I guess I really didn�t want to be alone, because now that Gus is here I�m feeling a little calmer. We�ve avoided the subject of Justin all night, and for now I think that�s for the best.

He put in a video after we were done eating, we haven�t really talked much, but that�s okay. The semi-silence is calming. Knowing that someone else is there if either one of us needs to talk is comforting. He looks so tired, and twice I�ve caught him nearly falling asleep but jerking himself back awake at the last possible second.

His voice is quiet, but I hear him all the same as he asks. �Do you think it would be okay if I stayed over tonight?�

I nodded. �Yeah.� I stood up and went into the kitchen. �You can stay, just call and let your mothers know.� He nodded and we fell back into the silence.

I started putting the leftovers away, and then began washing the dishes we�d used for dinner. I noticed that the casserole and both of our plates looked nearly untouched. I look in at Gus. He�s stretched out on the sofa now and yawning. I feel the contagious nature of his yawn take over in me; before I busy myself again with the kitchen clean up.

When I�m done, I notice he�s fallen asleep. I pick up the phone and dial Lindsay and Mel�s house. I get the machine.

�Hi we�re not home right now. Leave a message and we�ll call you back. Bye!�

�Hey Linz. Sonny boy is going to crash here tonight. He�s asleep already. I�ll talk to you later.�

With that done, I go in and take a quick shower. I have to get ready to go out. I suppose I could go see Mikey and the guys at Woody�s. Yeah, that�s what I�ll do; at least that�s what I tell myself I�ll do.

I leave a note for Gus, in case he wakes up, and wonders where I�ve gone. I let him know I�ve got my cell with me, in case he needs me for anything. I stop before leaving and stand over him for a few minutes, watching him sleep. I grab a blanket from the bedroom and cover him, and then I leave him alone in the loft.

I do actually make it to Woody�s. I even park the jeep and get out. I�m halfway up the stairs, but then I find myself turning around and walking back to my jeep. I know where I�m going, where I�ve actually been planning to go all night. Same place as always.

That�s when I hear Mikey�s voice �Brian! Brian!� I stop and turn around.

�I didn�t think you�d come.�

�I said I would. Didn�t I?�

�Why are you headed the wrong way then?�

�I� I think I forgot to lock the door.� Mikey stood watching as I pretended to go check the locks on the jeep doors. I didn�t want to be here. I want to go check on Justin, but now I�m stuck.

We head into Woody�s and Emmett and Ted are holding down two bar stools as we approach them. Ted makes some stupid remark, I�m not listening. Emmett puts his hand out and is touching me, I�m ignoring him as well. Mikey hands me a drink and I scan the room instinctively. No one catches my eye, doesn�t matter anyway, I�m not planning on staying much longer anyway. The three of them are exchanging stories, talking, whatever, and I�m almost pretending to pay attention. That�s when I hear it.

�It�s not like Brian even cares.� I shoot them all one of my most pissed off looks.

�What the fuck are you talking about?�

I�m not sure which one of them even said it, their voices weren�t really registering. I had my mind on other things, on Justin actually. From the look on Ted�s face, I�m pretty sure he�s the one that had been speaking. Emmett is looking at me with worried eyes now.

�Ted?�

He fumbles a little for his words. That�s not unusual for Ted. Then he seems to pick up some confidence.

�We�re talking about Justin. It�s not like you care anymore. You threw him away years ago.�

Well it�s nice to know everyone has bought my act. I�ve been playing it well; I�d probably be content with that knowledge if it had come a month ago.

Emmett chimes in now. �He�s not doing good Brian. Did you know that? Has anyone told you?�

I look at him blankly. Has anyone told me? I see if for myself every night.

�What does he care Emmett? You know how he�s treated Justin for the last ten years. It�s like he�s already dead to him.�

I clench my jaw and hold back everything inside of me. Right now I�m so fucking close to tears I can�t even believe it. I�m also so damn close to knocking Ted out that I�m doing my best to stay in control.

�He�s not dead.� It comes out as a whisper and I put my beer down on the bar and just walk toward the exit. I can hear Mikey and Emmett trying to call me back to them. I even hear Ted apologizing.

I�m fumbling with my car keys in the lock. Why the fuck did I even come here? As I get inside of the jeep I sit and try to get my emotions back in check. A few hundred deep breaths and I�m almost okay. I won�t be okay until I see him.

I just stare in the window, watching as he sleeps. I talk to him in my mind.

�Hey Justin. I saw your dad today. You should have been there. He still fuckin� hates me. It all evens out though, because I still hate him too. I know I know. You don�t want to hear it. Don�t want me to say anything bad about him. I�ll never get that. He�s a prick, just like my old man.�

It�s strange, just talking to him in my head, I feel like he�s answering me, but I know he isn�t. He�s just laying there breathing. At least he�s breathing on his own, that first night he was hooked up to a ventilator, just after he got out of surgery. I swear seeing him like that I thought for sure he was going to die, but he pulled through that, even when the doctors didn�t think he would. Now I just wish he�d pull himself out of this coma.

I can�t stand being out here. I need to be closer so I go inside the room. I stand close to the door. Yeah this is better. I lean back against the wall and watch him. Ted�s words are stuck in my head.

Some time later a nurse comes in and checks on him. She changes his IV and motions to the chair next to the bed.

�You might as well sit. You�re not really holding that wall up you know?�

I do as she says and find myself sitting next to him.

�You know, a lot of people believe that they can hear you. Why don�t you talk to him. You�ve obviously got a lot on your mind. It shows all over your face. It might help you both.� With those words of wisdom she leaves.

�I don�t know if she�s right Justin. Is she? Can you hear me?�

I watch his face and know I won�t get an answer from him. I�m not really expecting one, just hoping I guess.

�I didn�t just throw you away. I just didn�t want to hurt you anymore.�

I take his hand in mine, and look down at his face.

�I did what I had to do. Do you know how bad it hurt?�

I took in a deep breath and exhaled slowly before continuing.

�I just wanted to see you happy. I hated seeing the hurt in your eyes all the time. Almost the same look I use to see in my mother�s eyes when my father disappointed her time after time.�

I put his hand to my lips and kissed his fingers lightly.

�I hated knowing that I kept hurting you over and over. You were so young, too young to be miserable all the time. I didn�t want to do to you what he did to her. I didn�t want you to grow old and be miserable.�

I couldn�t continue. I didn�t know what to say.

�I�m sorry.� It�s whispered. I lay my chin down on the bed and just stare up at him.

�I miss you so much.�

I just sit there now, staring up at him and holding onto his hand. A new nurse comes in and that signals to me that it�s nearly morning. I�m going to have to leave. I wait until she�s gone before I get up. I lightly brush my lips against his, it�s something I haven�t done in so long, but it feels so right.

�Just fight Justin� please?�

I walk down the hallway and notice that it�s not nearly as late or early, as I�d assumed. I might still be able to get some sleep tonight. After talking to Justin, I felt like maybe I could sleep a little. Even if he hadn�t heard me, I still felt like we�d resolved something. I should have told him all of those things ten years ago.

I never should have let him feel thrown away. I knew that�s where Ted had heard the thrown away comment. From either Justin himself, or Emmett, it was definitely something he would have said. I shake my head trying not to think about it.

To be continued�