end.�

�You�re so fucking selfish.�

I�m shocked by his words.

�Now you sound like Mel. I�m not as fucking selfish as everyone wants to believe. Pushing him away was the most unselfish thing I�ve ever done. Do you think it�s what I wanted?�

He looks at me like a child and starts to cry again. �Then why? WHY?�

�I�ve told you Gus�� I started.

��it�s for the best.� He finishes my sentence with me.

�Forget it! If you want to live your life alone and miserable that�s fine! FUCK IT! Why the hell should I care?�

He storms past me and goes into the bathroom. I slowly climb the stairs to my bedroom and change into something suitable to wear to the hospital. I then head into the kitchen and start a pot of coffee for myself.

Gus finally emerges from the bathroom as I�m finishing my second cup. He�s looking at the floor almost embarrassed.

�You ready, sonnyboy?�

He looks up at me and nods.

�I�m sorry, Dad.�

�What for?� I smile to let him know that nothing has changed between us, that I understand his anger.

�For being a drama princess.�

He gives me an almost smile and I reach out to hug him.

�Come on� Let�s go see Justin.�

To be continued.