I�m not sure where I�m going. I only know that I need to keep walking. I need to get as much distance between myself and Jennifer Taylor as humanly possible. I don�t really want to leave though, Justin is still here. I need to be here for him. I find myself outside of the hospital smoking a cigarette with the rest of the nicotine addicted in a small enclosed shelter that the hospital has created for those of us who need our fix, while we suffer from the stress that surrounds any reason for actually being at a hospital.

One cigarette turns into two and then into three. I shiver a bit wishing I would have thought to grab my coat from the room before I took off out of there. It�s not really cold for early December but I think I�d stop shaking if I had something warmer on.

I keep picturing Justin�s face that day so many years ago. The look in his eyes when I told him it was over. It was the right thing to do. I know it was. That whole year before I let him go was testimony to that. Everything I said, everything I did just hurt him. All of my friends kept telling me that, except for Ted, I think.

I remember Mikey was the first one to say something. We were out at Woody�s one night. Justin and Emmett were at the bar getting us drinks. Ted and I were playing pool as Ben and Mikey watched. Christ I don�t even remember what I said to Justin when he brought me my beer. I noticed him head off toward the restroom as we kept playing. That was when Michael took me aside and started in on me.

�Jesus Brian. Could you be a little bit shittier to him?�

�What are you talking about Michael?�

He just threw his hands up in some grand gesture and walked back to where Ben was. I never did figure out what I had done that was so terrible. When Justin came back out he seemed fine so I figured Michael was just exaggerating again.

The next time it happened was at Lindsay and Melanie�s. I was picking up Gus to take him shopping for some new back to school clothes. He was going into the first grade and I wanted him to look good. Justin was with me as usual. I do remember what I said that time.

�Someone has to help the kid with his sense of style. If I left it up to you guys he�d either dress like a bag lady or a bum.� A witty quip I thought in reference to Lindsay�s odd sense of style and Justin�s baggy garments.

I missed Justin�s expression but I did catch the sound of his voice as he grabbed Gus by the hand and started out to the Jeep. �C�mon Gus let�s get in the car.�

That�s when the girls let me have it.

�Brian! Can�t you be nice?� Lindsay asked seriously.

�He doesn�t know how. You�re such a shit. He deserves better than the way you treat him Brian.� Melanie stated as she turned away from me and went upstairs.

�You hurt Justin�s feelings� again.�

�He knows I�m joking Lindsay.�

�Does he Brian? Does he really know that?�

�He knows.�

I gave her a kiss and walked out to join Gus and Justin and everything was fine.

Emmett gave me his lecture next. It was one night at Babylon. I just finished in the backroom and Emmett was at the bar glaring at me as soon as I got back.

�Brian. You are going to fuck everything up!�

�What are you talking about? Where�s Justin?�

Emmett huffed and pointed to the dance floor.

�He�s out there somewhere. God Brian! Do you really have to flaunt it in his face?�

�What?� I turn to the bartender and order a double Jim Beam, and then I give Emmett all of my attention. �What are you going on about?�

�The fact that you took some guy into the backroom in front of Justin again.� He�s serious and I don�t even feel like being sarcastic to him for some reason.

�Emmett. Leave it alone. Our relationship is open. It�s allowed and Justin knows that, he�s fine with it.�

�He�s not fine with it Brian. Can�t you see that?�

�Then he needs to say something about it. He needs to be the one to talk to me about it. Not you.�

I downed my drink and went off in search of Justin. He gave me one of his biggest smiles when I wrapped my arms around him and pulled him in close to me.

I almost want to laugh now, just thinking back to it all. The little things that everyone said started nagging at me, and before I knew it I�d catch the sad looks on Justin�s face when we were alone together and I�d screw up somehow. I started to realize that he wasn�t happy. The talk his mother had with me that day hadn�t been the first time she�d told me that I wasn�t letting him live his own life, but it was the first time I truly listened to her. She was right. Justin was just going along with whatever I wanted and he wasn�t the same person that I met nearly eight years before. It all came down to one thing. He wasn�t happy and it was my fault.

My trip down memory lane is interrupted as a woman with red curly hair comes out and sits down next to me. She�s searching in her handbag for a lighter and I chivalrously flick my lighter on for her. She smiles at me gratefully and holds her cigarette in the flame as she takes a deep drag to light it.

�Thanks.� She smiles and I really look at her for the first time. She reminds me of Debbie and a little wave of sadness takes over inside of me. God I miss Deb. I can�t believe she�s been gone for almost two years now.

�You look like you could use a friend.� She states matter-of-factly.

�I probably could.� I hear myself saying. I�m not sure where that came from it�s probably because she does remind me so much of Deb and my trip down memory lane has me feeling sentimental.

�Want to tell me about it?�

�Got about seven hours?� I smile for a second, and then I feel my real emotions creeping too close to the surface.

�It�s okay honey.� She says and puts her arm around me gently patting my back. �Things aren�t ever as bad as they seem. You want to talk about it?�

I smile and stand up. This isn�t Deb and I�m not about to open my heart up to some stranger, but somehow I feel just a little bit better right now.

�No thanks. I�ve got to go.�

She smiles at me and waves as I go. �Thanks for the light sweetie.�

�Anytime.�

It�s freezing when I leave the smoke pit so I head back inside of the hospital to grab my coat. Jennifer is sitting next to Justin when I walk into the room and he�s still sleeping soundly. I move over and take one more look at him before I grab my coat from behind the chair that Jennifer is sitting in.

�I forgot my coat.� I say and head for the door.

�You don�t have to leave.� I can�t read her expression or her tone of voice. It doesn�t much matter to me anyway.

�Yeah I do.� I say as I open the door. �You�re here now to look after him, he doesn�t need me anymore.� With that I let the door shut behind me.

I feel numb as I leave the hospital. It�s colder now than I thought and a few snowflakes are slowly making their way to the ground. I shiver and suddenly feel like I�ll never be warm again. I�m physically exhausted and I know my body needs some real sleep in my own bed. I�ve spent the last two months existing first on no sleep at all and then on the restless sleep in a chair next to Justin�s bed. I just want to go home and sleep.

To Be Continued�